Who's the problematic one here?

[Isitameproblem]

I'll start by saying I love my DH very much but he kind be unsupportive.
I have self image issues, I struggle with my size and weight (but mostly weight).
For most of my life I've been overweight apart from a couple of years (when I mety DH).
I can reduce in size, but it's very difficult for me to lose any weight. My DH has always been skinny and overall has never been that bothered.
For the past 10 weeks we've started a new regime, I do an average of 6 hours of cardio and around 3/4 of strength training per week. I eat OK, but overall I still eat the same amount/diet as before. I really haven't lost any weight, but you can tell I've toned up considerably (especially around my arms and you can see the middle line in my abs).
My weight has remained the same, apart from when I went away for a few days and I ate all sort sof street food and didn't exercise for about 10 days. Back to my weekly routine I gained what I lost! I came to the conclusion that exercise does make me retain water.
So I talked to my DH about it. His first answer is that it most me carbs (but remember my diet and weight have overall remained the same) and that he has never heard about retaining water due to exercise. Remember we've been together for six years, and have had a similar conversations with him, and he always tells me all different theories of why I'm not losing weight. I always end up annoyed as his words are never of support but mostly about what I'm most likely doing wrong.

All I needed was a "yeah that makes sense" or even a "don't worry about you've definitely shrunk, so it shouldn't matter" but no instead he always comes back with a counter argument or even disbelief if what I'm saying (as he's never heard about it before, but I've definitely mentioned many times over the years that I think that's a likely cause).

Sadly, I don't think I can actually talk to him about it, even though it does bother me.

He never calls me fat or anything, but as much I do think I probably look slim, I weight the same as before I had children and I was definitely chubby back then.

Please get counseling about your food issues. It sounds like food, exercise, etc. may be an unhealthy obsession for you.

As for your husband, in general men don't think like women. Women talk out a problem, men try to fix the problem. Neither is right or wrong; they are just different. I don't think it's fair to your dh for you to constantly ask about your weight, water retention, whatever and then get upset when he responds in the way he is wired to respond. To answer the question in your thread title, you are the problematic one. Get help.

Yes, but I was bigger up to when I was 34. I believe I'm still smaller than when I was 23.

My DH exercises just as much BTW. We're always comparing our workouts and even workout together over the weekends

I don't understand why you keep coming out with statements like this 'I believe I'm smaller than when I was 23' - how could we know that? Who are you trying to convince? Does it matter? Maybe you are, maybe you aren't. It's an unhealthy obsession.

Well I think it's relevant, because I was bullied for being fat/ugly. It completely destroyed my self-esteem.

I ponder about my weight, but I'm also ironically confident about it. I'll happily walk around in shorts and a crop top when it warms up. My weight bothers me, not my size.

I'm sure if I was lighter I wouldn't question if I look slim or not.

Exercising but not changing what you are eating isn’t going to help you lose weight. That is well accepted now. You might be fitter with more muscle mass, which is obviously very good for you, but not necessarily slimmer. I would also stop talking to him about it. It is very boring when other people go on about their weight. I can’t stand it. Most people know what they need to do and either do it or are unwilling to do it. Either way, no-one else needs to know, expect perhaps your doctor in some circumstances.

Well if you're happy that you look slim then enjoy your crop top and shorts as no one else even knows your weight!

Sounds like you have a bit of an unhealthy obsession with your weight.

If it's an actual scientific number you need, could you use a tape measure and ditch the scales completely? Or measure your body fat percentage? Your weight really doesn't matter if these are OK and it doesn't sound like there's anything you can do to change this due to your physiology - you just need to learn to accept this.

Sounds to me like you are quite muscular especially with the amount of exercising you are doing, and from your description of your body, and although may be "overweight" on paper you are not "fat".

You were bullied for your appearance and have no self esteem but you don't care how you look, only the number on the scales?

You've got to see your thinking around this whole subject is severely disordered. Right?

Sounds like your absolutely obsessed with your weight. It also sounds like your husband is sick of hearing about it (who can blame him) because your lives seem to revolve around nothing else. He is trying to be supportive but can only play a male supporting role, because that's what he is. So, you've got two choices. Option 1 - you stop eating so much. Option 2 - you tell your husband to agree with everything you say. Nothing else is going to work and quite frankly you know it.

Just for clarification.. you’re bothered when the scale itself doesn’t go down but the fact that you’re smaller isn’t a win?
I lost 2 dress sizes and only lost 5kg because is changed the composition of my body. Maybe he doesn’t understand your mindset?

Why should he just agree with you?

If you don't like his views, don't talk to him about it.

He's entitled to his own opinion and as long as he keeps it to himself unless you bring it up all is fine

If you want his support to lose weight then you need to allow him to be honest with you, otherwise he's just enabling you to not make any dietary changes and stay unhappy (if you are unhappy).
My husband used to be a professional fighter so we were always very interested in each others weights, what we were doing wrong, fixing the problems (I would always train/diet with him as support and because I also enjoyed it). I never once assumed he was calling me fat or something for saying "maybe you should reduce your carbs" for instance.

As an ex personal trainer based on what you've said, your diet will likely be the reason you're not losing weight so he is from what you've said trying to help, and maybe he's not being as sympathetic as you would like but if it's been 6 years of you being unhappy and nothing working then maybe he's trying to ramp it up. But also try not to focus on the scale numbers, BMI is a load of rubbish and clothes sizing is a much better indicator.

And as a side note, if you want to pm me I'm very happy to advise you on a diet plan.

I do have visible abs, and I'm a size 8
When I was away, I had at least 2000 calories a day and 2 pints...

You seem like a fit and healthy person. Your expectation of your DH to make you feel better when you discuss weight loss does not correlate with the things you expect him to say.

So here's the rub: you can't control or predict how someone reacts to something you say in a conversation.
Your expectations of your DH to make you feel better in this particular way need to change.

He clearly loves you and you share lots of interests. What are the ways he shows he loves you?

You need to be the voice inside your own head saying 'you look great, you've gained muscle and are toned, everything is just fine'.

Also, 2000 calories plus 2 pints is about 3000 cals - that's a fair amount tbf

I think im 69kgs and I'm 5ft 2. I have huge boobs and I have a typical hour glass figure which I've hated most of my life. I used to be 7stone 6 for years and after I had my boys. Almost 40 and I definitely feel my metabolism has slowed down and hormone changes with pre menopause. I had a bout of obsessing over food and exercise which was unhealthy. I am the heaviest I've ever been and sometimes I hate my big parts but in reality I am really muscly and toned. I think you maybe need to stop focusing on the weight and concentrate on body fat and how you look. I could never be a size 8 again but looking back at photos I prefer myself curvier, I look healthier.

I'm not massive on cardio other than walking. If you feel healthy and happy, the number on the scales don't matter.

Men have a totally different make up to us.

I think he’s unsupportive but I agree with him about the carbs. You can’t out exercise a bad diet so if you want to lose weight you need to look at that.

OP, you mention how slim you were at 23 and how you were bullied when you were younger. Are you Chinese or Asian by any chance? I spent quite a few years in China and the women were obsessed with getting back to their university weight.

I actually don't think I was slim when I was 23 BTW, I thought I looked OK, and was 70kg. OK not great, nor slim.

So at least I know I'm lighter, but I can't tell how much slimmer I am in comparison.

How heavy and what size were you when you were obese?

Please don’t tell us you think size 10 is obese

I was 83/85 and a size 16.

At 70kg (back then when I was 23) I was a size 12. Those clothes are too big now (I still have some of them) so I know it wasn't down to vanity sizing.

and what is your height, weight, waist size now?

Can I ask why you're comparing your body now to when you were 23 specifically?

Stop weighing yourself. It's such a bad indication of anything useful for most people.
You are a size 8, your clothes fit well and you have muscle definition and a healthy workout regime.
Ignore the scales.

After having seen your updates about your actual weight you sound like you're at a healthy weight and should maybe stop looking at the scales. You're going weight training, muscle weighs more than fat.
Have you ever previously suffered from any type of eating disorders as you sound quite obsessed with the number on the scale?
Based on your initial post I thought you were going to be obese!

If you were a 12 then and now you're an 8 then your definitely slimmer. Question answered. Please move on.