To wish I had her life ?

[TabbyMcTat2]

Me, 38, single, living with stepdad as can’t afford to move out alone. Have lupus also.

Cousin is 32, healthy, has an adoring fiancé who pays their mortgage and the majority of the bills. She has an easy job and only works a maximum of 10/15 hours a week. Good friends and family all support her. It isn’t just a perfect “Facebook” life, I see her regularly and know it really is all this good and easy.

I know I will be flamed on here but sometimes I just wish I was her and that I had her life.

Jesus christ

OP you don't know what happens behind closed doors. Dont forget people only show and portray to you what they want you to think. Everybody has their ups and downs and you don't know what lies around the corner for either of you, good or bad.

I know people mean well but I don't think encouraging people to believe others may not really be happy or their good luck may run out is particularly healthy. For one thing, the cousin may be every bit as happy as she seems and remain that way. Her marriage may last happily until old age, she may never get a terminal illness or lose her job or be cheated on and left destitute. Many people don't. The key with jealousy is to stop comparing. There is no other cure. Monitoring other people's lives for secret sorrow or anticipating their future misfortune isn't helpful, as its not only negative but is still focusing on them rather than your own life.

Rather then focusing on someone’s life you would rather have , have a look round at what other people are also going through. It maybe that your life isn’t so bad in comparison.

I don't think people are saying that, I think they are saying that you shouldn't assume anything about someone's life. Especially if you are jealous of them. You just don't usually know someone's reality.

Yep, that's exactly my point. There are absolutely no guarantees in life and everything is a calculated risk.

You can choose to rely on others and risk them leaving you or no longer being able to support you. You can try to rely on yourself and risk becoming ill or your chosen career or profession not working out for a variety of reasons. On MN the latter type of risk is completely underplayed whilst the former is overplayed.

Someone's resilience during adversity is only truly tested when things go wrong. There are people that look like they would be able to cope in a crisis and fall apart and those that thrive under pressure and can craft a whole new life. On MN the assumption that if you're financially dependent on someone else then you automatically be someone that would be unable to adapt and change of they lost their partner. This isn't really true IME.

Use this as an opportunity to introspect and work out who you really are and what you want.

Do you even want a partner? Might not be the right one, would you be prepared to compromise?

What gives you joy in your life? What's stopping you achieving your goals? What are your goals, if you don't have any, why not?

Ask yourself these type of questions and ditch the negative self talk.

I think we can all feel envious at times and that's normal but nothing changes if you change nothing. Could you change careers, are you part of any social groups where you can meet people? Focus on the good parts of your life and remember everything can change in an instant for better or worse. My life now is completely different from how it was 5 years ago. I've learned that staying connected with good friends, working on the things I have the power to change and spending time on myself help make life better no matter what you are going through.

I know. But you don't need to make assumptions to know that some people are objectively more fortunate than ourselves. Those with perfect health, loving and supportive networks, financial security. What that person chooses to do with those advantages or whether their privelege makes them happy is neither here nor there. I think in saying people may be miserable or may have bad things coming people are looking for fairness, to believe we all have our troubles, when of course we do, but some people have fewer and less serious ones than others. There is nothing wrong with admitting that and validating a person's feelings when they have been dealt a poorer hand in life, and for the less fortunate person to find acceptance and move on with what they do have.

I do get it. Two people I know, both privately educated but never had careers, both married privately educated men, gave up work when they had their first of several children now all grown up, both live in big houses in areas DH and I could not possibly afford, now employed very part time in local hospitality. It’s not that I want their lives, I just wonder how they managed to achieve it with so little effort.

Agree with this

In the past, I thought some of my friends had idyllic lives. I was envious. Thought life was unfair

The way life turned out, some of those friends died prematurely, or partners did, or businesses failed, or they ended up in abusive relationships. Meanwhile, my luck improved. And it's possible some of my friends now think I'm the lucky one

Getting older does give this longer sense of perspective. I appreciate life is tough now.

I know how you feel. I see my friends working short hours, going out, large support network. My life is very different. No advice sorry but you're not alone feeling the way you do

I really don't get these reactions.

Of course she's probably better off. Regardless of whether that might not always be the case in the future.

You really aren't unreasonable.

Big hug!

I really don't get these reactions.

Of course she's probably better off. Regardless of whether that might not always be the case in the future.

You really aren't unreasonable.

Big hug!

I've just seen too much to be envious of anyone. I've been through far more than most people will in their lifetime. When I told my GP my circumstances even she was, "Oh wow!" And I'm sure she sees it all. Yet once I was one of those families people envied. In spite of it all, I am still able to count the blessings I do have. I have seen much in other people's lives too. Three of my friends died young. I might have lost a teenage child, have chronic illness, have children with the same chronic illness and no family support - but I lived to see my children grow up, unlike my friends. My DH is still alive and here with me. I live in nature, which is very healing. I know how quickly things can turn, so know how much folly there is in envying anyone. That doesn't mean things are tough and there aren't sometimes painful feelings, but I count my blessings and envy no-one. I also know a lot can go on behind closed doors that other people never know about, so live by the saying, "You never know what battle someone is fighting." In day to day life, I try to practice little kindnesses toward people I encounter. You never know when that just make their day a little easier.

Life can be hard and it certainly isn’t fair, so you’re reasonable to feel the way you do. I think envy can be a very negative thing, but it’s also informative. It gives you information about what you desire. Maybe you’re not living the life you want at the moment. Maybe you are working too hard. Maybe you want a relationship. Maybe you want to change jobs or have a different kind of lifestyle. You don’t have to work extremely hard and be ambitious. You’re allowed to live a smaller life if you want.

I felt pressured when I was younger to live up to my ‘potential’, work excessively hard and compete. I found myself envying people that had easier jobs or more free time and it made me question my path in life. I’ve since created a life more like that of your cousin, and while it’s not perfect, it’s closer to what I want.

Isn't this a classic "Glass half empty" situation?

OP is looking at what she doesn't have, by comparison to cousin, rather than what she DOES have.

You may not be able to change your life, but you certainly can work on your mindset and be happier for it.

Totally agree.

What an ambition - being a sponger.

Jealousy is a horrible emotion. It eats it up and poisons you against the person even when they've done nothing wrong. It gets a hold of you and it's really hard to shake it off.

It's good you're self aware about it because some people don't even admit to themselves that they're jealous. I think for your mental health and happiness you need to put some distance between yourself and this person and try to limit the amount of space they take up in your head.

Every day OP, count your blessings.
just do it daily.
no looking at others, no focusing on what you don’t have - just focus on your blessings.
every day , be thankful.

See, there is nothing in anything you have written here that I would feel jealous of. It's strange how highly some people place material things above fulfillment and experience.