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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish I had her life ?

146 replies

TabbyMcTat2 · 03/04/2024 19:04

Me, 38, single, living with stepdad as can’t afford to move out alone. Have lupus also.

Cousin is 32, healthy, has an adoring fiancé who pays their mortgage and the majority of the bills. She has an easy job and only works a maximum of 10/15 hours a week. Good friends and family all support her. It isn’t just a perfect “Facebook” life, I see her regularly and know it really is all this good and easy.

I know I will be flamed on here but sometimes I just wish I was her and that I had her life.

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 03/04/2024 19:39

TabbyMcTat2 · 03/04/2024 19:24

Don’t think anyone will be falling over themselves to be jealous of an almost 40 year old living with her stepdad, single, no kids with frequent lupus flare ups…

I get that everyone has their trauma in life but some do seem to get it more than others . Also if you have supportive family and friends then issues and big problems are definitely made more bearable.

My cousin would get half even if they divorced in the future I imagine. Not really going to be an issue . He idolises her and they don’t have kids either. I wouldn’t want that to happen to her though, of course not. I’m far from a mean person even if I come across that way.

From reading some of the other posts, it does seem that way. I know a good few women who don’t work or not much at all but have a lovely life funded by their partners or husbands.

You don’t come across mean at all. Lots of women do live off their husbands and that’s ok on MN if you have children (even if they are grown and you spend your days lunching, walking the dog and going to yoga) 😂

coldcallerbaiter · 03/04/2024 19:40

HebburnPokemon · 03/04/2024 19:13

But if he leaves her, then what?

She has a job. Probably some savings.

Not a kept woman in the same sense as in the past.

PassingStranger · 03/04/2024 19:41

Never envy anyone else you do not know what is round the corner for them.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 03/04/2024 19:43

I'm going to go ahead and roll out the famous quote: comparison is the thief of joy. I totally understand you feeling envious, but it's detrimental to your own mental health to dwell on these things. Focus on yourself as much as possible and think about what your next move could be to improve your own life. It doesn't have to be huge, most of life's pleasure comes from little things. Read a good book, cook a nice meal and share it with someone you care about. If course life is easier if you've got money, but rich people aren't automatically happier.

Farmwifefarmlife · 03/04/2024 19:44

StormingNorman · 03/04/2024 19:15

Life isn’t supposed to be as hard as it is and I’ve never understood the moral virtue in working. If I had a trust fund, I’d be spanking my credit card up and down Bond Street and getting drunk on martinis in the Bahamas.

Totally with you on this!

I love this! Made me chuckle.

UncomfortablyBig882 · 03/04/2024 19:55

Life isn't fair and some people do have it better than others. Everyone has short pangs of jealousy. It's normal and you are not a bad person to think it. Your cousin's life does sound dreamy, I am jealous just reading about it! But don't focus on this, you'll end up making yourself miserable.

Look at your own life and how you could make small improvements. We all have to deal the cards we are dealt with.

Nomorenomores · 03/04/2024 19:55

friggingno · 03/04/2024 19:16

I am sorry that you have health issues @TabbyMcTat2
It's interesting that you mention good friends and family support; in my experience people are all the more supportive the less need for it you have haha.
Do not despair, you have some security living with your step dad and you can find a way to achieve what you want in life: believe in yourself.

in my experience people are all the more supportive the less need for it you have

This is actually well put, and very true.

People get a lot of satisfaction from supporting people with minor life quibbles, but many step away from those with major life issues.

Nomorenomores · 03/04/2024 19:58

Botanica · 03/04/2024 19:38

Where's the pride gone in bettering yourself, achieving your own successes and fulfilling your potential?

I can't imagine anything worse than being dependent on someone else's money and living off the coattails of someone else's success, with all you have to trade for it being your perfect manicure and gym bunny body...

Next thing you know you'd be one of those posters here who always answers the salary threads with "My DH....".

Your imagination is shockingly underdeveloped if this is the worst thing you can imagine. 😁

friggingno · 03/04/2024 20:16

It's cruel but it's true @Nomorenomores 😉

upanddownandupanddown · 03/04/2024 20:23

Hmm. YANBU, however things are not always as they seem. I have a lovely family, good job and I only work two days a week. Sounds amazing! I am very lucky I know, but the reality is that I only work two days a week because of my significant mental health problems. I would love to be able to work
more; my career has been seriously restricted. Not as rosy as might look.

safetyfreak · 03/04/2024 20:26

UncomfortablyBig882 · 03/04/2024 19:55

Life isn't fair and some people do have it better than others. Everyone has short pangs of jealousy. It's normal and you are not a bad person to think it. Your cousin's life does sound dreamy, I am jealous just reading about it! But don't focus on this, you'll end up making yourself miserable.

Look at your own life and how you could make small improvements. We all have to deal the cards we are dealt with.

Yep, agree.

Life can be easy for some but harsh for others. There are so many things I change about myself but...you just got make the best of the life you have.

StarDolphins · 03/04/2024 20:27

my Ex has been trying to reconcile for 3 years, I could have a great life of doing nothing, move into a big house & want for nothing. I could give up work, lunches with friends etc and live a lovely life…

But I don’t want that, I love my little life, my tiny house. My freedom to make my own decisions about what to spend my little wages on. To not feel vulnerable that my wealthy & great life can be snatched away at any point because I’m basically at the mercy of my 1 provider.

It’s tough having ill health op, I can’t take that from you but being single & having a roof over your head means anything can happen, you could meet a rich man, a poor man, a funny man or you could meet new friends, anything can & does change for all of us. These ‘lucky’ could be in a position where their luck changes, they could get poorly, they could be cheated on etc.

JMSA · 03/04/2024 20:30

It's all shits and giggles until he has an affair, and she is fucked financially with her 10 hour a week pocket-money job.
Feeling better?WinkGrin

Ihearyousingingdownthewire · 03/04/2024 20:32

It would be hard to argue that you have nothing to be jealous about. Her set up is better than yours. But that’s not to say yours won’t ever change, but you have to be the one to change it.

Original poster
TabbyMcTat2 · 03/04/2024 20:34

Never going to happen, he totally idolises her. He is the only man I can say would never cheat. Again, obviously I don't want that. I just wish I had some of her luck. Sometimes when I am in bed at night I just cry which I know is pathetic.

OP posts:
Mrstaytos · 03/04/2024 20:35

Some people are just simply born under a star and it’s not unreasonable to wish that this could be your life

Aramiss · 03/04/2024 20:35

I understand people trying to make you feel better but I'd take a doting rich husband I'm financially dependent on over being single and fucking skint any day of the week.
It's soul destroying when you work so hard.

Problem is there's fuck all you can do about it really, so you need to find a way to make peace with it or it'll just trap you in it's misery.

Bumpitybumper · 03/04/2024 20:36

Beezknees · 03/04/2024 19:16

Personally I wouldn't like to be "kept" by a man so it doesn't sound like the kind of life I'd want.

All these type of threads seem to be envious of women who have wealthy partners paying for them. Where is the ambition to earn well yourself?

Because many people work jobs they dislike to earn the money they need to afford the lifestyle they want. If they can find someone that's happy to support them then why on earth wouldn't they choose this? Put frankly, it's the easier option.

It's why many people dream of winning the lottery, getting a massive inheritance from some distant unknown relative or having a trust fund. They don't really take pride in how the money is earnt or need the status associated with a high power job, they literally just want the lifestyle and financial freedom that having wealth affords.

Are there risks with this approach? Of course, but it's a calculated risk in the way that almost all other things are in life. Even training years to build a profession is risky with the progression of AI on the horizon. Nothing is guaranteed and OP is entitled to be jealous of her cousin that is currently enjoying a great quality of life. It's normal and natural. Hopefully she will use this productively to spur her own to make the best of her own life rather than to stew over the inequality and lack of fairness.

GingerPirate · 03/04/2024 20:39

YANBU, OP.
Wouldn't think about "flaming" you.
I'm the one of the lucky ones wanting for nothing, with a decent husband.
However, as he says, you never know what is going on behind closed doors.
Desperate to live alone despite all my luck, covering up rosacea every day to look healthy.
Don't be sad.

Mrsttcno1 · 03/04/2024 20:39

I think it’s easy to think that somebody else has a perfect life, but we all have our own problems and unless you’re actually living the life you just can’t understand that.

There is almost always somebody looking at your life wishing they had it, and OP there absolutely will be for you. For example your stable living arrangement which you speak so negatively of is the dream of someone who has nowhere to sleep tonight. I always try to remind myself of that, there’s always somebody who wants YOUR life and I think that reminds us to grateful for the one we’ve got.

K0OLA1D · 03/04/2024 20:40

Ihearyousingingdownthewire · 03/04/2024 20:32

It would be hard to argue that you have nothing to be jealous about. Her set up is better than yours. But that’s not to say yours won’t ever change, but you have to be the one to change it.

Disabilities don't just disappear

Original poster
TabbyMcTat2 · 03/04/2024 20:40

That's what I find hard. Working long stressful hours not even sure if it is really getting me anywhere and often struggling physically . While cousin does a leisurely few hours work then gets to relax in her lovely home before her adoring fiance comes home.
I wouldn't want to not work. I couldn't be a kept woman. But it would be lovely just to do some easy work with very minimal hours knowing I can , and that I had a lovely fiance who could support us.

OP posts:
Hagpie · 03/04/2024 20:42

Don’t let the morality police tell you you’re not allowed to feel natural human emotions OP!

I am a die-hard feminist but all the “of course I want to work/not be dependent on a man” people aren’t helpful.

Buildingthefuture · 03/04/2024 20:44

Well, we are all different. I wouldn’t want her life, ever. Financially dependent on someone else is my absolute nightmare and I would never want that. Being “adored” is no substitute for being able to support yourself, if or more honestly when, the shit hits the fan.

PersephonePomegranate23 · 03/04/2024 20:44

I think it's lovely that you have a step dad that allows you to live with him. Sorry if that's presuming too much, but take a look at the step parenting board and at how some step children are treated!

It's normal to feel jealous and to wish life were easier, life really isn't fair, bit it's important to acknowledge the good things in our lives too.