Allowed to message a married man?

[Starman81]

Looking for some honest opinions on this recently my son joined a football team which he is really enjoying im also new to the area so one of the other dads came over and chatted we talked at games briefly and at drop offs to the training but the other day he messaged out with the group chat just regarding an issue with my son since then we gadge exchanged messages between us gifs that kind of thing he mentioned he has a wife other kids etc We have some similar interests so chat about that aswell as the team we have chatted on the phone Is this ok or is it likely to be hurtful to his wife? I did say to him his reply was im not doing anything wrong but im just not sure I’ve never met his wife he seems to be the one who takes their son to matches etc I enjoy talking with him but certainly don’t want to cause problems

And removed a second duplicate!

I got the gist of what you were saying. Please ignore unnecessary comments.

By asking this I’m assuming you have feelings beyond friendship for him? Or you’re worried the context of your conversation is inappropriate?

Messaging a married man is not inappropriate in itself, I do it all of the time and I’m also married. I’m the only female in our department now and I’m close friends with two male colleagues who are both married so we do message one another. I don’t fancy them and I’d be happy for my husband to read the messages so that’s how I know I’m not doing anything wrong. It’s only wrong if you know you’ve crossed a boundary.

Nothing inappropriate has been said I only asked that as my last partner was very strick about me speaking to anyone so i wanted to check she knew The chat is about my boy who has autism and some options that were available to help him progress It was all perfectly innocent I think tho i will maybe just go through the coach in future

Do you fancy him?

No not at all I don’t know him

I am a single woman. I can assure all married/partnered men that any sort of communication with you does not mean I want to have sex or break up your marriage.
This is one part of being single I don't like. I have to consider what other people might be thinking about these things.

I did have to draw back from a friendship with a man when his girlfriend became jealous (I took the stand that his relationship took priority over our friendship even though she was wrong). She was jealous of him having any friends that were women. He's no longer with her and I was able to resume the friendship. He's engaged to a woman I am also friends with and everything's fine.

I also drew back from a friendship with a married man, who was my ex from 30 years ago. He told me he didn't want his wife to know we were chatting. I wasn't having any of that so just stopped talking to him.

I get that I’m single at all the fundraising nights etc and i do feel i get glares from the other mums when he talks to me It is kind of unfair im just there for my son Perhaps i should just keep to myself and other mums and not talk to the menfolks 🤷🏼‍♀️

Gosh I'm involved in my kids sports and have a few parent mates male and female I chat to by WAp etc Always about the sports etc but I've never thought I can't chat to someone just cos they are a man or woman who happens to be married. I guess if anyone checked the chats they'd see it was all just innocent chat about the teams etc

Unless things have taken a suggestive tone, then there's nothing wrong with it at all. If the tone becomes at all suggestive, you close it down and stop further direct contact.

Come on, what do YOU think? Surely you can put yourself in the shoes of the wife and come up with an answer.

Put the shoe on the other foot....

I would be careful, as this man may be targeting you for an affair - saying you have a lot in common - what, more than his wife? I would be suspicious of that for a start

Why are the other Mums glaring at you? That's very, very strange and would suggest there is a suggestion (either obvious or pathetic gossip) that there is more than friendship.

Chatted on the phone?

You already know this isn't right, you need to put a stop to it.

If the chats remain primarily about your children, their hobbies and the autism signposting etc with very little conversation about day to day adult stuff (hobbies, shopping and life etc? Then I wouldn’t worry too much. I always work on the proviso - would I be ok with the whole of the WhatsApp group/community etc seeing this conversation? If there is nothing that makes me winch and think I’d rather they didn’t see that comment etc - all good.

I have a few married men I talk to in groups. Occasionally I might have something to ask one of them specifically, but tbh, I almost always do that in the group too. Not because there's anything wrong, but to keep boundaries and avoid misunderstandings.

If you're asking, you know it's not OK IMO

If your husband were to read all the messages, would he be happy - do you have anything to hide ?!
If his wife were to read all the messages, would she be happy - does he have anything to hide ?!!!

if no to both above, then why this post...

surprised at the number of people saying this is not OK?

it really really depends on the individuals and situations

if the msgs are flirty of course its not OK

otherwise general friendliness... what's wrong with that?

A disturbing proportion of Mners think its Letting the Door Open to Illicit Urges. Or something.

I find it somewhere between hilarious and alarmingly reactionary. Especially when you consider what a high percentage of Mners self-describe as lonely and friendless, it's pretty weird that they are incapable of viewing the opposite sex in anything other than a sexual light. Men are just people, too.

The idea that you should keep text communication with a man to group chats is like some weird 21st-c version of chaperonage.

If you're just talking about your DC, I don't see the problem. DS' BFF's dad is the main contact we have for their family as he's the one overseeing lift clubs and sleepovers and general arrangements. He's the one I bump into when I drop DS off or who picks up BFF here, and he's the one who turns up at school events so he's the one DH and I chat to. Our whatsapp chats are mostly around logistics with brief segues into the odd other thing that's vaguely related.

Personally, I think any relationship that develops too quickly into constant messaging is a problem - not just between men and women. I'd be a bit nervous if I got chatting to another mum and then suddenly was in a constant dialogue with her on whatsapp. Not because of sex, but it suggests someone who has problems with boundaries. Friendships develop and evolve over time. You don't go from not knowing someone at all to constant chit chat.

So in the case of DS' BFF's dad above, as we've only known each other for about a year as the boys are new to secondary school, this is fine. Maybe in 5 years time we'll all be best buddies, who knows. Seems unlikely to me, but you then one of my very good mum friends is someone who when I first met her I found a bit odd. I'd never have guessed how much time we'd subsequently spend together 5 years down the line!

illicit urges 😂that made me chortle

yes cleaely talking about football and sending random gifs makes all womens' knickers spontaneously combust

I had something similar and I drew back as well because of hostility from my males friend girlfriend and in the end I kind of felt sad about it as a few years later he died by suicide. It’s something that plays on my mind occasionally, but I know i did the right thing and me being friends with him wouldn’t necessarily have changed how he died.

I have to say it’s daft that some people think that only single women are a threat. If their husband is that way inclined it could be a married woman he cheats with.

In my friends case, there was a girl in our social circle who was engaged that had a crush on him (she told me) and openly flirted with him but yet it was me who was singled out for jealousy by his girlfriend and I just saw him like a brother. We see it in here so often about peoples husband leaving them for a married woman or a married woman who is cheating.

Similarly if a woman is accepting of her partner having female friendships only based on how unattractive she feels said friends are, it’s daft because so often the OW is not necessarily any more conventionally pretty and also some women would be surprised at their husbands tastes. Eg, men who are with slim women and claim that’s their type and end up cheating with a plus sized woman

It always blows my mind on here how many people have issues with their partners having friends of the opposite sex. Provided there is good communication, trust, clear boundaries, and respect, then this should be fine. Men and women can absolutely be friends - the question is whether or not he’d be happy to show his wife the chat. If not, then there’s a problem.