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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH blaming me for being tired

113 replies

BMCoffee · 04/04/2024 01:12

Context: married 10 years, have an 8yo, 4yo and 1yo. Youngest is a terrible sleeper, so we cosleep and I do all the night wakes as I can settle her quickly and she sleeps longer periods when I'm next to her. It works for us as dh can get a night's rest / listen out for the others, and then takes over early so I can get some rest.

Issue: last night our 1yo was unusually unsettled, sleeping in 20 minute chunks and screaming for half an hour every wake from 7pm-1am, I think she had an ear ache as she was pulling on her ear and she seemed in pain. We gave her calpol but it didn't make a huge difference.

Just after midnight I asked DH to take her for a few hours so I could get some rest, as I knew I'd be in for a rough night. DH who was up faffing on his laptop said "yes sure". He managed to get her down in her room, then came to bed and went to sleep. 1yo woke up at 1am, and DH woke me up telling me to go to her, which in my sleepy state I did. I brought her in and checked the time, and asked him why he isn't helping. He got instantly defensive, telling me he got her down and went to bed (yes I see that), and didn't look at the time when he heard her. Made no effort to get up and help while I was up rocking her to sleep. I said that's not what we agreed, and he said he didn't understand what I had meant (I literally asked him to be responsible for her for a few hours while I slept, and he had agreed). Convenient. I said he needed to go and sleep in her bed (toddler bed, single mattress), while I sleep in our bed with the baby, so I can hand over in the morning and know he's had some rest. After some protesting about that (he needed a blanket, i suggested he finds one - there are loads), he went. Baby went to sleep and only woke briefly twice between about 1.30 and 7am. I handed her off to dh at 7.15, thinking DH had had a solid 6 hours uninterrupted sleep.

My AIBU: DH just told me now that he is so tired as he didn't get to sleep until 3am. I asked him why not, and he said "our argument put me in a mood and I couldn't sleep". So apparently I am at fault for this. While I looked after our sick child, I was apparently also responsible for my fully grown husband's poor sleep hygeine (going to bed late for no reason, looking at his phone while in bed, getting worked up that I was annoyed with him for not helping). AIBU to think it is a) not my fault he is tired now, and b) not really on for him to be cross at me after I did all the work last night with the baby except for the 20 minutes he had her for at midnight?

Oh and ...* *It is not the first time he's been tired after not looking after himself - he falls asleep on the sofa for half the night and then complains he is tired the next day (after I've done the nights with the baby), and other times watching tv on his phone until really late. If I am tired, I go to bed, and if I choose to stay up, I certainly don't get cranky at other people for being tired. Meanwhile, I'm exhausted after hearing the baby scream for hours on end and getting a very broken night's sleep (on top of 15 months without a full night's sleep). I know it's not the tired olympics, but it feels pretty shitty.

What now? I am in the room with him, both of us wfh. I didn't reply to him saying it was our argument, worried I'd say something I'll regret. What would you say?

OP posts:
MumChp · 04/04/2024 01:14

Do you both work?

Your husband could fuss less. Tell him.

Original poster
BMCoffee · 04/04/2024 01:16

MumChp · 04/04/2024 01:14

Do you both work?

Your husband could fuss less. Tell him.

Yes we both work. I work part time (2.5 days) and he does full time. Today is a work day for both of us (we're in Australia so it's Thursday already here).

If I told him to fuss less, he'd get into such a strop.

OP posts:
MumChp · 04/04/2024 01:19

BMCoffee · 04/04/2024 01:16

Yes we both work. I work part time (2.5 days) and he does full time. Today is a work day for both of us (we're in Australia so it's Thursday already here).

If I told him to fuss less, he'd get into such a strop.

Show quote history

If you work part time I think it's fair you have more childcare at night but of course he needs to do his part.

Let him get stroppy. He is a parent. No a todler.

Sweetheart7 · 04/04/2024 04:34

I think for ear ache you need to get that checked ASAP in fact I would of gone to A&E for a baby that was unsettled!

PearTreeBoat · 04/04/2024 06:03

Although I agree your DH shouldn't be blaming his tiredness on you personally, surely, it's the perils of having a young baby, I'm also not sure how you thought a fully grown adult would have a "solid, uninterrupted" sleep in a toddler's bed.
Sounds like you are both being a bit unreasonable as well as not unreasonable.

Daffidale · 04/04/2024 06:05

You both sound tired, sleep deprived and cranky. No one is at their best at 1am in the morning. No it’s not the tired olympics, but he can be tired too.

I’m not sure he was really blaming you for him being tired, or just factually stating the argument meant he couldn’t sleep.

It sounds like you both need to be a bit more compassionate and supportive of one another.

IWillBeWaxingAnOwl · 04/04/2024 06:07

Best to frame it as a we problem not a you problem - we both need to work out how to get more quality sleep. Answer is likely much earlier to bed, no screens in bed, pre planned times each do wake-ups for littlest.

haveyoutriedturningitoffandonagain · 04/04/2024 06:07

Daffidale · 04/04/2024 06:05

You both sound tired, sleep deprived and cranky. No one is at their best at 1am in the morning. No it’s not the tired olympics, but he can be tired too.

I’m not sure he was really blaming you for him being tired, or just factually stating the argument meant he couldn’t sleep.

It sounds like you both need to be a bit more compassionate and supportive of one another.

Yeah sounds like he was going oh that argument was shit I couldn't sleep after that

HungryandIknowit · 04/04/2024 06:11

I would get a single bed for the toddler so your husband can sleep in it comfortably, tell him that his poor sleep hygiene is now affecting you both negatively and ask him to sort it out, and try not to get into competitive tiredness. All the best!

AuContraire · 04/04/2024 06:12

Sweetheart7 · 04/04/2024 04:34

I think for ear ache you need to get that checked ASAP in fact I would of gone to A&E for a baby that was unsettled!

Don't be ridiculous.

ParsonsPont · 04/04/2024 06:18

It sounds like you’re both exhausted. Because you work part time it does make sense that you do more of the wake ups, but you seem to think only you have the right to complain about being tired. He can be tired too.

I have a 3 year old and a 5 month old. 3 year old has always been a terrible sleeper and now the 5 month old wakes several times too. I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in 3 years and I have done all night wake ups with DH helping occasionally (breastfed both). When he’s had a bad night with one of them he does complain he’s tired, but immediately follows with not as tired as you. But being tired isn’t a competition that the more exhausted one has exclusive rights to.

But we both agree that night rage is a thing and exhaustion is worst at night time. And we don’t hold it against each other should one of us (usually me…) snap at the other when having a difficult night. You need to work as a team whereas your post is very much about you and him separately.

ParsonsPont · 04/04/2024 06:19

AuContraire · 04/04/2024 06:12

Don't be ridiculous.

Show quote history

Glad someone else said it!

user1492757084 · 04/04/2024 06:24

I would have taken the baby to the doctor for the ear ache today, given that the paracetamol did not work.
You don't want a repeat of the sleepless child in pain.

I put it all down to two over tired parents.
Give each other a break and go to bed earlier, both of you.

Hopefully your one year old will learn to sleep in it's own bed.

Would the child sleep all night if it shared a room with a sibling?

Codlingmoths · 04/04/2024 06:32

It sounds like for his own sleep he needs to do what js asked more often since the op is done with not getting much support overnight and won’t let him get away with not delivering on the planned support. Thats how to stop the arguments.

Veryverycalmnow · 04/04/2024 06:48

I'd try and talk about it once you're both feeling a bit more reasonable and less tired, if that is possible- most likely it'll blow over and just part of normal tiredness that comes with having kids and the inevitable arguments. If you want to make sure he understands why you were unhappy with him not fulfilling his end of the deal (giving you a few hours sleep) you'll need to drag it out and have a proper talk about it. I do think he needs to get to bed earlier if he wants sleep and you've got 3 kids. It's just common sense.

Pulling ears can be a sign of teething, but who knows with babies. It's so hard. I'd get to the pharmacy if paracetamol hasn't worked and they're still in lots of pain.
Good luck.

donthaveaname · 04/04/2024 06:52

Sweetheart7 · 04/04/2024 04:34

I think for ear ache you need to get that checked ASAP in fact I would of gone to A&E for a baby that was unsettled!

Really???

Didimum · 04/04/2024 06:56

Was he blaming you or just blaming the argument? That’s not the same thing.

I also think you were being a bit of a martyr. If you’d agreed you were the one getting the rest during that period, why didn’t you hand her off and go sleep in the toddler bed yourself?

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/04/2024 07:40

YANBU but you really need to get your baby checked out. They can lose their hearing from an untreated infection.

ManchesterBeatrice · 04/04/2024 07:46

It is not HELP, it's parenting.

Change this language as it creates the illusion that it's your responsibility

Sweetheart7 · 04/04/2024 07:53

donthaveaname · 04/04/2024 06:52

Really???

Show quote history

Is that what you have to add to the thread?

JosieJones1987 · 04/04/2024 08:00

ManchesterBeatrice · 04/04/2024 07:46

It is not HELP, it's parenting.

Change this language as it creates the illusion that it's your responsibility

It is mostly her responsibility because she works part time.

Sweetheart7 · 04/04/2024 08:03

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/04/2024 07:40

YANBU but you really need to get your baby checked out. They can lose their hearing from an untreated infection.

Exactly. I had this with DS on holiday I had to get him antibiotics. I don't know why posters are sniping.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 04/04/2024 08:05

MumChp · 04/04/2024 01:19

If you work part time I think it's fair you have more childcare at night but of course he needs to do his part.

Let him get stroppy. He is a parent. No a todler.

Show quote history

She (probably) also has considerably more childcare during the day!

fieldsofbutterflies · 04/04/2024 08:07

I wouldn't say anything as he needs to get a grip, frankly.

Mummame2222 · 04/04/2024 08:13

AuContraire · 04/04/2024 06:12

Don't be ridiculous.

Show quote history

GPs have sent my young children to A&E with throat infections and ear infections. Child get very unwell very quickly with these things and need to be seen to rule out anything more sinister.