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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Is this normal?? I fucking hope not

146 replies

IamaRevenant · 06/04/2024 00:15

I had to call the police today about my stbxh. There were various issues but the main one today (well, over the last 10 days) has been him hiding my keys. So I can't leave the flat. I've eaten nothing but shitty white bread.

I called the police because I didn't know what else to do. They very helpfully came around and told me I should sleep in the neighbouring park because my husband is lead tenant. Sleep in the park with a black eye, a nose bleed and no access to housing. Because that wouldn't make people vulnerable at all.

Should there not be a bit more help ffs

OP posts:
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5
FindingMeno · 06/04/2024 05:58

Why does this not surprise me?
I am so sorry op.
I hope you get help from an organisation that gives a shit about women.

cryinglaughing · 06/04/2024 06:00

You say "you can look after me", so why haven't you?

If you can get out, pack up some essentials and get out.

5YearsLeft · 06/04/2024 06:13

IamaRevenant · 06/04/2024 02:15

Nice stalking.

I got released from hospital several weeks ago. There's not a huge amount to do when in hospital or sitting at home all day but scroll the Internet. Apologies for my banal posts.

@IamaRevenant , I also read your hospital thread but it’s not because I’m stalking.

Your hospital visit is extremely relevant. You state that it was for psychiatric reasons, that you hear voices, that you believe you have maybe schizophrenia or disordered thinking. The only doctor you say you ever found “helpful” told you that you had psychosis, and possibly dual personalities. Coming out of a hospital visit that you feel didn’t help you at all, you would have been so incredibly vulnerable, and this whole situation sounds like a nightmare.

With what you’re saying, and the timeline from MN, you got out of the hospital and then immediately got locked in this house or flat. I think you may not realize that you’re trying to tell the story in a linear manner but contradicting yourself (like saying you could get out but not back in, and later saying you were locked in - if this was over 10 days, maybe it was both at different periods?) And unfortunately, I have no idea why your stbxh would pressure the police to make you give up your keys unless 1. He was claiming he didn’t assault you and he was quite angry (not uncommon with domestic violence but the police shouldn’t have listened) and/or 2. He was claiming you weren’t a tenant of the flat at all (is this possible? Do you normally live somewhere else?). I don’t think any of us can know for sure, since we weren’t there.

I think if you just lay it out as a timeline (doesn’t need to be all ten days), it might help you feel like you aren’t going in circles, and you might need to anyway, as a sort of straight forward explanation if the police decide to charge him with domestic violence. YOU DO NOT NEED TO SHARE THIS WITH THE THREAD - I’m saying this is just something that could benefit you, if you feel like things are starting to get circular, or people (officials, not MN posters) are telling you they don’t understand. Like, “I left the hospital. I returned to (our flat? His flat? Do you have any other housing?). Once I was there, he hid the keys from me, saying it was because (why?). Then he (left? Went to work? Went to another section of the house?). When he came back, (what happened? Maybe you fought with him about him locking you in, but you were too afraid of him to leave? Did anything change day to day?). Then on day (which one?), he assaulted me (you don’t need to detail this - I’m sure it’s traumatic enough). This made me realize (you had to call the police? You had to get out somehow?).”

Maybe none of this helps you. I understand you say this is about pointing out how awful the police were to you so that other people aren’t victims of the same police mentality, but you’ve been a victim of violence, you’re already vulnerable - you both need and deserve support too, OP.

I wish you the very best of luck, and I hope it all gets sorted out, and you find a safe place.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 06/04/2024 06:21

@WalkingaroundJardine of course that can be the case in some houses, but I was saying that I've never come across that in the main entrance to a block of flats.

I think the post from @5YearsLeft puts a different spin on this anyway.

Sparklfairy · 06/04/2024 06:21

OP ignore the ignorant posters. It astonishes me how if anything (like a door) works just slightly differently to their own, they call bullshit Hmm

I can well believe this happened to you. Years ago I was attacked by an online date. I got away and called the police. The (female) police officer scoffed and said, 'If you really had been attacked, you'd have marks on your wrists'...

I did actually complain, and got a judicial review. I ended up using a solicitor though. I was so furious that other more vulnerable victims could have been more affected by that officer than me. DM if you want the law firm, they're based in London and I'm not (neither were the police) and it didn't matter, they were fab.

Devonbabs · 06/04/2024 06:45

WTAF? My DH is in the police. If you had stated to them you had been assaulted and were injured ancd were cooperative with them pressing charges he would have arrested the guy.

Do you have a legal right to stayin the property? If you hadn’t he would have asked you if they could take you somewhere safe. A relative.friend or shelter. This is standard in his force! I take it this isn’t what happened? Did they suggest anywhere else apart from the park? Presumably they were wearing body cams?

LakieLady · 06/04/2024 06:47

Where I live, the police bail DV perpetrators and make it a bail condition that they do not go within a certain distance of the shared home. Then, if they do return, they can be re-arrested and aren't allowed bail because of the earlier breach of the bail conditions.

Concurrently, they have specialist staff who support the victim, together with Women's Aid or similar, to get alternative accommodation, eg refuge or emergency housing through the council.

They've been doing this for years, and I thought this was common practice nowadays. If this isn't happening in Bristol, Avon and Somerset police need a kick up the arse and some formal complaints so they're forced to get their act together.

LAMPS1 · 06/04/2024 06:52

Your partner has beaten you, and has had you locked in, as a prisoner, for ten days with only bread to eat. YANBU to have called the police to free you and to arrest him for false imprisonment and violence. And YANBU to have expected help from them, especially if you were at risk of further harm.

The police are BU for telling you to sleep in the park. That’s shocking. But why didn’t they simply hand his key fob to you if you can prove you also live there ?
Why did they tell you to sleep in the park when you could sleep safely without risk from him, in your own bed ? I’m confused at that. Did they refuse to give you his key fob ?

A lot of other little niggly questions to understand your exact plight properly OP. I’m not surprised a few other posters have concerns too.

You have been the victim of physical abuse and yet appear not to see yourself as a victim (you say you can sort yourself out ) so maybe the police didn’t see you as a victim either ?
When you make your complaint to them, be sure to give full context to the whole story. The hidden key fob part is hard to understand as is the fact that you were starving and imprisoned for ten days before calling for help from anybody when you are clearly a strong character, well able to advocate for yourself.

I hope you slept safely in your own proper bed last night and I hope that your partner is indeed now your ex. Wishing you well. I hope you can remain free of him.

KickHimInTheCrotch · 06/04/2024 06:53

Where I live, the police bail DV perpetrators and make it a bail condition that they do not go within a certain distance of the shared home

This happens in Avon and Somerset as well but if the perpetrator has the tenancy and the victim does not formally have any right to the property they will drop her off at the council to request emergency housing (which may or nay not be offered) so the perpetrator can return to his home on bail.

Workhardcryharder · 06/04/2024 06:56

Concannon88 · 06/04/2024 00:58

Why? Police are thick as fuck

Not as thick as this comment

Jk8 · 06/04/2024 07:18

@IamaRevenant Sorry nothing to add here but I bloody love your honesty & strength here for naming the bastard police force & trying to make your situation better

Can't wait for you to have such a better life & wish you the best of luck.!

femfemlicious · 06/04/2024 07:21

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gamerchick · 06/04/2024 07:24

Did the conversation go more they told you that you need to find somewhere safe to sleep and you got indignant and suggested the park then? That makes more sense.

Mamma1982 · 06/04/2024 07:26

You need to insist they do a DVPO. Domestic Violence Protection Order. They can do this whilst he's being investigated for your assault. You absolutely do not have to leave!!! They can make him leave even if he's the lead tenant. Make a complaint ASAP. Insist they take this like if action along with any other investigation they are doing. They can do the two together. This is very important. Act now so you can be protected. Expecting you to sleep in a park is ridiculous. I've never heard officers be so unprofessional to suggest that.

ASighMadeOfStone · 06/04/2024 07:26

Well, given that the police force in question has been named and shamed, the papers might well pick up this story.
Here's hoping...

femfemlicious · 06/04/2024 07:30

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Livelovebehappy · 06/04/2024 07:34

LakieLady · 06/04/2024 06:47

Where I live, the police bail DV perpetrators and make it a bail condition that they do not go within a certain distance of the shared home. Then, if they do return, they can be re-arrested and aren't allowed bail because of the earlier breach of the bail conditions.

Concurrently, they have specialist staff who support the victim, together with Women's Aid or similar, to get alternative accommodation, eg refuge or emergency housing through the council.

They've been doing this for years, and I thought this was common practice nowadays. If this isn't happening in Bristol, Avon and Somerset police need a kick up the arse and some formal complaints so they're forced to get their act together.

We don’t really know if this is a shared home though. We do know the tenancy is under the sole name of her bf, and I’m guessing if rented, the police would need to get the permission from the landlord to throw out the registered tenant and let the none tenant remain there?

TheBookAccordingtoIsaac · 06/04/2024 07:35

OP - you need to ignore the extremely unhelpful MNs on here, dont waste your time responding to people who clearly can't wrap their minds around something that's not like their homes and are purposely being difficult.

I lived in a block of flats in Greenwich and it was like yours.

I'd also make a complaint about those officers after you've gotten yourself safe.

Good luck x

DoreenonTill8 · 06/04/2024 07:38

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This why wasn't she your first point of contact?

FUPAgirl · 06/04/2024 07:40

This is all very jumbled and odd. OP I hope you're using this window to make your mistake. I don't why you brought up your friend in woman's aid given she's in hospital - just contact them yourself on their office number. You need to get out.

willWillSmithsmith · 06/04/2024 07:40

IamaRevenant · 06/04/2024 00:34

Bristol. Seriously thinking of making a complaint.

I’ve been watching a documentary on the Bristol police (Avon and Somerset?) and it seems there is a lot of incompetence there.

Who on earth is voting you are being U?

KickHimInTheCrotch · 06/04/2024 07:45

willWillSmithsmith · 06/04/2024 07:40

I’ve been watching a documentary on the Bristol police (Avon and Somerset?) and it seems there is a lot of incompetence there.

Who on earth is voting you are being U?

That documentary (to catch a copper) could have been made anywhere. Avon and Somerset Police may have plenty of dodgy officers but so does everywhere else. The location is irrelevant- the rules, training and culture of police is the same everywhere.

Definitely make a complaint OP. They will have recorded their actions on BWV so it will be plain to see what was said.

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 06/04/2024 07:46

Has he been at home too and withholding food from you? Has he only been eating 'shitty white bread' also?

Tereseta · 06/04/2024 07:47

I'm guessing they had to tell you to leave as you are not named on the tenancy. Do you have somewhere to go?
The comment about sleeping in the park has unbelievable though, I would complain about that.

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