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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like Grandad should step up

128 replies

Trufflebutter24 · 05/04/2024 09:25

My DH dad makes little effort with his grandchildren and has probably taken them out twice in their 6 and 3 years.
He’s been off all week and as it’s half term I suggested he may want to come over and see them today.
he’s left it completely up to me to decide times/ what we do, which maybe he thinks is being helpful and laidback I don’t know.
he’s coming over at midday and my house is a complete dump, which is overwhelmingly me to no end. AIBU to suggest he takes kids to the local park by himself for an hour?
I don’t know if it’s wrong to assume grandparents want to see their GC. My DH mum and my dad are consistently involved in their lives but he’s just AWOL. Not sure if it’s a case of me having unrealistic expectations though.

OP posts:
Tourmalines · 05/04/2024 11:14

Comedycook · 05/04/2024 10:58

The mums parents are usually a lot more involved than the fathers parents. My paternal grandfather never took me anywhere. My maternal grandmother took me out all the time. This is pretty normal in all honesty. I don't think grandfather's tend to do a lot and if they do it's often led by his wife.

Not so in my case. My husband and I are the paternal grandparents and we dote on our 3 year old granddaughter. We’ve always babysat her from a very young age . She has sleep overs for 2 nights or the odd 3 nighter . We have a great bond and we take her out and do things with her as well as spend every waking minute of the day fully focused on her when she’s here . And my husband plays with her heaps .Her grandfather on her mothers side hasn’t even physically seen her yet . It would have just been a short flight but he wasn’t bothered. Anyway , each case is different and it also depends I think to some degree how people are wired and the relationship between the grandparents and their own kids and in-laws .

SKG231 · 05/04/2024 11:20

You don’t know what he is dealing with in his own life or with his mental health. Your grandkids could be quite frankly the last thing on his mind right now.

He may also have lost his confidence looking after young children so you palming them off on to him for an outing to the park isn’t ok.

You should never assume that people should feel a certain way about your children or that they should have a certain role in their lives. That is up to the individual.

Motnight · 05/04/2024 11:27

bumbledeedum · 05/04/2024 09:33

In my experience grandparents are either interested and actively want to see their grandchildren or they don't. There's no point getting frustrated/trying to change their minds, they won't. He's made it very obvious he's not that bothered so I don't think you can try and force him into being actively involved. Certainly doesn't sound like he has enough of a relationship to take them out solo.

I agree with this.

BigFatLiar · 05/04/2024 11:35

Trufflebutter24 · 05/04/2024 09:44

to answer some of your questions
he was a very hands on dad when the children were young, according to MIL. He often talks about it being the best time of his life.
when him and MIL split he apparently massively stepped away, seeing DH very infrequently.

i think if I’m being honest, I’m annoyed with my shit tip home and projecting some annoyance on to this unrelated topic 😂 but I think his lack of effort has always been strange for me, even with his own kids. He goes weeks and weeks without speaking to them. Maybe I’m spoilt, I lost my mum when I was younger but my dad messages me most days! Different strokes I guess

Do you know why they split? Sounds like his whole life was whipped away from him and he's still hurting.

If he's in his 50s and going through another breakup then he's probably pretty busy with work and trying to sort his life out.

Floatlikeafeather2 · 05/04/2024 11:56

Trufflebutter24 · 05/04/2024 09:46

I don’t think anyone decides to have grandchildren do they?

Show quote history

That was my point.

Notreat · 05/04/2024 12:00

Trufflebutter24 · 05/04/2024 09:29

Yeah totally fair point, I don’t expect “free childcare”, my expectation is that he would have more desire than he does to spend time with them. If I hadn’t invited him over then we wouldn’t see him today. I just find it odd!

Maybe he doesn't want to assume he can just visit and feels he has to wait for an invitation? I get on very well with my children and look after my GC regularly but I don't visit unless invited.
Also how confident does he feel kicking after children? He might want to see them but doesn't want to look after them or taken them out alone.

5128gap · 05/04/2024 12:07

On the basis that if you'd said MiL not FiL you'd have been advised that they were selfish, entitled and demanding, should only see DC at your convenience and should ideally be offering to clean your home and cook your tea (while remaining in their lane and neither interfering or overstepping) I'd say no YANBU. Ask away OP. He can only say no. And as he's a grandad not a grandma no one will judge him if he does.

SilkFloss · 05/04/2024 12:07

YABU for calling it half term.
It's the Easter holidays. Half terms are halfway through each of the three main school terms, so October, February and early June.

Original poster
Trufflebutter24 · 05/04/2024 12:12

SilkFloss · 05/04/2024 12:07

YABU for calling it half term.
It's the Easter holidays. Half terms are halfway through each of the three main school terms, so October, February and early June.

😂

OP posts:
Hatty65 · 05/04/2024 12:19

If he's been off all week that suggests he works normally.

I'd be reluctant to spend my holiday time babysitting a 3 and 6 year old, to be honest. Or even visiting. He's clearly not desperately interested in small children by the sound of it. I don't have GC - but when we go to stay with the in-laws my DSIL often has her small GC for the day and it annoys me, to be honest. I don't want to spend my holidays babysitting someone else's small children.

I think it's unreasonable to expect he might like to spend some of his annual leave in a play park. If you are working, it's not high on most people's list of top ten things to do.

Beautiful3 · 05/04/2024 12:20

Can't really tell someone to take them out when they've come to visit! He can play with them, while you clean up the house. Just leave him with a cuppa and sandwich, and get on with the house work.

Gowlett · 05/04/2024 12:21

I’m not sure he’d be able to manage two kids in the park, if he’s not used to them. My mum likes to have me or my dad with her, when it’s my DS & his cousin, as it’s hard work with two. If likes to arrange things, then he’d want you to be there too?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 05/04/2024 12:21

He goes weeks and weeks without speaking to them.

Do you/your husband speak to him? Make a point of getting in contact with him? I would have thought that would be an ideal opportunity for your children to speak to their granddad.

Achillo · 05/04/2024 12:23

My kids' grandparents wouldn't recognise them if they passed them in the street. No interest.
If you have been blessed with loving gps on one side, it could be easy to assume it is the norm. But I think there is a huge range of interest and you will just have to take him as you find him without any expectations.
If he's keen to help occasionally and just needs some direction that's pretty great.

iwafs · 05/04/2024 12:24

I’d certainly ask if he minded playing toys/entertaining/chatting with them whilst you do some clearing up. I don’t think I’d ask him to take them out. I wouldn’t want to take a 6yo and 3yo who might go off in opposite directions and 3yo might need rescuing from apparatus. Also if you were in your home, you wouldn’t be telling him to F off and do childcare for an hour/90 mins, you could chat and wander past whilst clearing.

ZetuianRose · 05/04/2024 12:25

No one is obliged to take an interest in your kids. Not even people who are related to them.

TroubleMakingWitch · 05/04/2024 12:26

I just wonder if times have changed and it's a generational thing?

Me and my husband grew up in the 80's and 90's and both had sets of grandparents who were very involved. Multiple visits per week and helped out a lot with childcare. I was one of six and my husband one of three so I can't imagine it was easy rather!

However, we get no support now from either sets of parents and we only have the one child. They seem quite content doing their own thing. They are all retired and don't work but have busy lives. It used to upset me but I'm not particularly bothered now. They seem happy with a fleeting visit on a sporadic basis so we've got used to it. Childcare is never offered and on the odd occasion we've asked they haven't been unavailable. I do get a bit jealous when I see mums who have a lot of support but you can drive yourself mad when you start thinking like that!

fieldsofbutterflies · 05/04/2024 12:28

You say yourself that he often goes weeks without contacting his children, and that he wasn't that interested in DH once his marriage had broken down. So, it can't be that surprising to you that he's not interested in his grandchildren, surely?

I'm not defending him, but it seems like he's always been very distant and uninterested in family life, so I think expecting that to change just because he's now a grandparent was probably a bit unrealistic.

I think you probably just need to accept who he is and that you (and DH) will need to be the ones to initiate any contact that happens. At least he's willing to visit and to fit in with you, which is more than can be said for others!

BusyMummy001 · 05/04/2024 12:36

I’d ask him if he wants to watch some CBeebie with them for 20mins whilst he drinks a cuppa and you do a whiz around… it doesn’t sound as though he is necessarily very comfortable with young kids (many mean aren’t, regardless of age), otherwise he’d have visited more. I’d make it low key and easy so thay he is encouraged to visit more often rather than scare him away.

Def would not send him to the park given a) the kids are not familiar with him and b) you have no idea if he’d be happy with that level of responsibility.

Tryingtohelp12 · 05/04/2024 12:38

Honestly my FIL and my mum are brilliant with my kids. My dad only has them when my mum is around and my MIL has never had them. It used to bother me and now I’ve just accepted it as the normal.

yesterday I took my kids to a farm and there where some young boys with their grandfather. I had to grab one of them as they fell into a small pond/paddle boat area, he spent the rest of the day running round in no pants or underwear, had to alert grandad he was running around the zip line area and could easily get knocked as it’s very fast (grandad was looking for him but in the wrong area) and Then the eldest poured sand all over his little brothers face/eyes in the sand pit. Grandad could clearly not cope and for the first time I thought I’m glad my dad/MIL don’t offer if they don’t feel confident/ can’t manage it. If he’s not offering and you have hinted I’d not force it.

(I sound really judgey - I’m not! I get kids can be a pain but honestly this grandad was clueless!)

alwayslearning789 · 05/04/2024 12:45

I'm sorry but YABU.

He's your Dad not your Babysitter.

Make your own proper arrangements as their Mum and let him enjoy his grandchildren in his own way.

You can't force people to be 'your way ' even your own relatives (and children as we all find out in the end)

JPGR · 05/04/2024 12:54

I take the point that he didn't choose to have grandchildren and isn't obliged to help or see them but how sad. I get so much pleasure from my grandchildren and if it helps my children out then even better. He is getting over a break up and said when his children were young it was the best time of his life - what a shame he can't find some comfort in being with his grandchildren.

AlecTrevelyan006 · 05/04/2024 12:56

I'm a 58 year old grandad to an 18-month old. It's brilliant :)

I've taken my grandson to the park a few times for an hour so just to allow my daughter to do some jobs around the house. You can't force anyone to visit / look after their grand kids but it's a shame that some don't want to be involved.

Monkeybusiness09 · 05/04/2024 13:07

My FIL has never brought my children out, never called into see them , never rang or text to see how they are, never bought them as much as a birthday card, basically not bothered. He lives a 3 minute walk away, very fit and healthy. My kids are now teens.

MIL was only slightly better, but it was always on her terms. If she felt like calling in at 7.30pm with Haribos that was OK as "it suited her". We rarely see them these days even though they live so close. My kids don't want to visit and MIL said does not chasing her grandchildren anymore.

My mother has not seen, spoken to or sent any Birthday, Christmas cards in 4 years. Too busy with my sisters kids.

They are all a waste of space and dont deserve my children in their lives.

ImthatBoleyngirl · 05/04/2024 13:08

This thread has just made me realise that Grandad on DH's side has never once taken DC out and only sees them briefly once or twice a year. They are 10 and 12, and he lives 20 mins away!