To not want to throw in my job to live in France for a year?

[Puppalicious]

My DH is always complaining about where we live (the weather, the day to day slog) and he is desperate to move (either to the country, or to another country). He has now become absolutely adamant that he wants to move to France for a year “for an adventure”. This would involve me giving up my job, which he says I haven’t been happy in recently. I have been struggling at times recently, because of various factors, and he says I’m obsessed with it do the detriment of my family, it is stressful but ultimately it’s well-paid, senior, my boss is fine and it works ok with my kids given it’s full-time and senior (flexible, short commute, hybrid). It’s far from guaranteed I could find job similar when I come back (could be less well paid, less senior (I like working at this level) or longer and less flexible hours with demanding clients or indeed I could struggle to get a job. He says we could live off our savings but we have 3 kids to put through college, the youngest of whom has just started school and we are not young. At the same time, we only live once and it does feel a bit samey. He is putting me under pressure, but would AIBU to say no?

Can you take a sabbatical rather than giving your job up entirely?

Personally, I love France and would go.

Hard no from me. Nor is it your responsibility to seek ways for him to manage his wants/feelings for a change.

Would spend a tiny fraction of the costs on couple’s counselling.

Just thinking off the top of my head knowing very little of your job but would it be possible to get an equivalent job to yours in a part of Europe where people speak English and the weather is better? E.g. Switzerland. Then you’re not giving up your career and making a sideways move which could actually benefit your career in the long term as you’d have international experience.

You are completely right to oppose this one-year plan, for all the reasons already given. But I think the summer might be worth doing?

You could probably get a summer seasonal let (May-Nov) in a French ski resort or outlying village. The main season is obviously the winter, so there is accommodation availability in the summer. There will be English spoken and some tourist facilities nearby. Sublet the weeks that you don’t need to friends/family.

It will cost some money and hassle but far less longer term disruption than his plan. Perhaps this will get it out of his system?

This is not a bad idea in theory, but a word of caution about Switzerland.

Most would be expats underestimate the cost of living in Switzerland. You need to do a lot of research to figure out what salary package you would need to have an adequate standard of living over there because a lot of people get a nasty shock when they realise that the enormous salary doesn't actually go very far at all and they are worse off on a day to day basis than they were in the UK.

This is research the OP would have to do because planning clearly isn't her husband's forte.

Your husband sounds just like my ex OP. It's draining isn't it?

It is not your place to keep him happy. He has itchy feet and thinks the grass is greener etc. Which in itself I don't think is very unusual. The major bit.... Is that it is you and the dc who have to be the ones to forfeit things for his adventure. And it's you who has to plan it all by the sounds of things.

He's bored. He needs to find something new to do where you are now. Or come up with a better plan. All that upheaval for one year. He's taking the piss. And then what is a plan for after that one year? My bet you will need to be researching his next adventure because, 'that was fun wasn't it'.

He has responsibilities now. His backpacking days are long gone. It's not your fault he didn't do it before he took on having responsibilities.

I would shut the whole conversation down. But this could affect your marriage I am afraid to say.

The schools would require (Swiss) german or french, unless you send them to a very expensive International school.

I'd tell him that you'd be thrilled to go...what a wonderful adventure...blah blah...then sit back and do absolutely nothing.
He will never get it organized.
If he tells/asks you to do it .just breezily say your sorry, you are quite busy right now, but you're looking forward to seeing his detailed plans...

I can’t imagine any loving father actively wanting to dump his 11 yr old into a class of children who don’t speak the same language.
He can’t speak French! He won’t have a fucking clue what’s happening, he won’t learn a thing, he won’t make friends, he’ll be isolated, lonely, and scared.
For this reason alone, never mind the rest of it, he’s just a twat. You know you can’t do this.

Absolutely not

He has children so it's tough as they come first

Perhaps you can move to the country in the UK for a new life. Somewhere commutable

A few more thoughts, OP.

The first is that I would sit down with your husband and really talk about this. He's talking about it in terms of, "If I don't do this now, I will be too old, this is my last chance."

I think what he needs to understand is this. Firstly, there is no longer any "I"; he is a married father of three, there is only "we". And your 11 year old is already too old to go into a mainstream school in France. If your husband wanted to do this before he got too old, it's not a question of age but of responsibilities, and the time to do this was before he had kids at a crucial stage of their education. In short, he is almost certainly already too old. But maybe give him a last chance to come up with a plan. Say, "Our 11 year old is too old to go to a mainstream school in France. And I will not take him away from his home and friends after the age of 13. So that means that you need to find a school in France that he can attend without needing to speak French, which we can afford and which has a place for him. And then you need to find a place for us to live in the catchment area of that school. And then you need to present me with a budget plan showing our income and expenditure to prove that we can afford it for a year. Do this by X date and I'll talk about it. But if you're not willing to put the work in to show me how we can actually make your dream a reality, I want to stop hearing about your dream because you're making me feel like I am stopping you from living your best life and that's just not on."

Secondly, why France? Don't get me wrong, I love France, but in many ways it's not all that different to the UK, and it's not all that easy to integrate and build a happy life there, especially if you don't speak fluent French and aren't planning on staying long term. If the two of you together decided that you wanted to have an adventure before you get too old, a year in France would not be my recommendation. I'd say see if you can negotiate a sabbatical from work and they will hold your job for you for a year, then take your kids out of school for a year completely and home school them while you travel to some more exotic places. Then when you come back, your kids could go into the year below for the next academic year if they won't be able to cope with being in the correct year group due to having missed a year of formal schooling. But I'd say you need to do this before your 11 year old starts year 9 at the very latest.

What are his plans for you to put the kids through uni, if you are going to burn through your savings? Presenting that should be part of the planning.

In his fantasy world, someone (you) sorts all the shit out so he can wander around like belle from beauty and the beast. Don't be the bad guy but say he needs to research rents, which area, and vitally, schools. The absolute reality is one of you will still be working, you still have school runs , get everyone fed, sort house etc, just in a different location. These are the years that you solidify your future, they can be humdrum, but what makes it bearable are your family and friends. if you have good money then have amazing holidays, you will need to shelve this to set your kids up for their future. Buy a house to do up, can he buy a business to focus on. You keep your job at all costs

It would be a hard no from me. You are the main earner, you have DCs happily settled in school. He doesn't even know why he wants to go to France other than he's a bit bored here.

Maybe suggest marriage guidance counselling so you can both listen and talk in a safe space. But ultimately - if it were me - he would have the choice of going alone or not at all.

Ohhh, Ireland then!
Well, a lot of Irish people move to the UK, and that would provide some novelty without the language barrier, but it's still uprooting everyone on your husband's whim, and not a good idea unless it's in the best interests of the whole family.

You say the weather is a factor for him. What is summer like where you are? Any chance he is feeling extra gloomy after a long winter?

What about a holiday to France. Then you could suggest HE starts HIS research whilst there?

I really dislike the phrase ‘children are adaptable’. I find it’s used by adults to justify not considering the impact of their choices on children.

Yes I agree. See also “resilient “. Yes they can be, but they shouldn’t have to as the default.

The more I read, this whole plan (if you can call it a plan) is madness. The schooling alone would be a no go for me. I wouldn’t even entertain it. What will your husband say if you shut the whole discussion down? Are you afraid of him leaving you?

Him going without us would be a terrible idea, and given it’s home responsibilities that mean (until recently) he hasn’t been able to move abroad it would be a change of character to dump us and move alone. In his mind, we are “movable” so that’s why he can do it now. Before him, I spent about 2 years on and off abroad, and may have tried to spend more pre-kids but not an option once I met him. That’s life, you could say that’s a sacrifice I made, he’s had a life with a lot of responsibility but he loves his kids and sadly I’ll have to explain we just can’t do it to the eldest.
A sabbatical might work but because of various reasons I’ve lost a bit of capital in work recently, I might be able to build it back up if I put in a strong year. A year would be tricky though (financially as much as anything!), I also need to think about the transition to secondary. But maybe that’s where we should direct our planning?
We actually have a good life here, we earn well and although our life can be a stressful juggle the kids seem happy enough (when I suggested cutting down on my work hours recently, my eldest was like “nooooo!”) We do dedicate a lot of our money to holidays/travel as it is. I wish he would stop complaining but I guess I can be guilty of that too! We need to appreciate what we have. And somehow get over the rain (it’s rained constantly for 10 months it feels like….)

I dint think you can go then! How does he think he will be able to support you and 3 kids on half your household income? How ' late' was your last child? I had DS2 at 39 and I feel well fit enough to be able to bugger off and live somewhere else when he's at uni. I'll only be 58 ish. I wouldn't disrupt your children's education at those ages, although some people homeschool for a year andsell their stories to the Guardian.

in his mind we are movable

The 'we' for an 'I' dream is so self centered.

I know what he means about the rain. It's very depressing, and the long winter. Would you be able to take the whole school summer holidays off, or work remotely, and rent somewhere in the South of France? That may be ling enough for a taster for him, and a long hot summer on the beach may be enough to set you up for the rain the rest of the year!

Have not read the full thread, but you do realise that EU passports do not mean you can automatically go live in France?

The EU has freedom of movement, sure, but even so EU citizens cannot move to another EU country for more than three months without proving how they will provide for themselves. That has remained national legislation.

The problem isn't with Brexit/British passports, to be clear, this is a general thing that has always been that way within the EU.

If you want to move somewhere with less rain, East Anglia is the driest part of the UK.
https://www.metoffice.gov.uk/weather/learn-about/weather/types-of-weather/rain/how-much-does-it-rain-in-the-uk

God I felt dread even reading this. Reminded me of a lovely op whose Dh wanted her and their 3 young teen dc to go and live on a boat.

These “unsatisfied” men are a nightmare. Awful. Can they not appreciate the lovely life that you have? Plus it would
be so lonely France isn’t particularly welcoming especially if you don’t speak the language. He needs to get over himself fast.