Who's the problematic one here?

[Isitameproblem]

I'll start by saying I love my DH very much but he kind be unsupportive.
I have self image issues, I struggle with my size and weight (but mostly weight).
For most of my life I've been overweight apart from a couple of years (when I mety DH).
I can reduce in size, but it's very difficult for me to lose any weight. My DH has always been skinny and overall has never been that bothered.
For the past 10 weeks we've started a new regime, I do an average of 6 hours of cardio and around 3/4 of strength training per week. I eat OK, but overall I still eat the same amount/diet as before. I really haven't lost any weight, but you can tell I've toned up considerably (especially around my arms and you can see the middle line in my abs).
My weight has remained the same, apart from when I went away for a few days and I ate all sort sof street food and didn't exercise for about 10 days. Back to my weekly routine I gained what I lost! I came to the conclusion that exercise does make me retain water.
So I talked to my DH about it. His first answer is that it most me carbs (but remember my diet and weight have overall remained the same) and that he has never heard about retaining water due to exercise. Remember we've been together for six years, and have had a similar conversations with him, and he always tells me all different theories of why I'm not losing weight. I always end up annoyed as his words are never of support but mostly about what I'm most likely doing wrong.

All I needed was a "yeah that makes sense" or even a "don't worry about you've definitely shrunk, so it shouldn't matter" but no instead he always comes back with a counter argument or even disbelief if what I'm saying (as he's never heard about it before, but I've definitely mentioned many times over the years that I think that's a likely cause).

Sadly, I don't think I can actually talk to him about it, even though it does bother me.

He never calls me fat or anything, but as much I do think I probably look slim, I weight the same as before I had children and I was definitely chubby back then.

He is trying to help you solve a problem - which is what he thinks you want - so is trying to be supportive in a way.

You actually want a different type of support. Have you explained this to him?

Sometimes, we need to be really clear with people when we don't want solutions. We just want someone to listen and empathise.

Yes I've told him this 20 million times. Including with weight related conversations.

I'm also an overweight woman with a very slim husband. I think it's difficult for him to understand why I don't just eat a bit less and lose weight. He tries to be helpful when I'm trying to lose but he just doesn't really understand! I don't think your husband's comments sound that bad tbh?

I don't really understand what your saying about your weight so I'm unclear what you are wanting from him.
Did you want support on how to lose weight as it sounds like that's what he's trying to offer you.
I think you need to explain a bit better what you mean here to know if he's being unreasonable or not. From what I've understood I think maybe he's just trying to offer advice as you aren't getting the results you want but I might have misunderstood.

Maybe he’s very bored of you going on about your weight?

This is quite typical of men (I don't mean that in a bad way, just their minds seem to operate differently to ours!), they're problem solvers and solution finders. So when you present them with something that's bothering you they want to try and find a solution, when really all you wanted was a sympathetic ear. Happens all the time.

In his way he's trying to be supportive by suggesting other solutions or possibilities. He wants to Solve the Problem. You just want him to agree with you and support you and be sympathetic. Neither of you are wrong, you're just speaking different languages at the moment.

Just explain to him the kind of support you need from him. Sometimes you do just have to lay it out clearly instead of expecting someone to just know what you want instinctively.

Yes this, you'd your thing and he does his

If you don't like his input, you're going to have to either stop discussing it with him or tell him exactly what you want him to say.

I also retain water with new muscle growth, then it drops off quite suddenly a couple of weeks later. Then anorher plateau, then drop. So well done, keep going, it's frustrating but the results will come eventually.

I don't think so. I now rarely talk about it, because it never really ends well.

The thing is that he always come with these conclusions like "run more" when I was training for a marathon I was still the same weight (give or take) - if anything I think I'm better shape now.

Or for example the carbs thing, but even in his own opinion I don't eat enough.

You want him to wave a magic wand but he can’t. You need to make better food choices and eat less and move more. It’s down to you what you put in your mouth - there isn’t a magic formula - and believe me I spent years looking for one. I resorted to paying for a gastric sleeve and now I’m forced to eat less. Guess what - it works.

Stop kidding yourself about water retention - it’s your body and only you can do something about it. He’s probably bored listening to you.

I'll probably get flamed for this, but get him a copy of a book called "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus", and tell him to read the chapter titled "Men Go To Their Caves, And Women Talk".

If he takes it on board, he will be able to communicate with you in a manner you find more agreeable.

I agree that he’s bored by it. Women talking about their weight (and it’s always women) is such a boring topic

6 hours of cardio and 3-4 strength training is crazy. I bet you’re not eating enough protein either

I think men just don't understand the struggle of weight on a woman's body. I've done numerous diets etc and my dh has been madly supportive but I'll eat the same freshly prepped food, but smaller portions, and the weight will fall off him whereas it will take me 2 to 3 times as long to lose the same amount of weight.

From the sounds of it, I think your dh is just trying to be helpful.

That's the only reasonable explanation I have. Otherwise it seems counterintuitive that if eat and drink more and exercise less I lose weight.

Plus I'm definitely smaller than 2 months ago. I lost about 30kg a few years ago and maintained half of those off even after a pregnancy.

Back to my DH, yes I've told him that unless I actively ask for his opinion, the best thing he can do is agree with me.

He can't win so stop going on about your weight entirely.

Then I will say it is mostly a him problem! Although it is often very hard for people who are "fixers" to learn how to listen without jumping in with advice to try and help you solve things. It's a skill he could work on if he chose to but maybe at this point it's unlikely he will. You could try pointing it out in conversations "thanks DH, but I don't want to talk about ways to fix it / if thats correct right now, I'm aware of options, I'm just finding it hard and need you to listen while I vent" each time he offers an idea or questions something.

It might be more useful and less stressful for you though to have conversations where you need to just have empathy elsewhere and discuss it with him when you want to discuss more practical ideas?

Your last paragraph is ridiculous I hope it is a joke?

Back to my DH, yes I've told him that unless I actively ask for his opinion, the best thing he can do is agree with me.

That's not how it works.

It's a little like saying "when I want your opinion, I'll give it to you!" 🤣

Well it has more or less come to that unfortunately. He's very opinionated (so am I) but I do tend to vent (something he doesn't do at all).

Weight is a funny topic because we're both fitness enthusiasts but he does it for the health effects and I do it for the health+image ones

Sounds like he's having a conversation and offering suggestions but you don't want that you just want praise. He isn't going to know you just want praise, so tell him you don't want his opinion you just want a well done.

Edited to say sorry I think you're the problematic one over this. Men don't get it as they don't tend to have the same struggles.

So you basically told him that he is not allowed to give his opinion when you raise the topic and he is just to agree with you. And you don't see the problem here?

Yes I know that's not how it works... Completely different examples (but are the only one I can think of right now)..
I don't have a relationship with my sister. I'm at peace with it and it's much better for my MH. Well whenever I say anything about how that relationship messed me up, he used to come back with ways of how to fix it (and believe me I never ever wanted to).

But if you're not changing what you eat, then surely diet it the reason you're not losing weight? He's trying to make a helpful suggestion IMO

@Upallnight2 I agree. I think it sounds like he's trying to diplomatically point out you aren't going to lose weight unless you change what you eat.