To wish I had her life ?

[TabbyMcTat2]

Me, 38, single, living with stepdad as can’t afford to move out alone. Have lupus also.

Cousin is 32, healthy, has an adoring fiancé who pays their mortgage and the majority of the bills. She has an easy job and only works a maximum of 10/15 hours a week. Good friends and family all support her. It isn’t just a perfect “Facebook” life, I see her regularly and know it really is all this good and easy.

I know I will be flamed on here but sometimes I just wish I was her and that I had her life.

Actually everyone does have the opportunity to become a high earner.

Bless you. Why wouldn't you want a life that was good and easy. I feel like envy is an okay emotion compared to jealousy, however I still think its quite pernicious and detrimental to our wellbeing.

Comparison really can be the thief of joy. Saying that, I don't know if this is helpful but I sometimes do the reverse when I am struggling, and compare my life to people,either real or imagined, who don't have some of the things I have.

I also borrow the line from the ending of the movie About time, and pretend that I have specifically come back to this point in my life to relive these moments.

Don't shame yourself for envying someone who has what you feel are better options than you, but try to recognise that it's not worth devoting your mental energy too.

I strongly believe happiness in life is largely down to outlook. You can have objectively little and be happy, and objectively a lot and be miserable. Not saying it's easy to change those things, but it is something we all can work on, which to me is reassuring.

I would never in any way wish for my cousin to have anything but the best and a comfortable, easy life. I just wish I had the same.
I hope that comes across. I would hate for people to think otherwise.

It’s sounds like you’re feeling a bit down on yourself.

obviously I have no idea what your life is like but I’d hazard a guess that you are being very tough on yourself.

however, feeling envious can actually be helpful. It shows us what we want in life and can challenge you to change things.

sounds like you’d like a good relationship- make a plan to join some dating websites.

and what is your career? It’s worth asking people on here how to develop and progress your career. What is your goal career wise? Maybe work out a plan to achieve it?

I know it sounds very trite, but it will help you get to a better place. But in the meantime, it’s fine to be envious

I hope this doesn't come across as patronising as I mean it with the best intentions. What do you want to change? What are you proud of? You said you were loving and kind, these are really valuable and amazing qualities to have in a colleague, friend and step daughter.

I know life has dealt you a blow and it feels a bit helpless but we all have the capacity to change and grow. Pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and start again. If you don't feel like you've aced life so far, you have so much time left to make a change.

Just to add, I'm 30 now and can't believe people think 40 is anywhere near old!!

My life would be enviable to an outsider but the reality behind closed doors is very different. It’s best to focus on your own life and how you can improve it, if that’s what you want.

I have to put so much effort into getting out of bed or in the shower. I strive to get through each day. Jesus, have some thought to others

And in the real world . ..

I hear you. We all have life goals and if you are unwell and haven’t met yours (partner, kids, own home etc) at nearly 40 then you are totally within your rights to feel sad about that. Setting yourself achievable goals that you can genuinely get excited about might help get you out of a slump.

Autoimmune conditions can be really tough and draining. Are you seeing a doctor to help treat your flares?
You need to focus on what you do have. No one has a perfecr ife even if it seems like they have comparatively. Life has a way of throwing shit at everyone, just at different times.
Nevermind ehat your cousin or anyone else has. What do YOU want out of life? A good career? A partner? To travel? To have your own home? The economy is shit right now but it won't be so forever. You need to find something in life to nurture and enjoy because ultimately.you are the only one who can effect change. But you should also have others to rely on. Do.you have a good relationship with any family members? Friends? Reach out and see if you can build closer relationships because as you have identified they are very important.

I don’t think it’s ok, regardless of whether you have children or not.

It's understandable you feel that way but I did vote you are BU. You don't know what the rest of her life may hold and what she doesn't tell you about her life, feelings, etc. I don't mean this to belittle your experience but some of the stuff I have been through as a result of having a family makes my chronic condition a walk in the park. I do understand you'd feel a bit envious of those who don't have to deal with health problems.

I understand how you feel, I’m envious of the life one of my siblings has. Lovely partner, lovely kids, do lots of travelling and going to gigs and eating out, lovely house, really good close knit group of friends living locally. We’ve always had similar likes and interests and every time my sibling tells me what they’ve been doing I think ‘wow, I’d love to be doing that’ but reality is I’m single, childless, no friends who are into the same things. I feel like sibling is living the life I would have liked to live and it is hard, I definitely feel a lot of envy but I try to put it to the back of my mind and don’t let it get in the way of our relationship.

Jealousy isn't nice but it's human and I'm sure we all feel like this at times. Better to vent online than in real life.

Try to bear in mind that there is plenty of time for it all to go wrong for her.

Does she have any tragedies from her childhood or early 20s? i think most people have had some sort of hardship by their 30s.

hope things get easier for you op

Sometimes it really pisses me off when I'm told to look at what I already have. We struggle for money, two ND DC, and DH, who was seemingly ambitious & equal, turned out to be mediocre guy who is out almost every night/weekend with his hobby or needy DF. I've had to do a bulk of the work, looking after finances, child care, house work. There's nothing for me & I'm exhausted.

I can't help but be envious of a family member who married a man who is wealthy. I have started working at their business & she barely works, goes away every holidays & abroad every year. DC in expensive schools & lots of family to help with child care. This year's trip is costing more than DH & I make in 18 months. We have zero childcare. I haven't had a night off since DD8 was born.

SIL is similar, has everything because she deliberately selected a high income partner.

Yes we're supposed to look after ourselves now, but after watching several women I know have an easy life through good partner selection, I'm just tired. I'd like someone to look after me for once, and not carry the burden of everything.

Of course we do. Anyone can think up the next biggest business idea and make alot of money. We live in a free Country.

I’ve NC as feel like I’ll get flamed for this.

i have a pretty nice life from the outside. 2 children, lovely house, expensive car, don’t work. But my marriage is so strained. My husband has depression and drinks too much. He shouts at me almost daily and calls me a f…… c….. when I talk to him (ask him if he wants a cup of tea or what he wants for dinner). I cry most days. This has been going on for almost 6 months (it wasn’t as bad beside when he was taking anti depressants).

But yeah I wonder if people who follow me on Instagram think ooo another ski holiday but actually I’m so miserable because I’m being talked to like I’m worthless in front of my children every day.

You have a partner and a child alot of people would be envious of you.

😂

YANBU. My friend has Lupus and despite her being hugely intelligent, it's held her back from holding down jobs for any length of time. It could knock her out for a month at a time completely unexpectedly.

What a horrible, nasty post. Just because the OP feels envious of her cousin doesn't mean that she is waiting for something awful to happen to her!

No flaming but you know you are in an abusive relationship right? And your children will suffer from this?

@TabbyMcTat2 Hi OP, fellow Lupus patient here. you have my sympathies. I know how tough it can be... but life tests us all in different ways. focus on the small blessings you enjoy. gratitude is the most effective antidote to what you are feeling ♡