Step-child still has dummy age 4.5?

[AmeliaS1980]

AIBU to have an opinion on my step-child still being allowed a dummy at 4.5 years old? (It's killing me).

My partner (child's dad) is happy to be led by his ex (child's mum) on this. She is showing no inclination to wean the child off the dummy yet.

The child is happy, confident, well-adjusted, articulate, very clever, no speech impairments or developmental issues - in fact they are often mistaken for being older. So on that front there's an argument to say "what's the problem with the dummy then?"

But for me to see this child who is so capable of letting go of this attachment (which I'd say is completely unnecessary) being allowed to cling on to it for no apparent reason is bothering me a lot!!

I'm maybe overthinking this but it feels as though the child's mother has an emotional need to keep them babied for as long as possible. There are other older step children (her kids) that she struggles to see growing up (they are secondary school age).

I have mentioned lightly to my partner that the child is far to old to have a dummy and doesn't need it, and encouraged him to bring this up with the child's mother, but he doesn't feel the need to and continues to wait until the child's mother instigates getting rid of it. The child starts school in September.

AIBU to expect the child's parents to be doing something about this?

You said all children will get teeth and speech problems. Im pointing out that it's not true for all children.finger suckers suffer more teeth problems than dummies.

Now I do think that's a bit extreme! OK so he doesn't feel compelled to act on the dummy situation - as many people have pointed out it's probably more a 'me issue' than anything else. My partner doesn't feel the need to instigate stopping the dummy, and that's up to him.
If he was such a 'wet lettuce' surely he'd limp over and allow me to implement whatever I saw fit in our home? But, he would not tolerate me taking over the situation, and I wouldn't want him to.

The NHS advice is, as usual, aimed at lowest common denominator. A child who has a dummy for an hour a night while they fall asleep then it falls out, will be perfectly fine, but because some parents will shove a dummy in all day every day and that will harm teeth and speech, the advice has to be to ditch them at 12 months. Like alcohol in pregnancy. There’s no evidence that a small amount is harmful, but because some women would overdo it the official advice has to be none.

YANBU to think that 4 is too old for a dummy, ideally it is. But YABU to be so dramatic about it- “it’s killing me”. I couldn’t get that worked up about it, especially as the child only has it at night.

One of mine had a dummy (at nighttime only) until they were 7. Not what I had planned but SN made them very resistant to any change of routine and dummy was very much part of routine and also comfort. While this child doesn’t have SN from what you’ve said, a comforter is a hard habit to break for any child and the dummy is probably just that.

Snobbery

@bubblesforbreakfast just out of interest what sort of problems does it cause? How does it affect speech? I’d genuinely like to learn.

@bubblesforbreakfast and are finger suckers more of a problem in terms of speech? Mine never had a dummy (she didn’t want it) but she has sucked 2 fingers. She does it a lot less now and not really during the day, certainly not when she’s speaking or active, mainly when she’s resting/ tired. she’s 3.5 yes but still has dents in her fingers. Her speech is ok, I think, but not great and I think she mumbles.

There is lots of health advice parents choose to ignore. The WHO recommends breastfeeding until 2 but I don’t know many parents who did. The NHS recommends no dummies past 12 months but I know lots of parents who gave dummies well beyond this age.

Parenting is a minefield of different views. Other parents will always have strong views whether it’s about dummies or formula vs breast feeding or screen time or sleep training or co-sleeping or time outs or potty training or weaning or social media or schools or vaccines or countless other things. Everybody will always think their way is best and that very parent will always be happy to spout the research or guidance that suggests their way is best or use it to shame another parent whilst also ignoring any advice or research which doesn’t align with their view. I’m sure at least some of the parents spouting the NHS advice about giving up dummies by 12mo didn’t follow the NHS advice to exclusively breastfeed for 6 months or the WHO advice to breastfeed until 2 but are still happy to try and shame other parents and make out they don’t care about their children’s development because there are different nhs guidlines which they didn’t follow to the letter.

Hmm, I think either your partner is actually happy for his daughter to use the dummy, but is preferring to hide behind his ex than explain his reasons to you, or he doesn't want her to have the dummy, but isn't willing to do the tough parenting, by following through on something he thinks is harmful, but might make him unpopular in the short term. I wouldn't find either of these very attractive..

Personally I think it's the physical act of shoving something in the child's mouth to 'keep them quiet'. Like they need to be turned off?

Bu then overly noisy kids irritate me, so...?!? 😅

Surely by your logic that would mean you should hate seeing them in babies who don’t have the skill to remove them yet but shouldn’t care at all about seeing them with a 4 year old who can obviously remove it themselves if they want to talk? It also doesn’t make sense not to like a child having it overnight to sleep because a child would naturally be quiet at that time anyway so it’s obviously not being used in that way?

Leave it until they start school. Peer pressure will do the job for you and no family rows required.

Well I never shoved it in my child's mouth, he took it because he wanted the comfort. Also a dummy never kept him quiet, again it was for comfort. As for your opinion about noisy kids irritate you perhaps your just not step mum material

If it was up to me, I'd absolutely take your advice. However I know for a fact the child's mother would never allow it and definitely wouldn't pay for it.

Their middle child is 100% on the spectrum (can't stand loud noises and has to leave the school building before each bell goes off, struggles to play with other children, sticks to same foods and lots of other undiagnosed behaviours etc) but the mother won't acknowledge the child has additional needs and requires support. The school (the child is 12) has been fantastic and accommodates many of their needs despite not having any official diagnosis.

So, I appreciate your concern for speech development but I cannot see the child's parents being proactive at all.

That's purely anecdotal and not the norm. No matter how many people comment that it didn't affect their kids, they aren't dentists or speech therapists. My sil is a speech therapist and can always tell the children who have had dummies for an extended period.

My partner's kids are not particularly noisy - it's my own teen daughters that are the bloody noisy ones!! 😂Maybe I should try shoving a dummy in them??!

We don't have 'family rows' anyway. I'm simply curious about whether I should have an opinion on this and it's been interesting to figure out why the dummy annoys me!!

I'm going to allow the child's parents to decide - as I always do as it's not my place to enforce anything in this instance!

Like I said my son had a dummy for comfort, not to keep him quiet.

Couldn't agree more. Well said.

I wouldn't like it either. And I'm not anti dummy, my youngest DS loved them. (They had to go at about three as I was worried about the speech / mouth development having seen what protracted use did to my friend's youngest)

But not your child so you've done all you can by by expressing your concerns to your DP.

I think all you actually can do is try and actively accept the parenting decisions & have compassion towards what is still a very young child. Think about all the positive things about her & remind yourself that she appears older than she actually is which may be a source of unconscious bias in itself. If you find yourself itching to pull the plug out and shove it in the bin - remove yourself or busy yourself with something else! What else can you do?

If it was up to me, I'd absolutely take your advice. However I know for a fact the child's mother would never allow it and definitely wouldn't pay for it.

Obviously it would be better if they agreed to see a speech therapist, but is your partner unable to bring her to one in his contact time if he sees fit? Or is all the proactive parenting down to the mother (who, by your telling is both useless and aggressive) while your partner wrings his hands ineffectually?

It's very tricky. Their dynamic of her as the loud bossy one and him as the compliant back-up was there for nearly 20 years before they split. She kicks off if he attempts to take the lead on any parenting and I've seen him try many many times. She is very difficult to deal with, and lives literally around the corner so is very much in the picture pretty much constantly.

Because there are no obvious signs of impaired speech development, there's no way he would go behind her back to investigate if the dummy is causing any issue. He doesn't believe it's an issue anyway! It's only me who it seems to bother and I'm just going to have to keep quiet and let them parent the child their way...

so he is too weak to advocate for what he thinks is best for his children?

No idea how you can respect that.

I'm going to allow the child's parents to decide how gracious of you to grant permission.

Also, while a child might not remember their parents as a couple, they will still be living with the legacy and difficulties of that split, 2 houses, only 1 parent at a time who may not even communicate with each other.

It’s usually hard for them.

This. Mine had a dummy at night until almost 5. Dentist tells me it has not affected his teeth - and actually that his older brother’s thumb sucking has been a bigger problem as it went on for much longer.

I didn't say he's too weak to advocate for what he thinks is best, I said that dealing with his ex is like coming up against a brick wall. Plus, he doesn't think having the dummy is an issue - it's me with the opinion!.

Love how people skew the issue at hand!!