To just wander off for 30 minutes with no word leaving my husband with our child?

[saltyvinegar]

Because my husband thinks it's fine to do it to me. To have a rest to do some sort of project thing. To prevent drip feed child is toddler age.

Yes, but you'd wait until he's not off somewhere, just like he does to you?

OP, have you both had a conversation about this? I don’t think either of you should have to announce when you go out of the room, so long as DC is supervised. However, if you allow him to have his time, the same should be reciprocated. That part I agree with. Although I don’t think I’m never truly left alone by my kids, but that not my OH’s fault.

It’s not an odd thread, people are being bloody obtuse.

The point is that HE wanders off without a by your leave, taking it for granted that the OP will be with the child. Taking for granted is the issue here, and people making facetious comments are just twats.

Right so then we'll just play pass the toddler all day.

THANK YOU!!!! YOU GET IT!

People aren't twats just because they disagree with you/the OP.

OP should also be able to leave the room and take it for granted that the child's other parents will care for them. That should be the default, surely?

But why is that a problem? Sounds very normal to me?

Yes like just having a wee vs sanding something down in the garden

That's it - taken for granted.

So if you don't want to do what he is doing what do you want to do?

Also, why does someone have to be watching the toddler at all times? I'm guessing from toddler you mean 18 months plus?

Are you not meant to at that age? When do you let them roam free?

I get what you are saying. My DP would do the same and assume I would look after the kids but I would always check/tell him what I was doing. And I felt that meant if I had wandered off to do something he wouldn't actually know he was in charge and might just wander off himself

As long as you both get to it, then it’s fine.

As long as you can have your “turn” at some point, or obviously as long as you’re not currently doing something together, then it’s fine.

If you’re both just sitting in the living room on a Saturday afternoon watching a toddler I don’t see any issue with him going to do something in the garden, or with you going for a bath/nap/read a book for half an hour etc.

You’re not wrong, OP. It’s passive entitlement, and it’s not OK.

Mumsnetters enjoy being deliberately obtuse and trying to make poster’s feel stupid. You are not stupid, you just want to feel like your husband is on the same team as you.

Wait...do people wander off without saying anything? My husband I always say 'oh just having a nap/bath, cooking, ringing x family member, etc.' I thought this was the norm!

Pretty much yeah, unless you want all 3 of you to be together all the time

I agree that it’s bad manners. You need to communicate if you want/need to have a lie down and leave the other person to parent.

Do you think he’s doing it because he’s oblivious (and self-centered), or is it because he thinks you’ll make a fuss and tell him that he can’t leave you?

If you can make it a reciprocal habit so you both get some down time, that would obviously be the best. I like to get some down time by walking the dog on my own listening to audio books and my DH does mysterious tinkering in our basement (that seldom results in anything but it seems to make him happy). 😂

Agree with this and depending on your relationship communication, I'd either be telling him straight or doing as you suggest.

Do you go and find him to ask what he's doing? I would because I'd be bloody furious if my DH woke me up from a nap to ask what I was doing.
And it is taking you for granted. I don't believe all the posters saying they wouldn't care if their partner wandered off with no indication of where they're going or when/if they'll be back.
Absolutely wander off and do what you want and if he interprets you then start doing it back to him.
It's childish but he's behaving like one.

Sent too quick. What I also wanted to say is it's a tough age so to a degree yes you'll be passing the kid back and forward while you do things alone. But I understand what you mean about being the default, it's that unsaid notion that you're always the one in charge and responsible. When you went off for a nap and he came woke you to ask what you were doing did you discuss him waking you for no reason?

My DH used to do this frequently. Even before we had kids it was annoying as fuck. He'd just walk off or head out in the car without saying where or when he'd be back. It's basic manners to explain your absence.

He does it every now and again and I bollock him each time for being really fucking inconsiderate but it's much less frequent thank God. Boils my piss every time.

Make your stand early - my 9 year still comes to me as the default parent in this scenario (except first thing in the morning which is where made my stand) it does get better as they get older and I have enjoyed lots of the time looking back but wish I had carved some time out for myself.

I don't understand. They can't both do this whenever they want though? Surely it's polite, teamwork and common sense to say whilst you're with X I'll go and do Y if that's ok?

I don't think I would because he might wander off assuming you are there then the child will be alone! Just tell him and go 'clean the bathroom' - have a long bath