Allowed to message a married man?

[Starman81]

Looking for some honest opinions on this recently my son joined a football team which he is really enjoying im also new to the area so one of the other dads came over and chatted we talked at games briefly and at drop offs to the training but the other day he messaged out with the group chat just regarding an issue with my son since then we gadge exchanged messages between us gifs that kind of thing he mentioned he has a wife other kids etc We have some similar interests so chat about that aswell as the team we have chatted on the phone Is this ok or is it likely to be hurtful to his wife? I did say to him his reply was im not doing anything wrong but im just not sure I’ve never met his wife he seems to be the one who takes their son to matches etc I enjoy talking with him but certainly don’t want to cause problems

I have to say it’s daft that some people think that only single women are a threat. If their husband is that way inclined it could be a married woman he cheats with.

Indeed. When I became single I had more than a few 'taken' men try it on.
It opened my eyes to what fuckers some men can be.

Me: "Does your wife know you've asked me to go to the cinema with you?"
Fucker: "No, she doesn't understand me"

Judging by the number of posters who said they’d have an issue with even harmless communication I am not surprised at all that people wouldn’t tell their partners about it. What a horrible foundation for a relationship when there is no trust.

Removed double post

I think most people would agree that texting/ calling someone married is isn’t inherently wrong, it depends on the content of the communication in question. I think the best way to answer this question is to put yourself in the wife’s shoes: would you be happy if your own husband were texting/ chatting with another women the way this guy is doing with you?

I imagine many are the people that only answer the front door if they are expecting someone i.e quite strange (MH and ND aside obv).

Is the chat frequent and instant? If so then it's not about the innocent topic you're talking about, you're fooling yourselves Constant contact and wouldn't be welcome by his DW., no matter the subject matter.
If you message, then he answers then no contact for a few days until hobby day that's fine. It's how I chat to DC's friends' parents.

I have done this with a male friend, again whilst the children were in a class together. Also took the children out together some holidays whilst partners were at work.
The key thing was that my dh know and his dw knew. Everyone knew about it and everyone was fine about it, We are also friends as individuals and as couples, and I'm very good friends with the wife, more so than him.

But at no point was it a secret.
And at no point did it reach the point of needing to ask 'would your wife be happy with this' or either of us needing to state that 'I'm not doing anything wrong.'

Why do you think the other mums are glaring at you?
That would be odd, for all of the women there to have suddenly taken against you.

Was your DH regularly sending any one of them more in depth messages and memes though?

theres a big difference between occasional texts arranging play dates etc and regularly texting. Memes smacks of “o saw of this and thought of you” which personally I never send to any of my friends who are guys.

I think this depends on the boundaries in his relationship which you obviously don't know anything about and so therefore it is his responsibility to draw the line about what is acceptable or not not you aslong as your not flirting with him etc.

I honestly don’t know. My DH has two female friends he’s known since school and they message in this way. But I’be also become friends with them and there’s no trust issue there at all. Weirdly I think I’d be more concerned if it was someone he’d just met like in your situation, but I don’t know why.

Chat to his wife, next time you’re at one of these meetings if you feel uncomfortable about that, then that’s your answer

No, OP, you are not allowed to message, smile at, compliment or otherwise likely engage with anyone who is married.
They are fully committed to one and only human being they are tied to, never allowed to fancy anyone else and must be content in their situation.
Otherwise BS - do as you want to do.
😁

Having been through this recently with a woman clearly and hugely crossing boundaries with my DH, don't be her

Its absolutely fine to have male friends, and who are in relationship/married but -

Don't Cross boundaries

For context with boundaries, I mean:

Texting daily, multiple messages
Texting first thing in morning and last thing at night
Sexual related chat or banter or comments
Disrespecting his wife totally
Sending photos of each other to each other
Offloading personal things/getting close etc

A chat now and then, when its none of the above is fine.

Texting first thing in morning and last thing at night

I often catch up with friends last thing at night (male and female). I presume they've got their phones off/silent if they're in bed.

If the friendship is all above board why would I differentiate between married friends and single when deciding what time of day to text?

Offloading personal things/getting close etc

Within a friendship I don't regard sharing personal issues as offloading (which has a rather negative feel), but just a normal part of a friendship.
e.g. How are you?
I've had a tough week actually [insert events]
Why is that crossing a boundary if the person is married?

Combining offloading and getting close seems a bit strange; they are too different things.

I mean personal things he should be discussing with his wife, not the usual I've had a bad day crap.

And by morning and night, yes that is a boundary if they are the first person they are thinking of first thing and last thing if your married. It's getting into emotional affair territory along with all the above I said.

Oh I see. Thanks for clarifying. Yes, if a friend started telling me personal things they should be telling their partner then I (single) would step back - not to encourage my friend to talk to their partner, but because (as you say) it would indicate they felt more able to talk to me about such things than their partner.
But this doesn't mean that I (single) can't share my own personal things with a close (married) friend.

I interpreted 'last thing at night' less literally i.e finally sitting down at 11.30pm and having time to catch up with messages, not the actual last message sent before you go to sleep. I see what you mean now.

No worries, I know what you mean now too :)

It's really difficult in these situations and I myself am married and I have male friends, some married some not, but having being in a position where a woman was really crossing the line with my DH a few years ago, I always try to help in these threads. X

Personally i wouldn't like my husband doing that BUT i also know my husband wouldn't. To me its just opening up chances for something even if just emotional.

BUT its not you i would be mad at if i found out. its my tw@ of a husband, i would also be able to tell if it was just friendly talk every now and then or if it was crossing my boundary between friendly and emotional/flirty

Avoid avoid avoid. You don't need to make friends with any new married dads connected to your kids. If you need new friends look elsewhere

It's just not worth it. Doesn't matter what the intentions are, it just opens too many cans of worms. Be friendly, yes but there's just no need.

Christ! People tend to just make friends. It would be look completely bonkers if you joined a new club via your children and then asked the men/fathers whether they were married before engaging with them properly.

I honestly don't understand this. Do you really have no close male friends who you might think of when you see something funny/interesting and then send it to them because it would appeal to their interests or sense of humour?

Why would that be wrong? Why would it be different from sending something to a female friend with "saw this and thought of you"?

I always find these threads genuinely bewildering, and a bit sad. I've had close male friends (as well as female friends) all my life, when I've been single and when I've been in relationships. I'm still in touch with male ex-colleagues whose partners I've never met. Sometimes we meet up. There might even be alcohol consumed, after dark. It would never have occurred to me that I should limit topics of conversation, or have permitted times and frequencies for communication.

I mean, obviously people should set their own boundaries and manage their relationships how they want. But personally I wouldn't stay for a second in a relationship with somebody who thought they should have a say in who I could be friends with or speak to, when, and about what, on the basis of their sex. That doesn't feel like a very trusting, adult relationship. In fact, I had that once and I'm not married to him any more.

Personally I think on the surface its fine provided you're not being in any way flirty or crossing boundaries but I would also make an effort to try and meet and befriend his wife as well so everything is very transparent and if I thought for a second he was overstepping I would shut down all contact.

The fact you feel the need to ask firstly him, and then he internet though is strange if it's all totally innocent and that is making me think that your gut feeling on it is that he might not be completely transparent with her, which is 100% his issue, but I wouldn't want to be complicit in anything untoward either. And based on that, I'd listen to my gut and back off a bit or at least try to meet his wife and keep things more to the point in your conversation.