To not want to throw in my job to live in France for a year?

[Puppalicious]

My DH is always complaining about where we live (the weather, the day to day slog) and he is desperate to move (either to the country, or to another country). He has now become absolutely adamant that he wants to move to France for a year “for an adventure”. This would involve me giving up my job, which he says I haven’t been happy in recently. I have been struggling at times recently, because of various factors, and he says I’m obsessed with it do the detriment of my family, it is stressful but ultimately it’s well-paid, senior, my boss is fine and it works ok with my kids given it’s full-time and senior (flexible, short commute, hybrid). It’s far from guaranteed I could find job similar when I come back (could be less well paid, less senior (I like working at this level) or longer and less flexible hours with demanding clients or indeed I could struggle to get a job. He says we could live off our savings but we have 3 kids to put through college, the youngest of whom has just started school and we are not young. At the same time, we only live once and it does feel a bit samey. He is putting me under pressure, but would AIBU to say no?

There was a time for travelling and living the free life. That time is not when your married with 3 kids and jobs

Exactly my view too. Travelling and moving abroad are great 1) before children or 2) when they've left home and you're 'free' again. Please don't disrupt their education.

I can’t work abroad with my current job could perhaps look for a new job that I could (ie that has a tax base abroad). That could be a compromise solution, my career is important to me. My eldest really really doesn’t want to move to France but he never wants to go anywhere! My DH is really not even thinking of difficulties re schools.

You need to check that you can return to the UK after a year away. You’ll need jobs paying above a set threshold before you arrive.

Yeah, he thinks the children will adapt…but that amount of disruption for one year seems crazy.

He’s being a selfish dick. It’s pathetic really. Your poor kids.

Say no.

Would I do this? Yes

would I do this with children? Yes

would I do this with a man who thinks having a one income family if necessary is a no because I'm not a great housekeeper? No, fuck no.

he's not thought through the practicalities, he's just a dreamer. You're the bread winner & the sensible one, you decide what's ok for you & the children.

i think while your eldest is only 11 is the best time if you're going to do it though. You've got a few years before you start the GCSE pathway.

Could you suggest a sabbatical off work, and do some travelling, you would not have to give up your job he would get some adventure and the fun of planning it. Children would have an amazing experience

Your eldest is either in secondary or about to start, that’s a crap time to move. Generally kids want stability rather than adventure so it’s not surprising he is not keen. If he comes back at around 13 years old, that’s an even harder time to slot back in over here. Obviously possible but I doubt he will thank you for it. Your dh needs to remember that not everything can revolve around his wants.

Ok feel free to DM but we did actually do this: moved to Paris "for a year" (but ended up staying). V different circs though. Key points -- DH is French, we all had dual citizenship, neither of us gave up our UK job (though I now have) and (most of all) doing this had been part of the "deal" with DH from when we started a family. It was really important to him that the children should spend a year in school in France. In your circs I would not consider it without WAY more planning. It took us years to plan it and then we ended up staying here anyway!

Compromise: tell him to rent a villa on the Côte d'Azur for the whole of the summer holidays (staffed of course since you're such a terrible housewife).

Your eldest is either in secondary or about to start, that’s a crap time to move. Generally kids want stability rather than adventure so it’s not surprising he is not keen. If he comes back at around 13 years old, that’s an even harder time to slot back in over here.

It would be so tough for your 11 year old imo

Your dh is being incredibly selfish

Spend the children's summer holidays in France. That way their education won't be disrupted

It’s now or never because our parents are getting older, our eldest is getting older and it will only become more difficult as he does…
Brexit has no impact here, we’ve free movement in EU and UK, it’s just the normal practicalities of all that French red tape and then trying to get them back into schools etc here. I could as a compromise say I’ll search for a new job, but that’ll take a while in itself. All the complaining is getting wearing though, I don’t know how to assuage it. I did have an adventurous spirit too but the priority has to be the kids (I would prefer Spain as well, he would be open to anywhere in fairness).

For a year? No. Either plan to make it a long-term / permanent move, or don't go.

I could as a compromise say I’ll search for a new job

Why do you need to look for a new job to assuage his feelings?

OP, this is all so messed up. He’s like a child you need to placate. He’s even told you he would not support you if you weren’t working.

Do NOT give up the security of your job for this twat, I think you’ll need it.

Yeah, that’s what I think. It’s madness that level of disruption for a year!

Yes! What a good idea 🙄

It’s a better idea than OP’s DH. As he can work self-employed in France, he should rent an Airbnb and take the kids.

OP can visit on weekends and a shorter holiday.

It seems like he hasn't considered anything beyond having a vague idea about living abroad for a year. This would be fine if he was alone but he does not seem to have considered the kids at all. If he is intending to settle in a particular town what would he do all day for that year? Where would the kids go to school? How would he integrate if he doesn't speak the language? Seems really odd tbh. Why not look to get a job abroad in a specific place where the children and the family might thrive and then move? What is it he wants from the move? Seems to be very half baked.

Could he go himself for a trip, if he really wants a change? A couple of months, maybe?

I would really struggle for those months, my job can be pretty intense. Even on the weeks he is busier with work I get more exhausted.
I’ve been getting more excited at the idea of living off his wage, writing and looking after the home - his enthusiasm for the idea is waning at that thought!

I’d say no until kids have finished school. I’d be more in favour of a permanent move but just a year seems a lot of disruption for kids.

For a year it's really not worth the upheaval. If you were wanting to do it permanently, or at least long term for say 3-5 years, it might be different, but it's not easy to integrate your whole family into life in France, and that's an understatement.

You could go with the view that it's a long holiday where you are going to home ed the children as you move around from one holiday rental to another every couple of months, in which case why stick to France? Why not add Spain or Italy to the mix? But trying to actually behave as if you 'live' there, settling into a house, putting your children in school, finding a GP and a dentist etc, setting up all your utlities etc is going to take you the entire year to get to grips with, and them some.

By which time, you'll be coming home.

This is a good point. The children would barely have learnt French by the time we’re coming home. I don’t know how to get him to work this out on his own!

He's living in a fantasy land. God knows what this would do to your children. Life is real and he doesn't like it but when you have three children you suck it up.