To just wander off for 30 minutes with no word leaving my husband with our child?

[saltyvinegar]

Because my husband thinks it's fine to do it to me. To have a rest to do some sort of project thing. To prevent drip feed child is toddler age.

My DH did this, not so much in the house but out and about. So if we were shopping with the kids he would wander off for ages to go and look at something without telling me, and leave me with the kids. And this is how we lost DS in the Trafford Centre, because DH did his wandering off trick without telling me, and I assumed DS was with him because he wasn't with me 😡

He also did it at social occasions where he would disappear to go socialise and leave me with the baby and children so I couldn't socialise uninterrupted, which was fucking dull.

OP I get you, my DH does this. I've had a couple of (tearful) conversations with him about it and it has gotten better thankfully. It was pure thoughtlessness on his part, not malice. He just didn't think that him going about his day without checking in me or dc meant I couldn't go to the toilet or make food and that I was 'on' the whole day. When I asked him if he was with dc on his own if he could go to the toilet or make lunch without running after dc he realised how unfair it was. He still forgets sometimes but he makes an effort now to let me know before if he's doing something that's time consuming.

I don't recognise any of this. I have an older toddler so he's at the stage of just pottering about playing with his toys or "helping" us as we get stuff done around the house. But unless we're doing something as a family, we take turns Saturday and Sunday morning as to who's taking him out somewhere. And if we're all at home and either one of us wants to do something we just say "I'm off for a nap", or "I'm going for a shower" or "I need to pop out to the shops, do you want anything?"

All of this is just being polite to each other.

How on earth can you not go to the toilet or make food because you're in charge of a toddler?

If you’ve told him how you feel and it’s not changing then you need to set up a specific system with boundaries / guidelines so that you don’t end up the default parent all the time.

So I assume your preference is similar to the ‘tagging out’ approach mentioned by a previous poster - ie just a quick check in before disappearing for more than a quick wee with a rough timeframe for each other - going to lie down for 30 mins, going outside to cut the lawn for an hour etc.

If your DH can’t manage to work with that system then you’ll have to go more structured with your share of the parenting duties so that you each get a portion of time over the weekend where you are not the default parent - at least then you’ll have some guaranteed recuperation time so will feel less irritated by the wandering off moments.

The point is that the OPs DH DOESN'T "say" anything...,,, she just turns around and he's gone!!

@FrangipaniBlue

The point is that the OPs DH DOESN'T "say" anything...,,, she just turns around and he's gone!!

Yes that's my point: it's rude.

It's also rude even if they didn't have children. Imagine wandering around your house not knowing where your husband is because he wandered off to the shops without saying anything? Totally bizarre behaviour from any adult.

Do you always need two parents to watch your DC?

I do this and I'm the mum. My DH doesn't mind. Admittedly he wanders off and leaves me with the toddler less than I do, but I've always wandered off like this to go do stuff without a word, even pre kids

I do this and I'm a woman. My DH has always said it's a bit rude - but he only really gets annoyed about it when we have guests over and I do it.

I just like to do my own thing tbh

@Youcancallmeirrelevant

thats what I SAID.

but one of you still needs to be responsible for them. You cannot both just fuck off & do your own thing without checking the other one is supervising.

except he does because he takes it for granted she will be supervising & that's not fair.

Announce you're going for a lie down, stuff your bed with pillows, then climb out the window and get to your nearest pre-booked B&B/Travelodge. After at least a couple of hours of 'napping', turn your mobile on and 'sleepily' explain that you're catching up on some much needed sleep and didn't think to let 'dp' know as that's what he does, so no problem.

You'll be back in the morning, after you wake up and possibly have a feed, and that if DP had called 911, police, etc, my parents and my many friends in some sort of panic; they were overreacting and being rather dramatic as I'd only gone for an an announced nap.

Win, win OP.

@MsCactus

I like to do my own thing too. I'm very introverted and need a lot of time on my own. I don't shy away from saying I'm off out for a bit, or I'm away for a lie down or whatever. But I'd never just stand up and walk out leaving someone wondering where on earth I was.

Now, we have a small home and no one needs permission to just walk about, pottering, doing whatever they need to do: it's pretty obvious where everyone is. I was previously in an abuse relationship where I couldn't so much as leave the room without some grand announcement. Bollocks to that.

But it is rude, when you have young children, to unannounced just go and soak in the bath for a half hour without saying, or wander off for a sleep, or leave the house to run an errand. It's polite to let each other know. Neither person should be left feeling like the default parent while the other one waltzes about oblivious.

I get it OP.

DH and I are in the trenches with small kids and a baby. I've not consciously thought about it before- but we both let each other know what we're doing. DH will ask 'is this a good time for me to mow the lawn' or I'll say 'we need milk. I'll take child A to the shops with me if you're ok with B and C'

It's also about reading the room and choosing the moment. If the baby is asleep and the older children are playing happily- that's a good time to go sand something in the garden. But swanning out whistling while all hell is breaking loose is a dick move.

It's not hard to communicate so the other parent knows when the end is in sight.

^
I do this and I'm a woman. My DH has always said it's a bit rude - but he only really gets annoyed about it when we have guests over and I do it.

I just like to do my own thing tbh^ @MsCactus

Stop doing it then. It's inconsiderate. You don't have to give all the details but some indication to how far you'll be and how long you might take is really important.
Thank CV

It depends very much on the toddler

No...

You just have to sometimes OP. Both mine would have starved if that were the case. My oldest was much harder work as a toddler but my DH works away so I had to make food prep and everything else life entails work.

Both me and DH take an advantage of a quiet moment to slink away sometimes. I think it’s normal.

People on here do this shit on purpose op. Everyone knows exactly what the issue is. No one would like it, and no one wants to be the default parent.

Honestly this place has gone to the dogs.

I think if OP doesn't want to be seen as the default parent then she needs to stop acting like it.

Unless her partner can't be trusted, there's nothing stopping her from going to have a bath or read a book while leaving her toddler in his care.

If you find the answer, please share! Just had a sleepless night wondering if this was worth divorce with my partner! Concluded this morning probably not but somethings got to give!

I get it OP. I think DH is doing one thing, can't find him anywhere. Discover him sat on bed with his phone whilst I'm doing housework, stuff with kids.
If I did that he'd ask me what I'm doing!

I've had that thought too. I have DSC and part of me genuinely wondered if I'd get more down time if he was forced to do every other weekend

If you are actively with the child then this is fine.
If he is sat watching the child while you are doing other stuff and leaves assuming you will watch your child that's a problem.
I am guessing that your concern is, if you do the same it won't even occur to him that he can't and child will be left alone?

Next time he does it, when he comes back, say where did you go? I thought you were watching X?
But you will probably need to keep telling him when you are doing it.