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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

10 year old alone after school?

309 replies

Picklelicklemk · 03/04/2024 15:46

In a bit of a pickle. Our DC becomes too old for a local nursery we use for after school in a couple of months. I don't finish work until 5pm and home for 5.30pm.

School finishes at 3.15pm what am I supposed to do to bridge the gap? Is 10 too young to be alone? DC is fairly sensible and trustworthy but just seems so young!

No family or friends we can rely on.

What do other people do for after school care when their DC hit this age? TIA

OP posts:
Willmafrockfit · 07/04/2024 11:49

can he go to friends after school?

GeWhizzy · 07/04/2024 12:22

titchy · 03/04/2024 15:56

And no you cannot leave them to get themselves home and then be left alone for two hours. Childminder, nanny, babysitter, change hours at work, leave early, work from home. All options working parents of year 5 kids have to use. Fending for themselves is neglect. Quite shocked you have to ask tbh.

I'm a child's social worker (safeguarding), I can say, this is not necessarily neglect. Whilst 10 is quite young, there is no legal age limit. If child is sensible, knows what to do in a emergency then it's your choice. However, if something was to happen at home, it could be deemed as neglectful. It is a really tricky one, and having an 11 year old, I often toy with the same thought. There is no perfect answer, I do leave my 11 year old up to an hour, on occasion, but I do worry.

1plus1equalswindow · 07/04/2024 12:36

neglect is starving them. Not letting them become independent is over parenting. Think ginger bread house…

Notamum12345577 · 07/04/2024 12:39

titchy · 03/04/2024 15:56

And no you cannot leave them to get themselves home and then be left alone for two hours. Childminder, nanny, babysitter, change hours at work, leave early, work from home. All options working parents of year 5 kids have to use. Fending for themselves is neglect. Quite shocked you have to ask tbh.

In your opinion. A lot of 10 year olds would be fine for a couple of hours.

Booksandwine80 · 07/04/2024 12:44

Missing the point but where the hell do you live that a childminder can charge £16 an hour? That’s extortionate 😲

lemonmeringueno3 · 07/04/2024 12:48

I'm a teacher. Many children in Y6 make their own way home and are unsupervised for a few hours before parents arrive home. They all seem to have a structured plan - get changed, snack, homework, tv for example - and emergency numbers to call.

You could reduce the number of days it is necessary by booking them into some clubs or activities after school on some of the days.

I wouldn't think it was appropriate if they were supervising younger siblings, using appliances such as the oven, or didn't know what to do in an emergency. But a sensible 10/11 year old should be fine. Regardless of what some think, many families do it out of necessity.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 07/04/2024 12:57

My now 15 yo was ok when she was 11, which she turned just after starting yr 6. She and some friends used to walk home together (all autumn born).

My youngest is 10 and there’s no way I could leave him. I can’t even leave him alone to pop to the shops - mainly because he wouldn’t feel safe but still. He can stay with the 15 yo obviously.

Is there no other after school provision in your village at all?

DragonFly98 · 07/04/2024 13:43

titchy · 03/04/2024 15:56

And no you cannot leave them to get themselves home and then be left alone for two hours. Childminder, nanny, babysitter, change hours at work, leave early, work from home. All options working parents of year 5 kids have to use. Fending for themselves is neglect. Quite shocked you have to ask tbh.

Don't be ridiculous of course it's fine.

gemma19846 · 07/04/2024 14:13

Yes 10 is too young! After school club?

LanaL · 07/04/2024 14:23

titchy · 03/04/2024 15:56

And no you cannot leave them to get themselves home and then be left alone for two hours. Childminder, nanny, babysitter, change hours at work, leave early, work from home. All options working parents of year 5 kids have to use. Fending for themselves is neglect. Quite shocked you have to ask tbh.

“fending for themselves “ ? She’s considered her 10 year child being alone for a 1-1.5 hours, in a safe warm house which I’m sure has food in, during the day . She’s not asked if it’s ok to dump him in the middle of a forest , with a hunting knife to find his own dinner !!!

These are not all options that all parents have . Not all schools have childminders that serve them. Not all schools have after school clubs . Not all workplaces offer flexible hours or working from home ( eg teachers - absolutely no way to change your hours or work from home , that’s just one ) .

It is absolutely not neglect . I think many children of this age probably do this . It’s all dependant on circumstances . Guidance by NSPCC says that “children under 12 are rarely able to be left alone for long periods of time “ - it doesn’t say it’s neglect and it doesn’t say ‘never’ and it doesn’t specify what a long period of time is . Because it is all dependent on many circumstances. There are children that are too young to be able to be alone safely at all that are left alone , that are not fed , that don’t have their basic needs met and this is neglect - neglect is a strong word and I don’t think this situation calls for it at all .

Schools are happy to let children leave alone in y5 . They are 9 when they start year 5 . I’m not saying 9 is ok , but that is what happens .

LanaL · 07/04/2024 14:29

neverbeenskiing · 04/04/2024 10:14

School Safeguarding Lead here. It's not quite as simple as "this is neglect" or "it isn't neglect". There are a lot of variables and context is very important. One of the biggest challenges in safeguarding is making a distinction between a parent neglecting their child and parenting that is not ideal or in line with how I or my colleagues would personally parent our children. There are many things I would personally not wish for my children that do not come under the category of neglect or abuse.

At the school where I work Teachers will not release a child to walk home alone until Year 5. That is school policy. Once they are in Year 5 parents can send in written permission for them to walk/cycle home independently if they wish.
If someone came to me with a concern that a 10 year old child was going home to an empty house and would be there alone until their adult returned later in the evening I would speak to the parent, and the child to establish the following:

What time will the parent usually be home? If it's 5.30/6pm that's very different to it being so late into the evening that the child is unable to have dinner or go to bed at a reasonable time.

How does the child feel about being left alone? If they are distressed or worried by the situation that would be a concern.

Do they have access to a landline or mobile so they can seek help in the event of a problem?

Does the child understand what they would need to do in the event of an emergency and can they explain this confidently?

Has the child sustained any injury or harm as a result of being left unsupervised?

How far away from home does their parent work and are they contactable? If they're not able to get back quickly in the event of a problem I would expect them to have a neighbour/relative/family friend on 'standby' that the child could easily get in touch with.

This would also need to be considered in the context of the child's general presentation. Are they generally happy, well rested, clean and well turned out? Are they generally on time for school and is their homework being done? Rightly or wrongly, if the child is happy, seems to be progressing well and there were no other safeguarding concerns then I can guarantee that Children's Services would not be interested in a capable 10 year old being on their own for a couple of hours each afternoon after school.

What an extremely useful , informative and well thought out reply . Not based on opinion but based on facts and well informed . I think this is exactly the type of response the OP needs to help her make an informed decision , rather than judgement , accusations of neglect and opinions .

It also concerns me on this thread at how quickly people throw the word neglect around . It makes me wonder if people are blinded to the actual , real neglect that some children suffer .

candyisdandybutliquorisquicker · 07/04/2024 14:32

@LanaL It's quite extreme for a 10-year-old never to have been outside alone. Does he have additional needs? If he's starting high school next year you really should work on getting him some independence.

Lorralorr · 07/04/2024 14:41

Picklelicklemk · 03/04/2024 20:19

When you take into consideration I work for minimum wage, £11.44 an hour. I do a 7 hour shift, the childminder, and I must stress the only registered childminder in the area that would offer a school pick up, is £16 per hour with a minimum of a 3 hour block booking. This coupled with the fact I travel 30 minutes each way to work and pay national insurance on top of my wage it comes out around £30 for a 7 hour shift. So yes I am really the monster considering trusting my child to fend for themselves for an hour or so to avoid working for peanuts, we are on the breadline as it is.

Show quote history

Are there any other families in the area who you could come to some sort of shared arrangement with? Whether sharing a babysitter or actually remunerating in some way DS friends’ families to have him regularly?

second suggestion - possibly a no goer but it sounds like maybe you are a carer? Could DS get to your place of work and watch TV or do homework somewhere quietly in the persons house where you work? Is it worth asking?

Then could you come to some kind of termtime timetable - he goes to one friends house Mondays, another friends house Tuesdays, to your place of work weds, your partner deals with Thursdays, pay childminder just one day? Or something??

have you checked Koru kids as they match families to babysitters for regular after school care - patchy coverage though and also can be £££

good luck

Antibetty · 07/04/2024 14:55

Pay a teenager to be a "buddy sitter" for a couple of hours after school every day.

Natsku · 07/04/2024 15:05

“fending for themselves “ ? She’s considered her 10 year child being alone for a 1-1.5 hours, in a safe warm house which I’m sure has food in, during the day . She’s not asked if it’s ok to dump him in the middle of a forest , with a hunting knife to find his own dinner !!!

Just reminded me of my DD's scout camp when she was 10. The children were 'dumped' in the middle of a forest (in groups of 3) with a map and a compass and told to find their way to the campsite, in the pouring rain. No adults with them (they had their phones with them with whatsapp location sharing to the adults, but turned out reception wasn't that great in the forest) and they had to cook their dinner (though not hunt it!) over camping stoves (which DD said was the best bit).

Valleypop · 07/04/2024 15:07

candyisdandybutliquorisquicker · 07/04/2024 14:32

@LanaL It's quite extreme for a 10-year-old never to have been outside alone. Does he have additional needs? If he's starting high school next year you really should work on getting him some independence.

Well, he plays outside in the grove with his friends , he’s just not ever really been on any kind of journey alone or left the grove . It’s not really been a conscious choice - we live quite far from the local shop , he would have to cross 2 roads ( admittedly it’s a quiet area ) , but he’s never asked and there has just never really been a need . He has no additional needs and I guess you are right , I probably should start encouraging him a bit more .

Gymmum82 · 07/04/2024 15:13

My year 5 child has walked herself home since the start of y5 when she was 9 and let herself in and looked after herself until 5.30pm 3 days a week. More recently 5 days a week as I’ve had to work additional hours. She even sorts her own dinner, usually warming something I’ve made up in the microwave.
It’s no different to what I did as a child from y5 you were on your own taking yourself to and from school, latchkey kids and the dangers have not changed. We just mollycoddle kids more these days.
As long as he has means of contacting you should he need to it’s fine and doesn’t sound like you have an alternative

Soontobe60 · 07/04/2024 15:13

whatkatydid2014 · 03/04/2024 15:57

I should add I think it depends a bit what is typical. Where we live virtually all the Y5 kids walk to/from school & activities alone and it’s pretty normal that they are home alone for some time at least some nights. The school does offer lots of free/cheap clubs though

In my primary school, if we knew that a child was being left alone for 2 hours every night after school we would be concerned.
You mention not being able to leave a vulnerable adult alone - I assume that’s your job? But neither should you leave a vulnerable child alone for that length of time. You also say ‘we’. Again I assume there is a DP/H around that can also contribute to childcare costs?

SallyWD · 07/04/2024 15:16

My son's been doing this one day a week since he was 10. He's quite an anxious child but he's fine with it. Any problems and I call an Uber and be home in ten mins (but there has never been a problem)

buswankerz · 07/04/2024 15:17

It's fine op. If your kid is responsible and knows to lock the door behind them and not answer it then it's fine.

Ds is 13 soon and has additional needs. At 10 he had a key to the house and got himself to and from school either alone or meeting friends each morning. I was around in the morning before he left but wouldn't get in until 4pm so he was alone for 45 minutes 4 days a week.

His friend at 10 was alone in the house from 8am, had to make his own lunch each morning and get himself to school.

Pluviophile1 · 07/04/2024 16:01

Are there any after school clubs? Does the school run a breakfast club? The latter is usually inexpensive. Could you change your hours to start work earlier and finish earlier and bridge the gap that way?

Northe · 07/04/2024 17:05

I think it's absolutely fine as long as you and her are both confident about it. It doesn't sound like you are though so you have a couple of months to work on that. In our area kids walk to school from 9 when they start middle school. My child was nine recently so we are already practising talking about scenarios, leaving him at home for short periods, making sure he knows our phone numbers and who he can trust etc. You guys have got this! Two hours isn't so long and presumably she can stop and run some errands en route etc. so it's not as daunting.

HaveTeaWillSurvive · 07/04/2024 17:36

Only problem I’d have with it (assuming child is happy too) is that it is every day and possibly a bit boring for them but if there’s no after school clubs then needs must. We started leaving DS home alone for brief periods from about 11 to build independence before high school. We have a ring camera and I can call him on iPad to check in. It would be a disservice to him otherwise imo. Common for most children to start walking home alone here at about 8 and almost all NT children would be by end of P4 (think that’s Y3 in England?) - UK, large village for context.

Londonrach1 · 07/04/2024 17:39

Depends on your child...it's potentially a year too young but every child is different...only you know if your child can do it...can child call you or 999 in case of a problem

ScarlettOBan · 07/04/2024 17:43

My oldest is in Year 5 and about half of his classmates walk home alone and let themselves in and wait for a parent to get home.

We’re in London if that makes a difference (so as per most towns, no country roads to navigate and lots of immediate neighbours/shops etc if help was needed).