To just wander off for 30 minutes with no word leaving my husband with our child?

[saltyvinegar]

Because my husband thinks it's fine to do it to me. To have a rest to do some sort of project thing. To prevent drip feed child is toddler age.

I don't think a toddler needs watching all the time although someone needs to be nom.inally in charge. I would just get on with whatever I wanted to do in my own house, toddler can potter about. If I want to do something specific like go out or do some work I will say so. We do have a kind of unspoken agreement that we each get chance to do what we want if we're all in for a few hours. I think you need to get in the habit each time of having something you want to do and say that you are off to do it. That will create the expectation that you aren't just sitting around doing nothing available for childcare.

I understand exactly what you are talking about OP. My husband sometimes just buggers off upstairs and has gone for a nap or a bath and it's rude. If I'm off to do something I always let him know. It's literally not hard, but yes it makes you feel like the default parent. You are there and that is the given.

I mean literally not hard as in not hard to just say where you are going/what you are doing.

How old is toddler? Mine is 16 months and I’ve always used a playpen if I want to pop into a different room for a bit. I’m also not against him roaming around some areas of the house which we’ve made safe for him.

Otherwise, if both of us are here. We’d just go to a different part of the house without announcing it.

He is selfish, purposefully oblivious, lazy and rude. He clearly considers you the default parent.

But simply reciprocating in the same vein wont actually solve anything. Have you actually talked about this with him in order to clarify mutual expectations and come to an agreement on how to handle these kinds of situations?

@Youcancallmeirrelevant

you can leave them for a few minutes to do something like have a wee, you can prepare a meal while listening out & checking on them, you can't bloody well just both wander off and do your own thing!

it's mot about wanting or not to do what they're doing it's about communication & knowing how long they'll be tied up with x activity etc.

its part of being a couple/family,

Since my LO learnt to crawl, and even more so now he can walk (18 months) i'll leave him in the lounge while i get on with stuff in the kitchen, or i'll be sat in the lounge reading a book or whatever and he'll just be coming and out playing, i'm not watching him 100% of the time. I'll pop upstairs to put some washing away while he is in the lounge playing. He doesn't stop me doing whatever i want/need to round the house. If i have stuff to do in the garden, then shoes on and he is out with me.

Well you can to some extent, toddlers can play with toys in 1 room while you are in another if needed

I think either way is fine, tbh.

There shouldn't be any need for formal communication in an otherwise solid relationship.

He sounds like a selfish prick. So if he can do it, so can you. Make it clear. Keep a tally. Every time he thinks he can wander off like a pre-parent douchebag without a care in the world note it down. And talk to him. Explain why he needs to be more thoughtful and that this fracture between you (caused by his selfishness) will only deepen and rip your family apart if he doesn’t change.

My ex used to do this, he would always be in bed asleep though, no where else. It did wind me up as normally if be the one who had got up early with the kids. I didn’t daytime nap in those days, I certainly do now but kids grown up now so it’s fine

But you're saying it's half an hour, not all day. So he goes off and has a nap, he comes back.

What is it you want from him? For him to ask permission to go for a lie down / do some gardening? To say ok I'm shattered I'm off for a nap but when I come back you can have the exact time to yourself? For you to never be apart?

I'd work out what your end outcome in before you talk to him

My husband does that all the time, it's infuriating!
Like, we are getting ready to give dinner to the kids (both under 3) and he just f*cks off for 30 min just when we sit them down. I assume he thinks I have things under control, but I would plan things differently if I knew I was going to be on my own.

All it takes is "I need to do X, are you ok for now?" to give me a chance to grab what I'm missing or go to the damn toilet before getting stuck!

lol, umm just do it. Do you really expect to be in the same room, all of you 24/7 how tedious

I hate this when my partner does this, I think he is has nipped out of the room for 5mins and he doesn't come back, I told him as annoying as it is can he just say need to do some paperwork be back in awhile etc

And you leave your toddler on their own for 30 min?...

If we are all at home we'll have a quick discussion in the morning about what needs doing and then share out the time parenting/time doing other stuff. I'd say the difference is that when I'm in charge of the toddler I'll keep on doing jobs while they 'help'. DH tends to do only looking after the toddler and then gets annoyed he's not achieving much 😂

That's not what she said.

She meant there's nothing stopping OP from getting up and leaving her toddler with their dad, or really from taking the toddler to dad if she needs to.

I laughed reading your post - not in a nasty way but in a ‘oh my god- I remember that’ way.
I know exactly what you mean.
you are on duty all the time, you are clear to say or even ask ‘I’m going to have a shower now, is that ok?’ Or whatever.
they don’t. It’s infuriating. And yes, it’s because it is unbalanced. It just so clearly shows that. My DH was not selfish or lazy at all. But there was imbalance - due to the set up and I was breastfeeding when kids were little etc and wasn’t working- and this was just result of that.

I feel that a lot less now that the kids are just that little bit older and I feel less drained. I also talked to him about it and he tried to get better at communicating more and I occasionally played at taking more time for myself and doing what he does. Those years can be hard. Sometimes your partner is selfish but sometimes it’s just because those years are hard and everyone is exhausted

I don't think the OP is asking for permission though, I think she's asking for communication. As if they both decided to adopt DH's approach and just wander off then their toddler would be a bit stuck!

(Full disclosure OP, I'm in the same position as you and at times it drives me scatty. I think the 'default parenting' thing possibly relates to the reality that a woman's life changes from the moment she's pregnant. There's things you have to do, or not do, eat or not eat and your body and life are instantly no longer your own. Breastfeeding adds further to this narrative if that's what you choose to do. I don't regret it at all but it definitely reinforced me as being the "main" parent as it was only me that could easily meet their feeding needs. For the dads there doesn't have to be any change, technically ever!)

Yes! The shower thing!

If you retaliate by mirroring the crap behaviour, you just lose the moral high ground. Next time he wanders off, go and find him. Hand your daughter to him. Walk away and take 30 minutes without saying anything. Repeat.

Was chatting with my cousin recently who has a new baby. He was saying how the wife doesn't let him go anywhere, he has to ask permission now! He was saying it in a humorous way. But the point is, he's hopeless and she's literally had to train him out of behaving like this until he's finally got the message.

I think it's bit weird that anyone, with a child or not, just wanders off without telling the people they are with where they are going. My DH used to do this but I've trained him out if it (lol). Use to do my head in, we'd be watching a film or something and he'd wander off. I'd just assume he was going to the loo or something then 30 mins later I'd suddenly realise he'd not come back, so I'd go and find him and he'd have started a job or made a phone call or had a nap or something while I was just sitting there waiting like a lemon. It's not about asking permission, he can do what he likes, just let me know what you are doing so I know and can plan around it and I'm not sitting around waiting for you. Just basic communication imo.

One of my friends did this and the postman found the baby unaccompanied in the street as both parents assumed the other one had taken them.

With my DP, yes ofc. And I don’t tend to have to explain myself either. What a silly q.