Step-child still has dummy age 4.5?

[AmeliaS1980]

AIBU to have an opinion on my step-child still being allowed a dummy at 4.5 years old? (It's killing me).

My partner (child's dad) is happy to be led by his ex (child's mum) on this. She is showing no inclination to wean the child off the dummy yet.

The child is happy, confident, well-adjusted, articulate, very clever, no speech impairments or developmental issues - in fact they are often mistaken for being older. So on that front there's an argument to say "what's the problem with the dummy then?"

But for me to see this child who is so capable of letting go of this attachment (which I'd say is completely unnecessary) being allowed to cling on to it for no apparent reason is bothering me a lot!!

I'm maybe overthinking this but it feels as though the child's mother has an emotional need to keep them babied for as long as possible. There are other older step children (her kids) that she struggles to see growing up (they are secondary school age).

I have mentioned lightly to my partner that the child is far to old to have a dummy and doesn't need it, and encouraged him to bring this up with the child's mother, but he doesn't feel the need to and continues to wait until the child's mother instigates getting rid of it. The child starts school in September.

AIBU to expect the child's parents to be doing something about this?

My DD handed hers over to me one day just after she was 4 (it had been strictly for bedtime only since she was 2), she said dummies were for babies and toddlers and she didn’t want it anymore. Not a single tear involved.

Bet you wouldn’t care if she was sucking her thumb because that’s seen as suitably middle class.

So bad you decided to go and share the story as an amusing anecdote on mumsnet?

The 'unparenting' 'gentle parenting' millenial trend is really, really sad. Like another poster here mentioned, the child will receive socialisation at school and external pressures from other kids will rectify it. I would make my disdain for the practice clear to DH once and then just leave it.

@AmeliaS1980 i think you are entitled to an opinion, if you're expected to be a blended family and chip in with childcare for example then no one has the right to tell you its nothing to do with you. Its really difficult when you are with someone who is lead by their ex, as you'll have your own opinions and it would be fsr easier if it was your partner deciding stuff as you could put your side across to him, but that's impossible when his side is his ex'

This one is tough - you aren’t a parent and both parents are content to let this slide. so there is very little you can do other than continually voice your opinion to the dad - who clearly doesn’t agree with you.

You are of course right, but it’s not your circus and not your monkey. Commenting on the sidelines on other people’s parenting never ends well!

So comfort and encouraging them to give up the comfort when they are ready to do so which actually encourages self awareness and confidence is not necessary? So pleased you aren't my kids step mum.

Just to make yourself feel better - we fought to give our DD a dummy. She spat it out every single time from when she was a baby until she was a toddler. We would turn round to find her sucking her thumb. However she doesn't suck it every single night and for all night.

I have never expressed an opinion about the dummy to the child. They have no idea I'm not a fan and therefore I am not contributing to either enforcing its banishment or continued use.

I do not regard myself to have the role of 'mother' to any of my partner's kids. They have 1 mother, and it's not me!

Can't stand a dummy in a kid over one. It's gross. But if the mum thinks it's fine and dad is not going to disagree not much you can do. If the child is in reception though do they have it there? My DD stopped sucking her thumb first day as she was teased.

They only have a dummy at night, well, from after bath-time until breakfast.

So why worry so much?

I just can’t get het up about a four year old having a dummy at night. My kids did too, and gave it up soon after with zero tears or angst.

A far better approach, IMO, than the MNers who advocate for getting rid of them before age one or two, with days/weeks of upset. Or the blasted “dummy fairy”.

That's what my son did untill he turned 5 when he stopped himself. Like I said now 16, confident, no teeth problems , no speech problems, he just needed the comfort untill he was ready to stop. If I had taken it off him before he was ready it would have caused upset and disturbed sleep? Why would anyone put their kid through that?

What has the child's height got to do with anything?

Also you say you haven't voiced an opinion on it, so have you ever actually had any conversations with the EW about this? Because you seem very sure that she's not put any thought into it and has no plans to wean them off it. For all you know she may have a plan but has just not realised she has to run all her parenting decisions past you.

My toddler uses a dummy also only at night and my dentist says as long as it’s away by the time they start losing baby teeth and getting adult teeth then it’s fine…

And if my ex and his siblings are anything to go by, followed in a few years with suitably middleclass extensive orthodontic treatment (the only thing that stopped any of them from sucking their fingers/thumbs as the braces made it impossible - even dry socket didn't stop one of them).

I wasn't particularly happy to find MIL removing a perfectly clean dummy and trying to shove a less than clean hand into the mouth of my by-then screaming baby, anyhow. 'My dentist stopped me in the street one day to say how nice it was to see all of my children sucking their thumbs and fingers, so I'm teaching her to do the same', apparently.

Anyhow, whatever your private thoughts on it, it's the decision of both parents and likely to be an important thing for the child during the transitions between houses. So the dummy stays until they or the child decide otherwise.

Ooof. I would struggle to watch this and do nothing. That poor child! Regardless of how bright they are, it WILL affect their speech, and their dental health.

Having said that, your partner is a wet lettuce who clearly doesn't actually want to step up and parent when it comes to this issue. It takes 30s to google it and see the current health recommendation which is to stop dummy use by 12m. If he cba to do that and take the dummy and have a chat with his co-parent I'd question his efficacy as a father tbh.

Just out of interest WHY do people hate dummies so much? current research is showing it doesn’t have such an impact on teeth or speech, especially if only at night, and actually we are all now more aware of how important psychological comfort is to children which we didn’t understand previously. So what’s the terrible issue?

You can help it though.

It’s obviously not necessary, but neither are most aspects of modern, western childhood. It’s not necessary for a child to have a favourite doll/ teddy, it’s not necessary for a child to have a birthday party, it’s not necessary for a child to go and see Santa, its not necessary for a child to watch CBeebies, it’s not necessary for children to have snacks between meals, it’s not necessary for children to have clothes with favourite TV characters on etc. Many children growing up elsewhere in the world don’t have access to these things, they’re not necessary, but they bring children happiness, joy or comfort and so lots of parents choose to give them. Lots of things one parent sees as necessary another would see as unnecessary, but there are no hard and fast rules for how to bring up children or what is and isn’t necessary. As long as a decision isn’t harmful then to an extent you have to live and let live when it comes to how other parents choose to raise their children.

That's funny considering none of my kids have teeth or speech issues, are now all teens and all sucked dummies one if which gives it up at 5. So your comment is not correct.

They're fine for babies, they're actually protective against SIDS. But the NHS advise to wean them off between 6-12m and ditch them complete by 12m. The impact on speech, dental hygiene, teeth alignment, are all well documented.

Not sure what 'current research' you're referring to, but once it's been rigorously tested and peer-reviewed I'm sure the NHS will catch up.

Ah yes, your anecdote about your children definitely counteracts the rigorously tested evidence used by the NHS when giving out public health advice lol.

If she only has it at night, why do you care? Plenty of children suck their thumb at night until they are much older. It isn’t any different. Why cause the upset for everyone because you are snobby about dummies.

Speech therapist here. You say the child doesn't have a speech impediment but believe me they will do. It stops people
Dead in their tracks when I say "did you have a dummy when you were younger". Never been wrong.
Aside from that it's an hneccesary sleep crutch.
Child sounds like they have a lovely stable set of homes.
With that said I doubt you'd be thanked for interfering. In your position I may suggest to your partner you get child checked over by a (private) speech therapist (only way you won't wait 3 years...). They will be able to tell child's parents in clear terms the damage it's doing to their jaw and their speech patterns.