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Original poster

Allowed to message a married man?

170 replies

Starman81 · 08/04/2024 08:22

Looking for some honest opinions on this recently my son joined a football team which he is really enjoying im also new to the area so one of the other dads came over and chatted we talked at games briefly and at drop offs to the training but the other day he messaged out with the group chat just regarding an issue with my son since then we gadge exchanged messages between us gifs that kind of thing he mentioned he has a wife other kids etc We have some similar interests so chat about that aswell as the team we have chatted on the phone Is this ok or is it likely to be hurtful to his wife? I did say to him his reply was im not doing anything wrong but im just not sure I’ve never met his wife he seems to be the one who takes their son to matches etc I enjoy talking with him but certainly don’t want to cause problems

OP posts:
RoseGoldEagle · 08/04/2024 09:39

If you had a partner OP, and your partner asked to read the messages between the two of you (or this guy’s wife asked to see them)- would you honestly be able to hand your phone over and say ‘yeah of course’ and have no worry at all they might not be happy about them? If YOU were the wife- would you be fine with it?

I have married male friends who I text from time to time, and I would be fine with anyone seeing the messages, it wouldn’t enter my head to consider if it was ok, as they are clearly platonic friendships.

As PP have said- if you have to ask and it’s something that’s worrying you- I think you know it’s not ok.

HoppingPavlova · 08/04/2024 09:40

If you have to ask whether what you are both doing may cause a problem, then there is your answer.

Mothership4two · 08/04/2024 09:45

As long as you both keep within boundaries and you can honestly say it's just a friendship then it is fine. If you get the impression it's potentially not from him or he ever oversteps then stop.

Lots of pp wouldn't like this kind of casual communication between their partners and members of the opposite sex as you can probably tell from this thread. That doesn't automatically mean you are doing the wrong thing.

ZenNudist · 08/04/2024 09:48

This is so bizarre. Either it's a platonic friendly chat with someone you get on with at football, or you know there's an attraction in which case you wouldn't chat to him. Being honest which is it? Then act accordingly.

I think at the point a man is being asked does your wife mind us speaking I'd expect him to back off as that's fairly odd.

GettingtheElectric · 08/04/2024 09:49

MorrisZapp · 08/04/2024 08:27

You can message anyone you like. It's normal to make connections through your kids, half the contacts in my phone are parents I've known over the years through DSs activities and friendships. Obviously if he gets suggestive then that's different, but assuming he's respectful you're fine.

This. I don't choose my friends or acquaintances according to their marital status, and that's the same whether they're male or female. One of my newer male friends is someone I met on the sidelines of DS's football. He was married when I met him, then divorced, now dating -- but I fail to see why any of that is of any significance, tbh. I'm married. I'm not looking for sex.

Moveoverdarlin · 08/04/2024 09:56

Just tread carefully. When replying to his messages, you have to imagine his wife reading every one (which she may well do). Don’t put kisses, don’t talk in code, I’d be very wary if I were you.

DevonDecker · 08/04/2024 10:01

Slowly slowly catch the monkey. He's testing the waters .

Goldx2 · 08/04/2024 10:02

Totally wrong unless his wife knows which I very much doubt!

GettingtheElectric · 08/04/2024 10:05

DevonDecker · 08/04/2024 10:01

Slowly slowly catch the monkey. He's testing the waters .

Or he's simply texting someone he sees at his child's football training.

Coshei · 08/04/2024 10:06

I’m always puzzled how many people on this site are categorically against their husbands/ male partners maintaining friendships with women. If this was the other way around everyone would be up in arms about the man being controlling. It’s just really weird.

Catza · 08/04/2024 10:12

Sorry, what? Is there a rule somewhere that I have to check a marital status of a person before contacting them? Unless you are sending him nudes, I think it is perfectly fine to message a person who is in a relationship with someone else.

GettingtheElectric · 08/04/2024 10:21

Catza · 08/04/2024 10:12

Sorry, what? Is there a rule somewhere that I have to check a marital status of a person before contacting them? Unless you are sending him nudes, I think it is perfectly fine to message a person who is in a relationship with someone else.

Yes, didn't you get the memo? Me neither, apparently. I message men regardless of their marital status, clearly because of my misunderstanding that messaging about the weather/the price of coal/some random thing going on in my life was not equivalent to sending them photos of myself in my underwear sucking my finger.

If someone I'd met at DS's football training messaged me and said they felt they shouldn't be texting me because it might hurt my husband's feelings, I would think they were a complete loon.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 08/04/2024 10:23

Some women are totally ok with their husbands/male partners having female friends. Some are not. If your husband/partner is the kind of man who is incapable of having a platonic friendship with a woman, and basically has no interest in communicating with a woman unless for sex, then frankly I can see why you'd be worried about him messaging a woman. But I can't see why you'd be in a relationship with him.

The 'If you're worried it might be seen S inappropriate then you obviously know it is inappropriate.' line isn't true imo. It's perfectly possible to think it's fine to have a platonic friendship with a man while being aware that some other people wouldn't think it's ok.

TitaniasAss · 08/04/2024 10:25

If you have to ask the question, you already don't feel right about it.

No, you're not doing anything 'wrong', but you could be opening up a whole big can of worms and I wouldn't even think about going there.

CarolynKnappShappeyShipwright · 08/04/2024 10:28

This makes sad reading. I am an expat (it can be lonely!) and have really bonded with a dad from school over running. We often run together but we’ve since become good friends. We spent the day together in another city doing touristic things and having lunch (after a race) and he took me to a concert recently (his wife couldn’t go). Our DSs are both ND and we bonded over this too. We chat on WhatsApp a lot and send gifs etc.

There are 15 years between us and I’m fairly attractive and I do worry a lot about the optics and what the other school parents might think because he’s a good friend and I don’t want to lose a good friendship, and there is honestly not even a hint of anything further or inappropriate. He’s also friends with my DH and they go on dads nights out etc but never one to one stuff like we do. I really really hope his wife or the other school parents don’t find our friendship inappropriate.

Brexile · 08/04/2024 10:28

Whattodo112222 · 08/04/2024 08:46

You're clearly asking for validation to begin an emotional affair with this man.

I'd stop it if I were you.

What?? There's nothing wrong, in principle, with an exchange of texts in this situation. It's not women's fault that men have a habit of turning innocent text conversations into something pervy and gross. As long as it's a conversation that you could happily have in front of your respective spouses, I don't see the harm. She can always block him if he turns out to be a wrong 'un.

RB68 · 08/04/2024 10:30

I think knock off the gif and hobby stuff and stick to business re the boys and footie or whatever and is OK. its the drift into other things in texts thats an issue - it just presents opportunity as such. Chatting on the side lines is fine in a group just not off on your own etc

ontheflighttosingapore · 08/04/2024 10:32

Would you want your husband to be having this friendship ?

Librarybooker · 08/04/2024 10:33

It’s slightly different, but I have lots of male colleagues who are friends. Occasionally, there are flirty blokes in work environments who are married but it’s not the 90s anymore, the boundaries are different.

Regarding parents, at primary we had several youngsters only ever picked up by dads. Some mums would not interact, but I never saw a difficulty

wearefreespirits · 08/04/2024 10:34

It really depends. If the messages are something that you'd be quite happy for your respective partners to see, then it's surely fine? I've messaged men before and it never occurred to me that it was an issue. We never even thought of crossing any lines. It was all friendship (and my DH did know about them and even met some). I suppose this is an issue couples have to decide among themselves. If anything starts to feel like it's getting too intimate or close or your feelings are changing, then I would definitely back away.

InTheShallowTheShalalalalalalalow · 08/04/2024 10:35

It's fine in general to make friends with a married man.

However when the conversation gets to the point of -

"Would your wife be OK with us talking like this"

"I'm not doing anything wrong"

Then it's not OK imo.

5128gap · 08/04/2024 10:35

He sounds like a chancer. Men who are above board wouldn't persuade you they were 'doing nothing wrong' (so lets carry on) if you expressed concern. Why would they bother? You'd mean no more to them than any other take it or leave it acquaintance.

inabubble3 · 08/04/2024 10:36

user1492757084 · 08/04/2024 09:02

If it's strictly football team communication, fine.

Graduating to casual jokes, phone calls and wondering if the wife would be comfortable is not fine.

Second this…. Even if the jokes etc start innocent etc, it’s very easy to step into inappropriate territory x

inabubble3 · 08/04/2024 10:37

wearefreespirits · 08/04/2024 10:34

It really depends. If the messages are something that you'd be quite happy for your respective partners to see, then it's surely fine? I've messaged men before and it never occurred to me that it was an issue. We never even thought of crossing any lines. It was all friendship (and my DH did know about them and even met some). I suppose this is an issue couples have to decide among themselves. If anything starts to feel like it's getting too intimate or close or your feelings are changing, then I would definitely back away.

In some ways I agree. But I think we all know there are people who use these messages to test the water/ put feelers out. Even if they just enjoy the attention, even if it is via messages x

wearefreespirits · 08/04/2024 10:39

Come to think of it, when my DD was having speech therapy in a group for an hour and a half every week for a while, one of the Dad's and myself used to go for coffee at a local cafe while the class was on. We had to do something and we were too far away to go home. My DH knew about it and didn't care. Sounds like most people would have a problem with this. Sometimes men and women can just communicate socially over mutual kid interests.