To just wander off for 30 minutes with no word leaving my husband with our child?

[saltyvinegar]

Because my husband thinks it's fine to do it to me. To have a rest to do some sort of project thing. To prevent drip feed child is toddler age.

I get it. No responsible parent would leave a toddler unsupervised for half an hour and go to sleep, even if the toddler is happily playing in a safe room. You listen in and/or stick your head round the door occasionally.

If one parent thinks it's ok to wander off without checking the other is keeping the toddler safe, it's because they see the other person as default parent. I would be upset if my husband thought of me that way.

I think we are lucky if men do their share, my partner certainly didn't! He's never cooked for me in 27 years of relationship. Been to one parents evening of the 3 kids, and only attended half of a kids performance at school. ( it was too hot)

There is always one parent who is more responsible and more responsive than the other.

Usually it's the female.

Best thing is, is if they are in the home they will take full credit for being the primary carer, my h must have spent 99% of his home life on the phone but will rage that he was fully present and engaged.

It was bullshit.

Totally not unreasonable. But realistically, Mum’s just don’t get to do it. If we leave the room for more than 60 seconds the kids or your fella come looking for you.

I would probably say something, only because if they tend to wander off a lot, they might not realise you have and then the kid will be left unattended.

But… If this was a really bad habit on their part, I would do this purposely and keep an eye from a distance to prove the point of it’s expected you’ll always be around whilst they do whatever the hell they like because actions speak louder than words. But be prepared if he doesn’t wander off for the, they’ve done this and I’ve just had to do this and that etc 🤣

Having a nap with a toddler is this an alternate universe? If I or my DH did this I would find it weird unless one of us was working shifts, in which case fair enough on the one working nights. Yes at times we would both have things to do and watching child would be alternated as necessary. As the mum I guess the default is probably on you, but DH should take over when required. But everyone should say where they are going just common courtesy.

I remember those days well. In the end (after endless attempts to rectify) I gave myself an ultimatum, cut my losses or expect nothing and anything he does do is a bonus. I chose the latter. 15 years have passed and we're good. Them early years are tough. No easy solution, but suppose this depends on the bloke you've chosen! :-0

You definitely would.

i left my ex DH because of a similar frame of mind on his part. He wouldn’t do more than the absolute bare minimum yet ironically now the responsibility is all his (on the days he actually has DC), and I actually get some form of a break. And no more dealing with a DH who expected to be mothered too. Now when DC are with me I have a similar workload (without ex DC commenting negatively on how I chose to parent ), and then I get a break too. Win win!!

Why is it something you accepted?

Some men are absolutely shit, women don’t have to put up with it though.

I've had that thought too. I have DSC and part of me genuinely wondered
if I'd get more down time if he was forced to do every other weekend

Yup, but the survival rate of you child would go down considerably.

Many of them just dump them on their mothers.

I'm reading between the lines here and i think you need to sit him down and tell him that you are not 100% responsible for your child, you are 50% and it's unfair of him to go off and do whatever he wants without checking in with you. Explain to him that each time he does this you are left stuck with your toddler until he returns. Then after that conversation a simple what are your plans for today everyday will iron out what both of you want to do n who is doing what when. He's never going to read your mind and unless you speak up the problem will continue.

Fair point

I have nothing helpful to add but simply to say I completely get it - my husband does this too and it drives me insane. I’ve started to say “ok you’ve been watching x for 2 hours so now that’s done I have 2 hours now - here you go” but my son (3yrs) will invariably find me even if I go off.

I have this too, my children will walk past their father as he is always on his phone, only to come and tell me they want something when they could have just asked him. It drives me crazy. If I go into another room they follow me but he could go for a lie down and no one would bother him.

I actually feel the rage just typing this out now 😅 maybe time for a day out for myself to "work".

I had this with my DH, drove me mad. It would be more than half hour too and I was left with toddler all day. It had been the same since DC was a baby but it wasn't until quite recently I even noticed or thought anything of it but then we hit terrible 2s and he was constantly pushing the boundaries. I was exhausted and stressed by the end of the day then realised DH wasn't because he was just off relaxing in another room. I spoke to DH about it and started going off for my own breaks. Half an hour alone really made so much difference to my mood and energy levels. Go take breaks yourself OP.

This is my issue exactly at the moment, my husband has headaches at the moment and broken sleep sometimes. Funnily enough with a 6 month old, a 4 year old who will only have me during the night and chronic pain conditions, I too have bad headaches and broken sleep but for some reason I can’t just walk out the room and lie down without saying anything.
The last two Sundays without saying anything has taken himself off to bed for 2 hours. He doesn’t think that when he does that, I’m taking on both children myself. So we both felt unwell but instead of splitting it and battling on together, his needs trumps mine and he leaves it all to me. I don’t think in the 4.5 years I’ve been a parent and our children are at home, I’ve ever walked past our bed and thought, I think I’ll just lie down. Drives me crackers!

This! It's bonkers thinking isn't it!

It fucks me off that I come home sometimes having been out for the afternoon and my DH hasn't fed our children because "oh they didn't say they were hungry".

Our youngest is 1.

Usually turns out that the reason they're not whining is because the older one has been nicking biscuits or crackers from the jar and sharing them with the little one.

How does someone who swears that they haven't left the toddler for more than a few moments not notice this?

"Oh I was answering emails on my phone".

😠

That's even worse than my BIL. I was out with my sister and when she got home she found out BIL had phoned his mum because he didn't know what to feed his two year old daughter . He did at least feed her though (once his mum told him what to get her). He is a prick though.

My DH went back to work after paternity leave and seemed to lose his common sense. He took baby one weekend morning so I could lie in and came to me after 3 hours because our 12 week old was sobbing inconsolably and wanted me. I asked what time was last feed. An hour before. I asked how long he'd napped for. Blank stare. So the 12 week old has been awake for over 3 hours and you don't know why they're sobbing?!? Oh I'm at work so I don't know his nap schedule was the excuse. Common sense they won't want to be awake that long! A simple google of 12 week old wake windows? Or just wondering why hes yawning and rubbing his eyes?

I used to say "I'm going to do X. You're in charge."
Sometimes I still do now and DD is 17.

I once reminded DD, when she was asking me something and I was in the middle of working, that she had two parents and she responded that I was "more qualified"!