To not send my child to nursery at all?

[Nilin]

Our childcare is currently covered by DH and I both working part time, plus grandparents.
We had intended to send our DC to nursery in January 2025, at age 3, for 2-3 days a week.
We have been trying since January to find her a nursery place thinking a year's notice would be enough- we were very wrong!
A lot of nurseries reported no places until 2026, only taking full-time, etc etc.
There are about 8 nurseries within a 30 minute walking distance and they are all a no, so had to widen search to one we could drive to.
We have had just one offer us a viewing- it's hard though as obviously I feel obliged to take it as we don't have another choice! It's going to be really awkward though when we work from home and commute by public transport when we do go in, to then get her in the car to get to nursery to then drive home and then head into work.
I did want DC to be able to socialise and make friends, but I'm now wondering if there would be any harm in just continuing our current arrangement until she goes to school? We go on lots of days out but we don't really meet up with children the same age. I could make more of an effort to attend a local playgroup regularly though so she is seeing the same people. I'm just keen to do right by her really.

Agreed! Don’t let people tell you that nursery is a MUST in order to function in daily life. Socialising comes in lots of forms. In fact, many children don’t even really know how to interact with adults as they grow up, only home educated kids really.

If your gut says no, don’t do it. You can visit playgroups, farms, parks etc and I’m sure your child will engage and play with lots of children in different areas. They will be ok

Prioritise taking her to the same Playgroup,
Enrol her in swimming and sometimes dancing.
Take her a few times per month to a local church that is mainstream, vibrant, has good attendance numbers and has a Sunday School program.
Take her regularly to see cousins and grandparents.

Spot on, couldn't agree more.

Former teacher here, and absolutely agree that nurseries are not necessary for children. I've found, particularly in England, that people have been heavily conditioned to believe that nurseries are an essential thing for children to learn, develop, and socialise. There is no evidence base for this.

I’d look for a childminder instead?

Many will happily do one or two days and it would give your child the socialisation opportunities they’l need before starting school?

I think if you don't want to send them to nursery op, then regular play groups or similar would be really important. Children need to see other children, it's essential for good development imo and also important for developing a healthy immune system.

My son is in year 1 now so the children who were covid toddlers so restricted socialisation. The number of kids in that class needing extra support is huge, pretty much half the class and not just the usual 3 or 4. It's not a coincidence.

Have you contacted the primary schools in the area and asked if they have pre-schools? Most don’t advertise and aren’t obvious from the school websites etc. So many are only known to parents involved with the schools already.

We did both, eldest did nursery up until school aged and youngest went to the preschool at the primary school - the preschool was so much better! And bonus that it didn’t cost me a penny as fully funded by the Gov hours!!!

OP I understand! I've only needed part time nursery & it's becoming really difficult to even get that as the demand for full time places ramps up, so the nursery may as well just wait for a potential full time child instead.

I send my second to a term time nursery - it's more of. a playgroup in a village hall, these ones tend to be less advertised as they have no marketing budget and you don't get as many full time kids there. Maybe worth asking around as there might be a setting you don't know about?

Or childminder who is looking after a few children is a good option too. I'm no expert but honestly it benefited my first so much with having had nursery experience before school. I would also keep asking the places you've tried already as things change.

What about a preschool attached to the primary school he will be going to? Usually easier to get a place and the shorter hours is better for young kids. You could just do 2 days or a few mornings, whatever works best.

Did you try a place in the school nursery or pre school ? If so and there are no places then I see no issue with keeping the child home . The only benefit would be to make friends prior to school but if none goes to his school then 🤷🏻‍♀️. Kids have years of being cooped up together

Not being unreasonable at all. A lot of people assume you just HAVE to send your children to nursery and even school but that's all an opt-in system in the UK, the legal default is actually to home educate lol. That's what we're doing. My kids have never been to nursery (4.5yo and 15mo). We go to playgroups often, play dates, soft plays with friends, home ed meets, all sorts of meet ups where they are socialising much more intentionally than they would be in a school or nursery setting. And they are also able to choose their friends rather than being forced to be friends with their nursery or school peers. They are also friends with many different age kids which makes learning even more fun because they all learn from eachother rather than only being around people your age (which never happens in real life lol!).

You're not being unreasonable at all! You can choose what you do as she is your child. You can keep her with you until school and that is not a problem!

Often it is a hugely over-rated thing, and very much an industry rather than the idyllic / essential experience it can be portrayed to be.
If you can find even one social outlet a week where there are other kids to be around, that is absolutely plenty. Being a part of normal life with people of all ages, going to the shops and library with grandparents, baking and cooking at home 1:1 gives huge opportunities for development.
At home my kids could have free reign to be creative. In nursery they would come back with an art activity completed such a handprint and photo, all put neatly together by staff and identical to 27 others. Well meaning but not actual creativity by any stretch. Messing with paint for an hour with no Pinterest worthy results is much more developmentally beneficial to a small child.
Home ed get togethers can be a great place to meet families and kids who are free during the mornings by the way. If there are local groups that is definitely worth checking out as they tend to be relaxed and have some fun activities for hanging out with children of various ages which would be ideal.

'Should I patronize a money-suckling tax-grifting bloodthirsty institution that constantly cries poverty to continue extorting struggling parents for obscene amounts of money because other people have shamed me into doing so?'

No, girlie, you should not.

I think that's quite extreme!

We live somewhere which is now frequently included in lists of top places to live in the UK; the tide of gentrification has hit and there has been an influx of young families. Demand is more than supply. One of my friends on the advise of others put several hundred pounds worth of deposit down to secure her nursery place after her 12 week scan!

I guess the new funding hasn't helped either.

There's a primary school on my road but no preschool.

You mean you’re choosing their friends for them through playgroups and home ed groups rather than them being “forced” to be friends with their nursery or school peers? Well it’s one way to make sure they’re only friends with the “right” kind of children…

I always find it interesting there is this total misconception of what happens with children in countries where 'formal' education starts much later and that there is this belief that children are playing at home with a SAHP until they are 7. Many of these countries, and Scandinavian ones are prime examples have state nurseries. these countries have a high employment rate amongst parents, think Finland is 80% of parents work, so children won't be at home. Play groups etc that parents attend with young children don't really exist as children will be at nursery.

Apart from anything else my 3 yr old loves his nursery friends. They play in a completely different way to how I would play with him and they have a lot of fun together. He chats about his friends at home and gets ideas for games etc from them and we have play dates and parties with them. I don’t think playgroups where there are generally different children each week and you are there really replicate that.

I don’t know if it’s necessary to have that at age 3 in that a child who hasn’t might be fine socially at school but it’s really nice and expands their world.

No you aren't unreasonable. I wouldn't send my child to a nursery if i didn't need to, unless I could find somewhere I liked (and that he liked too).

It does seem odd there are no places anywhere though- where I live demand is very high too but the problem is more for babies than 3 year olds.

I wouldn't worry about socializing if shes not 3 yet but I'd look at making she interacts with other children as she gets closer to 4 but there's loads of ways to do that.

No need for nursery at all. As your daughter gets older then she’ll start playing with other kids at farm parks, soft play etc. It’s what they do.

DS1 went to nursery one day a week (through necessity). DS2 never went to nursery (I had a nanny by then). Neither of them had any trouble at all settling into school, both socialised well with the other pupils and have always had plenty of friends.

It’s a myth that nursery is essential for anything other than childcare.

Mine didn't go to nursery as I was at home. Perfectly fine. When they started reception, the teacher mentioned they might have speech issues but after talking to a specialist, they said actually it may just be because they only really interacted with me/playgroups. But both are very advanced now so I don't think nursery would have made any real difference

It depends on the child. My 3 year old really didn't get on well (and he went to drop off childcare since we was 2). I think waiting till he was 4 might have been better for him.

Am curious, (if you don't mind me asking) is this in a more rural or local community setting?
I have found in the burbs / city that most people are rushing off elsewhere and aren't looking for meaningful connections with parents of smallies. It happened in primary school as people knew the investment over years was worth their time, but never in nursery.

I think she will find school easier (the transition) after being in nursery or a pre-school. Even a term. Going to a playgroup with mum or DGP for 2 hours is in no way comparable to a school day. It’s not about her development per se but being comfortable in a big group, eating with other children, going to the bathroom etc
I think she will miss out and find school a shock.

I don’t think you can compare Covid toddler life to the lives of toddlers who just don’t go to nursery. Covid was exceptional, we couldn’t even see family, never mind friends.

I always made sure I took my kids on days out to places where there’d be other kids (parks, farm parks etc), they always seemed to find other kids to play with. Local groups can be good too - gymnastics, swimming, football - whatever they’re into really. And I also spent time with friends with little kids too. That’s plenty of socialising.

In my OP I used nursery to also mean preschool.

The primary school she would attend doesn't have a preschool.

Pretty sure that other one does cost £500 a month- it acknowledges funding but then states the weekly top up amount as £100. (And has various other fees listed)

Preschools as in these church hall type settings just didn't seem to exist- I looked at the directory for our borough and they were only a few- literally 4- all a ridiculous distance away as borough is quite large (well, for around here) and covers urban suburbs out to semi rural towns.

Happily @171513mum you have helped us out! There was one listed as 'playgroup' and I knew the preschool there had shut as a mates mum used to run it- they went into the red and couldn't afford to run anymore.
The playgroup however has moved in from another building they were using before and is actually a preschool where you drop the kids off! It has rave reviews from where it was before. It's 9-1 four days in terms time but would also cost nothing.

On the whole I've took all views on board - she is definitely a PFB and is doted on. I love our days out and time together. I do think a couple of hours of preschool would be good to get a bit of tentative independence and we can then always go to the park or soft play and get an ice cream in the afternoon.

I'll visit and fingers crossed it will be ok!

@MumblesParty “It’s a myth that nursery is essential for anything other than childcare.”

that’s factually incorrect. There are a ton of studies on benefits of good early childhood education (nurseries, pre-schools etx) That’s why in many EU countries it’s heavily funded, it benefits children’s development and Language development and the effects are seen in school. Especially children from deprived backgrounds benefit massively.