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Original poster

Possible cheating at start of relationship

103 replies

MsRachelHasSavedMySanity · 03/04/2024 10:38

My partner and I have been together for 2 years last month. Our little one was born end of December 23. Yes, it was quick. He has a child from a previous relationship, he turned 2 in February just past. We basically got together when the little one was a couple of months old, DP had been split up from his ex since the beginning of the pregnancy, things hadn't been working for a while

I was using my DPs laptop and his WhatsApp was open. He doesn't use WhatsApp much, he had it open as the last message was from a friend who does use it, he's more of a fb messenger/texter, so there aren't that many messages on it. I noticed old messages between him and his ex, dated a month after him and I got together. They now communicate via text so all recent messages between them are on that.

Anyway, I know I shouldn't have, and i was genuinely just being nosey (yes, i know i should have respected his privacy) but i clicked on the thread. It seems as though there was an overlap between me and ex. Their little one was born in Feb, and until May, almost 3 months later, there were photos of the three of them looking happy, him telling her that he couldn't wait to finish work see her and LO, that the two of them were his "favourite people in the world" etc. So basically we started chatting at the start of March, first date at the end of March, however there was still 'something' between them until May of that year. From the messages, perhaps not fully together, but not as apart as my DP made out. DP had moved in with his brother by this point but was round at their old house they shared together a good few times a week to spend time with the baby, as he told me then.

I don't know what to do with this. We now have our baby who is 4 months old, we have just put an offer in for a house. It's the dishonesty from him, even though it was 2 years ago, at the start of our relationship. There is definitely nothing going on between him and the ex now, they only communicate for the little one. I barely see her, DP collects him from nursery and drops off at nursery in the morning. Is this bad?

OP posts:
Original poster
MsRachelHasSavedMySanity · 03/04/2024 11:03

Anyone?

OP posts:
RandomButtons · 03/04/2024 11:07

Well I’d be nervous to buy a house with him for sure.

What’s your relationship like at the moment?

Original poster
MsRachelHasSavedMySanity · 03/04/2024 11:09

RandomButtons · 03/04/2024 11:07

Well I’d be nervous to buy a house with him for sure.

What’s your relationship like at the moment?

It's going really well, he's really supportive with our little one and he's a great dad to his own dc. There is absolutely nothing in our relationship that gives me any cause for concern.

OP posts:
Original poster
MsRachelHasSavedMySanity · 03/04/2024 11:10

This discovery just makes me feel a little uneasy.

OP posts:
HebburnPokemon · 03/04/2024 11:12

How did you meet? What did he say about the status of his relationship with his ex when you met?

RandomButtons · 03/04/2024 11:13

Ultimately you have 3 options.

  1. talk to him about it. You’ll have to admit you snooped and deal with fallout
  2. suck it up and hope history doesn’t repeat itself (it seems like he’s more invested with you as he’s buying a house)
  3. ditch him because you don’t trust him (which would be a bit extreme if he’s a good man and good father)

You are a bit stuck I agree.

Rainbowshit · 03/04/2024 11:18

Well doesn't he sound like a prince. Alarm bells should have been ringing for you at the point he split up with the mother of his child when the child was only a few months old. And then immediately or concurrently was with you.

ComtesseDeSpair · 03/04/2024 11:18

Bluntly, I think I’d assume that a man who walked out on his pregnant partner, immediately started looking for a replacement woman, and then got her pregnant within months rather than concentrating on building his relationship with his existing young baby, probably isn’t a stellar man in other regards. Yes, I think it’s almost certain that there was an overlap whilst he hedged his bets with both of you to see who things would work out with.

I couldn’t trust him.

SKG231 · 03/04/2024 11:20

If you bury your head and ignore this it will just eat away at you and rear its head in other situations or cause major resentment.

you need to calmly let him know that you’ve seen the messages and ask him how you think you can move forward being able to trust him.

This woman is the mother of his child, she is going to be in his life forever and they will have to be in contact. You need to know you have nothing to worry about and he needs to re earn your trust.

eatsleepfarmrepeat · 03/04/2024 11:23

He’s a lying and deceitful person at the very best, isn’t he?

Zanatdy · 03/04/2024 11:25

I’d he speaking to him about it before committing to buying a house

FairyMaclary · 03/04/2024 11:30

What is your current housing and financial position op?

If you own a property alone/have secure council/housing association tenancy then I wouldn’t give that up.

What about your work situation?

Original poster
MsRachelHasSavedMySanity · 03/04/2024 11:31

HebburnPokemon · 03/04/2024 11:12

How did you meet? What did he say about the status of his relationship with his ex when you met?

We met at the gym. He said they had been on and off, arguing for a long time and that they were definitely over however still in touch for the babys sake.

OP posts:
RandomButtons · 03/04/2024 11:35

FairyMaclary · 03/04/2024 11:30

What is your current housing and financial position op?

If you own a property alone/have secure council/housing association tenancy then I wouldn’t give that up.

What about your work situation?

Excellent question

FrancisSeaton · 03/04/2024 11:36

He sounds like an immature fuckboy to be honest. How old are you all? Why do people start bringing children into these five minute relationships ffs

Original poster
MsRachelHasSavedMySanity · 03/04/2024 11:37

FairyMaclary · 03/04/2024 11:30

What is your current housing and financial position op?

If you own a property alone/have secure council/housing association tenancy then I wouldn’t give that up.

What about your work situation?

I've sold my house and we are staying at his until we buy together. Financially, I'm fine, I have a well paying job and am on matty leave

OP posts:
Original poster
MsRachelHasSavedMySanity · 03/04/2024 11:39

FrancisSeaton · 03/04/2024 11:36

He sounds like an immature fuckboy to be honest. How old are you all? Why do people start bringing children into these five minute relationships ffs

He's 40 I'm 41. We'd only been togetherba year but the biological clock was ticking I guess.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 03/04/2024 11:42

Why have you asked us rather than him? That's an indicator that there is poor communication in the relationship, so you might have a different problem than you think. Or actually in this case, an additional, ongoing problem.

What would happen if you said to him what you've said to us? What stopped you, and brought you here instead?

Mrsttcno1 · 03/04/2024 11:43

Watchkeys · 03/04/2024 11:42

Why have you asked us rather than him? That's an indicator that there is poor communication in the relationship, so you might have a different problem than you think. Or actually in this case, an additional, ongoing problem.

What would happen if you said to him what you've said to us? What stopped you, and brought you here instead?

Totally agree with this.

You need to speak to him about it, if I was you that’s what I would do.

RandomButtons · 03/04/2024 11:45

MsRachelHasSavedMySanity · 03/04/2024 11:37

I've sold my house and we are staying at his until we buy together. Financially, I'm fine, I have a well paying job and am on matty leave

Show quote history

Financially you are not fine if you put. A big deposit into buying a house together and he doesn’t.

Is he matching your deposit? Is he working/decent career?

Flatleak · 03/04/2024 11:53

Are you the person who posted a week ago with the same situation but where the ex had contacted you to say there was overlap?

FairyMaclary · 03/04/2024 11:54

‘Favourite people in the whole world’ isn’t something you say to an ex. At best it’s giving an ex false hope and worst it’s keeping them dangling.

The problem with speaking to him is that he’s a liar… He has lied from the moment they met. He never chose to come clean either despite them having a baby and looking at buying together. Why is he going to be honest now if he thinks his relationship is on the line? Surely there is a good chance he would lie to protect himself? Op can’t prove it either way.

Very tricky situation op.

But I would not be buying with him. Buy a house in your name so if the shit hits the fan you and your baby are okay. You are lucky - you have a good job and are able to buy a place - don’t make life harder for yourself.

Finding those messages was lucky. You may not think it today but now you can plan and look after you and your baby.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 03/04/2024 11:56

Too much overlap for me. Do not buy a house with him.

Original poster
MsRachelHasSavedMySanity · 03/04/2024 11:58

Flatleak · 03/04/2024 11:53

Are you the person who posted a week ago with the same situation but where the ex had contacted you to say there was overlap?

No, I've not posted on MN before.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 03/04/2024 11:59

Surely there is a good chance he would lie to protect himself? Op can’t prove it either way

Who are you telling, @FairyMaclary? Or are you answering on behalf of op?