To feel like Grandad should step up

[Trufflebutter24]

My DH dad makes little effort with his grandchildren and has probably taken them out twice in their 6 and 3 years.
He’s been off all week and as it’s half term I suggested he may want to come over and see them today.
he’s left it completely up to me to decide times/ what we do, which maybe he thinks is being helpful and laidback I don’t know.
he’s coming over at midday and my house is a complete dump, which is overwhelmingly me to no end. AIBU to suggest he takes kids to the local park by himself for an hour?
I don’t know if it’s wrong to assume grandparents want to see their GC. My DH mum and my dad are consistently involved in their lives but he’s just AWOL. Not sure if it’s a case of me having unrealistic expectations though.

TBH, you can't expect anyone to WANT to look after a 3 year old and a 6 year old on their week off from work.

I wouldn't want to do it personally and I'm only 38. That stage of my life (of looking after young kids) is behind me. I'd do it as a one off every now and again, but not unless someone specifically asked me.

You certainly cant expect someone to come and visit and then spring it on him that you want him to take the kids to the park. What wouldve been wiser is to ask him beforehand whether he'd do it.

In his 50's so young enough to be their parent then, yes lazy and uninterested.

Huge difference between doing a favour for a friend and your own grandchildren.

Atrocious grammar for such a pedant...

@DragonFly98 I don't see it that way tbh. My parents and in laws lived miles away when my 2 were young, I stayed at home looking after them for 10 years etc.

One set of my own grandparents were in another country and the other were 2 mins down the road. They'd occasionally take us on day trips and that was it. My nan (mums MIL) would have laughed in my mums face if she'd asked her to take us to the park so she could clean.

I don't have an expectation that people will want to look after grandkids (even for a short time) because having looked after my own kids FT, it's tiring! I come from a long line of SAHMs though... so once they've done it once, they don't particularly want to do it again.

Thank you for all of your replies.
I think the park thing was probably a more emotionally driven thing because at the time of posting, I had already unpacked and cleaned an exploding bin and dealt with various fights so was looking around the place feeling angry and yes maybe a bit entitled to some degree in my expectation for grandad to save the day.

he’s the kind of grandad that when he’s here, he’s so great. He was a very hands on dad according to MIL, but he did have an affair… and they split and then things went a bit downhill.

he’s quite uninvolved in his DC lives, one who is frequently bringing problems to DMIL doorstep, illegal things which I won’t elaborate on, grandad doesn’t get involved. Which is painful to see.

hes just a tough one to workout, he will go literal weeks without seeing grandchildren but when he’s with them, you couldn’t ask for a more hands on person. Like I said, when my DH was young, he did loads with all the kids, and was very involved.

his home life isn’t great but he has already moved on, so whilst I felt great empathy for him, I know he’s a lot happier now.

I have learnt from this post that grandparents aren’t always willing/ able/ whatever you want to call it, to spend time with DGC. I’m surprised, maybe because I’ve been spoilt with my MIL, and my dad to an extent who have always been huge pillars of support in our lives, maybe (quite possibly) something I’ve taken for granted in the past!

My dad has never taken my children anywhere on his own. They're pretty much grown up now so that boat has sailed... I never expected him to though. My mum was more hands on but unless I was working or had somewhere to go we would go out together with the children. It wouldn't have occurred to me to send her out alone.

You’ve invited him over, he’s coming over. There should be no issue, you seem to be making one because your house is a (in your words) dump. Tidy it up and let him in. You can’t invite someone then not allow them in but expect them to take your kids to the park alone.

You are pointing the finger at someone because of incorrect grammar as you say, but in every single one of your posts on this thread you have made grammar mistakes by leaving out fullstops, apostrophes ,and even capital letters such as above . So your finger pointing is all back at you . Rather embarrassing, don’t you think ?

It has literally never occurred to me to leave my children alone with either of their grandfathers. Just not a thing in our families - men of that generation just weren't as hands on.

Maybe he doesn't know what to do. Many mums have major issues with in laws getting involved with Grandchildren. Maybe he doesn't know that he is allowed to take the children out. Also many men feel women are very suspicious of any man that wants to take children out on their own. Talk to him

Housework has nothing to do with it. Does he have a reasonable relationship with your DCs, with them being 6 and 3. If not you need to be there for their sake, they are too young to be left with someone they hardly know. Simple.

We are all different. If he turns up and it suits all good. My DH family only had our two eldest for one sleep over! One day out and the occasional Sunday lunch, that was rushed. I gave up making the effort.

My dad wasn't very hands on with the children ie taking them out, but he was lovely with them and they loved him. I didn't invite him so he could look after them, it was so we could all spend time together.
My partner is very much the same with his grandchildren.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable- you might ask a friend to do the same, and this is their grandparent. Even if they don’t want to, it’s a favour to you that you’d be thankful for. Not unreasonable to ask at all.

He is obviously not bothered about your kids but that's totally up to him.

IME grandfathers don’t make much of an effort. Grandmothers tend to make the arrangements and make an effort and grandfathers tag along. Simply tell him want to do. He might be grateful for the instructions.

You are not being unreasonable to explain your feelings about the house and ask if he is able to take them to the park for a bit. But I think you should ask in a way that he can say no without worrying he is upsetting you. Also not to make this the focus of the visit - so make sure you spend at least as much time with him as he spends looking after the kids for you. And make sure he knows how much you appreciate his efforts.
It is not unreasonable to hope grandparents can help with childcare and to make them aware of what you need, but it is unreasonable to expect childcare.

Taking 2 children to the park for an hour is hardy babysitting, they are his grandchildren.

I can understand why you wouldn’t want to spend time with other peoples grandchildren but can’t understand how someone wouldn’t want to spend time with their own grandchildren.

Spending time with grandchildren should be high on peoples priority lists IMO.

Yeah. Dream on to the world invented by Disney.

If the family is close-knit - there's a sense of joy with every new arrival.

If the family is fractured -and you're not close to either child of the parent - then there's possibly going to be a reluctance to engage.

However, if grandpa is leaving it to you to plan grandparent/grandchild get-togethers - you're in a great position.

You can choose an activity that you know child will like and grandparent feels comfortable in.

Grandparent will feel actively encouraged and valued.

However, don't hold your breath.

Sometimes grandparents relate/latch on to only one grandchild for their own reasons - and Sometimes they don't want to become involved.

But just consider, he's male, he's old and maybe he had no active engagement in raising his own kids when he was young. He may have no clue how to behave with the next generation. And it sounds like his wife is not going to be accompanying him on the visit.

Some of the people on this thread are nuts, OP, and clearly have terrible relationships with their own families.

It's not unrealistic for you to hope for your DH's dad to have a good relationship with his grandchildren and to be involved in their childhoods. It is the general assumption that if you have kids, someday you'll have grandkids, that this is a good thing, and you'll have a role to play as a grandparent, like you did when you were a parent only. It is absolutely fine to be disappointed when someone expresses no interest in playing this role and being part of their grandchildren's childhoods. Families help each other out.

It is strange how negatively some people here view having children. It seems like you have some people against having children commenting here. I wouldn't give these comments too much thought.

That said, it doesn't sound like he's in a great place himself right now. Did he do anything when his dog tried to bite your child? If not, I'm not sure I would want him spending time with my children unsupervised anyway. Sadly, just because some people are parents doesn't mean they're suitable ones - or that they become suitable grandparents. Wish you the best.

@Wexone maybe OP also typing quickly when she mentioned half term? I mean: we all know what she meant, so completely unnecessary to correct it TBH.

Just because you have grandchildren doesn't mean you want to spend all your time with them, some people see it that they have had their children and so they have done their bit.
Don't try to force the issue if he wants to pop over he will if he doesn't he won't.

Maybe the obstacle to Grandpa seeing his grand kids more often is the person you see when you look in the mirror?

When my DB split from his wife, he said the hardest thing was leaving the kids after a visit. Maybe your FIL feels the same after his split with your DHs mum, so he does it to self protect. Be gentle with him and see where it takes you.