Who's the problematic one here?

[Isitameproblem]

I'll start by saying I love my DH very much but he kind be unsupportive.
I have self image issues, I struggle with my size and weight (but mostly weight).
For most of my life I've been overweight apart from a couple of years (when I mety DH).
I can reduce in size, but it's very difficult for me to lose any weight. My DH has always been skinny and overall has never been that bothered.
For the past 10 weeks we've started a new regime, I do an average of 6 hours of cardio and around 3/4 of strength training per week. I eat OK, but overall I still eat the same amount/diet as before. I really haven't lost any weight, but you can tell I've toned up considerably (especially around my arms and you can see the middle line in my abs).
My weight has remained the same, apart from when I went away for a few days and I ate all sort sof street food and didn't exercise for about 10 days. Back to my weekly routine I gained what I lost! I came to the conclusion that exercise does make me retain water.
So I talked to my DH about it. His first answer is that it most me carbs (but remember my diet and weight have overall remained the same) and that he has never heard about retaining water due to exercise. Remember we've been together for six years, and have had a similar conversations with him, and he always tells me all different theories of why I'm not losing weight. I always end up annoyed as his words are never of support but mostly about what I'm most likely doing wrong.

All I needed was a "yeah that makes sense" or even a "don't worry about you've definitely shrunk, so it shouldn't matter" but no instead he always comes back with a counter argument or even disbelief if what I'm saying (as he's never heard about it before, but I've definitely mentioned many times over the years that I think that's a likely cause).

Sadly, I don't think I can actually talk to him about it, even though it does bother me.

He never calls me fat or anything, but as much I do think I probably look slim, I weight the same as before I had children and I was definitely chubby back then.

I don't have a relationship with my sister. I'm at peace with it and it's much better for my MH. Well whenever I say anything about how that relationship messed me up, he used to come back with ways of how to fix it

He loves you. He's trying to help you. You need a therapist, he isn't one, and it is completely unfair of you to expect him to act like one.

Not with everything, but he knows that I've even tried his own theories.

Before I was diagnosed with my blood condition he said I should just eat more kale, and that clearly it was a diet based problem. It turned out it wasn't at all, but he told me for years that by changing my diet I would be fine.

When you are in a partnership with someone for years, one of the things you need to come to terms with is that they can't always be the one who does or says what you need with regards to day to day stuff. By day to day i mean things like weight loss, not big stuff like ... tragedy and death.

Keep these convos to have with people who give feedback which works for you. Friends/colleagues/other family/people at the gym.

There's subjects i don't bother with talking to DH about because he either has no opinion (hair colour, for example!) or he has a different outlook to me and it risks turning into a clash rather than a chat. He doesn't bother talking to me about the ins and outs of one of his hobbys to much because he knows i'd rather watch paint dry 😂I care that he's doing well or having fun but i don't want to chat about the details of the equipment.

There are a million and one other things we talk about happily. We stick to those. I suggest you do that OP.

You can't out train a bad diet is a popular saying for a reason 🤷

Tbh in his shoes I don't think I'd appreciate listening to you, offering a solution / trying to work through it and basically being told "unless I ask for your opinion just agree with me"!

The more you post you sound a bit like you would benefit from some therapy (not being funny saying this, you don't seem to be ok accepting others opinions in a conversation).

You're doing strength training. You have lost weight (in the form of fat) but gained muscle mass - hence your weight is the same but your shape has changed.

You say you "rarely" speak about your weight issues and yet you also say:

Yes I've told him this 20 million times. Including with weight related conversations.

Which is it?

I'm not sure what the problem is from reading your posts either. At the start of your OP you say you've been overweight most of your life and at the end of the same post, you say you think you probably do look slim.

I would just stop talking about your weight loss with him.

Yes, because he always make me feel worse. Regardless of what my issue might be. Because to him, I'm always doing something wrong.

Many years ago, when I was underemployed (and very depressed about it) he openly told me I thought I was better than I really was, and thus couldn't find decent employment.

It was not only after I got a very real and decent job offer, that he actually believed I was underemployed. Now that I've proved him wrong (so to so speak) he doesn't argue about that side of things.

Your responses are very strange OP.

Perhaps he finds your opinions and responses strange, too.

I struggle with my size and weight (but mostly weight).
I can reduce in size, but it's very difficult for me to lose any weight.

I'm a bit confused by this to be honest. If you can see yourself getting fitter/smaller/more toned what ever you want to call it, why the heck does it matter what you weigh?

When i was young we used to say that 'muscle weighed more than fat' - so dieting and getting toned would not necessarily result in actual change on the scales. I'm sure the theory behind it is poo pooh'd these days - but for what ever reason that result does seem to be what happens.

You don't need to worry about your weight. If you are reducing in size, you are losing fat. It's losing fat that matters, not losing 'weight'.

'Weight' can be anything, including water but also including muscle, which you don't want to be losing. If you are getting smaller and toning up, but your weight is staying the same, then you are losing fat and gaining muscle. That is a good thing. Muscle is much denser than fat, so a small volume of muscle weighs about the same as a large volume of fat.

Exercise is not making you retain water.

I have some sympathy with your DH here, to be honest. It sounds like you're very insecure about your body (which I can identify with a lot, because I'm insecure about mine too) and have got a bit bogged down in obsessing over numbers and water retention without really knowing what you're doing - it sounds like a case of 'a little knowledge is a dangerous thing' to me. Focus on your fitness and losing fat (ie 'toning up' and reducing your size a bit) rather than what it says on the scales. You sound like a classic example of someone with my body type. When I was at my smallest, a size 8, my BMI was still in the overweight category, because I just have a lot of muscle.

KreedKafer · Today 10:31
It's losing fat that matters, not losing 'weight'.
'Muscle is much denser than fat, so a small volume of muscle weighs about the same as a large volume of fat.

Aha! That theory is still accepted then. I'm not talking complete 😂bollocks!

He’s probably a bit frustrated that he can’t help / solve your issues and for him it’s simpler (as it is easier for men to lose weight than women).

I would just not discuss it with him.

Because I think it could be a matter of perception. Like my eyes could be deceiving me, but the scales say a different story.

The scales are actual facts/numbers. How I look, well I look at pictures from when I was 23 and I don't know if I look the same or smaller.

I know I still look slimmer than at my biggest, but I was obese, so that would be natural.

I can now see the dimples of all the different muscles, I have proper well defined biceps. So there are things that are undeniable but overall I struggle to see what's a real reflection of me. (I don't know if that made any sense, sorry if it didn't).

Good lord. Is he a bit of a know-it-all?

He sounds like a bore to talk to if he regurgitates the same advice he has given previously, without listening.

It sounds as if your partner acts like he is the expert on your life - which is weird. Do you think he lacks the skills needed to ask questions and listen? Or is he not aware of, nor curious about other people's thoughts and feelings about their own lives?

Honestly, he’s just probably sick of hearing about your weight. Sorry if that sounds unkind. I am not unsupportive of your quest to change your body, but it’s probably not as important to him as it is to you.

I’m kind of with your DH - I don’t see the point in talking about a problem. I’d much rather talk about a solution.

You should learn to trust your eyes and throw the scales out. The number on the scales doesn't mean anything in terms of either your health (the important thing) or your image.

As someone who exercises for health reasons, it must be very frustrating for him to have to listen to your fixation on weight, because there's a point at which that fixation becomes unhealthy (not to say tedious). He's giving you advice from the health perspective because it's the only one that matters.

I also find it very frustrating when people "vent" to me without wanting to hear a solution. Surely if something is bothering you then you want a fix for it.

Exercise will help, but you need to go into calorie deficit to lose weight. Try a food diary and complete it meticulously, Myfitnesspal is a good app (something like that).

I’m team DH I’m afraid, I can’t bear people moaning about the same thing over and over again if they just want to moan. You say you feel like he’s saying it is something you’re doing wrong - who else would it be? It’s usually calorie intake if you’re not losing, unfortunately it’s that simple.

I guess in this very particular example, the correct answer would have been... But have you seen your arms/chest? (As those are the more visible ones). Or even say ,"that's definitely an interesting pattern".

I wasn't saying I had a problem, if anything that I found an explanation to something illogical. (Losing weight after falling off the wagon and gaining it back once being stricter with diet/exercise).

Yes, and I've done that. For YEARS now. Which how more or less I've maintained after losing the baby weight.

What changes is my muscle tone/size not my weight.

You are weight loss obsessed to an unhealthy degree. You have a definite problem with this. Under the circumstances I don't think anything your husband can say would be helpful.

You have followed an extreme regime for a few weeks but also eaten very unhealthily and stopped exercising for about 10% of that time. No wonder your weight is fluctuating.

Assuming there are no undisclosed health issues, what will get you to a maintained healthy weight is a sustained period of balanced food and exercise. Intermittent purging and binging will just exacerbate your problems - as you have discovered.

So you've told him something 20 million times, you go NC but have to keep talking about it. Poor bloke must be bored to death.

I think if my clothes are getting too tight I'm gaining, if my clothes are to loose I'm getting smaller. It always seems the easiest way to me.

Agree with the 'men want to provide solutions'. If DH starts doing that I tell him I'm not wanting solutions that I've already considered from him, I'm wanting sympathetic noises while I have a moan before I go and sort out the issue. Then depending on his mood he'll either make taking the piss sympathetic noises or he'll grumpily tell me he doesn't want to hear me moaning.

I've never had a female friend tell me what to do when I have a moan, the conversation is much more likely to be sympathetic noises, outrageous suggestions intended to make me laugh and feel better, or an open question like 'what are you thinking about doing next?'

The only time you should offer solutions to a problem is a) you are a boss or mentor to the colleague you are talking to b) you are a parent or other adult relative of the child or young adult you are speaking to or c) you are a professional being asked for advice by a client. Generally in a social situation your advice is not wanted.