Brother is blackmailing me. wwyd?

[Polishedshoesalways]

My brother and I grew up in the 70s, this is relevant because he says our childhood is ‘normal’ and ‘fine’ and just like everyone else’s childhood at that time.

To be clear my father hit my mother, and was very violent from my earliest memory. He would lock me in the loft, or stand over me pummelling my body with his fists as a very young child. He would fly into a temper at the slightest provocation, and we all lived in total fear of him. The police and neighbours came to our house on more than a few occasions.

My father said repeatedly that he never wanted kids, and we didn’t have a relationship at all as we grew up. He hated spending any time with us. We spent most of our childhood trying to stay safe and avoid his violent outbursts.

I developed anorexia as a teenager due to his unkind comments about my body, and later tried to commit suicide because I found it hard to imagine continuing and I could see no way out. I recovered in time and grew into an healthy (ish) happy (ish) adult, and made a life for myself.

Fast forward to now I have had extensive and very helpful therapy for a few years, and after my father started to make my own children cry by humiliating them and calling them horrible names, I finally found the courage to cut contact with him.

My psychotherapist at the time said he is unwilling and unable to change and I must prioritise my dc. I understood I could not allow my dc to suffer in the same way I did. It hurt so much, but I took the decision to keep them safe from him.

My brother stopped talking to me around this time. He said I am being ‘cruel’ to my father by refusing to see him. That he is getting older and cutting him off is unforgivable of me. I am evil apparently.

I have now lost almost all of my family. My mother barely keeps in contact bar a daily text and I occasionally visit her alone or with dc. My brother continues to abuse me by email saying he ‘hates’ me and why can’t I just ‘put up with it’. My aunt now has family gatherings but doesn’t invite us.

I am being made to feel like the unreasonable person here, despite my therapists and my dh and all of my friends saying what happened to me is child abuse.

It’s been such a high price to pay to keep my children safe, and I feel broken by my brother’s relentless efforts to emotionally blackmail me into contact with my father (my abuser) or he will continue to ignore me as he has done for the last few years. My brother has given me an ultimatum- accept my father back into mine and my children’s life or be exiled by the whole family basically. I do not want any contact with father, my brother disregards this.

My mother has enabled all of this, but I see her as a victim of DV although he doesn’t hit her anymore - he is cruel in other ways, she has said she will never leave him. So she has made her choice, and it’s to stay with him.

What would you do?

My mum used to say that too "But your dad loves you all". My situation was nothing like as bad as yours but I recognise so much. I'm another voice saying block your brother, look after yourself & your children. You're doing brilliantly xxxx

I didn’t attend my father’s funeral and I know that I will be the same with my mother. I struggled to buy birthday cards for them when I was younger as I couldn’t bring myself to write niceties. I certainly couldn’t and won’t attend a funeral.

You need to cut them all completely, no calls no emails no co tact to anyone related to them . Once you do that you will realise how toxic all of them were ! You can do this op . You survived hell , don’t let them drag you any more

Keep walking , shut the door behind you and don't look back. Well done OP.

it makes me feel like ‘damaged goods’ somehow. Inferior. Broken. And maybe they will decide to have friends that have families like theirs or something. I am deeply ashamed of the terrible things that have happened to me. It’s linked to thinking if I had been better, quieter, prettier then it would have been different ( I know that’s not true but that’s what is underneath)

He told you numerous times, it sounds like, that he didn't want children.

It wouldn't have mattered what you were like.

(Anyway, most kids are boisterous, energetic, noisy, have hyper periods, "demanding", good at some things & not at others, need a lot of support in different ways at different times, push boundaries etc.
Children test the tolerance, forbearance and patience of even kind parents.

Your "father" had none of those and it seems like he was extremely bitter, resentful, angry etc. (not even touching on his character traits, which possibly include a personality disorder)).

Children also constantly cost money (even if you're not doing pricey, child oriented things) and they change the focus of life; it totally fits with what he said about not wanting children that he sabotaged child oriented events like Christmas and birthdays.

Of course he appears to have oddly missed the fact that him having children or not was entirely within his power.

Or is he entitled to a wife and entitled to sex but not responsible for contraception and then entitled to abuse any kids who inconveniently arrive (kids who didn't ask to be born).

OP, you haven’t lost anything worth keeping.

You’ve only lost people you don’t love or support you.

That’s not a loss - it’s a win.

Change your phone number and email address. Ignore family members who don’t have your back.

Acknowledge the incredible gift of safety and love you have given your children.

Project that love further into the world and it will return to you in time.

Aw, big hugs OP. Don’t doubt yourself - you’re breaking the circle of abuse and it’s never easy, mainly because leaving behind our family is such an alien concept.
Different yet similar problems in my background and I don’t regret going no contact for four years until everyone got the message that I wouldn’t tolerate the issues or pretend to be ‘happy families’.
What I would say is that you are doing what a normal, healthy, strong person would do. You are preventing the toxicity from affecting the next generation - by cutting them out you are being the BEST parent, a GOOD parent.
Not having a good family background always felt like a type of grief to me….everyone wants to have had ideal parents and unconditional love. Unfortunately ours wasn’t like that, so allow yourself to grieve, but do recognise that your brother is also behaving like an abuser, so you need to be free of him. Not everyone has the strength to overcome their childhood - he doesn’t and now he’s bullying you because he wants you to also pretend there was nothing wrong.
Stick to your guns, OP. It isn’t easy but it will be so worth it and you’ll be super proud you refused to accept this as okay.

@Polishedshoesalways It was hard to read your posts because I can relate, my bio father is exactly the same a vindictive, venomous and abusive bastard and also a massive misogynist too he always bullies and abuses women and children an inherent coward through and through. I cut contact with him over 25 years ago best thing I ever did.

You've done the right thing cutting off contact with your father he shouldn't be near your children and neither should your brother he sounds like a carbon copy of your dad and I feel sorry for his wife and children. Don't respond to his emails you can't reason with people like that in their mind they're always right never wrong and their behaviour is always someone else's fault, they lack empathy and take pleasure in abusing people thats why they do it.

I also think that you're cutting your mother way too much slack in all this, yes she herself has been abused for 50 years, been worn down so much she toes the line at all times. She may well acknowledge that it all happened to you but where the fuck was she when this was going on?!?! Your mother did nothing to stop it, never protected you and threw you under a bus by doing nothing to save herself from being abused for intervening! Your mother is living in denial I suspect she was trying to convince herself more than you when she told you your dad loves you, the fact he told you he wished you died when you tried to kill yourself says it all really.

Cut contact with your mother because she will be used as a flying monkey to reel you back in because you still talk to her and she will always do as she's told by your father and brother including pressuring you into contact to save herself the grief. Its all well and good her validating you and what happened but would she ever admit to anyone else?

As for the funeral situation I definitely wouldn't go to any of them especially not your fathers and if you do go you cannot be forced into giving a lovely eulogy for him because NO is a complete sentence what's your brother gonna physically drag you up and move your lips himself?

I also think you should report your brother for harrassment you'd be doing a service to his wife and children.

This

Anyone who says this is enough reason to do exactly that - and that’s without all the other abuse.

But I’d turn it around on him: “I haven’t done anything wrong. Please treat me with kindness and respect, otherwise I won’t be able to respond to you, just as I cannot do so with our father”

And if he still continues to be abusive then block him.

Remember:
F fear
O obligation
G guilt

are manipulation tactics. Manipulation is about power and control. Power and control are at the heart of every abusive relationship.

You might already know of these:

The book Out of the Fog
It’s Not You by Dr Ramani Durvasula (also all of her interviews on YouTube)

@Polishedshoesalways

Your mother and brother and the rest of your family by the sounds of it,

are far too emotionally enmeshed in emotionally swamp quirgmire to be able able to see the wood through the 🌳 trees,

they are seriously damaged fucked up individuals who have an emotionally vested interest in keeping the status quo of weird family dynamics,
cause its their sense of normality,
Your mother has properly got like similar of Stockholm syndrome to her psychological abusive husband,
Your father,
Proberly cause of her dysfunctional messed up childhood dynamics often can be,

I am interested what kind of background does your mother come from?

Your brother is obviously following in your father's footsteps

Cause you are creating waves and exposing just how dysfunctional fucked up your family dynamics really are and they are seeing you as the black sheep of the family
You are the convient family scapegoat for dumping emotionally inflicting uncomfortable unwanted family emotions,
cause they percieve you as a rogue family member who is a lose cannon,
who they just dont get ,
can't understand,
why you are you so different 🤔 not like them..

Its weird isn't it, even though you know the behaviour is wrong, and have evidence- feeling ambivalent about your choices is the most uncomfortable feeling of all.

I have a similar situation, my brother bore the brunt of the abuse, and is now married to someone who has the same emotional management methods. We all know it was wrong, but it is out choice about how we deal with it.

I didn't cut my parents out, I just put the phone down when it kicked off or stopped extra effort to make up their constant changing of barriers. I am very much the pariah, and it hurts. But it was my choice, I knew the past wasn't going to change, and I knew my parents weren't going to change. But I was suicidal, so I had to change.

It's also hard to see them struggle with my new boundaries- heartbreaking even. I love my family and I don't want to hurt them or be the cause of their pain. They set the standard of what the relationships were when I was younger, but I am pushing back which is difficult for people who can't manage their emotions well.

In my experience working on some self-confidence helped me stay the course, and some peace in the turbulance. Active exercises aimed at increasing your trust in yourself- you can find them on the internet. Talking therapy helps but isn't the whole picture.

Block your brother, you really don't need his abuse on top of everything. I am also an 'orphan' with several family I never see. You're the 'black sheep' if you dare to tell the truth and refuse to play the pretending-all-great game. I don't miss them at all, and life is perfectly fine without them.

I’ve been through similar and things tend to go downhill in a viscous cycle which looks like:-

Person repeatedly treats me badly except if I do exactly what they want so I eventually withdraw. They then try to pull me back in various ways that have nothing to do with healthy relating so it doesn’t work. So then I get punished…and on and on. Ultimately they don’t get what they want and the endgame is playing the victim.

That’s similar to where you’re at now. You’ve disturbed the status quo and in doing so have poked the bear. You need to stay out of harms way.

Sending love and hugs you are incredible and your children will thank you that you broke the cycle

I would cut them all out of my life and focus on myself and my family.

Block your brother and tell him to leave you alone. and if he does not then seek legal advice.

It's sad for your mum but she has made her choice, and you have made yours. NEVER again allow your father or brother to blight your lives. It is your choice, make it, stick to it, and enjoy your life.

Been there, done this, got the bumps to prove it

it hurts like fuck at the beginning but it DOES get better, it really does.

eventually you make peace with yourself and with the fact that you don’t (and never will have) a decent, kind family that looks out for you, supports you and lifts you up.

You have the family that destroys you, tears you down and makes you feel shit about yourself

as do I.

life IS soooo much better when you only have decent supportive people in your life.

In the pattern of abuse you describe, I would go to a women's aid charity or solicitor (depending on my financial circumstances) to get support that holds my sibling to account for their harassment towards me.

As much as it’s painful to admit, the chances are you’ll feel a lot freer and lighter if you cut all contact with your family including your mum and start opening up to friends about why that is.

You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of and it isn’t your duty as a victim to keep in contact and go to their funerals. That’s not your job.

if your brother cared about you at all he would respect your decision and understand why. He sounds like an abuser also and toxic. Your priority is yourself and your children, you are incredibly brave for breaking the abusive cycle. Keep working on yourself and healing. Your mother has made her choice to accept and enable this behaviour and that’s her choice keep doing what you’re doing. You can’t change the past but you can make sure history doesn’t repeat itself, well done

On your worry about funerals, I've noticed lots of people don't go to the funerals of siblings, and in non-abusive families, most people don't give speeches at the funerals of their parents - often because they wouldn't be able to get through it without breaking down, so speeches are usually by someone a bit removed from the deceased.

Although in your case, just don't go to your father's, go to your mother's if they send details (maybe your aunt would?), but certainly don't give a speech (I have a lovely mum and I wouldn't do a speech). Your brother can't dictate whether you're allowed at your mother's funeral.

This sounds so difficult for you. Your dad is still being cruel, so it’s not a case of forgiving the appalling abuse you witnessed and suffered as a child, it is as you said about protecting your dc.
I understand walking away from this abuse and despite your parents age now, it seems the right thing for you to do.
It is wrong of your brother to treat you like he is. It must be incredibly hard for him too, given the abuse he suffered/is suffering too from your dad & now, for whatever reason, has decided to look after him in his old age.
It all sounds like a desperately sad situation where there are no winners.

Trust your instincts and stick to your guns. Your responsibility is to your children and they are your future, and so much more important than your past.

I'm so sorry to read your thread. I can't imagine what it must have been like. This man is a broken and unmendable monster who has attempted to destroy at least three people, including your brother. I always wonder what the fathers of men like this were like.

Your mother is his victim and has reacted by dwindling, drinking and denying. You brother is his victim and has reacted by repeating, excusing and attacking.

You, though - as a child you were his victim, but now? You have turned your back on the abuse and named him for what he is and always was. This has taken an incredible strength and courage that your entire family seems to be utterly incapable of.

Are you friendly with his wife? She might welcome an ally. Or perhaps he sought out a woman who would replay his mother’s story, and she is walking her road and repeating the generational trauma that you’ve managed to break.

So you have a difficult choice. I hope you can accept he is at the toxic poisoned centre of a damaged family that is trying to reel you back in.

Then decide it ends here - therapy would help you step away from hopes of inheritance, and fears of being cut off from the poisonous family.

Anything you can do to help your mother, even though she lacked the strength to help her own children, will make you feel better.

And look to the future - your own family are the future after they're gone. You get to decide how that will look. Build your friendships, people who like and respect you.

We’re proud of you and wish you and your own family all the very best.

Typical Mumsnet post presuming all men are abusers and all women victims regardless of the facts.

The OPs brother is as much a victim of poor and abusive parenting as the OP is and was no doubt regularly battered by the bastard in question.