To wish I had her life ?

[TabbyMcTat2]

Me, 38, single, living with stepdad as can’t afford to move out alone. Have lupus also.

Cousin is 32, healthy, has an adoring fiancé who pays their mortgage and the majority of the bills. She has an easy job and only works a maximum of 10/15 hours a week. Good friends and family all support her. It isn’t just a perfect “Facebook” life, I see her regularly and know it really is all this good and easy.

I know I will be flamed on here but sometimes I just wish I was her and that I had her life.

I think it's fine to be discontent with the life you have now if you don't like it, you have been dealt some hard blows with having a chronic condition and being single (if you don't want to be) at a time when others are settling down. It's fine to be pissed off that isn't you- and I'd think about whether you might invest in some counselling or have support at work (mine has a helpline) for those with chronic conditions as there's no doubt it's harder work for us.

That said, lying awake thinking about your cousin/friend isn't productive at all. I agree with @turnips4u, no-one gets through this life without any suffering, even just basic stuff like your mum and dad dying. There isn't a life without some pain and some distress, as well as happiness and fulfilment. It's the human condition and to envy her is a bit simplistic really- your idea she could never get cheated on, or suffer illness or her husband might die (like mine did). You don't know her future- and the only future you can control is your own so I'd either buy a self-help book and set up a journal and start writing out your plans and ideas and make small ones happen, or get some support to offload what you are experiencing now. Don't make this about her- this is about you and your life.

Op, I’m sorry you’re feeling like this, you do
sound depressed. I can tell you though, life turns on a dime - in a good way as well as bad.

If I can give you some advice, what cries out from your post is that you would love a partner. You don’t like your job. You don’t like your living situation. You can change all of these things, I promise, and bit by bit you can build a life that pleases and fulfils you.

Probably not while you’re depressed, though. Can you get to your GP and ask for some good strong antidepressants? Once the black dog has lifted a bit the changes you CAN make to make yourself happy will look much more manageable, I promise. This isn’t about your cousin per se, it’s about what you want and don’t have - at least you know what you want though, and you are young and you have time, you’re only 38!

💐 for you. chronic illness is hard.

Never judge your insides by other peoples outsides.
Appearances can be VERY deceptive.

There have been times I felt close to being suicidal when I’m certain others thought I was leading a charmed life.

Op I don’t want to sound maudlin, but age really is a leveller, because you never know what life will throw at you. I’m late 40s; in the last ten years, five of my friends have divorced, five others have been diagnosed with cancer, and two have lost children. All, when we were in our thirties, seemed to have it all. Please try to focus on the positives - what you have and not what you don’t have. I appreciate it’s hard, I get it I really do, because all mine and dh’s friends seem to be really wealthy (not through any social engineering on our part I might add!) and we seem to be the only family that can’t afford a holiday this year. But compared to what some are going through right now, i wouldn’t swap my life for anyone’s.

I agree I think you need something to cheer you up and recommend going to your GP. My DM takes a ''happy pill'' and her outlook and general happiness has been vastly improved. There is no stigma in asking for help.

Once you are feeling less blue, start to look for opportunities that interest you. Is there a community garden nearby? Walking groups/tours? Pet fostering? Book clubs? Something that gets you moving and meeting others, gets you away from cabin fever (whether that be head space or physical location).

But please seek help in taking those first steps.

Yeah it does suck. Some people do seem to live charmed lives and others have loads of endless trauma and crap to deal with. Most of us are somewhere in the middle.

You are only human. It's perfectly normal to wish things were easier for you and to look at others and wish you had what they had.
It doesn't make you a bad person.

I get it. I do.

Bit when you aren't comparing yourself to her; are you actually unhappy?

There will always be people with more. And less.
You only have one life. Try to live it for what it is, very short and on a universal level both precious and miraculous.

Comfort is a poisoned chalice and many will pay the price of it with both their character and personhood.

Also one thing tends to lead to another cause and effect.

Difficult childhood, poor relationship choices, personal difficulties, underperformance compared to potential, lower income, less food environment, poor health outcomes etc etc

Opposite also true.

I'm not young though. I am currently hurtling towards 40 at a very fast pace and nobody can say I am still young at 40.
I work with girls in their late teens and early twenties. Technically, I am old enough to be their mother which is terrifying and makes me feel old.
I have good qualities but it isn't getting me far. Sometimes I just get really down at working hard, trying so hard and not really getting anywhere. Where as for others, it just seems to happen. Also, while this won't go down well, a supportive partner means everything falls into place. Joint finances to buy together, nice social life, feeling loved and supported. Option of not having to work so hard. Note that I say a supportive and loving partner, not just any partner because on the flip side, they will just end up making your life worse. It isn't just the lack of partner though, it's the lack of real supportive and loving family and friends. I give so much love out but get so little back.
I know life hits everyone hard at some point but do feel I am getting endless blows.

Exactly. Or dies. Life's a bitch – and the wheel constantly turns. Happiness doesn't last (though misery often does, unfortunately).

I do know what you mean though. You don't sound jealous OP. Jealous people are often bitter and hate-filled. You're just sad that your life isn't as happy as someone else's. Most of us can relate to that. My life is pretty much f-d. People always trot out the old "it's never too late" cliche. In reality, of course, it often is too late.

You're 38.

Seven years away from middle age. Still young.
Your life can change tomorrow, or next week or two years from now.
Lupus isn't a death sentence so you arent terminall ill and you aren't terminally single either.

So your cousin is six years younger, has a rich supportive partner and works less.

You could meet a rich, supportive partner at any point. Then your lives would be similar?

Why are you writing yourself off less than halfway through your lifespan?

It's fine to be jealous.

There's a tendance to be a bit Puritan on here

It's all well and good to say that, but if you are great looking with a great body, that is a self esteem boost in itself. This almost Puritan idea that virtue is its own reward and that women should be proud to struggle for a pittance rather than be 'kept' by a man is something that people tell themselves because they are frustrated with how their life has turned out. I take my hat off to the OP for her honesty, she admits to her resentment that she's been dealt a duff hand and doesn't try to valorize it by saying she is a strong independent woman or any such fluff. The truth is as well, if you marry rich, you will be rich even if you divorce, so people visualising the cousin living in penury after her husband deserts her are being foolish as well as spiteful.

You don't HAVE to struggle for a pittance though. Why do women not want to strive to earn better?

OP has health problems. Not everyone has the potential to be a high earner. I think it is OK to wish to be supported by a wealthy partner, everyone has different desires in life.

Yeah. That only ever seems to be said about women though, sadly.

I do think it's a poor attitude to have, because you're expecting a man to be a high earner but not wanting to put that effort in yourself.

Unfortunately some of us have to do the minimum wage jobs and were considered "essential workers" during the pandemic...

I hear you op, nothing wrong in wishing life was easier and a bit happier. Nothing wrong at all.

You have no idea if OP's cousin could support herself or if she ever will need to. Just because someone is currently financially dependent on another person, it doesn't mean they are incapable of supporting themselves if required. Equally lots of women that consider themselves financially independent are actually completely unable to maintain their current lifestyle on their own salary alone. Most people buy a house that requires two salaries to pay the mortgage etc. it isn't as black and white as you suggest.

It is also totally possible that her relationship goes the distance and she never needs to financially support herself. Loads of my older relatives have been together for their entire lives and never needed to be financially independent. It is a gamble but OP's cousin may well not experience the shit hitting the fan in the way you seem to think is inevitable. Lots of people live charmed existences for the entirety of their lives.

I think you’re missing the point slightly- I don’t think the OP wants to emulate her.

It’s the sense of unfairness. It’s the fact that the OP does have the ambition to earn well herself, has worked hard and someone who has been quite lazy has an easier life.

i get it OP.

I was ( and still am!) ambitious, hard working and independent. It’s still galling seeing people who have married well have a nicer life doing much less!

Exactly, much better to be earning the money yourself.

Things can change in an instant for anyone you know that.

You are spot on. There's a lot of just world fallacy going on in these comments. It is a fact that intelligence, beauty and wealth are often positively correlated.

They can, but they often don't. And the OP's cousin could win the lottery tomorrow and be even richer. All the people waiting for something awful to happen to the rich and beautiful are on a hiding to nothing.

Wow these responses are awful. It reads like some folks are envious just reading about her. Cancer, affairs, leaves her.

bloody hell.

op, I understand the envy if you’re struggling a bit, focus on the positives in your life and aim to make changes where you can.