To wish I had her life ?

[TabbyMcTat2]

Me, 38, single, living with stepdad as can’t afford to move out alone. Have lupus also.

Cousin is 32, healthy, has an adoring fiancé who pays their mortgage and the majority of the bills. She has an easy job and only works a maximum of 10/15 hours a week. Good friends and family all support her. It isn’t just a perfect “Facebook” life, I see her regularly and know it really is all this good and easy.

I know I will be flamed on here but sometimes I just wish I was her and that I had her life.

Then they would be silly to be so. Having a partner and child doesn't mean that you are happy, plus the poster said that she doesn't really like her partner.

I had her life. Had kids with the man thought he was wonderful and we was incredibly fortunate.

Turns out he was living a double life having affairs and essentially thought he could do what he wanted because he provided.

I am now a single parent broke and life is so hard. I did not intentionally set out to be dependent on a man’s income but I was convinced by him I should look after the children and had nothing to worry about. He told me he loved me and we was growing old together. He would never leave.

If you had asked me a few years ago if this is where I imagined my life would be I would have laughed.

I'm missing the point a bit, but as there have been so many nice and insightful replies already that I can't really add anything to, I will just ask why she works so part time? Seems a really precarious way to live when she's not married to this man. Best case scenario is that they marry soon and live happily ever after. But none of that is guaranteed, so I hope she is thinking about her future and not putting all her eggs in one basket. I do appreciate that regardless of that, it's generally more desirable to live with a loving partner than with a stepdad. I hope things do improve for you and wish you all the best.

Yes. It's a bit shit really. Some people are just lucky and, when things are tough and crap, it can grate a bit.

Imo there's not really any need to moralise beyond that. Of course we should look for the joy in our own lives and all that but come on, very few of us are bloody polyannas, thank god.

Unfortunately life is not fair, we are not all equal and some people will have to deal with more than their fair share of adversity, ill-health and loneliness. The thing is OP that comparing yourself to your cousin won't do you any good, it will just make you bitter and jealous. You may feel she's better off than you but there are many people who are much worse off than you too. Put your energies into making your life as good as it can be. Take responsibility for your own happiness.

No they wouldn't. Lots of people can't have children.
This is a pointless post anyway, she can't be anyone else, none of us can.
If the person she's envious of went down with incurable illness tomorrow, would she still wish she had her life?

PM me Hun 😘

See, I didn't say my life was rubbish or I didn't appreciate what I'd had, which is why I hate these comments. I said I was envious of others who were taken care of & had an easy life dye to partner choice, while I am worn out taking care of everyone else.

Tbh my partner has a lovely life, getting taken care of, and so so my DC. I just wish someone would make MY life easier.

I totally understand what you are saying and am in a similar position (with a decent partner fortunately). Sometimes I look at my sibling who has no children (not by choice) and all the freedom and things they do and I think how easy they have it. to be clear, I wouldn't swap and I love my family and wouldn't swap it for the world, but being free of the concerns for the future of the children with high needs seems like such a luxury. That applies to parents with easier children too.

You are being silly. Some adults can’t live alone and require 24 hr care. You must know this. Do they count as “anyone”?

@MsLuxLisbon I wasn't trying to suggest the OP was waiting for her cousin to experience something awful. That hadn't occurred to me tbh.

My point was more that it might help her to see their respective lives as just a moment in time. Fortune and misfortune come in waves. Why get too emotionally invested in comparing their lives right now when it might all change on a whim in a few months time.

You're 38, you're still a young woman. I get that chronic illness is brutal but every day you go without a flare is a win.
You absolutely can change your life you just have to find the will to do it. Life won't come to you, you have to make things happen yourself. Join clubs, volunteer, get out and about when you can. If you're depressed and it sounds like you are, speak to your GP get some help. Stop looking at other people's lives go out and make your own. Please don't waste your time being sad and jealous, many people who are currently fated to die before their time would embrace your life in a heartbeat.

I'm jealous of every healthy person. It impacts everything.

You are absolutely right about the gift that time is. I would fight to my last breath for women to be given equal access to whatever careers they want but…

I don’t work outside of two school age children and managing our home stuff.

I am absolutely not a kept woman. I work extraordinarily hard to do a better job looking after the people I love than anyone else would be able to do. My husband’s life would he exponentially poorer if he left me. The work I do for us enables him to spend quality time with his family + for himself when he’s not at work. The work he does for us means neither of us is snowed under tying to do two jobs - so I can manage (and outsource) some domestic stuff so I have time for my children, my husband and increasingly to myself.

I think it’s easy to forget what a positive it is to both partners to have someone competent managing life outside of work.

I’m with you OP. It’s really, really hard to be close with someone who materially has it so much easier than you. It’s not pathetic to cry - you want to feel taken care of and like you’re not just on the grind day in, day out.

That's really shitty tbh. Sometimes people physically cannot 'do it'. That's the point. But dump that false comparison with people who are 'fated to die before their time'. That is not the problem of people with these illnesses, they have enough to be getting on with without feeling guilty for other people's illnesses.

Oh and also I’m with the PP who said she’d spend up her trust fund if she had it. Same! I wouldn’t mind dabbling in the odd few hours of work, but if my current partner offered to drastically reduce my working hours, I’m certain I’d take it!

Just because a women relies on a man's wage doesn't mean they aren't driven to earn their own money. I work hard and earn a decent wage, it just so happens my DH earns alot more.
It doesn't make me a 'kept woman'.

Could you revisit your belief that you can’t afford your own place? I know several people who have health issues, don’t work or very part time, and who live in really nice housing association ground floor flats.

Your own secure home could make all the difference to you.

In reality the OP is a 38 year old middle aged woman with an autoimmune condition who is single, childless, skint and lives with her step father.

She is not a young woman in early adulthood and I doubt the classic MN High Earning Nigel or Graham is waiting just around the corner to make it all better.

I bet your life would look very different if you didn't have hubby earning the big money and effectively propping up your current lifestyle.

Pretty much all married women with high earning Nigels and Grahams are kept women unless they have equivalent high earning careers.

If you're middle aged at merely 38 that's a shame.

Nobody marries a man named Nigel, this isn't 1976 after all...

You don't HAVE to struggle for a pittance though. Why do women not want to strive to earn better?

^

No, no, no.

Women are hugely limited in their earning potential. Massively.

Many woman strive for better and get...nowhere.

Trying hard doesn't equal success.

Hi Rishi, nice of you to enter the chat. I still won’t be voting for you though.

What type of work do you do now?