To feel like Grandad should step up

[Trufflebutter24]

My DH dad makes little effort with his grandchildren and has probably taken them out twice in their 6 and 3 years.
He’s been off all week and as it’s half term I suggested he may want to come over and see them today.
he’s left it completely up to me to decide times/ what we do, which maybe he thinks is being helpful and laidback I don’t know.
he’s coming over at midday and my house is a complete dump, which is overwhelmingly me to no end. AIBU to suggest he takes kids to the local park by himself for an hour?
I don’t know if it’s wrong to assume grandparents want to see their GC. My DH mum and my dad are consistently involved in their lives but he’s just AWOL. Not sure if it’s a case of me having unrealistic expectations though.

I think if you want his help you'll have to phrase it MUCH better than you have your OP

I think it's a bit like dating - 'if he wants to, he will'. The fact that he doesn't come over very often or seem interested is probably because he isn't. That's tough to accept but it doesn't mean he dislikes you or the children, some people just don't have involved relationships like that. The fact that he's related by blood doesn't change that.

He may be waiting for an invite as he doesn't want to impose on you. He may not feel confident looking after 2 small children on his own if it's a long time since his own children were that small. Can't you go to the park with him and the kids and have lunch somewhere or a picnic?

You can't invite someone to your house then complain a) that your house is dirty and b) that they haven't dictated what activities what they'll do.

YABU and have unrealistic expectations. I agree you can’t expect him to come over to be with the children and then dictate what he does because your house isn’t tidy enough.

Why? They aren't his kids, he didn't decide to have them. It's great when GP want to be involved but some people aren't that bothered.

Tbh you sound a bit entitled, come over Dad and see my children, take them out so I can sort my house out. Don't think I'd be rushing to see you either.

He doesn't have to but I agree with some of the other posters that it's a shame some grandparents are so uninterested.

We had uninterested grandparents on both sides unfortunately. Both grandmothers had banged on and on ever since our wedding about how desperate they were for grandchildren. My MIL was a very selfish woman so I shouldn't have been surprised. She would demand we brought the baby over if her friends were round so she could show off for 10 mins but zero interest otherwise.

My mum really shocked me though. We spent loads of time with our grandparents when we were young, a week at a time in the holidays. My dad worked long hours and we'd go and stay with GPs so mum could go away with a friend on holiday etc. She was really proud of the relationship we had with them. Stupidly I assumed she would want to be a similar sort of GP but nope! Our eldest is 19 and stayed overnight with them a total of 4 nights his whole life. Two of them I had to beg for as I was desperate. I stopped asking after that. Our younger child has never stayed with them.

It's not unreasonable to feel disappointed, even if it would be unreasonable to voice it. I have lots of friends with very involved grandparents who talk about how they "couldn't cope" without their date nights and child free weekend breaks when the grandparents have the kids. While I grit my teeth and think "that's nice".

Thanks for all your comments. Grandad came round, offered to take the kids to the park which I declined after all the messages on today’s thread 😂 we had a nice time and he’s thoroughly enjoyed playing with the kids. It’s always lovely when he’s here which makes it harder to understand why we don’t see him much. Maybe it’s my expectation but also maybe I need to be more forthcoming with inviting him over. Thank you for the replies

Great outcome OP.
I hope the nice day gives you the happy vibes to help with house tidying up! Just about to start mine now.

Glad you had a good time! Do you think he doesn't feel comfortable inviting himself round? It's always different when it's your in laws rather than your parents, your parents will have an unwritten standing invitation where they feel welcome whenever they like (I assume), but maybe because he and DH aren't very close he doesn't feel like that?

It's not anyone's fault as such, but if his house is out of bounds, he can't invite you there so maybe he just waits for you to invite him, which makes you feel like you're doing the asking all the time.

Just invite him round every so often, especially if he loves playing with the kids, I find there's two different types of guests at our house, ones that want to talk to you and ignore the kids, and ones that want to muck in with whatever the kids are doing.. if he's the latter then I'd be inviting him round every week!

I no longer facilitate visits from disinterested grandparents. It's extra work for me, just so they can tell their friends they were in the general vicinity of their grandkids for a while (ie. grandparents of the century). It's not worth it.

Firstly its END of term holidays not HALF term. New term starts after these holidays
If you need to have time to get your house in order and want peace and quite, you need to arrange a babysitter and be upfront with what's expected, that may involve giving money to bring them to playzone etc. Maybe your father wants to see you as well when comes over or might need you as reassurance there in the background to ensure he doing things right

I never fail to be surprised by grandparents.
As for myself, my mums parents would love to have been more involved, but lived a 2.5h drive away, and my grandma had terminal cancer for quite a few years. They were however, very involved with my cousins who lived close by them.
My dads parents weren't particularly interested. My dad was a "later in life surprise child", so they were fairly old by the time we were out of our baby/toddler years. Always very kind, loving and interested when we did see them, but considering they were only an hour down the motorway, we barely saw them more than once a year.

I came into my own parenting journey with low expectations! Both sets of parents very interested in the childrens lives, but both sets live a good 2 hours away.

Who cares

But you have no basis for that expectation. If he had a desire to spend more time with your children then he would. He doesn't.

I do cause its the wrong use of language and therefore needs to be corrected
There was a full thread about this recently
Its like saying 2+2 = 6 - its wrong

Some men don't feel comfortable caring for children alone. Especially little girls if they need help using the toilet.

No. My in laws have never had the kids and I never expect them to. If you want to see him have him come for a visit (or go to his) but he's not a childminder.

@Trufflebutter24 The older I get, the more I feel honesty works. If I'd seen your post in time, I 'd have suggested telling him what you told us.

This: that you need time to sort out the house, and you know he used to be really good with kids. You'd love it if he could take them off to the park for a run about for an hour or two.

Tell him what they like to do: swings, to look at the ducks, to play hide and seek - whatever, so he has some structure. Rules: whatever yours are -If they want an ice cream, get them milk lollies, hold adults' hands crossing roads. Toilets (or wild wees...)

As a grandparent, I like to be useful when I visit!

I think that was very much the point @Floatlikeafeather2 was making!

You are very pedantic for someone incapable of using apostrophes or full stops!

Now that I've seen your last post, I think you should INVITE him regularly. (Esp as his home life not much fun at the moment.) Find out if there's a day or time that wd suit you both. And tell him it's because the children really enjoyed playing with him! We all respond well to praise.

If he offers to take them to the park, explain you'd like to go with him the first time- just so he knows where things are and what the children like to do. ( It's not always easy for adults to understand what little voices around waist level are saying.)

You say they had a great time playing together. You can add something to everyone's lives by involving him more. I think you can and should expect him to be - but you have to let him know you want that.

Xxx

apologies typing quickly so missed that!!!!

Women for the most part are surrounded by children, coffee dates might include a toddler and grandmothers may have worked within childcare setting during their lifetime.

Men on the hand have limited time with children. Unless they're in their home/the one they visit. This means they have had less practice at age appropriate expectations for activities and sleep schedules etc.

Assuming a 50 year old male would walk round your home, see it's in a mess and think "I know, I'll take this 3 and 6 year old out to xyz!" Is very unlikely. If you went to a male orientated area, would you not feel out of your depth?

How would he know if out with his grandchildren what to do if one said I need a wee? Would he panic and send one into a public toilet without them? Would he know how to manage tears, tantrums and more importantly would your children be happy for a man who has met them a handful of times to take them away from their care giver for any length of time?

You're setting him up to fail and seem to be quite naive.

Why can't you go to the park with him and the kids? Am I missing something.