Is this going to cause a massive family rift?

[Whatdoyoudowiththedrunkensailor]

Sorry for length of this -

I have an older brother who is a little bit of a moocher - I’ve posted about him before under a different name. He has had a great education and many opportunities in life and has ended up, in his mid 30s, with no money and financially dependent on my mother. He never pays for himself and works a couple of hours a day, and that’s it. He is always feeling sorry for himself due to having no money, and therefore my mother/other siblings bank roll him as they worry he is depressed. I think he’s just playing on their emotions/using them (but I can’t be sure of this).

He is always asking us if he can do odd jobs for cash. We let him dog sit last year whilst we were away - fridge full of food for him at ours, 25£ a day etc, and he fucked off for 10 hours a day to see friends and left our dog crying (we could hear on camera after neighbour messaged asking if dog was alright)/had to get mother to intervene as we were abroad. Came home to a fruit bowl full of rotting fruit and fridge full of off milk etc.

Anyway we are expecting and he’s due to be god father as he is an extremely fun brother/uncle. We offered him 200-300£ to paint a wardrobe for the baby as he’s very talented artistically and his hobby is art related. He agreed. We set a deadline of 1 week for the work to be finished. 3 weeks later. 3 weeks of him lying (I can’t do it today as I’m working - turns out he was just at home chilling etc), showing up hours after he said he would, us waiting around for him….what he has painted is shockingly bad - he didn’t put the tape on properly and it needs totally clearing up/the non painted bits will need to be repainted to fix it. Anyway we basically said “if you don’t want to do this please just say as we had another person lined up”. No, he’s sorry but he’s not motivated. Ok, fine. So we have to get the other person to undo all his shitty work and the deadline was weeks ago and this has been a totally maddening experience.

Today he messaged asking for money for the time spent on it. On one hand - maybe he is depressed (although he is never too depressed to see his friends and do the things HE wants to do - dinners, lunches, cinema trips, gym etc) and he did spend some time painting. On the other hand he totally fucking let us down and it’s going to now cost us MORE money than the other person originally quoted as she’s not starting from scratch.

I don’t want to cause a huge family argument if we don’t pay him so do we just pay him something? What’s fair?

If he wasn’t your brother would you pay him for the crappy work he has/hasn’t done? I mean my teenager could paint a pink line straighter than the one in the pic! I think you bung him £50 and say that will be the last time you give him any money as it’s interfering with your sibling relationship.

I think I agree with this!

JESUS CHRIST

No-one would pay £50 for a part job! Don't bloody pay him! If he wants money for a job then he needs to do the bloody job!

The job was to finish the wardrobe, not do a bit of it.

I thought I was a terrible hand-wringer and over-thinker but you are next level if you're still considering giving him any money!

The worst thing is then you're still putting a monetary value on him dicking you about and causing you extra costs, hassle and disappointment.

Just far cleaner to say NO. FULL STOP.

Just stop prolonging it - you're giving the impression if he argues enough you'll magically be talked into being (partially) happy with what he's done.

He really does need to learn a lesson here

He still sponged off us! I was a student with no money and he would do things like say (when we were living together) “ let’s go to the cinema”. On our way there he would say “I don’t have any money btw you’ll have to pay”. Or he’d say “I’m making lasagne do you want some?” And I/a friend would say yes and then we would eat it and he would ask us for 5£ each for ingredients. My mother left us at home once and he had the emergency money and he was so tight he used it on himself and when we ran out of loo roll bought cheap tissues.

Whaaat???

So you have felt responsible for how many years?

And have somehow dragged your husband into this?

I actually hope your husband has told him that he won't be paid.

He did a shit job that needed to be rectified before any work could be started by someone else.

No! And definitely not godfather. He would make grandiose promises to the child and repeatedly let them down. Just no.

@Whatdoyoudowiththedrunkensailor

at most 50£. DH wants to pay nothing but it’s quite awkward now.

OP it's going to be awkward whether you pay him £50, £100 or nothing at all. Paying him even a minimum amount leaves the door open for future machinations by him in the future when you'll have to go through all this again.

Listen to your husband who is making absolute sense and pay your grifter brother nothing! Remember this is the brother who you're planning on being godfather to your child (still?) and who's had his hand out for money from you pretty much the whole of his life. Who should have offered to do the job for free as a present his godchild.

Time to make a stand and break this pattern you're all in. Next in line for his grifting are your children. 🌹

Thing is I do get how difficult it is when it's close family and all that the relationships entail. However abandoning your dog for that long when he agreed that he would look after him/her should have been it. I would not have wanted him in my home after that stunt. I do not understand why you keep rewarding his behaviour. Did he ever apologise or pay you back? Maintain a relationship if that's what you want but have it completely on your terms.

Probably a cliche to say this but you cannot change him or the others, however all you can do is change your behaviour towards him. Stop agreeing to pay him to do things, stop paying for him when he should pay for himself, etc. I do not see why you would not tell him that you do not want him to be a godparent anymore. Do you really want this guy to have a role in your kid's life? Even as a godparent.

He's abusing your relationship and love for him. Always remember that when he tries to make you feel sorry or guilty. Good luck.

I agree with your husband here, please don't be a wet drip and pay him for a terrible job!

Your dh is right. Don’t pay him a penny

Don’t allow it to be awkward. He wants you to pay him £50 for making a mess and mucking you around. No way. Listen to your DH. Would you pay a tradesman?

Please please please.
Deliberately misunderstand DBro. Accept his proposal that he gives you £100 towards the £120 it cost to correct his poor work.

Or ask him to pay £120 for the corrective work and then you will give him £50.

Who does DBro normally communicate with - you or DH? Is there significance in him contacting DH. Does DBro realise, after the w/e family lunch, that there's no point asking you at the moment so he has "gone behind your back" to DH instead?

He normally messages me but when it had been 2 weeks and it was clear he was misleading us re the amount of work being done, DH messaged him to just “take over” as he had a week off. So that’s why they are messaging now. Although he wasn’t any less embarrassed re misleading DH “I can’t send you photos of what I’ve painted as I haven’t had my coffee yet”,
“Im out running errands so I can’t” etc etc

I know it’s his life but I feel less like helping him given that when I did message last week (or whenever it was) to suggest therapy and be supportive, he gave such a long story about how alcohol was the issue and he would be fine as not drinking, so to see him drinking this weekend I just feel totally like “fuck this shit.”

At this point, I would just show him this thread. If he has any sense of shame then that would be enough to shut him up for life and never ask you for money again.

At the very least show it your mum.

At this point hand over the reins to your DH on getting this particular matter to a close. Your brother is talking with him now so let him bring it to a conclusion.

If your brother goes running his mouth off to your other family members, say to them that THEY can pony up the money to satisfy brother because as far as you’re aware, your DH and brother brought the matter to a close.

Deal with the next episode as and when it happens.

I think that’s a good idea. Your husband is talking to him so let him deal with it, and if he says no payment go with his decision.
This must be so stressful, and all you wanted was a painted wardrobe for your new baby! Another reason for letting DH deal with this.
And never give him any paid jobs again!

Honestly OP I wouldn't give him 50p for that pathetic and terrible paintwork. Nada. Nothing.

He's been mooching and taking the piss all his life. It's way, way past time it stopped.

Don't give him a penny!!

Let your DH deal with him now, and hopefully he will firmly tell him that he hasn't done what was asked, he's let you down, you've both incredibly disappointed in him, and that as you've had to pay a lot to rectify his poor work, that he's not getting a penny.

If he continues to kick off, your DH can remind him of the numerous cinema outings and various things that you ended up having to pay for him every time he "forgot his wallet". In other words, he can shove off.

Don't pander to this waster anymore OP. Be strong!!

Perhaps it's time for you to make sure his cashes his reality check and realizes he is not the center of the universe? .

I'm sorry, but you all just let him be a twat waffle over and over again and then wonder why he's a twat waffle.

Insanity Is Doing the Same Thing Over and Over Again and Expecting Different Results.

Maybe try something different? Like, for instance, make him be an adult where he takes responsibility for his crap-ass actions, behaviors and laziness?

Hopefully this is now the end of things. DB replied “ok DH”. DH thinks that means ok he doesn’t want money. I think
it means in a week he will say “I’ve reflected and I need/deserve the money”.

I feel really mean still, despite everything, because I don’t want to embarrass him/he’s my brother but I hope this can just be the end of it and we won’t ask him to do anything else.

Good for your husband.

Hopefully he'll get the message.

Wouldn't surprise me if he says he'll accept/needs the charity though.

He's shameless!