Brother is blackmailing me. wwyd?

[Polishedshoesalways]

My brother and I grew up in the 70s, this is relevant because he says our childhood is ‘normal’ and ‘fine’ and just like everyone else’s childhood at that time.

To be clear my father hit my mother, and was very violent from my earliest memory. He would lock me in the loft, or stand over me pummelling my body with his fists as a very young child. He would fly into a temper at the slightest provocation, and we all lived in total fear of him. The police and neighbours came to our house on more than a few occasions.

My father said repeatedly that he never wanted kids, and we didn’t have a relationship at all as we grew up. He hated spending any time with us. We spent most of our childhood trying to stay safe and avoid his violent outbursts.

I developed anorexia as a teenager due to his unkind comments about my body, and later tried to commit suicide because I found it hard to imagine continuing and I could see no way out. I recovered in time and grew into an healthy (ish) happy (ish) adult, and made a life for myself.

Fast forward to now I have had extensive and very helpful therapy for a few years, and after my father started to make my own children cry by humiliating them and calling them horrible names, I finally found the courage to cut contact with him.

My psychotherapist at the time said he is unwilling and unable to change and I must prioritise my dc. I understood I could not allow my dc to suffer in the same way I did. It hurt so much, but I took the decision to keep them safe from him.

My brother stopped talking to me around this time. He said I am being ‘cruel’ to my father by refusing to see him. That he is getting older and cutting him off is unforgivable of me. I am evil apparently.

I have now lost almost all of my family. My mother barely keeps in contact bar a daily text and I occasionally visit her alone or with dc. My brother continues to abuse me by email saying he ‘hates’ me and why can’t I just ‘put up with it’. My aunt now has family gatherings but doesn’t invite us.

I am being made to feel like the unreasonable person here, despite my therapists and my dh and all of my friends saying what happened to me is child abuse.

It’s been such a high price to pay to keep my children safe, and I feel broken by my brother’s relentless efforts to emotionally blackmail me into contact with my father (my abuser) or he will continue to ignore me as he has done for the last few years. My brother has given me an ultimatum- accept my father back into mine and my children’s life or be exiled by the whole family basically. I do not want any contact with father, my brother disregards this.

My mother has enabled all of this, but I see her as a victim of DV although he doesn’t hit her anymore - he is cruel in other ways, she has said she will never leave him. So she has made her choice, and it’s to stay with him.

What would you do?

Went nc ten years ago. Life is so much easier.

Your brother is a grade A scumbag.
Your only priority is yourself and your children.

I read your first post and wondered if this was your brother’s motivation.
However blessed he is financially, he will never be happy.
Better to walk away from them if you’re doing ok without them. Your physical and mental health is more important.

You need to cut out all of them. Easier said than done, I know, but you need to protect your own mental health and that of your kids.

By continuing to stay in touch whilst your dad hasn't changed will only repeat the cycle.

Your brother is perpetuating the abuse as his role model was shit, albeit in different ways other than physically.

OP it must be horribly hard to be in your shoes but you are very brave and you are protecting your family.

Sending hugs xx

Block your brother. Don’t be blackmailed by him to forgive and stay LC with your mum. Your stepdad sounds appalling not only won’t he admit to what he’s done (I think I’m reading this right) but he tried to abuse your own DC which is unforgivable and definitely a reason for going NC, for your brother to blackmail you means he’s condoning that behaviour to them. I’m sorry this has happens to you.

I have similar history with my stepdad and mum. Stepdad used to smack me and DB hard on bare bottoms at least a few times a year for things we’d done wrong and then lock us in a bedroom a lot and once in a room in a house at a party. He also used to fly into rages and get violent with my DM present. I was scared of my stepdad and after a smack verging on a beating from my stepdad to my brother he didn’t tease me anymore (my brother didn’t tease me), but it was a total overreaction by my stepdad, he had no idea about discipline. Somehow DM never knew about the smacks so once when I brought it up of course stepdad lied and denied it had ever happened at all. DM probably thinks I was lying. If I’ve ever brought it up with DB he says to forget the past even though his last beating happened when our 2 best friends were there and they saw and heard it all. The only time my stepdad was caught out was when he slapped me across the face when I was 8/9 for backchatting him and DM saw and went mad. Stepdad had to apologise to me and bought me a stuffed toy. I’ve got no idea why he let his mask slip then or thought it was even acceptable but was on the house stairs so DM was nearby. The worst was his sarcasm though and when I lived at home up to age 21 when people came for dinner he’d get drunk and berate the English as he’s Irish knowing full well me and DM and our guests are English. Since DB has had children my stepdad has said things like he was too young to be a father when he met DM in his early to mid 20s and I deliberately say in front of them when I go over that I’d never hit a child just in conversation but in front of stepdad. Oh and stepdad is total opposite now, the perfect man to outsiders.

The thing is if I go LC or NC with DM it’s make it really awkward for her, I couldn’t visit her or not when DB and his family is there. I do control when they visit my house though. DM will never leave my stepdad but strangely enough told me that her big Victorian house is in her name only and not his jointly as she paid off the mortgage. They jointly own a holiday home in France and she owns BTL properties with me and DB though one of these she’s shared profits with stepdad recently.

So your mother, wider family, police and school, if they knew, failed to protect you.

Disgraceful.

@Polishedshoesalways 100% cut all contact. I promise you this is not normal.
You said you are too ashamed to tell your friends in real life. Tell them, it’s not your shake to hide. You’re are going to cut contact with your family a your dad physically and emotionally abused you and was trying to do the same to your children.
Of course your brother beloved you should do the care and he should get the money. He’s been trained by your dad.

I know this sounds strange but have you ever spoken to your father about what he’s done?

I did a few years ago. I lost my temper when I went over and confronted him over everything to try to get him to admit what he’d done which of course he denied it all.
He was red in the face almost hitting me as he got angry denying it all but at least I knew I was telling the truth. DM was there too. I’m pleased I confronted him though and didn’t let it lay unspoken. I don’t need to say it again as I know my truth.

I just want to say how sorry I am that your father did that to you (and to your mother). I feel your brother is minimising the abuse which feels abusive too. I do wonder if he is doing that because he doesn't want to face up to who your dad is.

You have done the right thing in prioritising your children. It sounds like they are very lucky to have you as their Mum. I know it feels like a high price to pay but I think your family has made this decision for you - you can't have your kids around your father.

sending all the best wishes

I’m sorry, OP, your mother is his enabler. How could she stay and allow this to happen throughout your childhood? You’re doing the right thing protecting your children. I’d send your brother one last text saying ‘You’re also an abuser, mentally abusing me.’ Send him the message with a photo of your scar. You’re doing the right thing. You don’t have to attend any funerals unless you want to spit on your father’s grave.

@Polishedshoesalways

I'm so so sorry that you've experienced this horrible abuse from your dad and now your brother. You now need to completely block your brother so there is no further abuse.

You've mentioned a few times about your parent's funerals and it got me thinking.

I think you need to ask yourself why you would even consider attending your dad's funeral. I certainly wouldn't, not even for my mum if I knew my brother was going to be there. The man was a monster, he doesn't deserve even your fake symbol of 'respect' by you showing up. Heck, I'd probably spend the 'occasion' of his funeral celebrating! Grief needs to be as honest an emotion as love is. And there is no reason for you to honestly grieve him, he doesn't deserve it, just as he doesn't deserve your love.

As far as your mum's I understand you wanting to be there. But honestly, how much real grieving would you even be able to do with your brother and, unless he dies first, your dad there? It would be a horrible occasion filled with fear of a 'scene' and the tension of being on tenterhooks waiting for one. If it were me, I wouldn't attend but would go to a beauty spot or a favorite place of my mum's (or mine) and spend the hours remembering and grieving in peace.

As far as inheritance, you certainly deserve your fair share, but IMHO it's certainly not worth the emotional trauma of toeing your dad's and your brother's lines.

OP you have broken the cycle and protected your own children - for this, you deserve a medal.

there are no excuses for your brother’s behaviour. My father is a wicked person. I have cut him off, I am very lucky my parents are divorced and my mum is free. My brother treats his own children like princesses, despite having been treated like shit by my father. There is no excuse for your brother replicating the abuse.

as for his texts, you could ignore them.

I hope your dad dies soon. You are not obligated to go to any funeral. But should you wish to go to his, you are absolutely not obligated to stand up and say anything and you don’t need to say anything nice about him at all if people are talkkg
to you.

Haven't rtft but wanted to comment on "bar a daily text" as you having little contact with your mother. I think that for a healthy mother-adult child relationship that is not a small amount of contact. It might work for some but for other pairs it would be a worryingly large amount of contact; a phone call once a week or once a fortnight is a more typical amount of contact IME. You might want to wonder whether your mother is relying on you more than you'd like, or vice versa. It's fine not to answer texts that often, or to back off in other ways, if you'd like.

I’m sorry to come over like a cold hearted bitch here but fuck your father and brother. You owe your father zilch.!!!!!!!
How dare your brother say you should just put up with it. You put up with enough when you were a child. I’m so angry here on your behalf.

I don't see how this is this is hard decision....just cut off all your family! You don't need these people and I'm sure you'll be happier without the drama. Concentrate on your own kids and little circle.

Your brother hates you because you have the strength to do what he should have done and never could find the courage. He feels small, angry and weak in comparison to you, so the nasty resentment you are getting is what he is feeling and projecting on to you.
block them all and do not give in. You were abused and you continue to be abused. Enjoy your life and don’t look back.

Eeek! Another one who thinks you should go no contact with them all. I had the standard my-parents-got-divorced upbringing but your upbringing was very traumatic. If that had been me growing up I don’t know how I would have survived. Your brother is essentially a damaged product of that environment and everything he says needs to be framed in that context.

I think you are amazing for breaking the inter generational pattern in terms of your own children. I don’t think you will regret going no contact and freeing yourself from being guilted and manipulated.

OP just posting to say you are so strong to have come this far through therapy and making better choices along the way that offer your kids a better future without the same generational mistakes and baggage as the past. It takes much bravery to do this.

As PP's have advised, block your brother. Stick with the therapy to get yourself through that and reap the rewards for years to come of investing in your own healthy and loving family unit.

You are all victims of your father's abuse but whereas you have sought help for the trauma you suffered and are protecting yourself and your children, your mother and brother continue to remain with him. Your brother is continuing the cycle of abuse and you need to do what you did with your father and break all contact with him.

I understand you are related to them but they are not only not adding anything positive your life but he is actively making it worse and you do not need to put up with it .

You could just block him - personally I would summarise what you said above - point out this is not normal - many, many children were not victims of physical and mental abuse by their fathers or have the police visit the house. He can spin the narrative that this was normal in the 70s but you disagree and you will not tolerate your brother berating you any longer and then block him.

I agree with this. Why would you even want these people in your life, other than your mother, but even she is at fault for staying with your father all this time. Go totally NC with your brother and forget about them - you have your own life now, no reason for them to be a part of it.

Please do not waive. I wish my parents had protected me more from abusive grandparents. The damage stays with you

I would block your brother and not look back.

I'm low contact with my brother he's a spiteful arrogant arse, who gets more and more bitter as the years go on but has never held down a job for long as thinks the world owes him a living. I found I had to walk on egg shells around him waiting for the next attack he also frightened my children once when he kicked off and that was the final straw.

Honestly it feels painful to start but now it's just relief I have slightly older teens and I'm very honest with them as to why we don't see him and as an extension their cousins and I actually think it's good for them to understand you have to be true to your boundaries.

Sadly he lives with my DM so I don't see much of her but she also never protected us from his temper as he got older and doesn't ever stand up to him. She made the monster so she has to live with it really!

Chatting to people friends you will find at least one other person who has a similar story or at least in my friendship group there is.

You know that you’re doing the right thing then, don’t let your brother convince you otherwise. Perhaps he isn’t strong enough to break the connection and the cycle, but you are.