To not want to throw in my job to live in France for a year?

[Puppalicious]

My DH is always complaining about where we live (the weather, the day to day slog) and he is desperate to move (either to the country, or to another country). He has now become absolutely adamant that he wants to move to France for a year “for an adventure”. This would involve me giving up my job, which he says I haven’t been happy in recently. I have been struggling at times recently, because of various factors, and he says I’m obsessed with it do the detriment of my family, it is stressful but ultimately it’s well-paid, senior, my boss is fine and it works ok with my kids given it’s full-time and senior (flexible, short commute, hybrid). It’s far from guaranteed I could find job similar when I come back (could be less well paid, less senior (I like working at this level) or longer and less flexible hours with demanding clients or indeed I could struggle to get a job. He says we could live off our savings but we have 3 kids to put through college, the youngest of whom has just started school and we are not young. At the same time, we only live once and it does feel a bit samey. He is putting me under pressure, but would AIBU to say no?

Do you know how expensive international schools are?

I really dislike the phrase ‘children are adaptable’. I find it’s used by adults to justify not considering the impact of their choices on children. The under threes are adaptable, sure, as they don’t yet make long term memories and don’t have opinions on losing friends or a loved school. Kids of school age (particularly by 11) have friends, teachers, clubs that they love. I know some kids who have been fine with a relocation (although interestingly one that failed in under a year due to redundancy, and the kids couldn’t get back into either of their schools and are now in frankly shit alternatives to where they were).

My kids who are a similar age to yours would be devastated if we took them away from everything for a year and then they couldn’t go back. Things could be fine, but they could also be a childhood defining negative. If it was a permanent move with huge lifestyle upsides and school fees aplenty if it all went tits up, maybe. But as a selfish last hurrah? Let him go travelling and work remotely for a year and join him for holidays, while the rest of you get on with their lives.

Agreed.

Are international schools expensive? I know nothing about them. That’s just confirming for me that it’s a no go for the 11 year old, he’s already too old. He also has a pretty anxious nature as it is and can be socially awkward.
Letting my DH go off abroad by himself also not a runner - I would be burning up with resentment as he would be basically just floating about on a jolly while I run myself into the ground keeping the home fires burning. He would have to be flying back to do jobs (he doesn’t have a job that can be done remotely) and then flying back out - for
what, for fun? He wouldn’t want to go without the kids anyway.

OP, we moved abroad. It's fucking hard. It tests the best of relationships. Your problems do not go away, they are exacerbated.

He sounds immature as fuck and totally selfish. Find a jurisdiction where you all speak the language and can move to permanently.

To take an 11 year old out of school for a year and put him in a French school is the most idiotic and irresponsible thing I've ever heard. International schools are usually 20k or more per year. Doesn't sound like you can afford it.

Are you in a position to let him go off on his grand adventure alone? Maybe just say you go and I will stay home and hold down the fort.

Yep - you’d be looking at about £60k international school fees for three. He’s living in fantasy land. You could possibly put your four year old in French school as it’s just alphabet and counting, but no way could older kids just ‘adapt’ to schooling in French. For a year you need an international school ideally following the curriculum of the country you are in so they don’t effectively miss a year.

I have lived in a few countries for periods of time. It's easy to over romanticise it.

It's mostly just you and the same old shit, but in a different country.

You can’t just go to live in France if you’re a UK citizen. There’s a delightful new rule of (I think, need someone more knowledgeable to come along) 6 weeks which has properly screwed those with holiday/retirement homes there. If you want to live there, you need various steps, including a language test/citizenship thing.

It is a bit more flexible than that. UK citizens (I know the OP said she has an EU passport but I'm just saying this for information) can spend up to 90 in the Schengen area out of 180. France also gives longer length tourist visas for six or 12 months, and these just have a requirement for enough funds and appropriate medical insurance, no language competency or health tests are required for this visa type.

You need to check that you can return to the UK after a year away. You’ll need jobs paying above a set threshold before you arrive.

If you're a UK resident you can be out for two years before it becomes an issue.

I think your husband is crazy and selfish. Uprooting your children (especially your 11yo) to a country where they don't speak the language, undermining your career and the family's financial stability... for what? Because he's a bit bored?! For fuck's sake. He needs to get a grip. He sounds like the kind of person who will never be satisfied. He should see a counsellor or a life coach to help him work out why this is so important to him and consider ways he could meet his needs without trampling all over everyone else's.

I am curious though about what brought both of you to the UK - you say you are EU citizens - and whether you have family in the UK, France or another European country. Do you both see the UK as your "forever home" (or at least the country where your children will complete their schooling) or do you (or he) want to move to your home country at some point? If he wants to make a permanent move then I would imagine it warrants some consideration and discussion. But uprooting everyone for a year at this stage in your career and your children's education? No.

Also consider that if you are living in France and hating it, and the relationship breaks down, you might face a legal battle to be able to move back to the UK with the children.

Not sure where you read this, but it's not accurate. You can spend 90 days in any 180 day period in the Schengen, so that could be six months in a year as long as it's spread out. There are also easily obtainable french visas for 6 months at a time stays (non working), and (less easily obtainable) year long visas if you want to work. No need to apply for citizenship.

EU citizens and EU spouses don't need a visa; if only one of you is an EU citizen, the spouse can also stay, they just need to register their presence within 3 months.

Health care for EU citizens would only be covered to the same extent as French citizens, so OP and all the family would need cover for the uncovered elements.

That’s why I said if you’re a UK citizen, but I think the OP says she has a European passport. Nice clarification, thanks.

I would LOVE to permanently move to France, language test piece of cake as I’m a French teacher, but my Dh won’t have it. 😢

This.

We’re not in the UK, we’re in our English speaking, EU, home country (no prizes for guessing where that is…) Moving to, eg, London, might be a way to scratch his wanderlust and would be much easier from schooling etc perspective (A level system in particular would prob suit eldest better) but don’t think it would really do it for DH. I just have to explain to DH how France really really wouldn’t work for the kids (and I’m guessing Spain would be the same) He talks about how other people have done it, I know one family but that was for more than a year, the DH had a proper job and the wife became a trailing spouse.

What exactly are you giving up your job to do? Ots not clear. Where, when, how, why... children doing what...what about,the house ...how old you fund being in fenice.. what does your dh do ...why France and is there any particular región or is it just "france". Does yor dh work? Is he a planner/experienced in managing things like this .. for children .. ?.how is he proposing u manage for a year and what does he think will happen in 11 months.. ...

I was one of your children a few decades ago OP. It went badly for me, despite all the cries of 'children are resilient'. Of course sometimes children do need to move to a country where they don't speak the language but it's one thing to do this for a specific, clearly explained reason (i.e. move to a specific job) and with a lot of mitigation in place (like an international school where they actually speak the language). Doing this to fulfil a badly defined wanderlust without considering the children's needs and then expecting them to just slot back into life a year or two later is not sensible. I speak from experience when I say that your children will have to put in a lot of effort to learn a new language and culture to the point where they can access the curriculum, and they may not want/be able to adjust back in the blink of an eye whenever your DH gets bored and decides he wants to come home.

I wouldn’t give up a good paying job with flexibility to move to France for a year. No way

Yes they can be. I moved countries as a child. I was a very social extrovert, great at languages. I found friends, liked school and generally fit in. The first year was still pretty awful. Culture shock is very very real.

My brother is an awkward introvert. There is nothing worse than that for moving country. He hated it. Children don't just adapt. Some are slow-approach introverts and they are just unhappy doing things like this.

Three years; you might have two good years. One year; you will just be adapting then home. Terrible idea.

Private schooling in France, including some international schools, can be quite cheap compared to the UK. But I would guess that all the schools which might be both affordable for you and suitable for your 11 year old are likely to be around Paris, with possibly a couple in other major cities.

It's not clear to me what vision your husband has for this year in France. Because living in a picturesque cottage in Provence is going to be a completely different vibe to living in an apartment in the suburb of a major city. The latter is more likely to give you access to international schools, but I suspect it might not resemble your husband's dream very much.

I think moving abroad when kids are that age can be an amazing experience, but not in these conditions. With no clear job prospect, no knowledge of the language, no support network over there, you'll just be miserable the all time. You'll really struggle with renting etc too I think.

If what he wants is an adventure, taking 6-12 months holiday and go travelling (campervan roadtrip or the like) across Europe seems much more interesting for everyone. You need the funds for it though.

Yes come to France for the weather. We've just had literally 6 months of rain every day (possibly 10 days since mid October where it didn't rain all day). Maybe 2 that it didn't rain at all.

It's been a bloody miserable winter. It will be a heatwave soon.

Let him go by himself. You can visit in the holidays.🙂

Don't forget it.

Get paid help whilst he is gone that he pays for.

Hello,
I work in an international school in France. My kids go to state school. Fitting in to the French system would be very difficult - they are not known for their differentiation or adaptation skills here... feel free to pm me if you want to discuss the school system more.