DH blaming me for being tired

[BMCoffee]

Context: married 10 years, have an 8yo, 4yo and 1yo. Youngest is a terrible sleeper, so we cosleep and I do all the night wakes as I can settle her quickly and she sleeps longer periods when I'm next to her. It works for us as dh can get a night's rest / listen out for the others, and then takes over early so I can get some rest.

Issue: last night our 1yo was unusually unsettled, sleeping in 20 minute chunks and screaming for half an hour every wake from 7pm-1am, I think she had an ear ache as she was pulling on her ear and she seemed in pain. We gave her calpol but it didn't make a huge difference.

Just after midnight I asked DH to take her for a few hours so I could get some rest, as I knew I'd be in for a rough night. DH who was up faffing on his laptop said "yes sure". He managed to get her down in her room, then came to bed and went to sleep. 1yo woke up at 1am, and DH woke me up telling me to go to her, which in my sleepy state I did. I brought her in and checked the time, and asked him why he isn't helping. He got instantly defensive, telling me he got her down and went to bed (yes I see that), and didn't look at the time when he heard her. Made no effort to get up and help while I was up rocking her to sleep. I said that's not what we agreed, and he said he didn't understand what I had meant (I literally asked him to be responsible for her for a few hours while I slept, and he had agreed). Convenient. I said he needed to go and sleep in her bed (toddler bed, single mattress), while I sleep in our bed with the baby, so I can hand over in the morning and know he's had some rest. After some protesting about that (he needed a blanket, i suggested he finds one - there are loads), he went. Baby went to sleep and only woke briefly twice between about 1.30 and 7am. I handed her off to dh at 7.15, thinking DH had had a solid 6 hours uninterrupted sleep.

My AIBU: DH just told me now that he is so tired as he didn't get to sleep until 3am. I asked him why not, and he said "our argument put me in a mood and I couldn't sleep". So apparently I am at fault for this. While I looked after our sick child, I was apparently also responsible for my fully grown husband's poor sleep hygeine (going to bed late for no reason, looking at his phone while in bed, getting worked up that I was annoyed with him for not helping). AIBU to think it is a) not my fault he is tired now, and b) not really on for him to be cross at me after I did all the work last night with the baby except for the 20 minutes he had her for at midnight?

Oh and ...* *It is not the first time he's been tired after not looking after himself - he falls asleep on the sofa for half the night and then complains he is tired the next day (after I've done the nights with the baby), and other times watching tv on his phone until really late. If I am tired, I go to bed, and if I choose to stay up, I certainly don't get cranky at other people for being tired. Meanwhile, I'm exhausted after hearing the baby scream for hours on end and getting a very broken night's sleep (on top of 15 months without a full night's sleep). I know it's not the tired olympics, but it feels pretty shitty.

What now? I am in the room with him, both of us wfh. I didn't reply to him saying it was our argument, worried I'd say something I'll regret. What would you say?

You both sound tired and cranky, it doesn't seem his fault more both of you being cranky. But as you work part time I'd think more of the nights do need to be on you, with him doing his fair share. And you say what you usually do works for you, so this sounds a bit of a one off where you both just need to let it go.

Yes… that is what i have to add to the thread…

…that is why i added it to the thread…

… is there something wrong?????

Your one year old is a terrible sleeper because you co-sleep, not the other way round.

When they are well again teach them to fall asleep in their own room.

There's also no reason your dh needs to 'keep an ear out' at night for siblings aged four and eight.

You would all be happier for putting your kids to bed in their own beds at bedtime and sleeping soundly until morning!

The irony 🤣

🤷‍♀️

I think you are both BU as you are both very tired.

I do however think it's a bit extreme to complain this wasn't the first time he's said he's tired after poor sleep hygiene. He is allowed to be tired! He doesn't have to be perfect and never complain!

Also if he did look after DD for longer as you had expected at midnight, surely he would have been up til 3 then up at 7 again anyway? So either way he would be exhausted.

I am sure you are also exhausted, but there's no point arguing about who is more tired and why. It won't help

OP works part time therefore is not entitled a full night's sleep? You don't know if OP has a chance to não in the afternoon or not, even if OP does it's not the same. If DH can be up late on his phone he certainly can be up looking after his child.

I'm sorry you had a rough night and your baby is unwell. I hope they are better soon.

I don't agree with others who say "as you work part time, you should do more childcare" as that can rapidly become you doing ALL the childcare and then having to drag yourself through the working days.

but I don't have any answers I'm afraid.

With DD1 l worked from when she was a few months, I did all childcare, worked part time and did all household chores. And was pretty close to a breakdown.

I just don't think some husbands "get it". And expect not to do mand with the children, for the Partner to carry on doing the heavy lifting at home and can't cope with a night's broken sleep...

Im confused. You asked for a couple of hours sleep - you got a couple of hours sleep, until 1am. Yet you’re annoyed he didn’t let you sleep all night? If you want a whole night, you need to discuss it earlier.

Ya both bu for playing the 'I've got a worse deal' game but also ya both nbu because sleep deprivation makes us all a bit bonkers.

My advice is get support with sleep training so you can both get better sleep, together, in an adult bed. It will be tough but worth it imo

How is waking him at after midnight and him waking her at 1am a couple hours? Don't be so ridiculous.

Is everyone else reading a different thread?!

Of COURSE OP has the worse deal. She also works today, and was up from 7-12 with a crying baby while he pissed about on his phone.

And then he refused to help for more than 45 minutes.

And her baby was in pain fgs, leaving a child to cry in pain is even worse than the usual bullshit 'sleep trainers' push.

For both your sakes, I'd be investing in a sleep consultant to help aid the 1 year olds sleep.

Your marriage can't go on like this with continuous strain, it won't be a happy household for your children or for you guys.

That is beyond ridiculous. This is why emergency departments are overrun because that is not a life threatening emergency.

In most countries you can get antibiotics from a pharmacist to treat otitis media. Pharmacy's are also open later so they probably would have got the medication a lot quicker than dragging that poor child down to ED.

He works FT you work PT so you should do more of the work, having said that sleep deprivation is no joke. I think both of you need to be more compassionate and patient with each other. also get a single bed, it's unreasonable to think a grown man can sleep in a toddlers bed.

Another poster wrote about a schedule - I think that's a great idea. You can see Infront of both of you what is going on and that the workload is divided fairly.

To the poster who said GPs have referred into ED - yes that's true but that means the child has been clinically assessed by a professional and then it's deemed necessary to refer to secondary care - that's completely different to taking a child with an otitis media to ED.

It’s an unpopular opinion but sleep train. I was dead against it saying how cruel it was, my partner persisted and I’m so glad he did. Our children have slept really well from 18 months. My friends who co-slept are still having disturbed nights with 8 and 9 year olds!

My DIL decided they would be co sleeping when DG was born. No one has had any sleep for 4 yrs because she now won't sleep in her own bed and all hell breaks out every night. When they complain they're tired, I just tell them it's their own fault and stop complaining.

Omg I literally cannot believe the number of people who say the OP should be doing more of the nights bc she works part time. She does NOT work part time she works full time it's just half the time she is an unpaid carer. Her partner gets to work FT because she is caring for the children. Which is quite honestly FAR HARDER than being in a paid job. Looking after small children whilst sleep deprived is agonizing - being at work is like a rest cure by comparison. So the nights should be shared in whatever way works.

I agree it's not the sleep deprivation Olympics and there's no advantage in being combative. Approach it as not you against him but you and him against the problem (lack of sleep). I'm sure he is knackered and so are you. Having a non sleeping child is brutal.

I would approach it by apologizing for being snappy (you were, it upset him, that's his reality, if you don't acknowledge it you won't get any further with the discussion) and then start a 'ok we are both on our knees we need to talk about what we can do to improve our sleep'.

Tbh you were being a bit unreasonable to assume he would know without you asking that you wanted to change the previously agreed arrangement bc baby had been fussing, and he is being unreasonable by not automatically offering (did he not notice? Was he pretending not to notice? ).

My DH and I split the nights - I went to bed at 9, he is a night owl anyway so stayed up with the baby til 130 then we swapped over. And we sleep trained them (this is 26 years ago - seems to be very unfashionable now and I'm not really waving the flag for it bc it worked brilliantly for ds1 and didn't really work for dd1 and dcs 3 and 4 didn't need it so every child and every family is different).

The solution has to be what work for you. Get a bigger bed, try sleep training, split the nights more evenly, whatever - the key thing is you agree it together and try and look after each other. Good luck, and be kind to yourselves, you are shattered....

Co sleeping doesn’t mean you have children that never sleep to PP. my son co slept 1 month - 18 months and then slept in his own bed really well. He’s 3 now and sleeps 7-7 in his own room v happily. This myth of 8 year old still waking in tbt night due to co sleeping as a baby still perpetuates

This. I didn’t co-sleep with my 3 year old. We also sleep trained. He has no issue going to sleep. Yet he still wakes up several times a night. Every story is just that, a story - as many stories there are of parents co-sleeping and children waking up until their teens, there will be stories of parents who didn’t co-sleep and did sleep train and still waking up. Sleep training does indeed teach children how to self soothe, but it doesn’t stop them from waking up overnight and then being able to self soothe back to sleep.

You already had two young children when you decided to have a third, so you knew what it was like.

And do you honestly think you can have a "solid, uninterrupted" sleep in a toddler's bed.

Please come & tell this to my 8yo 😭

The woman usually takes the brunt of the mental and physical load of child rearing as well as looking after the home, and every thing in between. Often, and for so many years, it’s 24/7. And add working to that as well, part time or not. Where as the man works his 35/40 hours, gets home and is still not expected to not parent properly and not do chores because “he deserves his rest”. Whereas it’s ok for the woman to run herself ragged from the exhaustion.

It’s 2024 and yet so many people, increasingly young men and women, walking around with a 1954 mentality about gender roles and expectations. It’s truly shocking.

Get two king sized beds

I think your parents of young children and are both understandably tired, grumpy, and playing score cards on who does what.

All of which is pretty prevalent amongst parents. I don't think I know a single person who hasn't had a version of this argument at some point or another.

He is being annoying, sure, but sometimes marriages depend on what partner doing a silent eye roll and moving on, or having a quick snapping session at each other and then moving on.

No one wins the who has more right to be tired argument. You're both just tired.

I think the crux of the issue for me reading this is that he is okay with poor sleep hygiene resulting from things he enjoys which seems unfair when you are putting in the effort to give him good sleep by taking night duties. It makes me think well maybe he could take over more and stop staying up late unnecessarily. Maybe it's time to split things more equally. I would say 2 night's a week he is in charge as you work less, although honestly I found toddlers much more exhausting than working from home! But 2 nights of proper sleep would really help I think as it sounds like you are just absolutely empty at this point x x