DH blaming me for being tired

[BMCoffee]

Context: married 10 years, have an 8yo, 4yo and 1yo. Youngest is a terrible sleeper, so we cosleep and I do all the night wakes as I can settle her quickly and she sleeps longer periods when I'm next to her. It works for us as dh can get a night's rest / listen out for the others, and then takes over early so I can get some rest.

Issue: last night our 1yo was unusually unsettled, sleeping in 20 minute chunks and screaming for half an hour every wake from 7pm-1am, I think she had an ear ache as she was pulling on her ear and she seemed in pain. We gave her calpol but it didn't make a huge difference.

Just after midnight I asked DH to take her for a few hours so I could get some rest, as I knew I'd be in for a rough night. DH who was up faffing on his laptop said "yes sure". He managed to get her down in her room, then came to bed and went to sleep. 1yo woke up at 1am, and DH woke me up telling me to go to her, which in my sleepy state I did. I brought her in and checked the time, and asked him why he isn't helping. He got instantly defensive, telling me he got her down and went to bed (yes I see that), and didn't look at the time when he heard her. Made no effort to get up and help while I was up rocking her to sleep. I said that's not what we agreed, and he said he didn't understand what I had meant (I literally asked him to be responsible for her for a few hours while I slept, and he had agreed). Convenient. I said he needed to go and sleep in her bed (toddler bed, single mattress), while I sleep in our bed with the baby, so I can hand over in the morning and know he's had some rest. After some protesting about that (he needed a blanket, i suggested he finds one - there are loads), he went. Baby went to sleep and only woke briefly twice between about 1.30 and 7am. I handed her off to dh at 7.15, thinking DH had had a solid 6 hours uninterrupted sleep.

My AIBU: DH just told me now that he is so tired as he didn't get to sleep until 3am. I asked him why not, and he said "our argument put me in a mood and I couldn't sleep". So apparently I am at fault for this. While I looked after our sick child, I was apparently also responsible for my fully grown husband's poor sleep hygeine (going to bed late for no reason, looking at his phone while in bed, getting worked up that I was annoyed with him for not helping). AIBU to think it is a) not my fault he is tired now, and b) not really on for him to be cross at me after I did all the work last night with the baby except for the 20 minutes he had her for at midnight?

Oh and ...* *It is not the first time he's been tired after not looking after himself - he falls asleep on the sofa for half the night and then complains he is tired the next day (after I've done the nights with the baby), and other times watching tv on his phone until really late. If I am tired, I go to bed, and if I choose to stay up, I certainly don't get cranky at other people for being tired. Meanwhile, I'm exhausted after hearing the baby scream for hours on end and getting a very broken night's sleep (on top of 15 months without a full night's sleep). I know it's not the tired olympics, but it feels pretty shitty.

What now? I am in the room with him, both of us wfh. I didn't reply to him saying it was our argument, worried I'd say something I'll regret. What would you say?

If he already couldn't sleep, why didn't he get up and take over child duties?

Unpopular opinion, but some overhaul of the sleeping arrangement is needed. 1 year old needs to learn to sleep in own bed or you will have this for a few more years. If anyone else is reading this and has a newborn, and you want to sleep, then don't co-sleep in same bed, and put baby in own room at 7 months, Leaving it later will be hard for them, and you.

if there is one bit of advice I can pass on, it is this! Babies don't need to sleep with you in your bed. In your room til 6 months, then into their own room. EVERYONE will sleep better and therefore be happier in the day.

yep.

they should be listening. 100% correct.

having your baby in their own room doesn't mean their needs aren't met.

if you 'sleep train' a baby there shouldn't be a situation where they are distressed? It works.

It's her third baby, I think she knows what she's doing.

I don't think you actually understand sleep training. Sleep training means getting a baby or child to sleep alone when they would prefer to sleep with their parent. That means they have to learn that their parent won't come when they call them. Studies show that their cortisol levels stay as high when they are silent as when they are crying - they are just conserving energy as they don't know when they will need it having apparently been abandoned. I totally get that babies waking is really hard. It is. And I also get that desperate parents may try sleep training. But to say they aren't distressed is simply not true.

Maybe address the child’s sleep issues and try to sort that out once and for all.

If he is going to sit up playing on his tech, then put little one safely near him and go to bed, leaving him to put DC to bed. You should be able to get 3 hours in before he is ready to put his toys down. If DC wakes and he is not in bed then cover your ears.

Sleep training as described by you is terrible. A child should never be allowed to cry constantly and should be comforted when needed, and allowed to sleep with a parent when necessary. However this does not mean that they should expect not to go to their own beds at night and to sleep. This happens. Children go to bed and have nighttime rituals and sleep peacefully.

The child is ill all the sleep training in the world is going to be useless at thst point