To feel like Grandad should step up

[Trufflebutter24]

My DH dad makes little effort with his grandchildren and has probably taken them out twice in their 6 and 3 years.
He’s been off all week and as it’s half term I suggested he may want to come over and see them today.
he’s left it completely up to me to decide times/ what we do, which maybe he thinks is being helpful and laidback I don’t know.
he’s coming over at midday and my house is a complete dump, which is overwhelmingly me to no end. AIBU to suggest he takes kids to the local park by himself for an hour?
I don’t know if it’s wrong to assume grandparents want to see their GC. My DH mum and my dad are consistently involved in their lives but he’s just AWOL. Not sure if it’s a case of me having unrealistic expectations though.

YABU.

I’m sure he loves his grandkids but that doesn’t mean he enjoys taking them out or really knows how to entertain them. Not everyone enjoys looking after small kids, even their own! He has left his parenting days behind now and maybe that’s a complete relief to him.

You don’t visit him. I understand the reasons for that, obviously, but you really are expecting him to do all the running here. You’re even annoyed because he - actually bloody kindly! - told you he would fit in with you re. timings etc.

And no, it’s not reasonable to invite someone over and then dump your kids on them so you can tidy up.

I think it’s alright to be a bit disappointed but you have to keep it to yourself. My mum loves her grandchildren but my dad would happily see them once a year and that’s it. They’ve already had their kids, they might not want to do the hands-on stuff any more and that should be respected.

You can't invite someone over and then demand they take your children out, no. YABU.

You just need to accept he's not very involved. I have a MIL who lives around the corner and has never once in her life took my dc out (in 13 years!) on her own to the point if she comes over my kids aren't even bothered by her presence and don't spend any time with her..
Yet the other set of grandparents who live 400 miles away are extremely involved. It is what it is.

I don't speak to my dad for weeks and weeks. Doesn't mean we don't love each other. Some people (including me) are just a bit shit at staying in touch. I'm one of those that tbh didn't see the point of talking unless there's a point! But always happy to see people when it is arranged by whoever.

Asking him to take them to the park is v cheeky. But I think you know that now!

Your entitlement is insane op really is grandparents are there when they want to be and have the luxury of enjoying gc at there own leisure they’ve already raised there’s!

I think it’s entitlement if I can’t grasp the other side. I’m posting to check myself and to understand if my way of thinking is unfair, there’s nothing entitled about that. But thank you for commenting 😊

You couldn’t from your initial post though op it was like he’s off work so help me! Lol I’m glad you can see that yabu.

How do you help him out? Or is it a one way street?

Your children, your choice, your responsibility.

You can't expect anyone else to parent them. If they want to help out, that's great. But, in my experience, men (sorry, a bit bashing but speaking from my personal experience) don't want to look after children.

It’s not how I intend to behave as a grandparent one day, but each to their own.

You’ve got two grandparents consistently involved so I’d consider that quite a huge blessing. Some people have no grandparents on the scene at all. We have one, my Mum, and I am so so grateful for her involvement. Everyone else is useless; my Dad has met my daughter twice, ever.

It's unfortunate, but sometimes it is the case that people are slightly disappointing on the grandparent front. My in-laws never ask to see our children, offer to babysit or take them anywhere. Occasionally if we are desperate we will ask and they do more for SIL, but I find it strange that they don't seem bothered whether or not they have a relationship with them. We've had to accept this is how it is, and we are grateful that the other set of grandparents are awesome.

That's the point @Trufflebutter24
That's why it's unreasonable to have any sort of expectations based simply on the fact he is a grandparent.

I can certainly understand someone's sadness or disappointment if grandparents don't want to have close relationships with their dc, but that's different from feeling let down that a grandparent doesn't volunteer to take responsibility for looking after your dc.

You dont know what is happening in someone else's life. Maybe he's unhappy about this break up. Maybe his wife told him when they broke up his son was not his son. Maybe he just cant be doing with childrens games any more, young child like repetition and it's boring enough with your own children.

You cant expect from other people what they dont want to give, you can only change your own expectations.

I’m 68 and adore my grandchildren 5 and 3, but find them exhausting. I have a painful shoulder, due for an op, arthritis in my hands and I worry I could not look after them safely. Young children, though lovely, can be a handful, but don’t assume grandparents do not care because they are not involved as you would like. Personally I wish I saw mine more!

My in-laws never saw our children out with their house, they only saw them if we visited them.

no visits to the park, no days out , nothing, the children were lucky if they visited them on their birthdays.

but we never expected them to, that was their choice.

This.

Did that ever upset you?

'his lack of effort has always been strange for me, even with his own kids. He goes weeks and weeks without speaking to them.'

So entirely predictable then, that his disinterest extends to his his kids kids. 🤷🏼‍♀️

It's the end of term holidays, not half term.

So you invited him round, he said yes, was flexible to fit in around you, and you are now questioning whether he wants to see you? It sounds like he does but doesn't want to be a bother. Or does he find it odd to see you without DH there?

I think inviting him round so he can take the children out will not give him the impression that you want to see him more.

I personally think being in daily contact is more unusual than once every few weeks.

An awful lot of men are pretty ambivalent when it comes to kids, even their own.

My DH parents have never taken our 6year out in his life. Not even looked after him. You can't force people to be involved.

My parents are dead and my husbands mum is shit, never watched my children for a minute alone.
just remember not to put yourself out in their old age.

Occasionally , but when we had a newborn we visited weekly and as the children got older it got down to fortnightly. But it was inlaws choice.

they actually visited one birthday and ds said “ mum and dad said they didn’t think you would make the effort to visit” 😂😂😂

The mums parents are usually a lot more involved than the fathers parents. My paternal grandfather never took me anywhere. My maternal grandmother took me out all the time. This is pretty normal in all honesty. I don't think grandfather's tend to do a lot and if they do it's often led by his wife.

My parents are not active in their Grandchildrens lives either, they are both extremely busy in retirement and see them on birthdays/Christmas and the odd days in between.

Not weird in our family, as their aunty i see them about as often as the GC's do - we just live different types of lives.

Edited to add, i never saw my GC's very often either, so totally normal for us

I always think its strange that in this type of thread the word “childcare” comes up. Usually the op just hopes their parent(s) may be interested in their and their grandchildrens lives and want to spend some time with them- and that time may occasionally for fun be without the parents, because they want to, not as a service to the parents, but also thinking, oh my daughter could probably do with an hours peace, i’ll take the kids out to the ice cream shop etc etc.

i cannot imagine not being interested in my grown up children, and grandchildrens lives, that is completely separate from childcare.

OP you are not unreasonable to be disappointed and sad, but i’d not ask your dad to take them if they don’t know each other too well.