DH blaming me for being tired

[BMCoffee]

Context: married 10 years, have an 8yo, 4yo and 1yo. Youngest is a terrible sleeper, so we cosleep and I do all the night wakes as I can settle her quickly and she sleeps longer periods when I'm next to her. It works for us as dh can get a night's rest / listen out for the others, and then takes over early so I can get some rest.

Issue: last night our 1yo was unusually unsettled, sleeping in 20 minute chunks and screaming for half an hour every wake from 7pm-1am, I think she had an ear ache as she was pulling on her ear and she seemed in pain. We gave her calpol but it didn't make a huge difference.

Just after midnight I asked DH to take her for a few hours so I could get some rest, as I knew I'd be in for a rough night. DH who was up faffing on his laptop said "yes sure". He managed to get her down in her room, then came to bed and went to sleep. 1yo woke up at 1am, and DH woke me up telling me to go to her, which in my sleepy state I did. I brought her in and checked the time, and asked him why he isn't helping. He got instantly defensive, telling me he got her down and went to bed (yes I see that), and didn't look at the time when he heard her. Made no effort to get up and help while I was up rocking her to sleep. I said that's not what we agreed, and he said he didn't understand what I had meant (I literally asked him to be responsible for her for a few hours while I slept, and he had agreed). Convenient. I said he needed to go and sleep in her bed (toddler bed, single mattress), while I sleep in our bed with the baby, so I can hand over in the morning and know he's had some rest. After some protesting about that (he needed a blanket, i suggested he finds one - there are loads), he went. Baby went to sleep and only woke briefly twice between about 1.30 and 7am. I handed her off to dh at 7.15, thinking DH had had a solid 6 hours uninterrupted sleep.

My AIBU: DH just told me now that he is so tired as he didn't get to sleep until 3am. I asked him why not, and he said "our argument put me in a mood and I couldn't sleep". So apparently I am at fault for this. While I looked after our sick child, I was apparently also responsible for my fully grown husband's poor sleep hygeine (going to bed late for no reason, looking at his phone while in bed, getting worked up that I was annoyed with him for not helping). AIBU to think it is a) not my fault he is tired now, and b) not really on for him to be cross at me after I did all the work last night with the baby except for the 20 minutes he had her for at midnight?

Oh and ...* *It is not the first time he's been tired after not looking after himself - he falls asleep on the sofa for half the night and then complains he is tired the next day (after I've done the nights with the baby), and other times watching tv on his phone until really late. If I am tired, I go to bed, and if I choose to stay up, I certainly don't get cranky at other people for being tired. Meanwhile, I'm exhausted after hearing the baby scream for hours on end and getting a very broken night's sleep (on top of 15 months without a full night's sleep). I know it's not the tired olympics, but it feels pretty shitty.

What now? I am in the room with him, both of us wfh. I didn't reply to him saying it was our argument, worried I'd say something I'll regret. What would you say?

Seriously?!?
That is neither an accident or an emergency

You should sleep train the child.

You both need rest and a lot more understanding, you're in this together, it isn't a point scoring exercise. The nights when you're off and he's working you absolutely should be doing a little more, but either way of you want to work as a couple then give and take rather than looking for external validation.

Sometimes cosleeping is the only way anybody's going to get any rest. It's utter tosh that they'll do it forever as anybody with an older child will tell you. Babies need human contact and adults need rest.

You would go to A&E for an unsettled baby?!

Or you should consider whether you are prepared to meet your child's needs at night before having children?

see the thing is… it IS the tired Olympics but in order to survive it you both have to realise you’re on the same team, not opposing teams. It’s a relay.

Sleep deprivation is horrible - there’s a reason it’s used as a form of torture. Try to keep talking in the middle of the night to a minimum - sleep rage is absolutely a thing. We try to minimise our frustration at night and communicate during the day.

were on second DC - DH was amazing with sharing the night wakes with our eldest who was a Covid baby and very daddy oriented. New DD is VERY different and is a huge mummy clinger so settles much better with me and so I do a lot of the night wakes (and fair enough because I’m on Mat leave at the mo)

When I say it’s a relay it’s a lot of give and take. Recently my DH has been really poorly and has had big work deadlines so I have been taking on pretty much all the overnight wakes and house duties but now he’s through the worst of it he’s picking up his side again. There’s been a few snaps and harsh words where I’ve been so tired and I have been feeling frustrated that he’s been overworking himself and refusing to rest and get better basically stringing out the illness… but we’re a team and we’re on the same side.

it does sound like maybe you need to have a gentle word about sleep hygiene and the things he can do to help himself feel better rested. Also we have found a game changer to be making sure we reconnect every now and again. We find we are the most snappy and crabby when we haven’t spoken properly for days and we feel disconnected and distant.

good luck OP - as you know it’s not forever. Sleep will come again.

The worst sleeper I know of (now a teen) was sleep trained. It worked for about 18 months. It’s no panacea.

It’s had some thanks. Thank god eh.

Thanks for all the replies.

To those who are telling me to sleep train or stop cosleeping, thanks for your input there but we won't be taking that advice. I sleep trained my eldest, it worked for a few months and then wore off, and she's still has trouble going to sleep at 8yo (no we dont cosleep with her), so it was clearly her temperament. It also contributed to my post partum anxiety, going against all my instincts to care for my distressed child and taking responsibility for her "terrible sleep" (aka normal infant sleep patterns).

We didn't sleep train our middle child, who started sleeping through before 1 on their own and sleeps like a log except for the odd night where they have a nightmare and call out. Third baby we tried some gentle sleep training, but she doesn't have the temperament for it and I could have continued to hear her scream and cry and escalate to the point of throwing up.. or I could respond to my baby's needs and comfort her. I chose the latter. It works for us, and we get a much better night if we're in together. No she won't be in with us when she's a teenager, but honestly if she's 15 and has trouble sleeping one night I'm pretty sure I'll want her to know I'll be there for her. I'm her mum ffs.

(and to the poster who said just put my kids in their own bed and they'll sleep for 8-10 hours.. umm can you tell my kids that? lol)

Thanks also for the advice regarding the actual aibu. Agree wholeheartedly that we are both tired and snappy. I think there are bigger issues at play in terms of how we balance things. I don't agree that just because I'm part time I need to do all night wakings without complaining (why do people still think paid work is more important than caregiving?), particularly on the nights before we both do (paid) work.

We need to rebalance things and start communicating about this stuff in the daytime or at least when we're not both under stress and exhausted.

That’s pretty much it OP: communicate when you aren’t both tired and try to work together. Sleep deprivation is actually a form of torture so it’s no wonder parents get cranky.

I also think you are right about the temperaments of dcs. They do come with their own needs and tempers and there isn’t a manual that works across the board. Good luck.

She’s doing the majority of the giving whilst he is doing the majority of the taking. She’s taking on the brunt of the burden of child rearing in that house hold. He clearly does not see it that way, even though he clearly does a lot, a lot less than her regarding the children, house work etc.

Working part time is still working though. She works 50% of his hours yet does 100% of the night wake ups. She had asked him to do two hours out of a 10 hour stretch, which he couldn't do. She she had asked him to do 20% of one night, to her 80%. How is that fair?

It’s not fair. Seemingly the rules are still different for men, in regards to children rearing and taking care of the house etc. In this world a woman could be working 34 hours, but that still would be considered “part time” to the man’s 35 hours, full time work. And therefore, still is expected to be responsible for the majority of house work and child rearing, 24/7. Very unfair

What was wrong with a child having their own bed and their own bed time routine? It works for us all in the 80s, 90s and 00s.

It messes up your sleep, DPs sleep, DCs sleep, relationships.

@Isitovernow123 there’s nothing wrong with it if it works for the family, no one’s saying there’s a problem with it. Co-sleeping works better for some families and some children. OP has explained her situation in the latest update.

@BMCoffee - you say at the beginning of your post 'it works for us'. It clearly doesn't. Seems to me that none of you sleep.

This

You’re both tired and fed up of being woken up. It’s not a competition of who did what and who did more. Sit down and talk about it, listen even if he says soemthing you don’t like or agree with and visa versa. It shocks me how many couples don’t know how to work on resolving things

It’s kibdctgese threads. The problem is many people now equate listening or compromise with being a doormat so there’s not much hope .

Her partner gets to work FT because she is caring for the children. Which is quite honestly FAR HARDER than being in a paid job.

Speak for yourself. I'd rather be nodding off as a SAHM than a pilot with 300 passengers onboard. I recently drove a 40 ton truck around Brum city centre for 12 hours after barely sleeping a wink. That wasn't fun either. A moment's loss of concentration and you've squashed a cyclist.

@BMCoffee

Good on you for sticking to your guns with the sleep training.

As the husband is working from home - as is the OP - it’s safe to assume neither of them are pilots or truck drivers….

Yes, there are some jobs (or commutes) where tiredness can kill but that’s not the case here.

It was a general statement, though, that looking after kids is 'FAR HARDER than being in a paid job'. Being a trucker or a pilot is a paid job.

I've also seen that sentiment expressed many times in the past on here. I always reflect that the poster may have gone part time at 30yo and never had a really stressful senior job. I certainly don't envy some of my friends in the legal sector with the hours they do.

Wtf! You can’t be serious?