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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Allowed to message a married man?

170 replies

Starman81 · 08/04/2024 08:22

Looking for some honest opinions on this recently my son joined a football team which he is really enjoying im also new to the area so one of the other dads came over and chatted we talked at games briefly and at drop offs to the training but the other day he messaged out with the group chat just regarding an issue with my son since then we gadge exchanged messages between us gifs that kind of thing he mentioned he has a wife other kids etc We have some similar interests so chat about that aswell as the team we have chatted on the phone Is this ok or is it likely to be hurtful to his wife? I did say to him his reply was im not doing anything wrong but im just not sure I’ve never met his wife he seems to be the one who takes their son to matches etc I enjoy talking with him but certainly don’t want to cause problems

OP posts:
onlywomengetperiods · 08/04/2024 16:19

I personally wouldn't be exchanging gifs with a married man on Whatsapp and if I did DP would not be best pleased.

Miyagi99 · 08/04/2024 16:26

neverknowinglyunreasonable · 08/04/2024 08:36

No. This is terrible, you must stop immediately. Everyone knows the only reason men and women communicate is for sex. This man is a sex hungry pervert and even by looking at him you are BU.

😂😂😂

notkeenonkiwis · 08/04/2024 16:28

After giving this some thought, I do realise why some people, possibly more in the younger generation, can't see why many feel that this type of reaction between men and women is often deemed inappropriate.
Maybe there is a generational divide going on somewhat, and times are changing, but on the whole, (from the perspective of a 40+ heterosexual woman) a good proportion of men in this age group don't tend to search out female company to "chat".

Obviously every man is an individual, with his own likes and dislikes, but in my experience they tend to remain on topic. So while they are willing to talk about such and such a thing, whatever it may be, and will do so happily with men or women in a group context, be it at work, a hobby, sport or family and friends barbecue, to move onto messaging one to one about something other than a specific topic , sending gifs and comments throughout the day, is a different thing altogether.

In my opinion it's not about chatting and being friendly, or any particular topic, it's that on the whole, men don't check in with their male friends as regularly as women do. They may send information about something, they will discuss things, but they don't check in on their friends in the way that many females do. Again, I realise that there will be males and females who don't communicate in this way, but taken as a whole that's why I'd personally feel it was inappropriate.
I don't control who my husband talks to, obviously, but there's no way he'd ever spontaneously start texting with a female for no apparent reason, and if he did, in my world it would be a sure sign that we had problems.

KomodoOhno · 08/04/2024 17:13

I think if this man is truly not doing anything wrong he should run as fast as he can

Brexile · 08/04/2024 19:00

Longma · 08/04/2024 13:47

Why do you think the other mums are glaring at you?
That would be odd, for all of the women there to have suddenly taken against you.

It wouldn't be odd at all for a bunch of married mums to turn on the only single mother present. It happened to me. That's how group dynamics often work, with the "odd one out" being treated distainfully, particularly if the thing that makes them the odd one out is correlated with lower social status. Ironically, this makes it more likely for ostracized single mums to hobnob with the dads, who are far less likely to indulge in these kind of status displays at the expense of single mothers. (Not that men aren't jerks as well, it just comes out in different ways.)

therealcookiemonster · 09/04/2024 02:10

ultimately I think what these kind of threads made me realise is that it is quite common for the two genders to self segregate due to social/psychological drivers. men tend to be friends with men and women with women.

I am sure there are studies out there (too lazy to look up, please enlighten me wise mumsnetters) that demonstrate this.

obviously depending on personality/environment there will be people who do not segregate.

so it's important to note while a certain behaviour i.e. self segregation between genders might be more common. there is no one size fits all approach.

we all know where the line is from friend to something more and we have to be clear there is no possibility of crossing that line when interacting with individuals with partners and ensure partner is ok with it all.

Mothership4two · 09/04/2024 02:22

@notkeenonkiwis

After giving this some thought, I do realise why some people, possibly more in the younger generation, can't see why many feel that this type of reaction between men and women is often deemed inappropriate.
Maybe there is a generational divide going on somewhat, and times are changing

I'm late 50's and I wouldn't have a problem with it.

OH spent many years doing sports coaching with children and tended to be involved with our 2x DS team sports activities, whereas I was more involved in arty stuff, martial arts, tennis and Beavers/Cubs/Scouts. OH often communicated with parents, made friends with them (male and female) and was on WhatsApp groups. No issues from either of us. The one time I felt uncomfortable was when a primary school mum who was a single mum asked OH if he wanted to go camping with her and her son and our son over half term (knowing I am really not keen on camping) - he obviously said no and told her he would be spending the holiday with his family. I wasn't worried about him, but it made me see her in a new light - still not sure if it was innocent or not. I've digressed but this thread made me think about that.

Brexile · 09/04/2024 15:44

Oops, meant to write "disdainfully" and can't edit. Sorry

Nettie1964 · 11/04/2024 19:30

In the past I would have said no problem. I know better now. If you have to ask it has gone to far. 1 or both of you is enjoying this too much. If his wife doesn't know it's wrong.

LemonTurtle · 11/04/2024 20:16

His relationship isn't your responsibility. If he is acting out of his wife's boundaries than that is his responsibility. I personally wouldn't care at all if my husband was doing this as long as it wasn't overly flirtatious or explicitly sexual.

AngelinaFibres · 11/04/2024 22:05

There are plenty of men walking the earth who do not have wives. Better to text one of those than one who already has attachments who a. Don't know about it b. Wouldn't be impressed by it c. Will think poorly of you.

AngelinaFibres · 11/04/2024 22:21

When I was 32 my husband left me and my children ( then aged 3 and 2). I was part of an ante natal group that continued to meet for years. It was long before the Internet so no texting but goodness me weren't the husband's keen to help me with anything I needed. And very, very keen that their wives shouldn't find out that they had offered. One of them came round first thing in the morning to see if I needed any money. No I didn't need any bloody money ( I actually desperately needed money but I was very well aware of the term 'no such thing as a free lunch'). As he left ,having been absolutely rebuffed, he said " Oh, um, don't tell Mand eh". I presume that they wanted to heroically save a damsel in distress in some caveman way. I didn't want saving and I didn't want anything to do with men. It was a very unpleasant time in my life.I would not be cool about my second husband spending time with/ texting another woman nor would I spend time texting other men for any reason whatsoever

Workaholic99 · 12/04/2024 08:38

Could always suggest a dinner party woth his wife that you host or a meal out together

WillJeSuis · 12/04/2024 08:46

ChedderGorgeous · 08/04/2024 11:47

They are pronounced "jifs"

Literally no one says jif

CarefulWithThat · 12/04/2024 08:48

My husband and I have friends of the opposite sex and it’s fine. We have a strong and trusting relationship and are secure enough not to feel threatened. It’s more than fine to be friends with a dad. I developed one good friendship that way.

But there is something about your interaction that makes me uncomfortable. Not once in my ‘dad’ friendship did we ask if each other’s partner was ok with it. Because there was no need. Our partners’ names came up in chats, we would all chat at school events and there was zero secrecy. I have a gut feeling about this bloke and it isn’t good. Tread carefully.

CarefulWithThat · 12/04/2024 08:48

WillJeSuis · 12/04/2024 08:46

Literally no one says jif

I can imagine someone like Matt Hancock saying jif.

CarefulWithThat · 12/04/2024 08:51

onlywomengetperiods · 08/04/2024 16:19

I personally wouldn't be exchanging gifs with a married man on Whatsapp and if I did DP would not be best pleased.

Really? Not even if it’s a good friend? Would it be better if the man were single?!

My husband is not remotely bothered if I send gifs to a friend who happens to be male. If it’s funny, he might even laugh. We are not a ‘cool couple’ in any way and believe in fidelity, have been together 30 years and we are in our fifties etc. But it feels really controlling to censor your partner’s friendships this way. Friends are great to have. Why limit yourself to your own gender??

WillJeSuis · 12/04/2024 08:56

CarefulWithThat · 12/04/2024 08:48

I can imagine someone like Matt Hancock saying jif.

Fair point.

OneTC · 12/04/2024 09:06

If someone I talked to about the footy suddenly asked if it was alright with my wife that we talked about the footy then that would be the end of the footy talk

CharlotteBog · 12/04/2024 09:36

AngelinaFibres · 11/04/2024 22:21

When I was 32 my husband left me and my children ( then aged 3 and 2). I was part of an ante natal group that continued to meet for years. It was long before the Internet so no texting but goodness me weren't the husband's keen to help me with anything I needed. And very, very keen that their wives shouldn't find out that they had offered. One of them came round first thing in the morning to see if I needed any money. No I didn't need any bloody money ( I actually desperately needed money but I was very well aware of the term 'no such thing as a free lunch'). As he left ,having been absolutely rebuffed, he said " Oh, um, don't tell Mand eh". I presume that they wanted to heroically save a damsel in distress in some caveman way. I didn't want saving and I didn't want anything to do with men. It was a very unpleasant time in my life.I would not be cool about my second husband spending time with/ texting another woman nor would I spend time texting other men for any reason whatsoever

I think your judgement has been clouded by the pathetic men in your antenatal class.

I have no interest in finding romance. I find it a shame that you would be unhappy with me spending time with your husband if we had a shared interest, or our children shared a hobby.
e.g. 1/2 time at our kids' football match and me and one of the Dads go off and get coffees for ourselves and a few others.
Obviously if he felt he couldn't do this because of his wife's reaction or I felt his wife was unhappy then I wouldn't go, but it would make me sad. Also a bit pissed off - those matches were sometimes the only time I got to speak to other adults in my free time.

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