Me vs SiL - the most underwhelming of battles.

[Lwrenn]

Backstory & buckle up, it's a long one!
More wwyd than aibu but I'm confused af with this. Anyhow.

Bil is pretty awesome and so are his gorgeous wee boys. Bil and I have always had a close friendship. He not only is a terrific uncle to his birth related nephews but also adores my oldest dc. Also a lad.
When he met sil I was so happy, she was everything he wanted, she adores him, he adores her, they went on to have 2 perfect wee boys. Our boys all adore one another.
But after her last lad (they only want 2 kids, they were blessed) she was upset she'd never have "her girl" and wasn't exactly quietly hurt about it, instead more outwardly furious. She went from being very sweet to disappointed with most things and with that became passive aggression with everything. We were close, neither of us talk to MiL due to her being a deranged lunatic towards us, so we had some solidarity. We also babysat as often as they wanted, from newborn age until toddler age before sils parents moved closer to be on hand, so we see the boys less now but her parents are lovely and involved and its nice for them all. Now, last year I had my final baby and all the way through she kept saying I'd have another boy, I agreed, having had 3 already I just presumed that also. But I didn't, I had a girl.
She hasn't spoken to me, blocked dp from fb and when bil came to see his niece and sent a selfie she went apeshit at him, saying he was rubbing in her face the one thing she'd never had.
I said to him when she comes round she's a niece who will adore her and she can hopefully have some relationship with when she's ready. I left it at that.
I'm possibly being insensitive but I've struggled with baby loss and awful pregnancies etc, she had 2 wonderful pregnancies, no issues with conceiving, both pregnancies first month off pill, I think she's had it pretty good so I'm not begging her to accept my daughter, she can do one, my wee girl has all the love in the world, sil isn't hugely relevant to my 8 month old.

Now, here is where a problem has risen, I'm a sen mum with 2 (likely 3 but 2 diagnosed asd kiddos) and her youngest is showing neurospicy signs.
Not only am I sen mum, but I've worked with sen so I'm a good person to give support and a handhold whilst going through the process of getting a diagnosis and also little suggestions to help with things, so she's asked bil can i talk to her and go through things with her from visual aids and prompts, how to use social stories and fill out paperwork for her dc. All of which I'm happy to do, i have tons of books and other things here that would be useful to her. Plus, I'm not mad at seeing her, like I say - we were quite close.
But here is the thing, it's on the provision I don't even mention my daughter as she couldn't cope with it.
I'm not to even say her name, if my phone screen has her picture I'm to change it before going over to help her.

Because this is to help DN, I'll probably do it. Plus sen mum is a scary water to navigate alone at first, I feel I should comply to her rules and not upset her, but also, I feel like I'm shunning my own DD.
Like I say, it's not like she's lost a baby or is trying with no luck for another, she just didn't get the "daughter she envisaged".

Wise ones of mumsnet, wwyd?

Her feelings are valid, it can be disappointing not getting the family you always envisaged. I have a friend who went for a third to try and have a girl and had another boy. She was devastated and is still bitter about it to this day (kids are now all mid teens and older). Didn’t help that her friends had all daughters. She freely admits that if she could guarantee a girl she would have another tomorrow despite her kids being almost adults (we all had kids young so it would technically be possible), but she wouldn’t risk a 4th boy.

however she is fully aware that this is her issue to deal with and she has never put any conditions on others with regards to mentioning their kids around her. She was bitter when her sister in law had a girl, but she was bitter quietly to herself and didn’t take it out on her SIL or BIL. People feel the way they feel. They often can’t help it. But it’s weird that she’s putting conditions on you and I wouldn’t be removing dds pic from your phone to save her feelings. She needs to learn to deal with those feelings as people around her will give birth to daughters and she can’t be like this every time. It’s not good for anyone.

You are most definitely too soft - even the title of your thread is very self deprecating.

Do NOT pander to this utter madness! Your daughter DESERVES better and YOU need to speak up for her future in this family.

Your DH has the right idea - do NOT let her dictate and shut out your lovely DD. With her rigid thinking this will only get a lot worse as time goes on. This needs stopped.

I wonder how her boys feel @Ohhelpicantthinkofaname . A bit of quiet wistful regret is one thing but they must feel they're not enough. It's very sad.

Yep agree.

I think they’re aware that their mum would have always loved a girl. But I don’t think that they’ve suffered for it. She loves her boys with all her heart and I don’t think she’s ever taken her disappointment out on them. It’s a separate thing, she loves her sons, but still longs to this day for a daughter. It’s more like she’s bitter that she won’t get to add a girl to her family than she would want to swap one of her sons. Does that make sense?

WTAF!! OP you sound very nice by the way! Do not feel bad, maybe give some print outs or links to BIL and that's it, don't put her controlling needs first, this is mad! Changing the photo on your phone, tell her to get fucked who does she think she is

Yes I was thinking this too. How damaging to grow up with this idea that you are a disappointment to your mother just because of your sex. Does she even think about that?

She sounds like a very unhappy person with very rigid thinking. I could understand a brief month or two and would be empathetic. (I've two siblings were unable to have children, I have two boys).

But, my patience would be gone at this stage, what is the plan. I am grateful my siblings prioritised having a close relationship with my boys.

I do find the idea of "needing' a particular sex child difficult to understand.

Bloody hell I've heard it all now! No OP, do not pander to this batshittery. And frankly I'd be asking her for an apology before I helped my nephew. And if she's not prepared to apologise then she can pay for the resources and support.

Of course I would do the forms. It’s to benefit a child. Otherwise provide some recommendations of local places of support so that your BIL and SIL can get the equivalent information. Perhaps signpost them towards the type of places that might help such as SALT, sensory OT, Ed Psych and the SENCO equivalent etc. CAB can also help with DLA if necessary.

Do you think you and SIL are also ND given it runs in families and it has influenced your ways of thinking about this situation?

Many people may see it as someone is having a strop but gender disappointment is a genuine thing, whether you agree with it or not.

OP I’m delighted that you are now angry at this utter disrespect and undermining of your daughter.

MN really works sometimes- and I really admire your bravery in posting in the first place.
There are services who can help with the paperwork and navigating the system. Let her access these. Please don’t collude in the undermining (erasing?) of your daughter’s existence.

This

I would go and meet her, armed with books and resources and helpful info.

Spend an hour or two going through everything, and not mentioning your daughter.

Then move on and don't engage further on her ludicrous terms.

You've supported and given the help, on her terms, but let that be an end to it until she sees sense.

Get a t-shirt with your baby's face printed on it and wear it round there when you go to help her!

Sorry, I meant get a pink t-shirt with your baby's face printed on it and wear it round there when you go to help her!

Just No

Why are so many posters prepared to roll over like this? I'm utterly amazed that so many of you would be prepared to help someone who treats you and your child so appallingly! It's not as if the OP is the only SEN specialist in the country, but it's clearly easy and free for her SIL to use her rather than find her own way.

I would never do a favour for anyone who wanted me to pretend my child didn't exist!

Absolutely not. Why should OP do anything on this woman's terms when she's completely shunned her own niece just for being a girl and is now encouraging the uncle to do the same?

Absolutely not!
Hi dare she treat your daughter that way but then ask for your help, making demands you pretend you don't have a daughter?!

"Neurospicy"

Stealing that.

Agree that first reply nailed it.

Thank you all!

I'm calming down a bit now.
Dp is going to take books and information to them next week when he's off again and take our lads with him.
But he said he's going to tell her next time they meet up the boys are meeting their cousin and if she can't cope with that then she's ruining our boys lovely relationship. But we aren't having dd cast outside.

Which is much calmer than the "stop being a selfish plank, sil" text he is itching to send 😂

I really do thank you for words of advice and support. And I'm going to have a latte now and process what a bloody wet lettuce I've been. Lesson learned.

And to the poster who asked was I ND, yes, I'm highly likely adhd with dyslexia and a few other wee bits chucked in, and sil is very particular, possibly a wee bit neurospicy, but almost definitely ocd with her home. (It's glorious and smells a posh hotel) so I'm giving some wiggle room there.

Again though, I do appreciate all of your help and MN really does give us missing insight. 💐

Sorry but I can’t tolerate all the "wees" the "kiddos" & "neurospicy" cringey trend terms. I also have DC diagnosed with Autism but I'm not an "SEN Mum" I have a child with Autism/SEN.
Please stop

That made me giggle, you're 100% right, there are so many other mums with sen kids she could ask! She uses fb, there must be sen groups there?

Thanks for that but I'm not changing the way I speak for you or anyone else.

It’s just a coincidence that you happen to have experience in an area where she might benefit from someone else’s experience.

But you managed without that support from within the family. She and BIL will find it elsewhere. Just forget about it. However you also need to find a way to detatch yourself from having any interest in or opinion on how they are dealing with their DS’s SEN. She may not want to do things your way anyway and I get a slight sense from your posts that you could get frustrated by that.

I took it as this is where she is from and the words they use, maybe Scottish. Calm down