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Original poster

Possible cheating at start of relationship

103 replies

MsRachelHasSavedMySanity · 03/04/2024 10:38

My partner and I have been together for 2 years last month. Our little one was born end of December 23. Yes, it was quick. He has a child from a previous relationship, he turned 2 in February just past. We basically got together when the little one was a couple of months old, DP had been split up from his ex since the beginning of the pregnancy, things hadn't been working for a while

I was using my DPs laptop and his WhatsApp was open. He doesn't use WhatsApp much, he had it open as the last message was from a friend who does use it, he's more of a fb messenger/texter, so there aren't that many messages on it. I noticed old messages between him and his ex, dated a month after him and I got together. They now communicate via text so all recent messages between them are on that.

Anyway, I know I shouldn't have, and i was genuinely just being nosey (yes, i know i should have respected his privacy) but i clicked on the thread. It seems as though there was an overlap between me and ex. Their little one was born in Feb, and until May, almost 3 months later, there were photos of the three of them looking happy, him telling her that he couldn't wait to finish work see her and LO, that the two of them were his "favourite people in the world" etc. So basically we started chatting at the start of March, first date at the end of March, however there was still 'something' between them until May of that year. From the messages, perhaps not fully together, but not as apart as my DP made out. DP had moved in with his brother by this point but was round at their old house they shared together a good few times a week to spend time with the baby, as he told me then.

I don't know what to do with this. We now have our baby who is 4 months old, we have just put an offer in for a house. It's the dishonesty from him, even though it was 2 years ago, at the start of our relationship. There is definitely nothing going on between him and the ex now, they only communicate for the little one. I barely see her, DP collects him from nursery and drops off at nursery in the morning. Is this bad?

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 03/04/2024 14:16

So if you didn't post last week then you are yet another woman keen to get involved with a man with a newborn and all the ensuing baggage.

Why do people do it to themselves?

His baby was one month old going by your time line (his first baby turned 2 in Feb and you have been together 2 years in March?). I just don't get what attracts people to such feckless men.

He may not have been with the mum according to him [and now it looks like he actually was with her!!!] but why was he out pursuing another relationship when he should have been supporting his ex and bonding with his new baby? And why would you @MsRachelHasSavedMySanity want to even go there?

Some bloke chats me up at the gym and tells me he has a one month old baby and I'd be out of there.

PurpleFlower1983 · 03/04/2024 14:16

This is almost identical to another thread on here that’s now been deleted.

It depends if you can get through the fact that your relationship started on a lie.

Rainbowshit · 03/04/2024 14:19

Because this new information has taken me aback. Before this, there was nothing of concern.

Apart from the humongous red flag of his relationship with the mother of his child ending when she was pregnant? 🤔

Your judgement is really off. You'd be a fool to buy a house with this man.

bloom19 · 03/04/2024 14:22

This same situation including ages, was recently posted, if not OP, then very weird coincidence...

Begaydocrime94 · 03/04/2024 14:23

ComtesseDeSpair · 03/04/2024 11:18

Bluntly, I think I’d assume that a man who walked out on his pregnant partner, immediately started looking for a replacement woman, and then got her pregnant within months rather than concentrating on building his relationship with his existing young baby, probably isn’t a stellar man in other regards. Yes, I think it’s almost certain that there was an overlap whilst he hedged his bets with both of you to see who things would work out with.

I couldn’t trust him.

The entirety of this! I don't wish to judge, because none of us know the full circumstances, but why were you dating a man that had walked out on his 2 month old child? Why did you think it was fair on the first little one to bring another child into the mix? You've barely spoken to his ex, how do you think she's feeling seeing her ex walk out on her to create a shiny new family?
I'm actually angry when I think about men's incessant need to latch from one family unit to another, leaving destruction in the wake. Bad situation

He could easily do the same to you and create a new family...

ProncessDiana · 03/04/2024 14:27

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

Concannon88 · 03/04/2024 14:41

@MsRachelHasSavedMySanity Eugh hes actually gross. This is unacceptable, do you really want to condone this behaviour?

TabbyBeast · 03/04/2024 14:58

bloom19 · 03/04/2024 14:22

This same situation including ages, was recently posted, if not OP, then very weird coincidence...

"both" ops on matty leave too...

Original poster
MsRachelHasSavedMySanity · 03/04/2024 15:19

TabbyBeast · 03/04/2024 14:58

"both" ops on matty leave too...

Show quote history

I'm not really sure how else to answer the "did you post this already" questions in a way that I've not already. No, I haven't posted about this before. It's not inconceivable surely that there are two people, amongst the thousands and thousands of women worldwide who use this site, who have found out that their partners have cheated on them in similar circumstances.

If you want to link the other thread then I'll happily have a read and take some of the advice on board!

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 03/04/2024 15:31

MsRachelHasSavedMySanity · 03/04/2024 12:18

I know I'll need to ask him about this but I may not even get the truth....

So you don't trust him. And so, the relationship is over.

Lavenderandbrown · 03/04/2024 15:33

Of course there was overlap. Of course he was stringing her along while getting the feel of your relationship potential. You did this to yourself OP. YOU started dating and then had a DC with a man who had a newborn with someone else. And of course neither of you were/are married to him. If you wanted a baby and felt time was running short at 40 well now you have your wonderful DC. So don’t buy a house, don’t admit to reading the messages and continue forth knowing in your mind and heart he probably wasn’t as “single” as he led you to believe. Of course he was bullshitting you…they were together enough to make a baby. Stay put. See where this relationship goes. Be financially and fiscally smart for your DC. You can buy a home in a few years from now. And of course other posts sound eerily similar…this is MN. Learn his character and commitment before progressing into home ownership. And OP please do not have another DC even tho you may want to until you are more secure in this relationship. I’m hoping for you she was simply not the one for him but you are and I truly wish the best for BOTH of his DC

Original poster
MsRachelHasSavedMySanity · 03/04/2024 15:42

Watchkeys · 03/04/2024 15:31

So you don't trust him. And so, the relationship is over.

Show quote history

I did trust him up until now. However it seems that he's been economical with the truth re his ex so I don't know if I'm being naive in trusting him to be honest about it all.

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 03/04/2024 15:50

You need to be clear with him about what you read and ask him directly why he lied to you about being separated. If he’s honest with you - which, let’s face it, is ultimately something along the lines of still having feelings for her at the time, trying to try again, not being sure if things would work out with either of you so keeping his options open - then you at least have something to work with to focus on moving forwards. If he fudges you some crap about not really meaning what he told her or only pretending to be nice to her for the baby etc etc then you’ll know he’s just a shady lying creep and not worth wasting any more time on.

SweetFemaleAttitude · 03/04/2024 19:27

Before this, there was nothing of concern

So having a baby to another woman, splitting up and having a baby with you before the ink on the 1st babies birth certificate was dry, gave you absolutely no cause for concern?

I think you were so blinded by your biological clock, that this is something you hopefully would not have done if age was on your side.

Extremely poor judgement.

It's too late now both babies are here, but this relationship does not have a strong foundation. Just prepare for the worst case scenario and don't buy a house with this feckless liar.

bottomsup12 · 03/04/2024 19:35

Don't trust him or buy a house with him

Alwaystired23 · 03/04/2024 19:51

Didn't you post about this the other day, but said he ex had got in touch with you? If not, the stories are extremely similar.

MadeForThis · 03/04/2024 20:01

He's lying to you. He lied to her.
Can you see how this is going to end?

Original poster
MsRachelHasSavedMySanity · 03/04/2024 20:40

Alwaystired23 · 03/04/2024 19:51

Didn't you post about this the other day, but said he ex had got in touch with you? If not, the stories are extremely similar.

No.....

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 03/04/2024 20:55

I did trust him up until now. However it seems that he's been economical with the truth re his ex so I don't know if I'm being naive in trusting him to be honest about it all

Yes. So you trusted him, until you found out that he hasn't told the truth. And now, you doubt him. You don't trust him. Rightly so; he has lied to you. You are not naive if you believe what somebody tells you. You will be naive if you believe what a proven liar tells you.

NoTouch · 03/04/2024 21:22

Sounds like, unknown to you, he made you into the OW who split up a couple with a new baby that (at least his ex thought) were trying to give it a go. That alone would make me nauseous.

Time for some big conversations, perhaps one with his ex first to see if their stories are aligned. Observe his reactions as they will tell you as much as his words, tell him he has one chance only of full disclosure. You need to get to the whole truth of what happened around that time or it will gnaw away at you forever. Only once you know the truth can you decide if you can forgive and move on. Whatever you decide I would make sure his ex knows you were unaware and you are not happy with his behaviour at that time, and if you do decide to give it a go make sure you are always financially protected.

good luck

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 03/04/2024 21:53

I know someone (an ex best friend) who when she was pregnant, her SO had got another woman pregnant at the same time, either a few months before or after her. Her SO then left that woman to be with my then best friend, and I think in her mind (or how she said it to me) she was pleased because she'd won in keeping him. I personally wouldn't have been pleased with getting him as a prize this way but whatever.

Then fast forward to when their baby is a year to 18 months old and he starts getting violent and controlling so she tells him to leave but he only pays her £50 a month maintenance and sees her DD regularly. When her DD is almost 3 they get back together, seemingly for good. During this time she tells me he's xenophobic, racist and a bigot. Their DD is now 13 years old and they're still together and seem happy - I don't speak to her now. Some women will fall for all sorts of things though just to keep their man.

Chatonette · 03/04/2024 22:11

If I were in this situation, I would pump the brakes on the house purchase.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 03/04/2024 22:20

I'd be asking outright with the WhatsApp conversation in front of you so he can't talk his way out of anything and see where you go.

If it's nothing but turning it on you for reading then run for the hills, if he's a bit more willing to converse about it all, give him a chance to have his say.

PrimalOwl10 · 03/04/2024 22:29

This is so messed up.

HungryandIknowit · 03/04/2024 22:34

I'm quite surprised he had time to go to the gym when in a relationship with a newborn. He's not sounding brilliant. I am realistic that it's fairly common to have some overlap at the start of a relationship, but not where there is a long term partner and newborn baby involved. I think that's pretty shitty tbh.