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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like Grandad should step up

128 replies

Trufflebutter24 · 05/04/2024 09:25

My DH dad makes little effort with his grandchildren and has probably taken them out twice in their 6 and 3 years.
He’s been off all week and as it’s half term I suggested he may want to come over and see them today.
he’s left it completely up to me to decide times/ what we do, which maybe he thinks is being helpful and laidback I don’t know.
he’s coming over at midday and my house is a complete dump, which is overwhelmingly me to no end. AIBU to suggest he takes kids to the local park by himself for an hour?
I don’t know if it’s wrong to assume grandparents want to see their GC. My DH mum and my dad are consistently involved in their lives but he’s just AWOL. Not sure if it’s a case of me having unrealistic expectations though.

OP posts:
Bluevelvetsofa · 05/04/2024 09:27

Is it your intention to sort out the house whilst he takes the children to the park?

HeddaGarbled · 05/04/2024 09:27

You can’t invite someone to visit and then use them as free childcare unless they offer.

LittleGreenDragons · 05/04/2024 09:28

AIBU to suggest he takes kids to the local park by himself for an hour?
Depends on whether he sees them weekly and knows/remembers how to parent, or whether its annually. You can ask, but don't expect a yes.

Purplecatshopaholic · 05/04/2024 09:29

So you are going to invite him over, then not actually spend time with him yourself, just use him to watch the kids while you do housework? If he hasn’t offered, this is just cheeky frankly.

Bigearringsbigsmile · 05/04/2024 09:29

How old is he?

MojoMoon · 05/04/2024 09:29

Yes, it is wrong to assume all grandparents want to see their grandchildren regularly. Or want to take care of them without their parents being there.

Some people just don't want to do that. Perhaps they don't really enjoy the small child stage (he also may be from a generation where he barely looked after his own children alone at that age). Maybe he is happy and busy doing other things in his life.

People are all different - just because other grandparents want to does not mean he has to.
He has shown little interest so far so why expect this to change?

Original poster
Trufflebutter24 · 05/04/2024 09:29

Yeah totally fair point, I don’t expect “free childcare”, my expectation is that he would have more desire than he does to spend time with them. If I hadn’t invited him over then we wouldn’t see him today. I just find it odd!

OP posts:
Original poster
Trufflebutter24 · 05/04/2024 09:30

In his 50’s

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 05/04/2024 09:30

I think the issue is you don't expect him to just come and see them, which is fairly standard, but to provide you with childcare. It doesn't sound like he wants to be childcare. You can ask. He can say no.

How often does he visit / do you(DP) visit him?

CraftyBum · 05/04/2024 09:31

When did you last visit him?

WhiteLeopard · 05/04/2024 09:31

I think it's fine to suggest that, but make it clear he can say no! Sadly not all grandparents really want to spend time with their grandchildren. I think a 3yo and a 6yo could be quite stressful for him.

Original poster
Trufflebutter24 · 05/04/2024 09:32

He’s going through a break up and still living with his ex so his place has been out of bounds. Plus he has a dog that’s tried to bite our DS so we feel a bit uncomfortable going there.

OP posts:
bumbledeedum · 05/04/2024 09:33

In my experience grandparents are either interested and actively want to see their grandchildren or they don't. There's no point getting frustrated/trying to change their minds, they won't. He's made it very obvious he's not that bothered so I don't think you can try and force him into being actively involved. Certainly doesn't sound like he has enough of a relationship to take them out solo.

NorthernMouse · 05/04/2024 09:33

Suggest he takes them to the park (if he can cope with the 3 year old?) because they will hopefully all enjoy it and you’ll get some time to catch up.

But I think you also have to manage your expectations. You can’t force a relationship on someone. How other grandparents are is irrelevant, even if it makes you sad. All you can do is keep the doors open for the relationships to develop over time. He might be great with them when they’re older. My own dad died when I was pregnant with DC1. I think he would have loved them as babies, kept away from them as toddlers and pre schoolers, but would have had shared interests now with DC1 who is a teenager. In fact that’s much as I saw him interacting with my siblings!

What was your dad’s role in the family when you were young? Was he a fun dad taking you out on adventures, or was he at work in the week and relaxing at the weekend?

Tdcp · 05/04/2024 09:33

Some people just don't like looking after their grandkids, it's not great but I do think it's unreasonable to invite him over and then palm the kids off on him, if you need a sitter just ask him outright and give him the chance to decline. At least you do have parents that are involved, many of us have no one.

Nospecialcharactersplease · 05/04/2024 09:33

Whats driving this? If it’s about you being overwhelmed, that’s totally understandable but you need to recognise it openly and ask for help. ‘Grandad, I’m totally overwhelmed, do you think you could please take the kids to the park for an hour and I can try to get on top of the house?’

If it’s about you wanting him to be someone different with a different level of input, then you need to back off. It’s for him to decide what makes him content, not you.

MojoMoon · 05/04/2024 09:34

What was he like as a father? Was he a hands on dad, regularly taking care of his small children alone? Was he emotionally accessible and keen to spend time with his own children as they grow up? Did he suggest activities, go out of his way to find ways to build bonds with his own children? Does he have a close relationship with his adult children now?

There are plenty of dads who barely spend any time with their children alone or take them out. If he wasn't the sort of father who did that, it is unlikely he will be the sort of grandfather who does.

Small children are quite tedious.....even if they are related to you!

Bluevelvetsofa · 05/04/2024 09:35

You invited him over to see his grandchildren, he was flexible to fit in with what suited you. Why didn’t you choose a time when you’d tidied up or done what was required to make the house less of a dump?

Perhaps he simply waits for you to suggest a meeting. Maybe he doesn’t want to seem pushy. Have you spoken to your DH about the reasons for not seeing you as often as your own parents?

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 05/04/2024 09:40

My mum has a very close bond with my dd but I could probably count on the fingers of one hand how many times she's looked after her totally on her own. Don't conflate having a relationship with childcare.

Floatlikeafeather2 · 05/04/2024 09:42

Trufflebutter24 · 05/04/2024 09:29

Yeah totally fair point, I don’t expect “free childcare”, my expectation is that he would have more desire than he does to spend time with them. If I hadn’t invited him over then we wouldn’t see him today. I just find it odd!

You decided to have children; he didn't decide to have grandchildren. There's nothing odd about him not wanting to be more involved any more than people choosing not to have children at all is odd. If you are stressed about your messy house, why did you invite him at all if it wasn't for childcare? Have you asked your husband how hands on he was as a father?

Original poster
Trufflebutter24 · 05/04/2024 09:44

to answer some of your questions
he was a very hands on dad when the children were young, according to MIL. He often talks about it being the best time of his life.
when him and MIL split he apparently massively stepped away, seeing DH very infrequently.

i think if I’m being honest, I’m annoyed with my shit tip home and projecting some annoyance on to this unrelated topic 😂 but I think his lack of effort has always been strange for me, even with his own kids. He goes weeks and weeks without speaking to them. Maybe I’m spoilt, I lost my mum when I was younger but my dad messages me most days! Different strokes I guess

OP posts:
Original poster
Trufflebutter24 · 05/04/2024 09:46

Floatlikeafeather2 · 05/04/2024 09:42

You decided to have children; he didn't decide to have grandchildren. There's nothing odd about him not wanting to be more involved any more than people choosing not to have children at all is odd. If you are stressed about your messy house, why did you invite him at all if it wasn't for childcare? Have you asked your husband how hands on he was as a father?

Show quote history

I don’t think anyone decides to have grandchildren do they?

OP posts:
Allofaflutter · 05/04/2024 09:51

I find grandparents who don’t seem bothered as a strange. I can’t understand them at all. My kids have a set of grandparents who put zero effect in and we saw them twice a year at the most. No contact in between with my kids but insisted on seeing my then dh every week. My kids were 7 or 8 before they really knew who they were. But when we did go on the twice a year visits, they would act the doting grandparents when the neighbours came around but ignored them otherwise. The acting was amazing. Now my grown up kids put in the same effort they did to see them and haven’t had contact in 10 years now. Yet my parents they see almost daily, because my parents were very involved grandparents.

Iwasafool · 05/04/2024 09:52

Trufflebutter24 · 05/04/2024 09:44

to answer some of your questions
he was a very hands on dad when the children were young, according to MIL. He often talks about it being the best time of his life.
when him and MIL split he apparently massively stepped away, seeing DH very infrequently.

i think if I’m being honest, I’m annoyed with my shit tip home and projecting some annoyance on to this unrelated topic 😂 but I think his lack of effort has always been strange for me, even with his own kids. He goes weeks and weeks without speaking to them. Maybe I’m spoilt, I lost my mum when I was younger but my dad messages me most days! Different strokes I guess

I like your honesty. I'm sitting here wasting time and my house is also a tip, I've had GC staying in Easter holidays but hey the mess will be there tomorrow when I've had a break and have more energy.

People vary, I'm a very hands on grandmother and love my time with GC, I sometimes feel a bit guilty that I do more with them than I did with their parents but I was working and doing it fulltime while being a gran is more fun as I'm retired with lots of time and if I'm tired or have other things to do I can hand them back but I know people who feel very differently. So your FIL is probably one of the ones who doesn't want to do it all again. Nothing wrong with making the suggestion, "do you fancy taking them down to the park for an hour, I'll get some tidying up done and sort out tea for us." Just be prepared that he might not feel confident about coping with them if he is out of practice.

Bluevelvetsofa · 05/04/2024 09:53

The issue here is that you’re fed up with the state your house is in. You have the sort of relationship where you’re in contact daily, with your family. Your DH’s family have a different relationship. Some people might find it smothering to be in such regular contact. Some find it strange to have little regular contact.

Neither is right or wrong. You can’t make him behave in the way you have decided is what you want.