Step-child still has dummy age 4.5?

[AmeliaS1980]

AIBU to have an opinion on my step-child still being allowed a dummy at 4.5 years old? (It's killing me).

My partner (child's dad) is happy to be led by his ex (child's mum) on this. She is showing no inclination to wean the child off the dummy yet.

The child is happy, confident, well-adjusted, articulate, very clever, no speech impairments or developmental issues - in fact they are often mistaken for being older. So on that front there's an argument to say "what's the problem with the dummy then?"

But for me to see this child who is so capable of letting go of this attachment (which I'd say is completely unnecessary) being allowed to cling on to it for no apparent reason is bothering me a lot!!

I'm maybe overthinking this but it feels as though the child's mother has an emotional need to keep them babied for as long as possible. There are other older step children (her kids) that she struggles to see growing up (they are secondary school age).

I have mentioned lightly to my partner that the child is far to old to have a dummy and doesn't need it, and encouraged him to bring this up with the child's mother, but he doesn't feel the need to and continues to wait until the child's mother instigates getting rid of it. The child starts school in September.

AIBU to expect the child's parents to be doing something about this?

Unless you had kids with him you’d never be able to tell if he was a wet lettuce of a parent (it sounds like he is and you’re blaming the mum who’s done all the donkey work for him)

That seems to usually be the case.

Oh wow!
I have expressed my opinion in an anonymous forum so that I DON'T criticise or meddle in the parenting decisions regarding children that are not mine.

I deliberately do not criticise their mother, even when I disagree, for the very fact that I respect the complexity of the blended family dynamic and that I am not their mother.

I'm sorry you had such a negative experience with you dad's ex girlfriend. I can assure you, I do not behave like that, hence communicating here - supposedly a 'safe space' to explore opinions.

Strange how you ignore anybody who has said that it's actually ok and causes no ill effects in later life. All you are bothered about is how it looks 😏🙄

It's none of your business. I have a 4 year old who uses a dummy at night. She's autistic. She's also highly intelligent and people who have an untrained eye wouldnt know.

My kids are 14, 15 and 21.

Safe space? 😬

No - I'm bothered about if it's necessary?

I had mine at night until I was six, decided I could do without it, put it out of reach for three nights and that was it. I started school at four and a half. No issues since.

A child experiencing a parental split when non verbal will still have experienced that loss and separation. It can be harder to process actually because they can’t remember it -it may present as emotions rather than clear memories.
I would imagine that she is in need of additional comfort and reassurance and a dummy is a fairly benign way of getting that.

Probably not but neither are the vast majority of things that takes partake in. It’s not harmful. Leave it be (and and stop thinking your OH is just great and the victim of a bossy ex, he sounds passive AF)

It's killing me - bit of an over-reaction?!

Let it wash by you. It will stop when they get to school which is not far off.

My dd also had no speech or dental issues caused by the dummy. She did need a brace in her teens but most kids do I think there is more damage done to teeth from thumb or finger sucking than a dummy.

Your reaction to the child having a dummy sounds extreme, you say it’s ’killing you’ and keep referring to it almost angrily as a ‘plastic teat.’ Your reaction to this sounds far greater than it needs to be, fair enough that you don’t like it but it’s not doing any harm but it sounds like you really can’t stand seeing it and aren’t able to accept that a dummy is a comfort item, your view seems very black and white that she’s too old for it and therefore doesn’t need it.

Instead of focusing on the dummy I feel like you need to unpick why it makes you feel so annoyed, lots of parents make decisions that other parents wouldn’t agree with (no doubt you did things with your own that people here would judge) but there’s a difference between thinking ‘I wouldn’t do that’ and feeling so strongly that something is wrong and seeing it only as negative. I would assume the dummy is actually triggering your annoyance about something else in your current dynamic which you subconsciously don’t want to face, maybe it’s bringing up truths about how your DP is as a parent or the relationship between him and his ex that you’d rather ignore but truly to feel this strongly about a dummy there must be something more behind it.

Not knowing any different doesn't mean it's an ideal situation though, does it? She's constantly separated from one of her parents. I'm sure she has many sources of comfort, but you need to accept that the dummy is one of them.

Oh you're very right - this is definitely linked to my own childhood and upbringing with a very dominant mother who enforced 'her way', which I didn't like.. so many issues here. Some resolved, others not, evidently!!

Hummm, so I see the dummy as being enforced by partner's ex, and I'm wanting to battle against it the same way I battled against my mother enforcing her way of doing things.

Thanks for the insight!!

Your opinion does not matter here.

Another reason I hate taking my very delayed disabled little girl out she's 8 years old physically totally normal looking and stunningly beautiful. She's also mentally 2 and tube fed has a dummy out in public and an ipad to boot ITS ALWAYS WOMEN that look at me with total distain

Dummies are for BABIES.

Not your child, so not your problem I suppose.

School will sort this out. Kids are cruel

One time I saw a very obese 8 year old with a dummy in on the train and I felt so bad but I simply could not hold my laughter in.

The dummy is not being enforced by the ex. You are your mum in this scenario, trying to force her to give up the dummy she loves. You want to enforce and she will battle. Especially as you are not her mother. If you don't want to cast yourself in the wicked stepmother role, you need to let go of this.

You have no idea what the situation was there. You are vile. Imagine mocking a child!

Like I said, I couldn't help it and I did feel bad. Chill out!

I have never mentioned the dummy to the child directly - they have no idea I have any opinion on it.

My original posts is asking AIBU to have an opinion about the dummy - I'm not actually acting on anything.