Allowed to message a married man?

[Starman81]

Looking for some honest opinions on this recently my son joined a football team which he is really enjoying im also new to the area so one of the other dads came over and chatted we talked at games briefly and at drop offs to the training but the other day he messaged out with the group chat just regarding an issue with my son since then we gadge exchanged messages between us gifs that kind of thing he mentioned he has a wife other kids etc We have some similar interests so chat about that aswell as the team we have chatted on the phone Is this ok or is it likely to be hurtful to his wife? I did say to him his reply was im not doing anything wrong but im just not sure I’ve never met his wife he seems to be the one who takes their son to matches etc I enjoy talking with him but certainly don’t want to cause problems

If you have to ask whether something is appropriate, then it probably isn't.

Obviously taking the piss?

but there is truth in it nonetheless. I think most women would be hurt if their DHs had a secret ‘friend’ who is a woman. Unless she knows all about you, then it’s going behind her back. Would you, say, feel comfortable calling their landline and asking to speak to him like a male friend would? I’m sure not as you know it’d raise eyebrows.

whether your fiendship is innocent or not there is a significant other there who would not see it that way so you have to acknowledge that.

I recently got in touch with an old flame via Instagram and found out he was in a relationship. I had no interest in him romantically but after a few messages I stopped the discourse out of respect for his partner.

you must do the same as it’s how affairs start.

It's an awkward one.

I text a couple of men from work because I have become genuine friends with them over the years.
Very occasionally they will try to turn the conversation sexual in a 'jokey' way. I always bat it back and kind of ignore it. They take the hint and don't do it again for a while.

These men have wives and children. I never used to feel any guilt about messaging someone with a partner (I also have a partner and kids). However one day one of the wives gave me a mouthful for texting her husband (he was my line manager, so I did have to contact him at times). He used to message inappropriate stuff quite often and I felt like I had to laugh it off because he was my manager. His wife went mental and ever since, I have really thought about how the wife might feel.

I don't text back the men from work much any more because deep down, I think men only message because they're half interested.

I don't see a problem if it does stay innocent, but I can imagine he will start sending the odd 'jokey' message soon!

I'm trying to think how to express this. Fine to be friends with a man and exchange messages and jokes. This needn't tip into EA territory or whatever but is there a way to bring his wife in, if you would like it to become a friendship with longevity rather than just incidental texting? Maybe suggest a playdate at theirs?

I also don't love what you said about 'I'm worried my texting you could hurt your wife' when it hadn't been anything inappropriate. Kind of suggested you saw yourself as a threat.

No harm in texting but not constantly and obviously keep it appropriate.

No i am female The name is from a David Bowie song im a fan lol Sorry for the confusion

You're allowed to have friends. Even male married ones.

Just don't have an affair with them. It's pretty simple.

Friendship good, affair bad.

If his wife has an issue with him having female friends then that's on her.

Cut out the faux 'oh I don't want to cause a problem'. You know full well this is inappropriate.

If it's strictly football team communication, fine.

Graduating to casual jokes, phone calls and wondering if the wife would be comfortable is not fine.

You should just be on a shared WhatsApp with all parents

@neverknowinglyunreasonable

I regularly communicate with a cricket Dad from my DS's team

But, it's nothing to do with sex. It's purely about arrangements for lifts and v occasionally wishing kids good luck in school exams

If he started sending personal messages / gifs, then I'd suggest setting up a WhatsApp group to include our partners, to discourage any suggestion I wanted more than a lift to a match

So, communication with opposite sex is possible, but best to be wary / sensitive it never crosses the line

There is absolutely no reason why a man and woman can’t have a platonic, innocent friendship. However you’re right that his wife may not be comfortable with it. Why not suggest a family play date? Go for a coffee, soft play, local park with all the kids and both him and his wife. You’ll find out then if the wife is in the picture and if she is, get to meet her. If you make friends with both of them there’s less likely to be misunderstandings or issues if jealousy. Good luck with it. 😊

Punctuation is ever so useful, try some next time OP. In principle, nothing at all wrong in texting a fellow parent.

Then we get to this:
Is this ok or is it likely to be hurtful to his wife? I did say to him his reply was im not doing anything wrong but im just not sure
Ok, now here you're both merrily crossing lines. You're directly pitching to him that this is a separate relationship for a wife to be hurt by, and debating it. What you should have done here if you felt it was getting a bit close is invite the whole family over, or arrange a couples night out, or back off.

I am good friends with a married man. He has told his wife if my existence and I have told my husband about my friend's. We frequently attend groups for our children together and have playdates at each other's homes. We also message each other regularly.

I also do this with another friend - a married woman. Nobody would ever think to question this.

Quite frankly, I don't see why the fact that my male friend has a penis would mean we shouldn't be friends. I am not attracted to him, and while I can't speak for him with regards to attraction, he speaks very highly of his wife.

A man who defensively says 'I'm not doing anything wrong' is definitely trying to be 'doing something wrong'

The faux naivety is a bit weird.

You went from texting about the hobby to sending eachother gifs.

You recognised that the texting is likely to make a lot of partners unhappy, you even pointed out the his wife might not like it….. you know you are both crossing a line.

If you really felt you might be crossing a line, enough to have a conversation with him about it why would you be bothering? you feel it’s crossed into territory that’s not quite right, that’s telling you that you are doing something you probably shouldn’t

Totally fine to have friends, married or not. Not fine to cross any lines. Doesn't sound like any lines have been crossed, yet.

Friendship is OK but if you are messaging frequently you are probably taking time he should be spending with his family.

If you are worried it may be inappropriate it probably is.

The fact that you've already had to ask him if your joint messaging is okay/crossed a line suggests that you feel it might be.

His response of 'I've not done anything wrong' is potentially concerning tbh.

Do you know if his wife knows about your friendship beyond the group chat/sports club? About the separate 1:1 chats? Or is he keeping that a secret from her?

Are you single? Do you like him as potentially more than a friend?

Do you message him more than any of your other friends?

It's fine to have opposite sex friendships and to message them. But it's often very obvious when it's become more than that, I think.

Has he bonded with any of the dads or is it just you he has private chats and exchanged gifts with?

I wouldn’t like a woman messaging my dh. He would also be in the dog house about this. If other women on here would be comfy with this, great. I personally wouldn’t like it.

The OP says 'one of the other dads' which made me think they were implying they are also a dad.

Tbf, the OP isn't particularly well written so the "other" could easily just be a confusing extraneous word.

The vast majority of men, IME, can't be arsed to chat like this unless there's something in it for them. So I'd shut it down, keep it in the group chat.

A lot of it will depend on who is doing the leg work in their relationship. If he is the one with lots of free time to do his hobbies, wife keeping family life ticking over it could be an issue.
If his wife doesn't feel like she is doing the grunt work of the marriage and her husband loves her regardless it's probably fine.

DH isn't keen on my friends male or female. He does worry I like them more than him I think or at east have a better time. I know he loves me and our marriage so I am not worried when he has a drink with female work mates ( it's quite female heavy in management too so inevitable) despite working away most
y . He doesn't really have friendships outside of work circles and relies on my friends locally/socially.
However my friends make and female see the dynamic and are careful not to overstep. Chat in real life in full sight of others is different from txts and WhatsApp's and mis communication and oversharing are problematic.

I did say to him his reply was im not doing anything wrong

This seems key but I just cannot
work out clearly what it means.

what did you say to him? Is texting ok or is it likely to be hurtful to your wife?
and he replied that he isnt doing anything wrong?

what were you talking about for you to ask if the messages would upset his wife?

GIFs, not gifts. They're little moving pictures.