To just wander off for 30 minutes with no word leaving my husband with our child?

[saltyvinegar]

Because my husband thinks it's fine to do it to me. To have a rest to do some sort of project thing. To prevent drip feed child is toddler age.

In the house? Yes, that’s fine. Is he likely to leave it 30 minutes before he comes and finds you, though?

In the house? I really don't see an issue.

So just wander off and leave him with a toddler with no idea when I'm coming back. No heads up I'm going for a lie down? Someone has to watch the toddler. Just feels like it's assumed that will be me if he wanders off

You know where to find him if you need him. He hardly needs permission to leave the room in his own house.

But what if I wanted to leave the room for 30 mins? Why am I default parent?

This is a very odd thread. Of course he can move about the house as he wishes. If he sees the toddler is fine and with you, then he can go off and do a job or lie down without asking for permission. The same goes for you.

From what you’ve said, I’d just go and get him. If my OH is in the room with the kids, I’ll wander off to do some work and I don’t announce it. If he needs to do something, he’ll call me down and we’ll swap. I’m not sure about your particular circumstances or if there’s something more to your situation?

You're not? You're free to leave the toddler with DH and wander off too if you'd like.

If you've been left with toddler and want to do something, just take him to DH and go and do what you want.

You want him to ask permission to leave the room?

But in that scenario, he'll be watching the toddler by default, surely?

Unless you think he'd just wander off and leave toddler alone? In which case, you have bigger issues.

Just do the same as him.

Give it a go? If he’s not a massive sexist, there’ll be no complaint.

I don't think people are being fair to the OP here. Of course it's an issue if one parent is always 'checking out' without saying anything, of course that leaves the other parent to have to do, well, the parenting.

That's it thank you. It's like if I'm with the toddler off he goes doing whatever without a care in thr world

There's nothing to stop OP doing the same, though?

If you want to leave the room for 30 minutes while DH is there I don't understand why you can't? Surely he will stay to keep an eye on DC? If I announced every time I left the room the toddler would come running after me, if I just quietly left them to play with DH they would be fine.

The is. If my DH is off somewhere then what am I meant to do. Just wander off and leave the toddler?

you are only the default parent because you are making yourself so. Just tell him your going to do whatever, or lie down for a nap, or something, and do it

Ok. Then I shall try this. Last time I did this I got woken up by him asking what was I doing

Of course not - just go and find DH, leave the toddler with him, and go off and do what you want.

I get what OP is saying, but yes. The only way is to do it back.

I don’t think people realise what it’s like because in reality people generally do somehow indicate they are leaving, or staying.

Do you think he’d wander off if you weren’t there, leaving dc unsupervised?

Don’t make a big deal of it, just get on with it and if he challenges it agree that people need to check it’s ok to wander off- then that covers him too.

I do this, I normally go for an unannounced nap and my partner doesn't find out until he comes and finds me - you need to get in there first OP!

Surely he's still in the house? So if there's a problem he's right there?

It's not like he's going off to the pub, what a odd thread.

I get it OP, everyone's deliberately being disingenuous here. My ex used to do this all the time, it was one of the 'dishes by the sink' moments for me. I shouldn't have to be default parent 24/7, and I felt I shouldn't have had to go and find him in order to just fucking breathe or wipe my bum by myself for a moment. Yes he doesn't need to ask permission, but also it's the lack of courtesy and respect, and the feeling that I'm 'on duty' forever figuring out bottles of milk, naps, snacks, nappies, potties etc whereas he just wanders off and does as he pleases whenever he wants. What if I acted like him and just vanished for a nap or whatever? Well chances are, ex wouldn't have noticed and just blithely done the same, then the kids would have been in danger or neglected. So I didn't. It's about co-ordinating with your partner, each having equal 'off' time, not him asking permission or you being constantly the default parent.

You need to have a talk with him. If he's as disrespectful as my ex, this won't be the only thing.

@saltyvinegar I find it rude, without adding in the toddler! It's common decency to say what you're going to do. Even if it's kind of vague like potter in the garden just so the other person has a time frame or knows you're not just going to get a jumper or whatever.