Me vs SiL - the most underwhelming of battles.

[Lwrenn]

Backstory & buckle up, it's a long one!
More wwyd than aibu but I'm confused af with this. Anyhow.

Bil is pretty awesome and so are his gorgeous wee boys. Bil and I have always had a close friendship. He not only is a terrific uncle to his birth related nephews but also adores my oldest dc. Also a lad.
When he met sil I was so happy, she was everything he wanted, she adores him, he adores her, they went on to have 2 perfect wee boys. Our boys all adore one another.
But after her last lad (they only want 2 kids, they were blessed) she was upset she'd never have "her girl" and wasn't exactly quietly hurt about it, instead more outwardly furious. She went from being very sweet to disappointed with most things and with that became passive aggression with everything. We were close, neither of us talk to MiL due to her being a deranged lunatic towards us, so we had some solidarity. We also babysat as often as they wanted, from newborn age until toddler age before sils parents moved closer to be on hand, so we see the boys less now but her parents are lovely and involved and its nice for them all. Now, last year I had my final baby and all the way through she kept saying I'd have another boy, I agreed, having had 3 already I just presumed that also. But I didn't, I had a girl.
She hasn't spoken to me, blocked dp from fb and when bil came to see his niece and sent a selfie she went apeshit at him, saying he was rubbing in her face the one thing she'd never had.
I said to him when she comes round she's a niece who will adore her and she can hopefully have some relationship with when she's ready. I left it at that.
I'm possibly being insensitive but I've struggled with baby loss and awful pregnancies etc, she had 2 wonderful pregnancies, no issues with conceiving, both pregnancies first month off pill, I think she's had it pretty good so I'm not begging her to accept my daughter, she can do one, my wee girl has all the love in the world, sil isn't hugely relevant to my 8 month old.

Now, here is where a problem has risen, I'm a sen mum with 2 (likely 3 but 2 diagnosed asd kiddos) and her youngest is showing neurospicy signs.
Not only am I sen mum, but I've worked with sen so I'm a good person to give support and a handhold whilst going through the process of getting a diagnosis and also little suggestions to help with things, so she's asked bil can i talk to her and go through things with her from visual aids and prompts, how to use social stories and fill out paperwork for her dc. All of which I'm happy to do, i have tons of books and other things here that would be useful to her. Plus, I'm not mad at seeing her, like I say - we were quite close.
But here is the thing, it's on the provision I don't even mention my daughter as she couldn't cope with it.
I'm not to even say her name, if my phone screen has her picture I'm to change it before going over to help her.

Because this is to help DN, I'll probably do it. Plus sen mum is a scary water to navigate alone at first, I feel I should comply to her rules and not upset her, but also, I feel like I'm shunning my own DD.
Like I say, it's not like she's lost a baby or is trying with no luck for another, she just didn't get the "daughter she envisaged".

Wise ones of mumsnet, wwyd?

Same - her poor DCs must feel so second rate!

This

Well done your DP for ignoring her ridiculous demands, who the hell does she think she is to insist on anything? Personally I would totally ignore her, if she wants help then she asks for it and drops her stupid attitude. It's because everyone is tiptoeing around her that she'll only get worse.

This. I’m mum to 2 boys - I’ve had to deal with other people’s unpleasant assumptions about how ‘disappointed’ I must be so I accept that I’m very sensitive to this issue, but you must not indulge this in any way. You can calmly and politely explain how her conditions are unacceptable - the ball is then in her court.

I don't really have any advice to offer, families can be unnecessarily complicated, but wanted to say you are being incredible tolerant, understanding and accommodating. I wish I had someone like you in my family/friendship circle. You sound like a keeper. The fact that even after all this you're still offering to help, willing to forgive and leaving the door open for a relationship 'when she's ready' honestly puts you on a level above most others in my experience.

And yes, her behaviour is very damaging to her sons. She risks the younger one in particular feeling a failure. She needs to be told this, very firmly.

This pisses me off so much. I’m struggling to conceive my first child. I have wanted to be a mum for my entire life and the fact that it’s not happening is killing me. She has two healthy children and conceived straight away. She can get in the bin.
My friend has a 5 month old and my other friend is pregnant. Is it painful for me sometimes? Yes. Do I let them know how painful? Absolutely not. How dare she.

Sounds like she herself might be neurodiverse & without any help or support is just festering in it- I think your brother in law needs to step up & accept his family & niece though wayyyyy before you agree to help them again

The irony of being told to regulate your speech on a thread about being told to regulate what you say to SIL

Your DH needs to talk to his brother because her disappointment has turned into extreme grief and that will cause lasting damage across the family. She's stuck in the grieving stage of denial, which is after anger. She needs for everyone to stop pandering to this and to even seek therapy, if she can't move on.

She needs therapy.

You need to disengage from her until she cops on. This includes your husband.

You come across as a really lovely person op.

Help your brother in law with what he needs and then he can teach his wife but you do not concede to her demands. She is an absolutely awful human being to take offence at the existence of a baby.

This woman needs to get over herself. She’s an adult, not 5 years old, and her ridiculous ‘gender disappointment’ matters only to her, and frankly she needs to grow the fuck up and stop being so pathetic. Awhhh poor baby didn’t get the exact toy she wanted. Pfft.

And you need to never, ever deny your daughter. Not to her, not to anyone. You’re a proud mother. If she wants to ignore your child, she should be ignored in return.

You are such a nice person to think you would be flamed. This is a hard hard no, how dare she, who does she think she is. She had two lovely boys and thinks you can not speak of your daughter. She needs help badly.

She wants you to change your phone wallpaper if it’s your daughter?!

Tell her to get fucked! The audacity of it!!

I feel some sympathy for her. My only daughter was stillborn at 37 weeks. I have four lovely sons, but I find being around baby girls very difficult. Even 17 years later, it hurts and I don't think any amount of therapy will ever take that away for me.

That said, the SIL is way out of line. Her sons must be picking up on this and getting the idea that they aren't good enough for her.

Your SIL needs help badly. I wonder if you giving her help this way could maybe open the door to discussions over her needing therapy over her issues with gender disappointment?

You are lovely to help her op, and she’s obviously mentally unwell if she can’t cope with the disappointment of not having a girl which is obviously very accute for her. There’s probably something else going on with her - potential asd herself maybe, or depression, or something else that has made her latch on to this difficulty, while ignoring her blessings.

But you shouldn’t help her to the extent that you effectively obliterate your own daughter. That’s not helping. That’s enabling!

A sign of good mental health is an ability to be flexible and bend with the wind rather than be rigid and be broken by it. I bet my bottom dollar she has another undiagnosed condition underlying this specific issue.

It’s not your job to persuade her over to your pov op. You stick to your perfectly reasonable boundaries. It’s very sad that you may lose a friendship but your first loyalty is to your dd.

Another one to say hard conversation now is difficult but better than leaving it, as it sounds baked in & what demands will be next.

I think you shouldn't deal with her. Give your BIL the info, but as everyone has said, you have to stop pandering to her. It's really not healthy for anyone.

Absolutely do NOT do this OP. What are you even thinking !!! You'll be as batshit and awful as her if you do,towards you own child for goodness sake.

Whilst you can be understanding if her disappointment you lot need to stop feeding and pandering to it because it's only making it more deep seated and allowing her to think its OK to continue like this. What happens at Xmas or birthdays or family events- your dd is never to be acknowledged by anyone or her presence celebrated. There's enough people in this world who talk negatively of females or a female child being born to a family instead of a boy ( I appreciate this isn't what's happening here ) but the sentiment is the same, do you want dd to feel 'less than' when growing up, just because this women is present in your lives. Fix up and give you head a wobble for even thinking of doing this- put your daughter first and then everyone else needs comes after. Deleting her picture not mentioning her like how could you contemplate it as her mum!

Wee is a perfectly viable word in the Scots language. Yes it's an actual language, not a dialect or accent.

For anyone interested - Check out MissPunnypennie on Instagram for more Scots words! She's ace!

She’s completely nuts. What a madam she is! I think she needs a jolly good talking to by her husband! She hasn’t lost a child so there is no need for her dh to be pussyfooting around this utter self indulgent nonsense. I know it’s harder for you as you have her Sen child to consider as well as your own baby so I think her dh needs to deal with her ridiculous behaviour.

Jeez….not ok OP. Protect your own DC from this damaging woman. She can get SEN support elsewhere. Her poor youngest boy will feel not good enough too. This has got future family trauma written all over it.

That's a completely unreasonable expectation. No, don't help her out under those ridiculous conditions.