I don't want to be tracked by my husband's ex-wife

[gotellitonthemountain]

My stepdaughter has just got her first phone. Her mum has put a tracking app on it, which my husband also has access to.

I just don't feel comfortable thinking of SDD's mum following our every move on the days she is with us.

AIBU?

As a parent who’s teen went off the rails, eventually going missing regularly, no it doesn’t ‘keep’ them safe, but can definitely reassure you they are safe. But, as I’m sure most teens would if they were doing something they shouldn’t, mine very quickly learnt to turn data off so it wouldn’t update, and eventually just turned find my iPhone off and I no longer had access to the phone to turn it back on.
My youngest has just got a phone at 12 and has it, but doesn’t yet really go anywhere alone. I’m hoping to be able to leave it on there as long as possible but I expect big push back from them soon as they’re big on privacy and asd so very black and white thinking around such matters.

Thanks everyone. It's been very helpful reading all your comments 😊.

Sorry keeping someone else's child safe should never involve affecting someone else's rights or privacy though, how would you feel about your partners ex tracking your every move 🤷‍♀️ there's no need for mum to track her daughter when she's with her father, she's safe and if mum has concerns she's not there are more appropriate steps she should take.

So a mum tracks all is fine, if a ex male partner tried to put a tracking device on their child's phone there is no way this would be considered acceptable, I think the thought of anyone tracking children is creepy

And no my teenager is not tracked by anyone

But the expensive phone does.

We actually got DD’s stolen phone back because of the tracker. The thief couldn’t turn it off and it gave a on the dot location, 25 thief house. Was stolen from inside the teachers desk at that too, so wasn’t even child shouldn’t have it at school it’s allowed as long as handed in. Gave the school the address too and they could pin point the pupil for sanctions of stealing on school property.

Cops where useless and said can you go knock and get it back 😂

Saved us the money of a new phone.

I think you're talking about the black mirror episode where the mum could see what the kid could see and it blurred anything the parent decided they didn't want to kid to see. Fucked up.

I think being able to pinpoint your kids every move and just pick them up wherever they get lost isn't the positive people seem to think it is. When I got lost when I was a kid or got on the wrong bus I'd retrace my steps, ask for directions and worked out how to get to where I needed to be. Swooping in and picking up your kids takes away from them being able to build the skills that will help them navigate their way through life as adults.

If you think your kid's not going to switch off the tracking if they're doing something they shouldn't then you're very naive. And I'm pretty sure most kidnappers would launch the kids phone given how common tracking seems to be.

It's also naive to think that all parents are only concerned about their kids safety and have no interest in intruding on the step parents life. Many posters will have no idea what it's like to have someone's ex in some way having control over your life. When you already have to run holidays past her before you book, ask permission for the child to attend a family party, have the routines in your home reported back, have her stare through your windows at every pick up, comment on the washing detergent you use, yes having her know where you are at any given moment does seem like a big deal.

No idea tbh but was easier for my sis to go grab him and his friend and drop them to the game. No stress so happy days 😁.

The tracker can be switched off and it's not unreasonable to ask for it to be switched off whilst she's in your home.

My ex uses Life360 to track our (older teen) DC and I'm definitely not happy for them to keep it switched on whilst they are with me, but then again there's a history of domestic violence and a restraining order also in play in my case.

You would consider you (her mother) tracking your daughter's phone as 'creepy'? That's a worrying statement for you to make tbh...

Neurotic?

But the mum shouldn't be able to track the whereabouts of dad and stepmum because it could save her money on a new phone. That's what phone insurance is for.

@letstrythatagain "You would consider you (her mother) tracking your daughter's phone as 'creepy'? That's a worrying statement for you to make tbh..."

I don't think creepy is quite the right word. But yes-I too think it's "creepy adjacent" unless there is a specific reason.

@WandaWonder each to their own eh! 😃

Fair enough. That's you. I'm happy knowing my daughter is safe and she's happy to have it switched on so all good.

How does tracking someone ensure they are safe? Anything could happen to their phone doesn't keep anyone safe

@letstrythatagain How does tracking her keep her safe? I've already explained why I think it actually does the complete opposite.

I have 2 teen daughters they are both linked to my find my iPhone, in fact as a family we all have access to each others location. We initially put them on when going to a music festival, we wanted the girls to be able to move around stages but also wanted to be able to find each other easily (knowing how loud it was making phones calls/
hearing text notifications etc difficult. We have kept them on as we find it really useful for many reasons:

I horse ride alone I dog walk alone if something happens I am easily found, we have used it when I slipped on ice miles from home and unable to easily describe where I was, husband could see where I am

husband mountain bikes alone so again great safety feature

school called me one day to say child 2 wasn’t in school why not, child didn’t answer phone but I could easily see that child was in school and the school just made an error, she makes her own way to school so saved me A panic as could see immediately she was there

child 1 called and said can I pick her up then he phone died before she could say where from, just had to find her phone to see where she was when it died

I personally think it’s a brilliant safety feature and wouldn’t be without it. Her mum has a very valid reason to install it, tracking your movements is unlikely to be one of them

on a light hearted note if me or DH are travelling the other always keeps an eye on their arrival home - it’s become a bit of a thing now as one of us walks through the door the other is standing with a smile and a cuppa to walk into . I am out walking the dogs right now a little hungover, my husband will time a nice bacon sarnie for my arrival home

I don't think you said what age she was?
If she is going out alone while with you, then I'd suggest she has it on, if she is with you/step dad she could switch off phone/leave it at home.

I'd be tempted to take it some weird places (maybe leave it behind a bar for the afternoon) and see if step mum comments.

On the flipside, this also means your DH can track his ex, do you think that would/should bother her?

But she can't. How does she know if the dad and/or step mum are with the daughter if she checks the location?

This is a really good point. I'm very anti tracking but see how this gives you so much extra security and your child freedom.

It would have been helpful of OP had included her SD’s age, because she could be 9 or she could be 16 and there’s a difference but it appears she’s cleared off

I don't think OP has said what age the child is. If she's young then it's likely that she wouldn't be going far without her dad and SM.

How old is she? I've got to say I'd feel little uncomfortable too. Especially if there is any back story of mum being difficult. DSSs mum used to facetime and he'd walk around the house with her which felt like an intrusion.
3 options
Leave the phone at your house when you go out.
Take the phone but put it on airplane mode outside the house.
Buy a second phone and ask that mum's doesn't come with, or turn it off.

This.