Brother is blackmailing me. wwyd?

[Polishedshoesalways]

My brother and I grew up in the 70s, this is relevant because he says our childhood is ‘normal’ and ‘fine’ and just like everyone else’s childhood at that time.

To be clear my father hit my mother, and was very violent from my earliest memory. He would lock me in the loft, or stand over me pummelling my body with his fists as a very young child. He would fly into a temper at the slightest provocation, and we all lived in total fear of him. The police and neighbours came to our house on more than a few occasions.

My father said repeatedly that he never wanted kids, and we didn’t have a relationship at all as we grew up. He hated spending any time with us. We spent most of our childhood trying to stay safe and avoid his violent outbursts.

I developed anorexia as a teenager due to his unkind comments about my body, and later tried to commit suicide because I found it hard to imagine continuing and I could see no way out. I recovered in time and grew into an healthy (ish) happy (ish) adult, and made a life for myself.

Fast forward to now I have had extensive and very helpful therapy for a few years, and after my father started to make my own children cry by humiliating them and calling them horrible names, I finally found the courage to cut contact with him.

My psychotherapist at the time said he is unwilling and unable to change and I must prioritise my dc. I understood I could not allow my dc to suffer in the same way I did. It hurt so much, but I took the decision to keep them safe from him.

My brother stopped talking to me around this time. He said I am being ‘cruel’ to my father by refusing to see him. That he is getting older and cutting him off is unforgivable of me. I am evil apparently.

I have now lost almost all of my family. My mother barely keeps in contact bar a daily text and I occasionally visit her alone or with dc. My brother continues to abuse me by email saying he ‘hates’ me and why can’t I just ‘put up with it’. My aunt now has family gatherings but doesn’t invite us.

I am being made to feel like the unreasonable person here, despite my therapists and my dh and all of my friends saying what happened to me is child abuse.

It’s been such a high price to pay to keep my children safe, and I feel broken by my brother’s relentless efforts to emotionally blackmail me into contact with my father (my abuser) or he will continue to ignore me as he has done for the last few years. My brother has given me an ultimatum- accept my father back into mine and my children’s life or be exiled by the whole family basically. I do not want any contact with father, my brother disregards this.

My mother has enabled all of this, but I see her as a victim of DV although he doesn’t hit her anymore - he is cruel in other ways, she has said she will never leave him. So she has made her choice, and it’s to stay with him.

What would you do?

You are absolutely doing the right thing. As a PP has said even though its hard what you are doing, the alternative is far far worse and will never get better. You are breaking the cycle of abuse by not allowing it to happen to your DC in some form. Respect to you. You can do this.

You don't want these kind of people in your life nothing good will come from it. They have given you a reason to cut them off take it as gift.
So sorry your still having to deal this sort of shit years on.

Your brother is furious because he doesnt want to admit the damage your dad caused him- he is in complete denial and is like a child covering their eyes saying they wont look at it so therefore it doesnt exist. Hence you are getting his anger because you are a "safe" target for it and he knows you wont challenge him on it.

This is all really tough for you and I am so sorry you didnt have the parents that you absolutely deserved. Agree that you have to cut your brother and your father out of your life completely- he will destroy your life like a cancerous tumour if you allow this to continue. Block him and as a PP said, walk away. You deserve a life of peace and love and you have that now with your own DC. If you allow them to be exposed yo your father they will be abused too. This has to stop now- with you, so stop it and dont let this toxicity infect yet another generation. Remember that this is all your brother's choice - he is choosing aggression and nastiness over peace and reconciliation and it is him causing this, not you.

You mention future funerals a lot but dont focus on that now, focus on your actual life and how valuable it is - time is precious for all of us and you absolutely dont have to live like this. I wish you the very best x

Oddly enough thats what my brother wrote in a text to me that 'neither you nor your husband will be invited to mums funeral'. This was a brother that lived 8 hours away while we were at mums beck and call for years. Mum knew nothing about it and as she was dying I didnt tell her, so he got away with it. My dad was an aggressive domineering man who managed not to show it to his own side of the family or to men. My brother to my great surprise turned out to be made from the same cloth. I think looking back that they both had a personality disorder, perhaps narcissism. Whatever it was they would both set themselves on fire before they apologised for anything. Being right was their forte.

I will tell you the main regret in my life, putting up with abuse from my parents for decades. I should have blocked them years ago, but i kept going back. They never change and as they dont think they abused you in the first place they will see nothing wrong with you being their carer in old age, after all its womens work! You really dont want that as its the final insult to you. Block your brother after one final warning re his abusive texts. Get your mum to visit you so you dont need to be anywhere near your dad or brother. If a friend did this to you you wouldnt think twice about what to do, this is no different. You are doing well, just stop accepting those texts from your brother

I’m sorry about what you experienced. Your dad was abusive to you there’s no shadow of doubt there.
cut contact, protect yourself and dc.
in all honesty I feel your brother is alike your father, being abusive and gaslighting which is not surprising given he is trying to brush it under the carpet as ‘it’s just dad’ no sorry it’s not and it’s not normal. I’ve worked in social services for years and it is abuse, it’s not normal but it is what you have both known.
your mum is obviously still within an abusive relationship, no hitting aside. But you need to do what’s right for you if that is going to set you back further
good luck x

Cut them off - how is there even doubt or a question on this?
Im not saying you wouldn’t have sad moments from time to time, but staying in contact with toxic family has no benefits. You will have a much more thorough closure from your situation with your dad if you weren’t still communicating with your mum and others - that’s my experience anyway
like… yes it may be hard in some ways to do this, but it’s not a hard question to answer. It’s the only way. Just put yourself and your kids first

I am an only child and my, much loved, parents are dead. I had an aunt and uncle and a cousin who we were very close to as I grew up. My cousin became increasingly sly and nasty towards me- made horrible remarks that no one else ever heard, belittled me, told her parents things about me that were untrue.On the surface she was my closest cousin, she was also the one who made me miserable whenever I saw her. I thought she'd grow out of it as we grew up but she became worse and somehow I believed I was to be pitied- despite being much more successful academically and career-wise.
She met a man when she was 25 (had never had a boyfriend) was engaged 10 days later and married 3 months later. I had a long-term relationship end a year later and then met someone else and 3 years later that ended. She was so mean and said some awful things.
I made the decision to cut all contact with her. I never explained it to anyone - just briefly to my mam but I didn't want her to feel pressured to explain it to my aunt and uncle when they asked questions. My cousin wrote me a series of letters demanding answers. I ignored them. Then she started sending them Recorded Delivery/Signed for. I refused to accept them. Then she made a booking for us to meet at Fenwick's Tea Room in Newcastle 'to discuss this issue.' I ignored that as well.
It took a long time for her to stop.
I have never regretted it. The pressure and negativity and nastiness that went with her have never been missed. I felt very empowered by taking control and stopping her having any power to hurt me.
It meant I had no family at all once my aunts and uncles died. My other cousins either moved away or are in other countries. I have one in London who I am close to but that one is quite a lot older than me.
I have DH now, our 3 DC and my PIL and a few good friends and they are enough for me.

I have decided to tell my friends the truth. This thread has given me the confidence to tell them my shameful secret, that my family are toxic bullies that cause nothing but misery and harm. I would want to know if this had happened/was happening to them.

Good. Then cut your parents and brother off completely. Remember that your family are simply people who gave you your DNA. Friends are the family you choose.

And you don't have to go to any funerals. In fact I wouldn't blame you if you opened a bottle of fizz and danced round a few trees that day.

🌳🌲🌳🌲🍾💃

Yes.

And then forget them.

You have one life OP, cut them all out and enjoy your lovely life with your own family. Your brother sounds like an arsehole, I can understand your mam as a lifelong victim.

This. It isn't worth the grief you will put on yourself and your children.

Just because you are blood doesn't mean you have to call them family.

The only way you are being unreasonable (and I understand why) is by saying this is a high price to pay. Getting rid of toxic family members is not a price, it is a gift (although it takes a while to see it that way).

I don't talk to my dad, but even if I did I would be happy not to if it kept my niblings safe. Even if only from seeing their parents experience this negativity.

I have read that people remain (emotionally) the age at which they suffered traumatic abuse - if it's prolonged abuse they can be emotionally trapped as infants, even though physically and intellectually they continue to grow and mature.

It is a young child's instinct to love their parents and to turn to them for protection - after all, there is no-one else and their survival depends upon it. I think this is why we find it so very hard to let go of the people who have abused us as children, inside, where it matters, we. are still 3 or 4 or 5 or whatever, and desperate for parental love an approval.

You have nothing to be ashamed of OP.

Your mum , brother and aunt have all processed this differently and that is not your responsibility- you know what really happened.
You might find it helpful to write a letter to each of the people involved and express your real thoughts and feelings. You DO NOT send the letters but you use them as a means to have your say.
Above all remember you have done nothing wrong so you have no reason to be ashamed. You have every reason to be proud of yourself by protecting your children and yourself.

FWIW @Polishedshoesalways - nobody can stop you attending a funeral whether in church or at the crematorium. They can stop you going to any wake, but not a funeral if you decide that that would bring you closure.

You sound like a good mother, you’ve put them first. You may feel like you have no family, but you have your children and I bet you’ll have a loving strong bond with them into their adulthood. I hope you have lots of lovely friends, continue with the therapy, best of luck.

Block or report brother.
you have your own family and life now
just because you are related, you don’t have to like them

Sounds like your brother has learnt to behave like your father. I think you need to ignore him, not respond etc. I would try and keep contact with your mum as your brother doesn’t get to decide. Losing contact may be sad. But it’s not necessarily a bad thing. It may set you free.

@Polishedshoesalways I had an almost visceral reaction to your post...and my heart goes out to you. I had practically the same childhood as you and I so relate to everything you say about how you feel. I've never been able to tell my friends , partly because of misplaced shame but also I would struggle greatly trying to put my childhood into words. The extreme acts of cruelty my father inflicted on my mum, my brother and myself are unspeakable. My brother and I both left home as soon as we possibly could and thankfully my mother was able , with my help, to finally leave after 30 years of married hell. I often asked her why she didn't leave sooner and she said quite simply there was nowhere to go. He had alienated her from her family and his family were afraid of him. I went completely nc with my father when I left home and in the intervening years until he died I only saw him once. He never met my three sons, I would never subject them to even the tiniest hint of the abuse I suffered. You are doing the right thing in protecting your precious children. I would completely block your brother from any form of communication as his cruel words are reopening old wounds. I feel so sorry for your mum but in reality there isn't a lot you can do if she can't leave him.
I am fortunate that my brother and I remain very close although he lives abroad and we don't get the chance to meet up often. We were both terribly damaged by our childhood . I have received therapy which has helped but my brother coped by burying it all inside. I have vivid memories unfortunately but he has blocked a lot of it out. He has a lovely wife, been married 34 years . They don't have children and I once asked him did they never consider having a family. His reply broke my heart...he said he was frightened to have children in case it triggered something that made him like our father. In reality he's the gentlest most loving man I know and I hate my father even more for that , than anything he ever did to me.
I hope you find peace of mind in whatever you decide to do. You deserve it. x

Well done, OP.

YOU are capable of doing what your mother never had the strength to do - put the children first.

You are providing the protection from harm that you never had.

I am so glad you got therapy. If not, you are likely to have given in to some of the bullying tactics your brother probably learned from your Dad.

Your best bet to be free of this continuing manipulation and abuse (because that's what it is) is to block your brother on all channels, including email, and focus on the fact that you're doing the RIGHT THING.

You deserve to be free of these attacks. Block the abuse and move on.x.

Sounds like your brother has taken after your father and is also in deep denial. Block him.
If you can have a safe and non-toxic visit with your mum one:one then do so if you feel comfortable.
Good for you for seeking therapy and breaking the cycle. Very few have the courage to do it. ❤️

It's clear from your posts that you don't realise what an incredible woman you are OP

Honestly, leave them behind. Block and delete. You are already magnitudes better than them. Press that button and breathe!

I haven't spoken to my sister for over twenty years as a result of her abuse. The day I cut her off was like standing in a pool of light.

Your brother is acting like many adult children of abusive parents do. He's trying to appease his father, he's probably getting it worse now it's not being shared with you. You've essentially kept him in the trenches. But you can't help him. He has to help himself. All you can do is save yourself and your kids.

It's like Stockholm syndrome I guess, and you can't give any credit to what he says, it's his traumatised inner child speaking.

Reading this made my heart break for you, both adult-you and child-you.

I am so sorry this happened to you, you did not deserve it. Any of it.

I wish you peace

This broke my heart. Your poor brother and SIL - still controlled from beyond the grave by a brutal father.

Some men are such vile scum