DH blaming me for being tired

[BMCoffee]

Context: married 10 years, have an 8yo, 4yo and 1yo. Youngest is a terrible sleeper, so we cosleep and I do all the night wakes as I can settle her quickly and she sleeps longer periods when I'm next to her. It works for us as dh can get a night's rest / listen out for the others, and then takes over early so I can get some rest.

Issue: last night our 1yo was unusually unsettled, sleeping in 20 minute chunks and screaming for half an hour every wake from 7pm-1am, I think she had an ear ache as she was pulling on her ear and she seemed in pain. We gave her calpol but it didn't make a huge difference.

Just after midnight I asked DH to take her for a few hours so I could get some rest, as I knew I'd be in for a rough night. DH who was up faffing on his laptop said "yes sure". He managed to get her down in her room, then came to bed and went to sleep. 1yo woke up at 1am, and DH woke me up telling me to go to her, which in my sleepy state I did. I brought her in and checked the time, and asked him why he isn't helping. He got instantly defensive, telling me he got her down and went to bed (yes I see that), and didn't look at the time when he heard her. Made no effort to get up and help while I was up rocking her to sleep. I said that's not what we agreed, and he said he didn't understand what I had meant (I literally asked him to be responsible for her for a few hours while I slept, and he had agreed). Convenient. I said he needed to go and sleep in her bed (toddler bed, single mattress), while I sleep in our bed with the baby, so I can hand over in the morning and know he's had some rest. After some protesting about that (he needed a blanket, i suggested he finds one - there are loads), he went. Baby went to sleep and only woke briefly twice between about 1.30 and 7am. I handed her off to dh at 7.15, thinking DH had had a solid 6 hours uninterrupted sleep.

My AIBU: DH just told me now that he is so tired as he didn't get to sleep until 3am. I asked him why not, and he said "our argument put me in a mood and I couldn't sleep". So apparently I am at fault for this. While I looked after our sick child, I was apparently also responsible for my fully grown husband's poor sleep hygeine (going to bed late for no reason, looking at his phone while in bed, getting worked up that I was annoyed with him for not helping). AIBU to think it is a) not my fault he is tired now, and b) not really on for him to be cross at me after I did all the work last night with the baby except for the 20 minutes he had her for at midnight?

Oh and ...* *It is not the first time he's been tired after not looking after himself - he falls asleep on the sofa for half the night and then complains he is tired the next day (after I've done the nights with the baby), and other times watching tv on his phone until really late. If I am tired, I go to bed, and if I choose to stay up, I certainly don't get cranky at other people for being tired. Meanwhile, I'm exhausted after hearing the baby scream for hours on end and getting a very broken night's sleep (on top of 15 months without a full night's sleep). I know it's not the tired olympics, but it feels pretty shitty.

What now? I am in the room with him, both of us wfh. I didn't reply to him saying it was our argument, worried I'd say something I'll regret. What would you say?

This.

Will be hard work with 2 already young children and a 1yr old. Maybe you both need a babysitter once youngest is well enough and spend some quality time on each other. The being up late on his phone and on laptop sounds like he might be trying to use these as an escape of sorts from the manic life at home. Does he go out much BTW? I noticed the OP said he works from home? Could also be 'cabin fever' from both of you too, living on top of each other, sleep deprived, poorly child. Can cause a lot of stress in the house.

What the heck?!

My mum was a stay at home mum back in the 80s. My dad did half of the night wakings despite a long commute and physical job because he wasn't a selfish arse and didn't want to leave her knackered looking after his child.

It's the bare minimum to share the amount of sleep you each get as evenly as you can.

AIBU to think it is a) not my fault he is tired now, and b) not really on for him to be cross at me after I did all the work last night with the baby except for the 20 minutes he had her for at midnight?

YANBU for either of those things. He doesn't get to be cross at you because he's tired or blame you for it!

Can you work out shifts between you so you each get a decent period of uninterrupted sleep?

I will say this until I am blue in the face. Co sleeping is a nightmare. You’re treating the symptoms not the cause. Put the 1 year old to bed in their own bed repeatedly until they stay there.

You actually have four children. Unfortunately one of them is your DH.

I tend to think 99% of the relationship posts on AIBU aren't really questions about reason, but desperate pleas for someone to validate the awful way their husband has behaved. And, tbh, I think it typically marks the beginning of the end of the relationship. Because if you have to ask a bunch of strangers to point out the obvious because he's done such a good job of evading responsibility for his behaviour, he's not going to improve.

On this occasion, I do think there is a slight mitigating factor. Sleeplessness does tend to make everyone a bit irrational. The question is, is he like this when he's had a full night's sleep? Obviously telling you he didn't understand at 1am was weaponised incompetence. Obviously. But the rest of it is more concerning if he's like this whether he's had sleep or not.

Only you know that. A red flag for me is you being nervous to tell him not to fuss because he'll throw a strop. If your relationship is healthy, you should be able to tell your partner when their behaviour is out of character and/or out of line. Because they should have the emotional maturity to take a step back and look objectively at the situation. If he can't do that, he's probably not going to get any better at it.

I know this is not what you were asking about but sometimes acid reflux can cause very painful burning in the inner ear (it comes up from the throat). It is worse when lying down, so the pain can be a lot worse at night.

You can try an over the counter anti acid like gaviscon and if that works maybe ask your doctor for a proton pump inhibiter prescription as these will have a strong effect on the pain (although can also cause other problems like food malabsorption).

Waking up at 1am would fit in with this timescale. It is enough time for acid to travel up from the stomach. If your baby is not screaming the rest of the time, and its only something that wakes them from sleep, this may be the answer. Pain killers can help a bit, but they wont stop the acid, which is what you need to do. Both to stop the pain completely and to stop the baby's ears being damaged by acid.

I never co-slept with any of my kids, and they all were good sleepers unless poorly. Your child will never learn to self soothe if they're permanently attached to you and it does them no favours short or long term. The truth is that it's just easier for you. And when you're tired it's really hard to see that you're the root cause of the problem.

Talk to your DH, both get on board with how you're going to sleep train, write it down and stick on the bedroom door, and life will get much easier for you both.

I'd have said next time come back and see to your child so at least one of us can get some sleep

Agree, if it was earache it can waIt till morning and get a doctors appointment. As a mother of 2 children , I've been there and sometimes the tiredness especially with 3 children , 2 sick it takes it out of you. Just have a conversation about him temporarily sleeping on the sofa while the children are un well. Then return to normal.

Sounded really hard, hope things got a bit better.

I think the lack of communication is key here. I think you may have needed to be much more specific in "can you watch the child so I can get two hours sleep? I can take over from 2am and do the wake ups from then". I think you were a little vague so he was very much pass the child back I want to go to sleep. Not blaming you in the slightest, just trying to assess how you've communicated your needs to him.

My DD was hard as a newborn and DH would take over from 7pm and I'd go to bed. At 10pm he'd stir me gently and I'd breastfeed whilst half asleep. He'd then stay up until midnight before coming up. At that point he'd bring her to bed and I'd take over 12am-5am. I was on maternity so not working but it meant I got some sleep albeit broken, but he got a solid 5 hours sleep to be ok for work and absolutely no resentment towards each other. Then when either DD or DS have been ill in the night since (3&4) we still adopt similar if we know it's going to be a tough night.

Seriously??

You should take the baby to get his ears checked.

You need to sit down with H and tell him he's a parent, not your helper, and that parenting is a 24 /7 role for both of you.

Then work out a schedule where you alternate nights ahead of days you both work, and you do nights ahead of days you're off.

On days you're off work after doing nights, you get to rest and recover, not dash through housework on top of sleepless nights. He can do cleaning and provide meals on those days instead of faffing on his computer.

When you're both off, divide up chores between you, and both can contribute to parenting.

Make sure you get the details all set out on a planner or you may be told the discussion never happened.

Do not try settling arrangements on an ad hoc basis, especially at 1 in the morning.

It doesn’t sound like he blamed you. When you are tired you are bound to be cranky - it seems like he is tired too. Leave it for a bit and then when you are both able to have a conversation (like when kids are in bed) explain that you don’t think the current arrangements are working and suggest something else. This could be - if he likes to stay up late, that you go to bed at 9 and he does all wakes up until 2am. That way you can have 5 hours uninterrupted sleep (I would recommend earplugs). Then he can have 5 hours uninterrupted sleep until 7am.
and you can both have whatever sleep either side of that the baby allows.

if he isn’t happy with that ask why? And for alternative suggestions. Don’t let him palm off night wakings as your job. You are equal parents who both work so you should be able to do this equally.
I would also suggest putting a full size single mattress In the babies room or wherever else it will fit so that if someone has the baby the other can sleep somewhere else.
this is only a phase - kids grow up and this won’t be an issue in a year probably. i promise it won’t last forever!

Yes, this! I'm confused too.
As far as I can tell, DH had the child down in own bed from 10pm till 1am. OP was able to sleep from 10-1. That was what all that was asked of him.
That's a few hours sleep for OP, surely?

Considering OP stated that youngest normally wakes hourly, this is a bonus. It's not DHs fault the child slept when it was on his watch.
Maybe the child sleeping for a longer period in own room, should indicate to OP to consider ceasing with the co-sleeping.
Just a thought. ......

Also, sounded like OP was quite off with him. Also dragging up the past onto arguments at 1am is never a good way to go.
That argument would be upsetting. I can see why DH would have trouble sleeping after that.

OP is understandably very tired. I wouldn't cope with waking up hourly. However, to say effectively "just because he's tired doesn't mean he can take it out on me. I don't get cranky with him when I'm tired"

OP clearly does get cranky and take it out on him when tired.......

I'm not saying he's innocent BTW. But as other PPs have said, BOTH need to be more understanding of the other and teamwork is needed. It's shouldn't be an OP V DH kinda situation.

I think you misread the OP. She asked him to have the baby for a few hours at midnight, he agreed but then he woke her up before 1am, so less than an hour for OP.

It doesn't read as OP being cranky to me, more that she rightly asked him why he'd woken her up when he had agreed to let her sleep.

Ah. Thanks. I had indeed misread read it 🤦🏼‍♀️.

In that case, it changes things significantly.
He agreed to something then backed out. Bad form.

How is sleep training going to help with a toddler with an ear ache? No one needs to co-sleep, but co-sleeping doesn’t inhibit self soothing. My two sleep very well, my toddler no longer co-sleeps, baby does and wakes for a couple of quick nurses during the night - no sleep training or restriction of any parental support at night necessary.

A&E for ear ache?! 🤦‍♀️. Its not life threatening....you only need some antibiotics from a gp in the morning.

It seems to be a man thing to not be able to manage their own sleep. My son 3yo has always been an early riser and as I work from home with flexible hours (42.5 HR week) I start at 4am and he cares for our son from waking till 8.30 when he goes to pre school for the morning. Despite this he always watches and plays with his phone till late, falls asleep on the sofa and comes to bed late then wonders why he is tired. I would do all night wakings if needed as I am the one upstairs.

We now have a 3 month old too, so he has to deal with the 3yo night wakings which are every night once for some reason. I am with the baby yet he still struggles to sleep and moans he is tired.

The other day he moaned about his tired he was after I only got 4hrs of broken up sleep and well it didn't go down well he soon realised he had the better end of the deal!

@Sweetheart7 A&E for an earache?? Unless accompanied with a temperature it’s very unlikely to be an infection. My 3 YO had an earache this week so I took her to Boots the next morning, pharmacist took a look and said it was a build up of dried wax and told me what to buy. Deffo not worthy of A&E!

I never get the rationale that the working parent is more deserving of sleep… like it’s not ok to work while sleep deprived, but sure, go ahead and be responsible for 3 little lives on very little sleep.

just because being a stay at home parent isn’t a ‘paid’ job, doesn’t mean they’re any less deserving of rest ….

Thank god that it doesn't sound like anyone is listening to you.

So because I work part time and my partner works full time that means I have more parental responsibility? He laid down and made them kids with me my partner works 70 hours a week and will sort the kids in the night if I don’t wake first and will get up a couple days in the week so I can sleep. You don’t get a pass because your partner works part time.