To not want to throw in my job to live in France for a year?

[Puppalicious]

My DH is always complaining about where we live (the weather, the day to day slog) and he is desperate to move (either to the country, or to another country). He has now become absolutely adamant that he wants to move to France for a year “for an adventure”. This would involve me giving up my job, which he says I haven’t been happy in recently. I have been struggling at times recently, because of various factors, and he says I’m obsessed with it do the detriment of my family, it is stressful but ultimately it’s well-paid, senior, my boss is fine and it works ok with my kids given it’s full-time and senior (flexible, short commute, hybrid). It’s far from guaranteed I could find job similar when I come back (could be less well paid, less senior (I like working at this level) or longer and less flexible hours with demanding clients or indeed I could struggle to get a job. He says we could live off our savings but we have 3 kids to put through college, the youngest of whom has just started school and we are not young. At the same time, we only live once and it does feel a bit samey. He is putting me under pressure, but would AIBU to say no?

Ugh, YANBU. I studied in Lyon for a few months and while I objectively appreciated that it was beautiful, getting anything done was months of red tape and the culture shock was awful (I was far happier during my months in Spain). I ended up living in a hotel room and continuing to use my British bank account.
Nice wine though...

Honestly the French don't even really like us. What about emigrating to Australia? They like us and generally people move as they're far better paid over there.

It's not just a matter of where you physically do the work. If OP's company doesn't have a legal presence in France, they'd have to establish one there and would probably be liable for tax in both countries if she lived there but was legally employed in the UK. You can't just fuck off to another country to the one you're legally employed in, even if you work entirely remotely.

So he wants to disrupt the children, risk your career as the main earner not for some great opportunity for the whole family but so that he can have "an adventure"? How old is he?

The odds are that the grass will be no greener in France. If he is feeling restless and unsettled he needs to look at addressing that where he is and then plan the adventure for when the DC are off to college.

I really think this kind of big adventure has to be a shared dream. You will just resent him if you go along with it.

Do your children speak any French already? Because I know everyone says "oh, children are like sponges, they'll just pick it up!" But that's not always true, especially the older they get, and I think your 11 year old in particular might have a difficult year at school unless he's already a pretty fluent French speaker. And even then, the French schooling system is, I'm told, quite different to the UK one. Do you know how and when to register them? Do you (does he...) know where he wants to move to and what the schools are like there? For a year, is it worth it?

What does your husband think you'd all get out of this year that would counter balance the potential stress/trauma, especially for your oldest child? Has he thought about what daily life would look like for you all, not just him? You say he's not keen on you staying at home - what does he think you'll be doing, job-wise?

If he's going to be regularly going back to the UK and leaving you on your own to look after the kids in wherever you end up in France, are you ok with that? It's quite a change from your current way of living, it sounds like - don't underestimate the impact this will have.

Honestly, personally, I think this is madness. And I have lived in France, liked living in France, and would do so again. But I wouldn't uproot my kids for a year, put them into a completely different school system, in a language they may not speak, give up my job that I like, find a place to live, sort out healthcare coverage, bank accounts, self employment registration (used to be a nightmare; might be simpler now, but I wouldn't hold your breath...), tax registration, try and find a new job, etc. Just because my husband was feeling a bit bored with how things are currently going in life.

I'm sorry not to be more positive, but there are lots of potential problems with his idea. He needs to think hard about the practical issues with this dream - and ideally, he needs to realise it's not you being difficult and trying to crush his dreams, or else there's a pretty high risk he'll resent you for not doing this insane thing and screwing up your family life.

Honestly, if neither of you has a job in France, and it's only for a year, I wouldn't consider this at all. Too much hassle, too much red tape, you're not likely to integrate into French society in that space of time...

What I might consider is taking a long holiday (6 months?) and travelling to several places, with some homeschooling during the trip if you need to. Far more interesting, though it would require a fair amount of planning. Best of all would be if you could get a sabbatical and keep your jobs to come back to.

Under French tax law, you would be considered resident for tax purposes after 183 days or if your immediate family is resident with you. Unless you intend staying, you really don't want that.

So he has the equivalent of your gross salary saved to counter the loss of pension and earnings? And loads of ££ saved to cover all costs and eventualities?
Seems like it is his idea/problem to solve about his life . do not move for him
Send him to a life coach session .

A year is crazy and kind of pointless. By the time you are starting to settle you’ll have to come back. Completely messes up the kids schooling! Either you travel for a year and accept you will have no roots (and I guess homeschool) or move properly for at least a few years so you can work and make a life wherever you go, even if you come back.
edit: if you had a job it might be ok but to live in one place in France without a job for a year is kind of crazy. You have kids so it’s different now.

I have done exactly what your husband wants to do, but I wouldn't do it in your position. Not when you don't have a plan or jobs to go to, and you have a young family whose education would be disrupted.

Doing it for a year also seems a bit short sighted. Why a year? You'll barely be getting on your feet by the time you've been there a year and then it'll be time to come home again.

I would also query whether working remotely from France is legal. I have a feeling that if you are working whilst physically in France you are legally considered to be working in France and so your employer would need to be set up as a French employer and paying social security contributions for you etc. It's definitely not as simple as just connecting to the WiFi and working remotely.

Would he be satisfied with living there during in the summer ? He would go May , bit of commuting , kids school holidays , back in September.

To me, that would only work if you had solid plans, jobs waiting for you, all the red tape sorted, schools sorted, kids on board, etc and if that was long term since you cannot easily find a job here.

I wanted to do this but with younger kids so much less disruptive to them but both UK citizens it wasn't going to be easy job wise so we compromised on shorter sabbatical and it was amazing. I did plan it all out though rather than it being a vague dream. Is a shorter trip an option?

There is not a snowball's chance in hell I would even pretend to consider this unless it was something I personally wanted to do. And even then, it would be a no until the you gest child was in university. And even then, only if finances allowed.

I will also guess a year in France won't give him whatever he is looking for, so it would all be for nothing anyway.

We're also in the same situation.. except not france and our kids are not school age yet. I won't be working but we still have a young baby so I'm on maternity leave and husband can work remotely from any where. In your situation; no guaranteed jobs and living off savings, don't speak the language and kids education unheavel, I really wouldn't.

Children speak zero French, the eldest would find it really tough.
french was part of my degree, but I was never fluent, I’m aware of how structured and rigid the French system can be compared to what the kids are used to.
DH has pidgin French, he thinks he’s better than he is but he’s quicker to chat in it than me (introvert v extrovert).
All of the many times he’s talked about going abroad, I’ve told him to put a plan in front of me and I’ll consider it - but he’s never even tried, he says there’s no point as I’m not into it anyway. I am the researcher in the family but yes, there’s a risk he will resent me if I’m the one always saying no, I would like him to find out how difficult it would be himself. He just says kids are adaptable when I talk about the impact on them.

I’m also suffering ennui and a feeling of whether I’m on the right track in life (work really has been head-wrecking over the last 6 months, I’ve been up and down with depression) which is why I think he’s giving it a real push now. I just don’t think it will work. I do have some savings but I want to keep them for kids uni, DH will be well past retirement age by the time youngest is finished and may not even keep working to 65 as his job is quite physical.

No I would say no to that. Your job isn’t worth risking. It probably wouldn’t be that satisfying to move abroad for one year only anyway especially with kids. Maybe there is an alternative like renting the same place in France for all upcoming holidays or something. But don’t throw away your security for a gap year !

Tell the selfish prick to come back to you when he has sorted the kids’ schools and had full buy in from them all.

did I say selfish prick yet ?

You can't be that old if your dc are aged 4-11. Against all advice and proper thinking, why not? If you can afford to fund this 'idea' for a year, even tho you 'jack in your job', it doesn't have to be put all your eggs into the 'fantasy' basket.

As long as you keep a 'home base' to return to, there is a lot to be said for 'you only live once', etc actions. Your dc are ideal ages for a year of 'alternative' education, with the proviso you expect to return to Planet Reality after a year.

Of course, the obvious solution is to wave DH goodbye as he hoofs it away in his tiny little campervan in a France-like direction; and so ends that story no matter what promises are made. Bon voyage ex-amigo basically.

What would be your plan for the children's schooling? Send them to some sort of international school or just stick them in local schools?

French equivalent of year 7 is when it starts to get really quite intense in terms of workload and homework etc. It's pretty tough even for the average French 11 year old. There's honestly no way a non French speaking 11 year old would cope in a mainstream school. It would be different for the 4 year old because they would pick up French very quickly and the French children wouldn't be reading or writing yet anyway.

Children speak zero French, the eldest would find it really tough.

Then you clearly cannot put your 11/12 year old into a French school for a year?!

I can't believe you're even considering this.

Please wait until your children are finished school and are off at Uni!

And just imagine your 12/13 year old coming back after a year and having to re-integrate into year 9/10?!

In all honesty I would give it a go. As the kids don't speak French I'd look for an international school though. Trying to settle into a new school without speaking the native language would be too difficult so an international school would be a must. But otherwise, why not give the adventure a go? Life is so short! Take a chance!