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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Step-child still has dummy age 4.5?

131 replies

AmeliaS1980 · 03/04/2024 09:02

AIBU to have an opinion on my step-child still being allowed a dummy at 4.5 years old? (It's killing me).

My partner (child's dad) is happy to be led by his ex (child's mum) on this. She is showing no inclination to wean the child off the dummy yet.

The child is happy, confident, well-adjusted, articulate, very clever, no speech impairments or developmental issues - in fact they are often mistaken for being older. So on that front there's an argument to say "what's the problem with the dummy then?"

But for me to see this child who is so capable of letting go of this attachment (which I'd say is completely unnecessary) being allowed to cling on to it for no apparent reason is bothering me a lot!!

I'm maybe overthinking this but it feels as though the child's mother has an emotional need to keep them babied for as long as possible. There are other older step children (her kids) that she struggles to see growing up (they are secondary school age).

I have mentioned lightly to my partner that the child is far to old to have a dummy and doesn't need it, and encouraged him to bring this up with the child's mother, but he doesn't feel the need to and continues to wait until the child's mother instigates getting rid of it. The child starts school in September.

AIBU to expect the child's parents to be doing something about this?

OP posts:
Westfacing · 03/04/2024 10:16

In the overall scheme of things it doesn't seem such a big deal considering the dummy is only in use at your house overnight so you don't actually see it that much - it would be 'killing me' more to have three DSC staying half the week!

The child is very young to have divorced parents and the father now living in a different family - maybe there's an underlying need for the comfort of the dummy.

EIIaM · 03/04/2024 10:16

I think you need to leave then to it, although your DH sounds like he could do with growing a pair.

But yeah 4.5 with a dummy is ridiculous.

Maxus · 03/04/2024 10:16

How would it be harder to get rid off? My child gave it up himself at 5, other kids I know stopped soon after. Kids do know when they are ready to stop, you don't see teenagers going round sucking dummies.

Original poster
AmeliaS1980 · 03/04/2024 10:18

WavesAndWildflowers · 03/04/2024 10:09

I think you need to step back and leave it to the parents.

Your partner sounds like a wet lettuce and a bit shit though. I couldn’t be arsed being in a relationship with someone like that, especially about parenting his children.

He's actually wonderful and I wouldn't be without him. Yes, he was conditioned for years to keep quiet and let the child's mother be the boss, but my relationship with him is very different. He might've been a bit of a 'wet lettuce' in his previous life, but I can confirm him and I have a very equal and respectful relationship where we both have opinions and make decisions.

OP posts:
sunnyatlast · 03/04/2024 10:20

I don't think this is any of your business, step back and keep your nose out.
One day you might have your own child and then it will be your turn to be a parent but until then keep your opinions to yourself and let the parents parent.

2mummies1baby · 03/04/2024 10:20

You acknowledge the dummy is not causing any problems. The poor kid isn't even school age and she's already had her parents split up, her dad start a relationship with someone else and she is now living between two homes, with only one of her parents with her at a time. The dummy provides her with comfort and consistency between her two homes.

WavesAndWildflowers · 03/04/2024 10:22

AmeliaS1980 · 03/04/2024 10:18

He's actually wonderful and I wouldn't be without him. Yes, he was conditioned for years to keep quiet and let the child's mother be the boss, but my relationship with him is very different. He might've been a bit of a 'wet lettuce' in his previous life, but I can confirm him and I have a very equal and respectful relationship where we both have opinions and make decisions.

Show quote history

But he doesn’t parent his children, that's not a wonderful person. It’s your life, but it wouldn’t be for me. Good luck with that.

TotoroElla · 03/04/2024 10:22

If it's only used at nighttime it is even less of an issue. I think you have to just get over your feelings about it. As you said they have multiple sources of comfort so why is the dummy in particular such an issue. The DC is still very young. They will still have sucking needs...but this won't last forever, I really wouldn't worry.

PickledMumion · 03/04/2024 10:25

AmeliaS1980 · 03/04/2024 09:10

The dynamic between the father and mother is that she was always 'the one in charge' while they were together (18 years). I've seen their interactions and how if the father attempts to instigate anything regarding parental decisions he gets shut down pretty quick. It's not the healthiest dynamic - he's learned to allow her to take the lead even when he disagrees.

My dynamic with him is very different - I like to hear his opinion and enjoy him taking the lead with various things.

Show quote history

You enjoy him taking the lead, but also, you're frustrated that's he's not following your lead on how to parent his own child 🤣🤣

Original poster
AmeliaS1980 · 03/04/2024 10:25

WavesAndWildflowers · 03/04/2024 10:22

But he doesn’t parent his children, that's not a wonderful person. It’s your life, but it wouldn’t be for me. Good luck with that.

Show quote history

"Doesn't parent his children" is quite the sweeping statement! Do you have someone in your life that you wish would 'step-up' as I'm sensing some projection here?

OP posts:
TotoroElla · 03/04/2024 10:25

Maxus · 03/04/2024 10:16

How would it be harder to get rid off? My child gave it up himself at 5, other kids I know stopped soon after. Kids do know when they are ready to stop, you don't see teenagers going round sucking dummies.

Exactly. People only get the idea a dummy is hard for a child to stop using because many try and remove it before the DC is ready. They will stop naturally when they are ready.

GoodnightAdeline · 03/04/2024 10:28

A dummy at 4 is ridiculous. Bad for teeth, hinders speech, keeps them as a baby. So many kids are delayed now because of this silly culture of keeping them teeny tiny for as long as possible.

cheesebat · 03/04/2024 10:28

My niece is nearly five and still has a dummy, it makes me cringe to see it and she definitely has the curved teeth you see with dummy using. No shade in general, all three of my children had dummies but they were gone by age three which I think is late enough.

However, it's not my child and not my business. And the same applies in your situation. I'm not sure how it's 'killing you'?

x2boys · 03/04/2024 10:31

GoodnightAdeline · 03/04/2024 10:28

A dummy at 4 is ridiculous. Bad for teeth, hinders speech, keeps them as a baby. So many kids are delayed now because of this silly culture of keeping them teeny tiny for as long as possible.

The Op.says the child's speech is great and she's very articulate
I'm 50 I never had a dummy but sucked my thumb until i was nine I'm not sure that was much better tbh.

Original poster
AmeliaS1980 · 03/04/2024 10:31

PickledMumion · 03/04/2024 10:25

You enjoy him taking the lead, but also, you're frustrated that's he's not following your lead on how to parent his own child 🤣🤣

Show quote history

In this instance it does frustrate me as his opinion is that the dummy is not an issue, and there's no further discussion because it's not my place to dictate. I'm happy for him to A/ have his opinion and B/ choose to deal with the dummy thing how he wants.

I just disagree with him. I'm not going to go into battle against him and his ex, but personally I'd love to see the child without the bloody dummy!!

OP posts:
Maxus · 03/04/2024 10:31

GoodnightAdeline · 03/04/2024 10:28

A dummy at 4 is ridiculous. Bad for teeth, hinders speech, keeps them as a baby. So many kids are delayed now because of this silly culture of keeping them teeny tiny for as long as possible.

My child had a dummy untill 5. He has no teeth problems. He has never had speech problems. At 16 he is confident, always been mature for his age and is definitely not a baby.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 03/04/2024 10:34

I’m afraid I’ll have to say MYOB.
My dd2 didn’t give up her dummy entirely until she was nearly 6 though latterly it was only in private, at home. Neither her speech nor her teeth were at all affected. She’s long grown up and her teeth were always perfect.

Before she was born I was very anti dummies (I’m old enough to remember when they were considered a very lower-class thing) but she had classic 3 months colic and it was the only thing that seemed to give her any relief. And TBH it was something of a godsend later - she’d happily go to sleep anywhere if she had her dummy and bit of blanket.

YaMuvva · 03/04/2024 10:34

It’s killing you?!

Are you always so melodramatic? It’s a dummy not crack cocaine.

My now 10yo had a dummy til she 5. It was so hard to wean her off it, as it was a huge comfort to her. Her teeth are fine. We ended up telling her Santa wanted her dummy in exchange for extra presents and prepared her for weeks that it would be taken away.

hatehavingacold · 03/04/2024 10:35

My parents separated when I was young and mum re-married a lovely man who was funny and caring but he never stepped on anyone's toes and I respect him.
I also in contrast had an interfering busybody in the form of dads girlfriend who muscled in and interfered, had something to say about everything, criticising my mums parenting choices and was an utter spoil sport when mum and dad said yes she'd chip in and change dads mind she'd upset mum and I hated her with a passion, dad wouldn't say anything so I stopped seeing my dad and then he got rid of it.
Now he's married to a lovely lady who is kind caring and respectful so don't be that woman because you're starting to sound like her.

Original poster
AmeliaS1980 · 03/04/2024 10:35

2mummies1baby · 03/04/2024 10:20

You acknowledge the dummy is not causing any problems. The poor kid isn't even school age and she's already had her parents split up, her dad start a relationship with someone else and she is now living between two homes, with only one of her parents with her at a time. The dummy provides her with comfort and consistency between her two homes.

The child knows no different as I've been in their life since they were a baby. (I was nothing to do with the parents splitting!)

There is so much more comfort and love in the child's life than a plastic teat for goodness sake!

OP posts:
WavesAndWildflowers · 03/04/2024 10:36

AmeliaS1980 · 03/04/2024 10:25

"Doesn't parent his children" is quite the sweeping statement! Do you have someone in your life that you wish would 'step-up' as I'm sensing some projection here?

Show quote history

No, my children’s dad is a good and active parent and we are happily still together, although our kids are 21 and 16, so less input is needed from both of us now.

You seem to be blaming it all on your partners ex when there’s no excuse for your partner not to step up. Allowing his ex to take the lead just sounds like an excuse to not be arsed with parenting. I do question how it got to the stage that the ex was in charge, it’s usually because the other parent doesn’t step up over and over.

AlpineMuesli · 03/04/2024 10:36

Just at night? Perfectly fine. Let the kid have a little comfort.

YaMuvva · 03/04/2024 10:36

AmeliaS1980 · 03/04/2024 09:10

The dynamic between the father and mother is that she was always 'the one in charge' while they were together (18 years). I've seen their interactions and how if the father attempts to instigate anything regarding parental decisions he gets shut down pretty quick. It's not the healthiest dynamic - he's learned to allow her to take the lead even when he disagrees.

My dynamic with him is very different - I like to hear his opinion and enjoy him taking the lead with various things.

Show quote history

Or maybe she HAD to be the one in charge because he was so useless passive when they raised them together?

Maxus · 03/04/2024 10:37

Taking comfort away from a child before they are ready (dummy) can lead to them becoming less confident. Why would you do that? I'm a big believer in children giving up comforters, being ready for potty training, when to wean etc etc only when they are ready. I did this with my kids and as teens they are well adjusted and confident.

KreedKafer · 03/04/2024 10:37

Are we talking about a dummy that the child has all the time, not just at night? Neither is ideal but the former is a lot worse than the latter.

Ultimately, though, whether the child has a dummy or not is up to the parents. You can have an opinion and express it to your partner, but if he doesn't want to discuss it with his ex then that's up to him.

However, if I were taking a nearly-five-year-old out with me somewhere, I would definitely be insisting that the dummy stays at home or we don't go. I find it borderline creepy when a child that age is still being presented like a baby/toddler and I would feel awkward and embarrassed about it in public, to be brutally honest. To me, it's like a five-year-old drinking out of a baby's bottle.