Possible cheating at start of relationship

[MsRachelHasSavedMySanity]

My partner and I have been together for 2 years last month. Our little one was born end of December 23. Yes, it was quick. He has a child from a previous relationship, he turned 2 in February just past. We basically got together when the little one was a couple of months old, DP had been split up from his ex since the beginning of the pregnancy, things hadn't been working for a while

I was using my DPs laptop and his WhatsApp was open. He doesn't use WhatsApp much, he had it open as the last message was from a friend who does use it, he's more of a fb messenger/texter, so there aren't that many messages on it. I noticed old messages between him and his ex, dated a month after him and I got together. They now communicate via text so all recent messages between them are on that.

Anyway, I know I shouldn't have, and i was genuinely just being nosey (yes, i know i should have respected his privacy) but i clicked on the thread. It seems as though there was an overlap between me and ex. Their little one was born in Feb, and until May, almost 3 months later, there were photos of the three of them looking happy, him telling her that he couldn't wait to finish work see her and LO, that the two of them were his "favourite people in the world" etc. So basically we started chatting at the start of March, first date at the end of March, however there was still 'something' between them until May of that year. From the messages, perhaps not fully together, but not as apart as my DP made out. DP had moved in with his brother by this point but was round at their old house they shared together a good few times a week to spend time with the baby, as he told me then.

I don't know what to do with this. We now have our baby who is 4 months old, we have just put an offer in for a house. It's the dishonesty from him, even though it was 2 years ago, at the start of our relationship. There is definitely nothing going on between him and the ex now, they only communicate for the little one. I barely see her, DP collects him from nursery and drops off at nursery in the morning. Is this bad?

I don't know if anyone's asked, but have you posted this before?
jeez, read the thread before asking the same relentkess question!
Erm sounds a bit crap op, good luck

Two months overlap (of some sort), two years ago... I could live with that.

Real life can get messy and relationships are not always as straightforward as Mumsnetters would like them.

He had just had the baby with his ex and I imagine was pretty torn and confused. How long were they together before the pregnancy?
It sounds like less than two years and with no plans to buy a house together...? Things he's doing with you.

If there is anything else at all, that does not feel right, than that's a different story.

If there is anything else at all, that does not feel right, than that's a different story

But if this doesn't feel right, OP should... just dismiss it..?

@Watchkeys I'm not telling OP what she should do.
I did tell her how I see it and what I would do. Hth.

@H34th

Yeah, well, that wasn't clear.

Hth.

@MsRachelHasSavedMySanity

If something doesn't feel right, you don't need to wait for something else to not feel right, even if other people would.

@Watchkeys I disagree.
Also, my post wasn't intended for you to begin with.

Agree. OP, your judgment is way off. A man with a newborn? That's a swerve

If there is anything else at all, that does not feel right, than that's a different story

Well OP felt compelled to check his messages for a start.

I think the biological clock comment is revealing. Who in their right mind, especially in their late 30's gets involved with the dad of a newborn? OP took the fertiliser and hoped for the best.

Yep. I didn't tag you either in my comment on your post. It wasn't for you. It was to point out to OP that, like anybody else, if she's bothered by something in her relationship, she doesn't need to wait until something else bothers her, and that 'what you would do' is not relevant, unless you are advising her to do it.

Feel free to keep stating your case: it's a forum. We are allowed to disagree with and comment on other people's comments. My posts are for OP's benefit.

Sorry for the derail, OP. I hope you won't feel the need to 'do what someone else would do', and will deal with this according to your own current feelings of discomfort, rather than waiting to see if you are made uncomfortable again in the future.

I honestly think you’ve been a bit naive to start dating someone with a newborn. It highly likely/obvious they’re cheating or at least still entangled.
either way it’s a very messy situation to get involved with for a new relationship.

not much to be done either way, you’re not going to leave really, with a new house and newborn.
just file it under things to know and watch him.

if you can stall on the house I would.

I think I'd be inclined to forgive it, you were in the start of your relationship, he obviously didn't want to be with her otherwise they'd have made a go of it properly throughout her pregnancy.
I think perhaps once she had the baby and he loved the baby ect, his feelings got muddled and soon realised again his feelings were just for the baby's sake.

How far into a relationship would you accept lying about being unfaithful, then, @Copperoliverbear ? Clearly 3 months is ok, in your eyes. What about 6? A year?

Honestly, I seem to be going against the grain here, but I would be tempted to leave it be.

You yourself will know the baby bubble, the feeling of admiration and overwhelming appreciation for this tiny little human you’ve both created. He was probably there building a relationship with DC1. His ex had just birthed his first child, I assume with his support. They were both grown up enough to realise it wasn’t working and split before baby arrived.

I say this of course, but it does really depend on what the messages said. To me, the messages don’t seem to imply he wants to just see her. It was VERY early stages of your relationship. Did he lie about his whereabouts when any of the pictures were taken? These would all be factors I would look at when deciding how to deal with this.

For context, I went snooping once on OH’s laptop/phone (can’t recall now as it was so long ago) after a message came through from a girl I used to work with that I didn’t really like. Turns out she was an ex and he was still messaging her when we first got together. It annoyed me at the time because I was convinced they’d been sent when he had told me he had no phone available (cut off), but the messages were fb messages. However, at that point we’d been together for 6 years and the messages were from about 6 weeks in and could have been interpreted a couple of ways. Also, we definitely hadn’t had a conversation about making anything official at that point and were very much just going on dates.

He sounds a bit shady but if you trust him now and there's no alarm bells then I'd ignore a bit of overlap and stop snooping on him

So basically you got into a relationship with him based on a lie.

Yeah, not something I could simply brush under the carpet.

I think you need to ask yourself, would you have continued the relationship with him and got pregnant if you'd known he was still pursuing/in a relationship with his 'ex'?

I am going to guess the answer would be a big fat no. So he took away your choice. I would find that unforgivable.

He was cheating on you both. In that situation I would feel like his consolation prize because the he was obviously still trying to be with her. But had you on standby just in case that didn't work out. You were his backup OP.

You now know he is capable of lying to your face and cheating.

I'd put the brakes on the house.

I'd also tell him you know to be honest and see his reaction. if its one of utter shame and he tells you everything there may be a gimmer of hope, but anything short of that he'd be out the door.

Would you really break up if you had just had a baby with him and were in the middle of purchasing a house together? I've actually not spoken to him about it yet, he was working all day and I had to attend to a family situation last night, so haven't had a chance to broach it.

Yes I would.
Perhaps i've just reached an age where I wouldn't put up with this sort of shit any longer. I've wasted far too many years, forgiving the little 'lies' or the things they explain their way out of. Or like you, in a situation with a baby and thinking, but maybe its ok and well theres the baby now......
Every situation is different and perhaps he has a real good explanation for cheating on you both. If such a thing exists.
But yes, I would leave. Unless he was absolutely beside himself with remorse. I couldn't trust him not to lie again, so what would be the point.
Its the taking away your choice part that is the thing. The sort of man who does that, isn't going to change overnight. What else is he selfish about?
Yes, you've just had a baby. Would you have still been with him to have said baby if you knew he was cheating on you?

No, I wouldn't have been with him if I knew he was cheating.

Honestly, I would never have dated a man who thinks it’s ok to leave his partner with a tiny baby. Even if their relationship was on the rocks, he should’ve stayed to help with the baby while it’s so small. And then to quickly get into another relationship straight after! Major red flags.

who have found out that their partners have cheated on them in similar circumstances.

But if he was in a relationship with his “ex”, it is her he was cheating on with you inadvertently making you the OW. I’d not be happy with that in the slightest, besides which leaving a relationship while she’s pregnant/just had a baby and immediately pursuing another relationship is a dick move no matter how great you think he might be. Bringing another child into that mess equally not great.

I’d not be tying myself to him by buying a house, you just don’t know when he’ll meet someone else where the grass looks greener.

He had just had the baby with his ex and I imagine was pretty torn and confused. How long were they together before the pregnancy?
It sounds like less than two years and with no plans to buy a house together...? Things he's doing with you.

If you’re torn and confused you don’t start a new relationship, you work things out in your existing relationship and then move on.

And other than buying a house it’s exactly the same pattern - new baby after a 1 year relationship except he was also pursuing things with his ex for part of that time.

This, read this OP. Even if there's a slight overlap of 2 months, I'd be concerned (even though things hadn't been working out with them) that he jumps straight into a relationship with you (frying pan into the fire) and doesn't seem to think about the repercussions on his ex-SO and his baby. And then, not long after that, he decides to have a baby with you, in a short time too.

If it were me, I'd always be looking over my shoulder and especially now, that your LO is 4 months old. Suppose your SO thinks things aren't working out at the baby stage, is he then going to leave you like he did his ex-SO?

As I said with my ex-best friend, I can't quite recall when her SO met his other baby mother, it was either before or after or at the same time as he was seeing my ex-best friend. My friend did say at the time, though she liked him, she was 35 and even though she'd been married before, she didn't think for some reason she could get pregnant, they weren't trying but weren't using contraception. His baby mother was younger than she was. When she told me about her baby she was distant and when she had the baby she was distant (we saw each other a couple of times) and she only told me about the other baby once her LO was about a year old or just under and she and her SO had separated. I think she was too embarrassed to tell me (and other friends) what he'd been up to but that she'd stayed with him. But her family are all of the 'give him another chance, men are like that' type of thing, strong family ethic whereas he'd be straight out if it was me.

Having worked for a divorce/family lawyer, unless you're quick and get married now, even though he'll be putting more than you into your house purchase than you are, don't expect him to be reasonable and fair when it comes to splitting property proceeds, I've seen it enough times where men and women aren't at all fair there.

And also having re-read your first post again, I would be worried that he seems to be saying and acting one way to you and to his ex-SO with the baby, when you started dating, even though it was new, his focus should've been all on you. I'd be concerned at how he can switch what he says and does to her and to you in that period. I would also, well I wouldn't snoop but if you did see his FB messenger/texts I wonder what those would say too, not only maybe to her but also to his friends/family about her and his first baby.

It isn't about breaking up because you have caught him lying/cheating, especially when you have a child together.

It is about not sticking your head in the sand and hoping for the best. It is about approaching it head on, however painful it will be, assessing if he is the person you thought he was, both by his actions back then and his reaction to being confronted with it now, if you believe his story now, if you still like/respect/trust that person and what that means to your relationship going forward.

You might decide to postpone the house purchase until you can work through it and trust can be rebuilt - that might be better than going ahead, as if it doesn't get resolved it will cost you much more down the line. You might decide to go ahead but pay more attention to your financial security. How you react now also sends a signal to him about what you will or will not tolerate in your relationship.

This is one of these times that either make your stronger or will tear you apart. Take time to work through it, to explore your feelings around it and he needs to give you that time. Whatever you do, set your bar high and keep it there.

Good luck.

If you buy with him and then split up you may get all your equity back (and more) but if house prices have risen and you are a few years older you may not be able to borrow enough to put you back in the position you are currently in. So you will possibly be priced out of the market. That is a risk everyone takes when you sell your own place and buy together.

You know he is a liar. Does he pay full maintenance to his ex without quibble and voluntarily check and raise it without being asked each payrise/bonus?

That is something to consider.

He does pay maintenance to her without being asked, its paid automatically on the same date each month. He doesn't really get raises or bonuses so there hasn't been an increase.