Is this normal?? I fucking hope not

[IamaRevenant]

I had to call the police today about my stbxh. There were various issues but the main one today (well, over the last 10 days) has been him hiding my keys. So I can't leave the flat. I've eaten nothing but shitty white bread.

I called the police because I didn't know what else to do. They very helpfully came around and told me I should sleep in the neighbouring park because my husband is lead tenant. Sleep in the park with a black eye, a nose bleed and no access to housing. Because that wouldn't make people vulnerable at all.

Should there not be a bit more help ffs

OP you say you’re not vulnerable and can look after yourself but you’ve been beaten and locked in the house for ten days?! Not to mention the hospital update from up thread

No

You need the intercom to let someone into the building you need a key to let someone into the flat

I voted YABU because I genuinely hate when people paraphrase things in a dramatic or vague fashion to garner outrage.

While both are bad, there's a huge difference between:

• Police LITERALLY "told me I should sleep in the neighbouring park because my husband is lead tenant"
• A back-and-forth about lack of further recourse, where the listener gathers that that is the IMPLIED solution

Somehow I feel like it's the latter. Again, still awful but qualitatively and quantitatively different in terms of awfulness. Would also require different solutions.

I work in a profession where it's v important to accurately convey what happened – the judgment turns on these details.

I think he just wants the OP gone and his flat back and it's not happening. I'm not condoning the assault in any way.

i assume that she could buzz someone in but if she left her flat she would not be able to get back in because her ex took the key fob.

What I don’t get is why the police didn’t get the key fob from the ex when they arrested him.

Also how did the ex steal the key? Was that after beating her up?

it is just that when you are subjected to dv your whole life becomes about survival and you start to make plans like having an emergency pack (extra money, keys etc) hidden away so that you can make a quick getaway if you need to. Why would someone subjected to dv leave their keys where the perpetrator could get them? One of the things they will want to do is imprison you so that you cannot escape their harm.

Op, I am not doubting you per se, but you sound quite tough and to have your wits about you, so I wonder if you had any of the precautions above in place. I wasn’t tough and didn’t have my wits about me because the assaults left me a wreck but even then I had enough of a survival instinct to try to protect myself in basic ways.

I hope my post does not come across as victim blaming but I am curious. I hope my post will also make any woman in that dangerous situation think about sorting and concealing an emergency Pack in case she needs to make a quick getaway - and make sure the perpetrator has no idea where you have hidden it.

You say you are not vulnerable but of course you are. Don't post this worrying about other people.
Please get yourself safe and stable.

Did they say (after they waiting 90 minutes and arrested him) you couldn’t return to the flat you had no legal right to, and you said where do you expect me to sleep in the park and they could not find you accommodation so you took that as them saying they expect you to sleep in the park…

Posters have put links to local support I hope you manage to find help.

This all seems a bit confusing. Firstly, stop thinking about anyone else and what position they are in.
You have said that you have been abused, so you need to check your rights with Women's aid, then if you won't be able to stop him returning you need to pack up your stuff while he is out of the house and leave. Get off chat forums and into friends and family contacts, start calling to see who will take you in. Once settled, you can do any police follow-up around your abuser as well as lodge any complaints. General online chit-chat can wait.

https://www.bristol.gov.uk/residents/crime-and-emergencies/abuse-and-violence

I have linked to the Bristol City council page about domestic violence. Other links from the page to organisation that can give help including accommodation have also been posted.

Are you sure this is what they said?

and not : advised you that he is the lead tenant so you better move out

and you: where would I go, should I sleep in the park???

also you don’t need to call your mate who is high up in woman’s aid - you are advised to contact them not for matey chat, but contact their line to use their services

Drip feed much. Still if you had physical injuries I thought he would have been arrested.

All you can do is go forward OP.
https://www.avonandsomerset.police.uk/forms/mac
If you are on the tenancy contact your LL for new keys. Call 101 to find out when your partner will be released and any conditions such as not contacting you, not returning to address.
Find somewhere else to live https://www.inhope.uk/our-activities/spring-of-hope/#:~:text=Short%2Dterm%20emergency%20accommodation%20is,Team%20on%2001454%20615%20165%20.
Contact your Crime Commissioner re the police “advice” you were given
https://www.avonandsomerset-pcc.gov.uk/contact/contact-us/ You could also push for prosecution for coercive control.
Also make sure your injuries are recorded and photographed by police , your GP or even A&E.

Sorry Op I’m also confused, did they managed to get the fob off him before he was arrested? Can you start packing up your things? Is there anywhere you can go?
I would complain if you have the energy. I had a similar experience, over 15yrs ago now. The police came, told me it was my word against his. Because of joint ownership told me they couldn’t remove him and left. I didn’t complain because my priority was self preservation and escape plan. Sorry to hear things haven’t improved much since.
(Although I would say that whilst I didn’t leave immediately, I did eventually and my life is so much better as a result).

But you said you WERE able to get out, but couldn't get back in without the fob.

This is the most confusing account I've ever read

Why wait 10 days?
im sure a majority of people would have tried to get help after 24 hours!

Do you have the keys now? Your first post suggested it was still an issue, but the police attempted to confiscate your keys? So do you have them now? Can you get out to get help and food?

I know some people in the force, they should be able to find you based on their records if you need help now?

I don't understand what the police have done wrong here. They waited outside for 90 minutes, arrested the perpetrator, and made sure you were free to leave. They don't have the power to give you a property that isn't yours so you may need to arrange alternative accommodation, but from what you say you are able to do that.

Sadly, I have to agree with this. The cop who took my statement after my DMum committed suicide, frankly should not be out without supervision. I had to correct his SPAG all the time and in the end I refused to sign as the punctuation was so bad, at three points it made the sentence look the opposite of intended. I wrote my own statement and he has to sign to this effect. He kept saying the most inappropriate things and now and again lapsed into an American accent when he was from Birmingham.

In a recent job, we had a break in and I was the last out the previous night so had to give a statement. The cop attended with a special and the special was the brains that day. The builders had left a window open and at one point the cop suggested I broke in through a window only a skinny teen could get through when I am ....well, the opposite of a skinny teen, put it that way! It would have been hilarious in any other setting but worrying that these people have so much power. He was also adamant that I climbed on top of a freezer and exited the same way. I would have looked like Pooh stuck in the doorway of Rabbit's home.

Hm your story drastically changed midway through.

Before this you said "In our flat we have a key fob. Without the fob you can't let yourself into the main gate or our actual block. So I could get out but not back in".

Then, bc PP questioned why you wouldn't just let the police in and the police had to wait for 1.5h, you switched to "I can't get out without the key fob"...

I.m So very sorry OP this is awful and so depressing to read. I'd put a stinking complaint in to the police this is unacceptable. I had the police round 7 years ago and they said oh you'll be much better off divorced but shame you'll lose this house and everything. What a great thing to say to a vulnerable person. I'd love to tell them to fuck off now my ex got nothing in the divorce because I solely owned the house and everything in it.ķ

Are you a joint tenant if so you can request a new fob and keys from the landlord.

My neighbour called the police when I had been beaten by my ex and had visible injuries. They told me to be grateful for what I had (indicating the flat, nice things, etc).